“There was too much touching, fixing, adjusting, pinching, squeezing, tweezing, and sliming.” So painful, Nan. So intrusive. Why are so many children and teenagers treated like they don’t deserve a private zone?
This is a small example, very small, but your column brought to mind the time I first met a boyfriend’s mother. The very first thing she did was reach in and a pluck a hair (mine, I guess) off my coat. I thought, Whoa. It did not seem like a good sign.
It's exactly the same kind of energy, what the boyfriend's mother did to you. Fixing, stepping over the line, jumping into the zone that is YOUR hula hoop. I think my experience as a child, as a teenager is not that unique...there are far too many people who are never taught what boundaries are. I've know for a long time, theoretically, but at my age, I'm finally able to put mine into operation! xo
Thank you, Meredith! I love doing it more than anything else (well, except chocolate chip cookies...oh and ice cream!) It's such a pleasure getting to know you. ARRGGHH. Close talkers! Let's talk soon! xo
So many relatable parts here, Nan. And after I'm done commenting, I'm going to share the essay with my kids for their reactions.
In my childhood, it was my more father who was the nit-picker, and mostly with my brothers. Always brushing lint off the shoulders of their Sunday suits, or straightening their ties. The younger of the two (second born) would not be tamed, which I think is what some parents need to keep their hovering tendencies in check. It was true in my life, too, with our second born. The first one broke plenty of rules but never out in the open like her sister. It was the overt pushback that helped train us out of some of our ridiculousness.
As for the bump-squeezing, I think of that as more of a primate-meets-OCD-adjacent behavior. Why else would SO MANY PEOPLE have flocked to the Dr. Pimple Popper videos? They didn't all have boundary-challenged childhoods, of that I'm certain!
Haven't tried hula-hooping in years, but the Grace Jones video makes me want to see if anything's changed. I was never able to do it!
Wow, Elizabeth! Yeah the picking. Your assessment seems to have merit, the primate-meets-OCD-adjacent behavior thing, but I don't think that was the case with my mother. She really needed everything to look perfect all the time, still does...except for her explosive rages. And when she does have them, she quickly dissociates from them so in her reality, they don't exist either. And I'd never heard of Dr. Pimple Popper until @Eileen Dougharty told me about her...and that piece of information led to this essay. I want to hear what your kid's takes are on the essay! xo
You say spit and tissue like it's a bad thing. I picked that up from my own Mom, but I only do it to her. I mean why do you think woman are issued a Kleenex meant to be stored in their sleeve when they reach Medicare age? Isn't it part of the requirement for old ladyness?
I can barely watch that episode of Seinfeld (we watched in constant rotation, me and Mom) because of the close talking. I'd use the hula hoop idea but everytime I've tried to hula it winds up on the floor after one or two spins. I'll stick with arms distance—I had no trouble during the pandemic with social distancing....💕
I loved the distancing in the pandemic. Yes, spit and tissue IS a bad thing, especially when reused. I still remember the smell of her spit. Eww. Eww. Eww. I scared the crap out of myself a few years back when I reflexively stuck a tissue up my left sleeve without a thought, until I'd done it. Uh oh, the descent has begun! xo
I learned years ago to imagine an egg-shaped boundary around me at a hoop distance. It could be made of any material or color, and I can change it whenever I want. Coming from a large Italian family living in a two-flat, you can imagine that I didn't learn about healthy personal boundaries until I was an adult.
Yes, indeed! Space helps for sure, but sometimes even having a room of one's own isn't enough. I think that boundary crossing can assume many forms, and there's so many ways it can be accomplish. And thank the goddess I did have a room of my own, growing up. I have no idea what the alternative would have been like! xo
Fun read! Chuckling with the too-real knowledge of hula hoops, and decades of picker paradise. I’m still damaged because my hula hoop was oversized and black. I use 3 sparkly hoop of stacked sizes to demonstrate boundaries at the state mental hospital- where I have keys to prove I am an employee.
