I'm glad you were able to give it up, Nan. Infuriating that the industry pedaled the things as though there was no risk at all for so many years, all the while making them intentionally addicting.
Like yours, both of my parents smoked. Mom just with her cup of coffee in the morning, claiming it "kept her regular," dad all day long until he and a buddy went cold turkey. I'd been begging him to quit for years before that and was amazed that he finally did. Took another year or so before mom gave up her one or two. Though he was off of them as long as he was on, my father still died with complications from COPD.
Blessedly, I never had a taste for the things. I couldn't figure out how anyone got past that first phase of choking on the smoke.
my parents and sisters smoked. one sister lives on after lung cancer treatment; her husband still smokes. I quit cold turkey after reaching three packs a day. It was hell. i would run or do pushups ( in the bathroom at work ) until exhausted.... you brought back many memories....
My parents and grandparents smoked - heck all the adults smoked so I assumed I would to and started practicing when I was about 11. Sneaking cigarettes and smoking in the bathroom. I didn’t start smoking “full time” until I was a teenager. I smoked until I was 35 years old. My husband and I quit a month before our wedding, July 12, 1998. That’s a REALLY bad idea, but we survived it. I had tried a few times before— even tried hypnosis once— but it didn’t take until I did with him. And with nicotine patches, an online support group on a message board, and Zyban (Wellbutrin marketed for stopping smoking). It was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had an old boyfriend who had been a coke dealer in the 80’s and said when he quit smoking it was harder than quitting cocaine. My Mom never quiet. She died of lung cancer 5 years ago, at age 73.
Both of my parents smoked, and my older brother smoked from the time he was twelve.
Dad ended up with throat and palate cancer. Mom had emphysema and multiple illnesses attributed to smoking. My brother smoked until his early sixties and finally quit because it was killing him. Sadly, he died last year.
The other three of us didn't smoke. I just could not bear the idea of it. It doesn't make me any better than those who do because I am addicted to other things.
So glad you shared your story. I quit my major addiction in the same way you quit yours. I was just done.
Congrats on the publication! It was worthy of that attention!
They say it's harder than heroin. I don't know. I think eating disorders are harder cuz we can't give up food, like cigs or booze or drugs. But I started smoking at 14 and kept going on and off for 25 years. An off period was the decade I birthed three children. I loved them too much to possibly harm them. Then we moved to Greece where everyone smoked like chimneys and I started up again. Until my middle child became a meth addict. I was 52. I wore a patch and quit. No problem. Never went back to it. I said there were enough addictions in my family. It didn't stop her from destroying her life, but it stopped me from destroying mine. That's Al-Anon at work.
Thanks for sharing an unforgettable story, Nan. In our case maybe it was shock and grief of loss that cured us.
Thanks for sharing that, Marilea. I don't think it was grief and loss on my part. I think I was just done. My dad died 7 years after I quit. We didn't even know yet about the kidney failure that followed after his aortic dissection and a couple of years before his cancer diagnosis. I'm just so happy to be free of that particular habit. All of it, I think, comes down to needed to feel in control of our lives, that's the "malady" for me. xo
When I was forty-four, and having bronchitis bouts 4x a year, it dawned on me that smoking would kill me. I quit, and then I quit smoking pot, (I had married my grower!) and spent a bunch of time in Program rooms--NA. Finally, addiction simply left me. 35 years later, I've had the occasional toke--maybe once or twice a year--with my son (who also no longer smokes!) and it never triggered me into wanting more. What a blessing, when addiction lifts....
Wow. SO interesting to get to know people better! You married your grower. I hope there's a poem about that in your archives! What happened with my smoking felt as close to a miracle as I've ever experienced...so in my mind, it WAS a miracle. The desire completely left me, the obsession was lifted. It's quite extraordinary. Giving up control yields amazing treasures. So grateful to be doing this work (recovery) every day. xo
Not my current husband! So a very long time ago. We’ve been married 35 years. I quit my addictive smoking in 1984. Wow! 40 years ago! The next year I got bronchitis 3 times (down from 4), next year 2 times, next year 1 time, and haven’t had it since.
Nan, you have a memory like a steel trap - love this piece! You sure conjured up memories for me, and so many coincidences. For instance, my dad left home when I was 16, I started smoking then, and he told me I could smoke only if I didn't smoke on the street and look trashy. Great pic! I quit smoking at 43!
