Fellow extroverted introvert here. I totally get your need for solitude balanced with some meaningful social interaction. (Surface level chit chat doesn't count.) My first association when I read Nine West was the mass market shoe brand, which is kind of an appropriate off-kilter metaphor for what you actually meant. And I appreciate the distinction you give to sadness vs depression. Spot on.
Hey, Leslie! Ah, that's funny about the shoes. The nurses on Nine West would yell (not really yell) at me because I was devoted to wearing Crocs at the time of my medical incarceration. I was told over and over again that they created a fall risk. I have no idea why I just told you that. Oh, and they were lime green. The Crocs, not the nurses. Finding the balance between enough solitude and too much social interaction is challenging for sure. xo
Hey Nan, your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you. Someone who notices when a person has gone off grid and has the heart to check in about it. I love this about you. I can tell how you’ve become very resourced. Not everybody is that fortunate, as you know. I personally love being alone, in fact, I don’t get enough alone time. I think many of us are nourished by alone time and I love how you discern the difference between isolating to appoint of self danger And choosing to be on your own, to have a break, to unplug so to speak. Love to you.
Thanks, Prajna! I'm sure you'd enjoy more time alone. I feel very fortunate to be living the life I've chosen. I wasn't always able to say that. LOVE you! xo
So much wisdom shared here, Nan. Thank you. I relate to your life experience greatly, and I'm just now learning some of the lessons you've so eloquently pinpointed here. All good reminders. Now, excuse me, while I shoot some texts and set up some social meetings. 💕
Oh Nan, there's just too much here that speaks to me. I could paste the comments here but there are too many. Oh well, maybe just this one: " I define myself as an extroverted introvert. I love being in company until I need to step away. As wonderful as being with others can be, it saps me. Being alone is how I come back to myself and rejuvenate, but that can be a slippery slope if too much time goes by without real life interactions. There’s nothing that beats giving and receiving a good solid hug." Yup. Why does it often sap me to be around people? Cuz I'm still too much of a people pleaser and I try too hard not to mess up. When I'm alone I don't have to be so careful! And yes, I also need time alone to recharge.
I always say that 12-stepping is the best therapy in the world. Lots of self-reflection, but not too much, and the self-awareness that keeps us honest and fresh and growing in a healthy direction. It's always refreshing to read you, Nan.
Thank you, lovely Marilea. I don't think it's a codependent piece for me, but I'm going to look at it now that you've brought it up. That never occurred to me. Great insight. 12 Step has transformed my life, led to a much deeper understanding of myself and my actions and has released me from my self-imposted lack of confidence so that I could finally do the thing I've longed to do my whole life. Write. Create. Share. Love to you, xo!
Nan, I saw myself so much in your story. Only this past year did I realize that I tend to panic if someone ghosts me. My mind starts swirling in horrible directions, and I might end up concluding that I did something awful or hurtful.
My sensitivity to rejection has always been high. Sometimes, when I'm in that place you described as "a tug of sadness," I start to feel insecure if I'm not hearing back from the people in my life.
It is a good barometer for me to investigate the status of my mental health, which I usually do until I can get to a more balanced perspective.
Thank you. This was like a window on a spring afternoon - refreshing to know I'm not the only one. And I'm a fellow introvert, too. 🥰
Hey, Jeannie! You are definitely not the only one. Is it ever hard for you to satisfy your introvert needs with a houseful of children? I can't imagine. I know you adore them, but the strikes me a something that could be a hard balance to find. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Lots of love to you and yours. xo
It is TOTALLY hard to find solitude and silence in my house, Nan. Yep. Absolutely. When my husband dropped off the kids this morning at school, I sat in our living room with my journal and thought, “What am I going to do this summer, when there is literally no time during the day for me to sit with my own thoughts?” It’s a dilemma, for sure. Some say evenings, after the kids are in bed, but that’s when I’m just spent and need time to unwind and maybe read a bit before zonking out.