OMG! That image. I can't believe you found that. You must have made it? Perfect. YUP. This one made me squirm. The opposite of my experience of being a satellite orbiting around my parents' symbiotic relationship. We were left to fend for ourselves. They might notice if you didn't come home for a few days... I'm sorry for all the yuck imposed on you.
The image is amazing. I looked for hours and hours, because that's the way I roll. This image was designed by someone for the CDC to educate about Covid distancing. Fabulous. And yes, there was far too much contact in my family. So many stories and many essays to write! xo
Truly. I was thrilled when I found it, and then was able to crop a version for the featured image that truly works. I would love to have it printed and framed. It's so perfect. xo
My mother had the same habits, acquired from her mother. In the Russian shtetl of my grandmother's childhood, they didn't see the harm of washing with bodily secretions. Grandma also believed in enemas and in rubbing a sticky ointment called Zam-buk on little girls' vulvas. I look back on all this and squirm. Love the title, illustration and hula hoop as framing device. Oh, and the Seinfeld scene. I'm a fan, through and through.
Yeah, shtetl, schmetl, they also inter-married (my paternal great-grandparents were first cousins). Squirm away friend, I'm squirming right there with you. Vulva ointment is beyond the pale. Ewww. Why?
You're a fan of Seinfeld, or me? Both is an acceptable answer, btw. Love to you, Rona! xo
They were all so horrendous. I couldn't get into it...maybe I'll revisit one of these days. I'm willing to change my mind about things...but hmmm, don't know about this one. My favorite thing about that show was Jerry's assortment of cold cereals. xo
That Jerry basically lives on cereal that he arranges with obsessive neatness. His fridge is close to empty. One of my favorite episodes is the one where a student journalist concludes that Jerry and George are gay, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” They do in fact behave like a dysfunctional married couple.
"One therapist after another has tried to explain boundaries to me in a way that I could understand. What do you mean, people are allowed to have some space of their own?"
Thanks, again, for an interesting piece about this domino effect from a lack of healthy boundaries in childhood. I think the hula hoop analogy is a great one!
I never saw that CDC poster. That's great - and perfect for your story.
Yup. Boundaries. I love the hula hoop. You have no idea how much time I spent looking for the right image. I WAS thrilled to find that graphic. It was so perfect. And it's fabulous as a piece unto itself. Thanks for reading, Amy! xo
I know the name of this tune! Learning Boundaries The Hard Way is another potential title for my memoir. 🤣 But seriously, my parents did not have physical boundaries, and as a result I was either effusively over-affectionate OR fiercely protective of my body to an insane degree.
Mine either, I tended toward more effusive most of the time, but also was easily triggered by partners who would touch me in certain ways that conveyed ownership or being devoured...projected my mother all over that. Thanks for reading and commenting, Kari! xo
OMG, that clip from Seinfeld was such a hoot. Hyperbole? Maybe, but we sure get the point. I never watched the show, but it makes me want to go back and watch old videos. It was wildly popular for a reason.
Anyway, boundaries. Jesus, what you went through with your mom! I had the opposite problem: no touching at all. Made me very needy, and I touch arms and hug people too easily now. Gotta learn to back off. My biggest boundary issue is verbal. I get into a lot of trouble with my words. Not enough filters, and I offend cuz I don't always monitor my speech before it spills out of my mouth. I need to learn to think more before I speak.
But physical boundaries? Like I said, I'm needy and just realized now that it's not my affection I'm showing, but my need for affection from others. Thanks for helping me see that, Nan xoxo
Thanks, Marilea! I once got written up at a job for touching an employees arm when speaking with her. It was a gesture of affection and a desire for connection (nothing nefarious or manipulative intended) but I was her supervisor and she had an aversion to being touched so she reported me, which was within her rights to do. It was shocking in a way because it was so far outside my experience, but it was also an extremely valuable lesson for me to learn. Some people do know how to have boundaries. I was unfamiliar at the time, but that experience helped open my eyes. xo
There's nothing I love more than a piece that starts and ends with a hula hoop. I wonder how many kiddos could grow up with healthy boundaries if we just started handing out hula hoops in kindergarten instead of forcing them to hug aunts they don't know and accept kisses from near strangers.