Hey Jane! Yes, for certain things my memory is intensely intact! And there are a lot of gaps, too. But the more I write, the more the memories are flooding back. It's fascinating. I was talking a friend the other day, and I had this memory of wearing dickies when I was very young, you know, those turtlenecks without the shirt. I though they were very clever on the one hand and stupid on the other. That picture is hilarious (the one of me smoking as a teen). I bet you never looked trashy when you smoked. I'm sure you appeared quite sophisticated...as did I! xo
This evokes such memories of those times. What happy denial we practiced. And our rationalizations. And I love the picture of you as a camp counselor with the cigarette hanging out of your mouth. xo
That photo is hilarious and so sick. OMG. I was a fucking camp counselor. There were kids in the room. Granted, we were having a party that day, and I don't recall smoking in the workshop except for that day, the counselors had a smoking area...bad Nan! xo
So glad you managed to quit, Nan. My dad had a smoking habit till he was 70. Fortunately I never picked it up. I saw how hard it was for other people to give up. And the damage it did.
Absolutely. So sorry about your dad, Nan. My dad had bladder cancer in his seventies, which was likely related to smoking. Recovered from that, against all odds, and it was lung cancer that eventually got him.
Oh boy. Two tough illnesses. My dad also had kidney failure as a result of being under anaesthesia for so long when they repaired his aortic dissection. The doctors predicted either the kidney issues or possible brain damage as a result. Then he got the cancer diagnosis. It wasn't a good time in any of our lives while he was ill. Very sad.
Another great piece Nan! Oh the multitude of stories we all probably share about our struggle to quit smoking! I too was able to do what you ultimately did - quit - boom - and that was it! I made the choice to be an athlete again and not a miserable bar fly drinking and smoking myself to death. It was a choice and I never went back. Good for you! We’re all here to share these stories of victories. Thank you.
Thanks, Mary Anne. I'm so happy it let me go and I let it go. It's a much better life, and I can't remember the last time I had bronchitis. I ceased having it once I stopped smoking! How's that for medical deduction??? xo
It’s fun to love a story twice…was the Latin class in the Rumpus version? I can’t believe you were encouraged to put the butts out on the floor! Yikes.
It’s crazy that we officially figured out how bad cigs are for you not that long ago in the big picture. Thanks, big tobacco!
Oh, yes, the Latin was in the original. We weren't encouraged. We just did it, and no one said anything. What a bunch of assholes we were! I'm thrilled that people are finally figuring it out. The sin taxes is also pretty effective, I guess. The last I heard, cigs were $12 a pack. I'll pass, thanks. xo
I was happy to read how you dropped your addiction to cigarettes. One day it was just lifted. Wondering if your food addiction would lift in the same way. I am seriously dedicated to the lifting of my eating disorder. I believe, through program, that my hard work and the help from my Higher Power will help and set me free. "Lift my sanity and set me free!" That is my faithful and hopeful dream!
Thanks, Barbara! I want that for both of us, for all of us who are hooked to a behavior or the overwhelming need for control that all of us, addicts, people with disordered eating and thinking. All of us. xo
Like another commentator mentioned, another very relatable story. My Dad died of lung cancer at 69. He (and my Mom) smoked a pack a day, at least, from the time he was 16. He tried to quit once when I was 16. I remember it well because we were driving from SF Bay Area to Tahoe. He made it 4 hours and then had to stop at a small country store to buy a pack because he was cold sweating and dizzy. I smoked off and on when I was younger and had a few “quitting” failures similar to yours before I quit for good.
It's a terrible addiction. And now, I have no stomach for it. I'm glad less people are smoking, that the dangers have become more clear or people are more willing to hear it. Thanks for commenting, Annie! It's amazing, isn't it the memories that stay with us? Your dad and the country store. Wow.
Congrats on that Rumpus acceptance, Nan - a painful portrait, but good for people to know. 🩷
I'm glad you were able to give it up, Nan. Infuriating that the industry pedaled the things as though there was no risk at all for so many years, all the while making them intentionally addicting.
Like yours, both of my parents smoked. Mom just with her cup of coffee in the morning, claiming it "kept her regular," dad all day long until he and a buddy went cold turkey. I'd been begging him to quit for years before that and was amazed that he finally did. Took another year or so before mom gave up her one or two. Though he was off of them as long as he was on, my father still died with complications from COPD.
