Again. Again? Again.
America hits bottom. The divisions feel deeper, knowing that half the country opted for violence, stupidity, and hatred.
Hello, my lovelies. I couldn’t let the day go by without acknowledging where we are today, what we now know, and the state that I’m in. I’m here, I’m not giving up, or giving in, and I’m here for any of you, if you want to reach out.
When I went to bed last night, it didn’t feel good. I was exhausted and worried. The foreboding feeling of being the losing party again was there, the fear, the dread, the disgust in advance of the final answer. Hanging on to hope that was slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate.
So today, for me, it is a National Day of Mourning. No dancing on the roof of my car. But I don’t have to be lifted out of the gutter, either. I woke at 1:30am, torn about looking at the news for an update, for some soothing. But I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be soothed. I looked anyway, still nothing definitive, but the immediate future appeared much worse.
A devastating replay of 2016, with a few exceptions. This time, I didn’t burst into tears. This time, I swung my legs over the side of my bed, planted my feet on the floor, and said to myself “I guess this would be a good time to pray. But do I even know what that means?” This time, I laughed at myself, at the situation, and my whole body cringed, and I lost touch with my physical self for just a few moments. This time, I felt even more hopeless, because now I know for sure what we’re dealing with.
America has hit bottom. Its lowest low. Will we, as a nation, know how, or be willing to take the steps to recover from the deep sickness that has gripped us? I don’t know. All I can do is keep showing up and doing my work. We all need to do that.
I don’t want to go into a place of panic, but I feel its pull. I don’t want to run away or think too many “what ifs.” I don’t want to turn away, when faced with my feelings of hopelessness and terror. I don’t want to stay here, like the German Jews stayed, like the Jews in Europe stayed, not fully comprehending how bad it might actually get, because who on earth could have imagined what Hitler imagined? And now, it seems we have one of our own, our very own angry, vengeful, untethered fascist. I’m asking myself, “What’s the next right thing?”
The divisions feel deeper, knowing that half the country opted for blatant racism, misogyny, violence, stupidity, and hatred of difference. They’ve created their own undoing because they are angry, witless sheep. They’ve created our undoing, because they only saw what they wanted to see, and not what was so evident to those of us who understand how ugly all of this is. They have no idea how masterfully they’ve been played. Those poor dumb schmucks have ruined it for all of us. I’m trying to extend an open heart to all, but you’ll have to excuse me today. My heart is closed against anyone but the people in my small universe who care about kindness, respect, and the right to choose our destinies. I hope I can shift my focus to a more inclusive view.
The next right thing is living. Yes, that thing. Breathing. Thriving. Writing. Witnessing. Fighting. Loving. Learning how to pray, then praying for peace, guidance, and healing. For community. For laughter. For freedom.
If you’re getting value from my writing and you believe writers should be paid for their work, then I want you to know that this is the only place you get ME.
Or pay what you can afford:
Thank you for finding words today, Nan, when so many of us are too stunned, shocked, angered, appalled, frightened, and disgusted to find our words. I’m sending a big hug.
In the words of the old song, "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again." But can we? Will we? Will the destruction be too great?
Nan, this was a masterful recap of the emotions so many of us struggle with today. Thank you.