Hey Jess, I'll keep that in mind! Oh, god, the aunts and the sloppy kisses from near strangers. EEK. So many lines crossed over the years. So many. HULA HOOPS RULE! xo
Oh the hankie. And the dermatology advice. She’d show me, coax me through it, show me how to use the needle dipped in rubbing alcohol to dig out the blackheads, then go to my father and complain loudly and bitterly that I was DOING IT ALL WRONG AND RUINING MY SKIN. No tweezer in the house - God gave you the eyebrows you deserved - and if I snuck my father’s razor to shave my legs, he would smite me with cuts and make us all late for church. The worst thing was when she’d pull out a brush and go to work on my hair in front of my Camp Fire group while everyone waited for the group photo to be taken. Ouch. You said this so beautifully, Nan. Now please hand me that hula hoop. xoxo
What color hoop would you like? We are such soul sisters. Don't even get me started on the PAINFUL barrettes she'd put in my hair. No shaving for you? My mother bought me my first razor right on schedule...and oh, the menstruation stories...GAH! Love you, Mary! xo
Nan, any color will do, as long as it doesn’t clash with my golden blond hair, regularly given Toni home permanents and rolled with pink sponge curlers every night. I’d wake up with my cat’s claws dug into them and into my scalp. Fun times. Stories galore. xoxo
Write 'em! SO many stories. Hot pink would be the color I'd choose for you, held aloft by twinkling fairies hovering in space to gently escort you through life! xo
Wonderful visual. Your work is always so evocative - I can feel or hear or see everything you are telling us, and it makes it so much fun to read. Thank you!
Also, the Grace Jones video is badass and makes me just a smidge embarrassed that I cannot bend over to pick up a hula hoop, much less use it!
Thanks, Mimi! You know you can also listen, that I record them every week? I'm quite expressive, and LOVE doing it. Just so you know. AND yes! The first time I saw a version of her doing her hula hoop thing, I lost my mind. She's in a class by herself in so many ways, and you made me laugh out loud about your smidge of embarrassment. I hear you sister, loud and clear, and I'm with you. Not embarrassed though. Don't think I didn't have a fantasy about buying a hoop and trying to learn. I did have the thought. But I don't think I'll follow through on it. I'll make do with my imaginary ones! xo
OMG - Grace Jones hula-hooping for ten minutes while singing at 75!! I used to love my hula hoop back in the day, but it always dropped well below ten minutes. What an inspiration!
And what an inspiration you are, Nan! My parents had no boundaries and I was sucked up in their vortex. It took me decades to break that. I love your use of a virtual hula hoop to keep healthy boundaries!!
YEAH, GRACE! She's amazing. I couldn't hula hoop or jump rope which points to a lack of coordination, but somehow, in the face of that belief, I learned how to juggle (no tricks, just basic 3-ball juggling) and ride a unicycle. I consider riding one legit if one is able to propel it 5 feet before crashing to the ground for clarity's sake. xo
“There was too much touching, fixing, adjusting, pinching, squeezing, tweezing, and sliming.” So painful, Nan. So intrusive. Why are so many children and teenagers treated like they don’t deserve a private zone?
This is a small example, very small, but your column brought to mind the time I first met a boyfriend’s mother. The very first thing she did was reach in and a pluck a hair (mine, I guess) off my coat. I thought, Whoa. It did not seem like a good sign.