Blessedly, I never had a taste for the things. I couldn't figure out how anyone got past that first phase of choking on the smoke.
Well done on the Rumpus placement!
Thanks, Elizabeth. I’m so glad I stopped. I’m also glad that you never started. xo
my parents and sisters smoked. one sister lives on after lung cancer treatment; her husband still smokes. I quit cold turkey after reaching three packs a day. It was hell. i would run or do pushups ( in the bathroom at work ) until exhausted.... you brought back many memories....
My parents and grandparents smoked - heck all the adults smoked so I assumed I would to and started practicing when I was about 11. Sneaking cigarettes and smoking in the bathroom. I didn’t start smoking “full time” until I was a teenager. I smoked until I was 35 years old. My husband and I quit a month before our wedding, July 12, 1998. That’s a REALLY bad idea, but we survived it. I had tried a few times before— even tried hypnosis once— but it didn’t take until I did with him. And with nicotine patches, an online support group on a message board, and Zyban (Wellbutrin marketed for stopping smoking). It was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had an old boyfriend who had been a coke dealer in the 80’s and said when he quit smoking it was harder than quitting cocaine. My Mom never quiet. She died of lung cancer 5 years ago, at age 73.
Both of my parents smoked, and my older brother smoked from the time he was twelve.
Dad ended up with throat and palate cancer. Mom had emphysema and multiple illnesses attributed to smoking. My brother smoked until his early sixties and finally quit because it was killing him. Sadly, he died last year.
The other three of us didn't smoke. I just could not bear the idea of it. It doesn't make me any better than those who do because I am addicted to other things.
So glad you shared your story. I quit my major addiction in the same way you quit yours. I was just done.
Congrats on the publication! It was worthy of that attention!
Thanks, Mimi! (I just have to call you that!) Yes, they weren't less than because of the addiction, they were human. xo
They say it's harder than heroin. I don't know. I think eating disorders are harder cuz we can't give up food, like cigs or booze or drugs. But I started smoking at 14 and kept going on and off for 25 years. An off period was the decade I birthed three children. I loved them too much to possibly harm them. Then we moved to Greece where everyone smoked like chimneys and I started up again. Until my middle child became a meth addict. I was 52. I wore a patch and quit. No problem. Never went back to it. I said there were enough addictions in my family. It didn't stop her from destroying her life, but it stopped me from destroying mine. That's Al-Anon at work.
Thanks for sharing an unforgettable story, Nan. In our case maybe it was shock and grief of loss that cured us.
Oh I should have read your story closer. I got the time line mixed up! Anyway, we're both quitters. The good kind.
YES! The very goodest! xo
Thanks for sharing that, Marilea. I don't think it was grief and loss on my part. I think I was just done. My dad died 7 years after I quit. We didn't even know yet about the kidney failure that followed after his aortic dissection and a couple of years before his cancer diagnosis. I'm just so happy to be free of that particular habit. All of it, I think, comes down to needed to feel in control of our lives, that's the "malady" for me. xo
So truthful. So good.
When I was forty-four, and having bronchitis bouts 4x a year, it dawned on me that smoking would kill me. I quit, and then I quit smoking pot, (I had married my grower!) and spent a bunch of time in Program rooms--NA. Finally, addiction simply left me. 35 years later, I've had the occasional toke--maybe once or twice a year--with my son (who also no longer smokes!) and it never triggered me into wanting more. What a blessing, when addiction lifts....
Wow. SO interesting to get to know people better! You married your grower. I hope there's a poem about that in your archives! What happened with my smoking felt as close to a miracle as I've ever experienced...so in my mind, it WAS a miracle. The desire completely left me, the obsession was lifted. It's quite extraordinary. Giving up control yields amazing treasures. So grateful to be doing this work (recovery) every day. xo
Not my current husband! So a very long time ago. We’ve been married 35 years. I quit my addictive smoking in 1984. Wow! 40 years ago! The next year I got bronchitis 3 times (down from 4), next year 2 times, next year 1 time, and haven’t had it since.
Nan, you have a memory like a steel trap - love this piece! You sure conjured up memories for me, and so many coincidences. For instance, my dad left home when I was 16, I started smoking then, and he told me I could smoke only if I didn't smoke on the street and look trashy. Great pic! I quit smoking at 43!