It's exactly the same kind of energy, what the boyfriend's mother did to you. Fixing, stepping over the line, jumping into the zone that is YOUR hula hoop. I think my experience as a child, as a teenager is not that unique...there are far too many people who are never taught what boundaries are. I've know for a long time, theoretically, but at my age, I'm finally able to put mine into operation! xo
Great article. I love how you write. It flows so easily. You have quite the gift.
I used to know a “close talker. “ 😳 He could back me down a hallway and was clueless about his behavior.
I’m grateful we aren’t clueless.
And the Grace of hula hoops… who knew she can sing and loop de loo at the same time.
Thank you for sharing your journey. It is the joy of unpacking some of the stinky things.
❤️🌻
Thank you, Meredith! I love doing it more than anything else (well, except chocolate chip cookies...oh and ice cream!) It's such a pleasure getting to know you. ARRGGHH. Close talkers! Let's talk soon! xo
So many relatable parts here, Nan. And after I'm done commenting, I'm going to share the essay with my kids for their reactions.
In my childhood, it was my more father who was the nit-picker, and mostly with my brothers. Always brushing lint off the shoulders of their Sunday suits, or straightening their ties. The younger of the two (second born) would not be tamed, which I think is what some parents need to keep their hovering tendencies in check. It was true in my life, too, with our second born. The first one broke plenty of rules but never out in the open like her sister. It was the overt pushback that helped train us out of some of our ridiculousness.
As for the bump-squeezing, I think of that as more of a primate-meets-OCD-adjacent behavior. Why else would SO MANY PEOPLE have flocked to the Dr. Pimple Popper videos? They didn't all have boundary-challenged childhoods, of that I'm certain!
Haven't tried hula-hooping in years, but the Grace Jones video makes me want to see if anything's changed. I was never able to do it!
Wow, Elizabeth! Yeah the picking. Your assessment seems to have merit, the primate-meets-OCD-adjacent behavior thing, but I don't think that was the case with my mother. She really needed everything to look perfect all the time, still does...except for her explosive rages. And when she does have them, she quickly dissociates from them so in her reality, they don't exist either. And I'd never heard of Dr. Pimple Popper until @Eileen Dougharty told me about her...and that piece of information led to this essay. I want to hear what your kid's takes are on the essay! xo
You say spit and tissue like it's a bad thing. I picked that up from my own Mom, but I only do it to her. I mean why do you think woman are issued a Kleenex meant to be stored in their sleeve when they reach Medicare age? Isn't it part of the requirement for old ladyness?
I can barely watch that episode of Seinfeld (we watched in constant rotation, me and Mom) because of the close talking. I'd use the hula hoop idea but everytime I've tried to hula it winds up on the floor after one or two spins. I'll stick with arms distance—I had no trouble during the pandemic with social distancing....💕
I loved the distancing in the pandemic. Yes, spit and tissue IS a bad thing, especially when reused. I still remember the smell of her spit. Eww. Eww. Eww. I scared the crap out of myself a few years back when I reflexively stuck a tissue up my left sleeve without a thought, until I'd done it. Uh oh, the descent has begun! xo
I love the hula hoop idea for boundaries!
I learned years ago to imagine an egg-shaped boundary around me at a hoop distance. It could be made of any material or color, and I can change it whenever I want. Coming from a large Italian family living in a two-flat, you can imagine that I didn't learn about healthy personal boundaries until I was an adult.
Yes, indeed! Space helps for sure, but sometimes even having a room of one's own isn't enough. I think that boundary crossing can assume many forms, and there's so many ways it can be accomplish. And thank the goddess I did have a room of my own, growing up. I have no idea what the alternative would have been like! xo
Fun read! Chuckling with the too-real knowledge of hula hoops, and decades of picker paradise. I’m still damaged because my hula hoop was oversized and black. I use 3 sparkly hoop of stacked sizes to demonstrate boundaries at the state mental hospital- where I have keys to prove I am an employee.
Three hoops (especially the sparkly ones) are better than one! Thanks for reading, Michele. xo
OMG! That image. I can't believe you found that. You must have made it? Perfect. YUP. This one made me squirm. The opposite of my experience of being a satellite orbiting around my parents' symbiotic relationship. We were left to fend for ourselves. They might notice if you didn't come home for a few days... I'm sorry for all the yuck imposed on you.
The image is amazing. I looked for hours and hours, because that's the way I roll. This image was designed by someone for the CDC to educate about Covid distancing. Fabulous. And yes, there was far too much contact in my family. So many stories and many essays to write! xo
That image IS amazing. I’d never seen it!
Truly. I was thrilled when I found it, and then was able to crop a version for the featured image that truly works. I would love to have it printed and framed. It's so perfect. xo
There is no limit to the hours you will spend for the people!
Maybe! But definitely for me. It's a treasure hunt!
"I needed the metaphor more than I needed to wiggle." I do believe that is a sentence I have never ever read before, and I like it.
Ha! I was really proud of that sentence. Thank you for noting it, Leslie. xo
My mother had the same habits, acquired from her mother. In the Russian shtetl of my grandmother's childhood, they didn't see the harm of washing with bodily secretions. Grandma also believed in enemas and in rubbing a sticky ointment called Zam-buk on little girls' vulvas. I look back on all this and squirm. Love the title, illustration and hula hoop as framing device. Oh, and the Seinfeld scene. I'm a fan, through and through.
Yeah, shtetl, schmetl, they also inter-married (my paternal great-grandparents were first cousins). Squirm away friend, I'm squirming right there with you. Vulva ointment is beyond the pale. Ewww. Why?
You're a fan of Seinfeld, or me? Both is an acceptable answer, btw. Love to you, Rona! xo
Absolutely, both—although I wish you could share my pleasure in Seinfeld.
They were all so horrendous. I couldn't get into it...maybe I'll revisit one of these days. I'm willing to change my mind about things...but hmmm, don't know about this one. My favorite thing about that show was Jerry's assortment of cold cereals. xo
Such a telling detail, those cereals.
Oh? What did it tell you? xo
That Jerry basically lives on cereal that he arranges with obsessive neatness. His fridge is close to empty. One of my favorite episodes is the one where a student journalist concludes that Jerry and George are gay, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” They do in fact behave like a dysfunctional married couple.
"One therapist after another has tried to explain boundaries to me in a way that I could understand. What do you mean, people are allowed to have some space of their own?"
Thanks, again, for an interesting piece about this domino effect from a lack of healthy boundaries in childhood. I think the hula hoop analogy is a great one!
I never saw that CDC poster. That's great - and perfect for your story.
Yup. Boundaries. I love the hula hoop. You have no idea how much time I spent looking for the right image. I WAS thrilled to find that graphic. It was so perfect. And it's fabulous as a piece unto itself. Thanks for reading, Amy! xo
I know the name of this tune! Learning Boundaries The Hard Way is another potential title for my memoir. 🤣 But seriously, my parents did not have physical boundaries, and as a result I was either effusively over-affectionate OR fiercely protective of my body to an insane degree.
Mine either, I tended toward more effusive most of the time, but also was easily triggered by partners who would touch me in certain ways that conveyed ownership or being devoured...projected my mother all over that. Thanks for reading and commenting, Kari! xo
OMG, that clip from Seinfeld was such a hoot. Hyperbole? Maybe, but we sure get the point. I never watched the show, but it makes me want to go back and watch old videos. It was wildly popular for a reason.
Anyway, boundaries. Jesus, what you went through with your mom! I had the opposite problem: no touching at all. Made me very needy, and I touch arms and hug people too easily now. Gotta learn to back off. My biggest boundary issue is verbal. I get into a lot of trouble with my words. Not enough filters, and I offend cuz I don't always monitor my speech before it spills out of my mouth. I need to learn to think more before I speak.