Hey Jane! Yes, for certain things my memory is intensely intact! And there are a lot of gaps, too. But the more I write, the more the memories are flooding back. It's fascinating. I was talking a friend the other day, and I had this memory of wearing dickies when I was very young, you know, those turtlenecks without the shirt. I though they were very clever on the one hand and stupid on the other. That picture is hilarious (the one of me smoking as a teen). I bet you never looked trashy when you smoked. I'm sure you appeared quite sophisticated...as did I! xo
This evokes such memories of those times. What happy denial we practiced. And our rationalizations. And I love the picture of you as a camp counselor with the cigarette hanging out of your mouth. xo
That photo is hilarious and so sick. OMG. I was a fucking camp counselor. There were kids in the room. Granted, we were having a party that day, and I don't recall smoking in the workshop except for that day, the counselors had a smoking area...bad Nan! xo
So glad you managed to quit, Nan. My dad had a smoking habit till he was 70. Fortunately I never picked it up. I saw how hard it was for other people to give up. And the damage it did.
So much damage. So much. I miss my dad.
Absolutely. So sorry about your dad, Nan. My dad had bladder cancer in his seventies, which was likely related to smoking. Recovered from that, against all odds, and it was lung cancer that eventually got him.
Oh boy. Two tough illnesses. My dad also had kidney failure as a result of being under anaesthesia for so long when they repaired his aortic dissection. The doctors predicted either the kidney issues or possible brain damage as a result. Then he got the cancer diagnosis. It wasn't a good time in any of our lives while he was ill. Very sad.
Another great piece Nan! Oh the multitude of stories we all probably share about our struggle to quit smoking! I too was able to do what you ultimately did - quit - boom - and that was it! I made the choice to be an athlete again and not a miserable bar fly drinking and smoking myself to death. It was a choice and I never went back. Good for you! We’re all here to share these stories of victories. Thank you.
Thanks, Mary Anne. I'm so happy it let me go and I let it go. It's a much better life, and I can't remember the last time I had bronchitis. I ceased having it once I stopped smoking! How's that for medical deduction??? xo
It’s fun to love a story twice…was the Latin class in the Rumpus version? I can’t believe you were encouraged to put the butts out on the floor! Yikes.
It’s crazy that we officially figured out how bad cigs are for you not that long ago in the big picture. Thanks, big tobacco!
Oh, yes, the Latin was in the original. We weren't encouraged. We just did it, and no one said anything. What a bunch of assholes we were! I'm thrilled that people are finally figuring it out. The sin taxes is also pretty effective, I guess. The last I heard, cigs were $12 a pack. I'll pass, thanks. xo
Oh this story was compelling. Magical thinking is particularly typical in youth, young and invincible!
And typical in adults who can't stop the behaviors that are so life and aliveness threatening. Thanks for reading and commenting, Sheila. xo
I was happy to read how you dropped your addiction to cigarettes. One day it was just lifted. Wondering if your food addiction would lift in the same way. I am seriously dedicated to the lifting of my eating disorder. I believe, through program, that my hard work and the help from my Higher Power will help and set me free. "Lift my sanity and set me free!" That is my faithful and hopeful dream!
Thanks, Barbara! I want that for both of us, for all of us who are hooked to a behavior or the overwhelming need for control that all of us, addicts, people with disordered eating and thinking. All of us. xo
Like another commentator mentioned, another very relatable story. My Dad died of lung cancer at 69. He (and my Mom) smoked a pack a day, at least, from the time he was 16. He tried to quit once when I was 16. I remember it well because we were driving from SF Bay Area to Tahoe. He made it 4 hours and then had to stop at a small country store to buy a pack because he was cold sweating and dizzy. I smoked off and on when I was younger and had a few “quitting” failures similar to yours before I quit for good.
It's a terrible addiction. And now, I have no stomach for it. I'm glad less people are smoking, that the dangers have become more clear or people are more willing to hear it. Thanks for commenting, Annie! It's amazing, isn't it the memories that stay with us? Your dad and the country store. Wow.
Cigarettes were so much harder to kick than booze or drugs. It’s been over 20 years since I quit, and sometimes I still think about it.
It's amazing, isn't it. I really don't miss it, I'm so grateful for that. xo