But physical boundaries? Like I said, I'm needy and just realized now that it's not my affection I'm showing, but my need for affection from others. Thanks for helping me see that, Nan xoxo
Thanks, Marilea! I once got written up at a job for touching an employees arm when speaking with her. It was a gesture of affection and a desire for connection (nothing nefarious or manipulative intended) but I was her supervisor and she had an aversion to being touched so she reported me, which was within her rights to do. It was shocking in a way because it was so far outside my experience, but it was also an extremely valuable lesson for me to learn. Some people do know how to have boundaries. I was unfamiliar at the time, but that experience helped open my eyes. xo
There's nothing I love more than a piece that starts and ends with a hula hoop. I wonder how many kiddos could grow up with healthy boundaries if we just started handing out hula hoops in kindergarten instead of forcing them to hug aunts they don't know and accept kisses from near strangers.
Hey Jess, I'll keep that in mind! Oh, god, the aunts and the sloppy kisses from near strangers. EEK. So many lines crossed over the years. So many. HULA HOOPS RULE! xo
Oh the hankie. And the dermatology advice. She’d show me, coax me through it, show me how to use the needle dipped in rubbing alcohol to dig out the blackheads, then go to my father and complain loudly and bitterly that I was DOING IT ALL WRONG AND RUINING MY SKIN. No tweezer in the house - God gave you the eyebrows you deserved - and if I snuck my father’s razor to shave my legs, he would smite me with cuts and make us all late for church. The worst thing was when she’d pull out a brush and go to work on my hair in front of my Camp Fire group while everyone waited for the group photo to be taken. Ouch. You said this so beautifully, Nan. Now please hand me that hula hoop. xoxo
What color hoop would you like? We are such soul sisters. Don't even get me started on the PAINFUL barrettes she'd put in my hair. No shaving for you? My mother bought me my first razor right on schedule...and oh, the menstruation stories...GAH! Love you, Mary! xo
Nan, any color will do, as long as it doesn’t clash with my golden blond hair, regularly given Toni home permanents and rolled with pink sponge curlers every night. I’d wake up with my cat’s claws dug into them and into my scalp. Fun times. Stories galore. xoxo
Write 'em! SO many stories. Hot pink would be the color I'd choose for you, held aloft by twinkling fairies hovering in space to gently escort you through life! xo
Wonderful visual. Your work is always so evocative - I can feel or hear or see everything you are telling us, and it makes it so much fun to read. Thank you!
Also, the Grace Jones video is badass and makes me just a smidge embarrassed that I cannot bend over to pick up a hula hoop, much less use it!
Thanks, Mimi! You know you can also listen, that I record them every week? I'm quite expressive, and LOVE doing it. Just so you know. AND yes! The first time I saw a version of her doing her hula hoop thing, I lost my mind. She's in a class by herself in so many ways, and you made me laugh out loud about your smidge of embarrassment. I hear you sister, loud and clear, and I'm with you. Not embarrassed though. Don't think I didn't have a fantasy about buying a hoop and trying to learn. I did have the thought. But I don't think I'll follow through on it. I'll make do with my imaginary ones! xo
I've saved this one, so I will go back one day and listen to it!
Enjoy! xo
OMG - Grace Jones hula-hooping for ten minutes while singing at 75!! I used to love my hula hoop back in the day, but it always dropped well below ten minutes. What an inspiration!
And what an inspiration you are, Nan! My parents had no boundaries and I was sucked up in their vortex. It took me decades to break that. I love your use of a virtual hula hoop to keep healthy boundaries!!
YEAH, GRACE! She's amazing. I couldn't hula hoop or jump rope which points to a lack of coordination, but somehow, in the face of that belief, I learned how to juggle (no tricks, just basic 3-ball juggling) and ride a unicycle. I consider riding one legit if one is able to propel it 5 feet before crashing to the ground for clarity's sake. xo
Juggling and unicycle riding? Well done!!!
Not really well done, but acceptable to this particular klutz. The juggling was a huge victory! xo