I read this essay first thing this morning, and again, just now. I think I'll read it a 3rd time. It's sparked so many thoughts of my own (about me) and they want *out*. I have let people go, but never without telling them. Not never. Depends on the closeness of the relationship. Never with anyone I was close to. I, too, think ghosting is unkind. (I read all of the comments here, too, and they were also a treasure trove of wisdom and kindness.) Being ghosted is confusing. Is it me? Is it something else? When people disappear, I want to check on them--my first thought is never that they're casting me off--but when they don't respond, or respond to a heartfelt note with an emoji, I let go. For me, it's complicated with my history of one-sided relationships, where I was concerned for someone, but they were not concerned for (or really very interested in) me. So, reaching out to someone who isn't worried about how *I* am is dicey territory. Because I'm not great. None of us are. Anyway, friend, thank you for this. Your self awareness and joy in solitude (me, too) is beautiful and admirable. x
Thanks, lovely you. I never felt ghosted by this friend. I was just worried...and I actually have a great deal of compassion because of how I've been in my own life. Sometimes folks need to go underground for a time, and it has nothing to do with us. But, yes. the thing about one-sided relationships? I've experienced that, too. Self-care and self-examination are the tools I'm tending to use more often these days. The truth for me is I have no control over anyone except me. Once I let go of the illusion and tended to myself (not in selfish way, but in a "self" way) things got easier to navigate in my life. xo
That is the BIG truth--that we have no control over anyone but ourselves. But we do have to decide how to respond to what they do. Even if it's just in our heads and how we choose to deal with the thoughts/emotions around that. It is a lifelong lesson for me...
Exactly. It's all about our responses, isn't it? And responding is so much healthier for me than reacting. I feel as if I went into "reaction" mode when trying to reach my pal on my renewed attempt. Maybe a little over the top, but it truly was out of love and concern. xo
I'm glad I'm not the only one that sometimes verges on stalkerish when I notice someone has disappeared. This year I have found, more and more, that I try to be the way I might hope other people would be if the tables were flipped (regardless of whether things played out that way for me). So.... if I notice an absence, I try to check in, just in case. I want the people I am aware of in that way to know that someone notices/sees -- just in case it makes a difference. That wasn't really the point of your post, but your opening hits a lot of things for me (in a year that hasn't done much for my belief in humanity).
The rest of the post hits a lot of things for me, too. No big surprise. I am happily a stay-at-home-do-all-my-own-things person and have no desire to be real-world social (and no knowledge of how), but I do need at least _some_ virtual contact (although on my terms, lol). Unfortunately, I don't much trust the depth of that these days. I still need it but view it for what it is. I admire that you have tools and are aware of your warning signs. My mechanisms are all home-grown, but I try to pay attention. Unfortunately, I think some of us cover too well.
Thanks for opening conversations with your stories.
There are so many different things you've said in your comment that ring true for me, too. And, my dear friend, checking in makes a big difference. I tend to notice when people go missing, probably because I relate to it so well. We all want to be longed for, even in more superficial ways, I think. I'm very good at covering, and I adore Zoom. It's how I can be with folks, while ensconced in my familiar, safe feeling surroundings. And I can end the calls, and already be where I am! No commuting is so awesome. And those pj bottoms! Can't beat it. Let's Zoom one of these days? It's okay if you don't care to. I'm connected to you through our writing. You even tracked me down almost a year ago. You were checking in. And boy, did I appreciate it. xo
I too am learning to do a little self-inquiry when someone is unresponsive to my outreach--not to assume/obsess. Thanks for describing your own process. (And the distinction between sadness and depression. So important.) That said, I am generally kinda pissed off about the current (lack of) etiquette around communication. If someone reaches out to you (I don't mean "you," I mean "one"), it's common courtesy to respond. If someone's stalking you, yes, don't respond! But otherwise, do, even if it's only to say, "Forgive me, I don't feel up to responding these days." It's just so unkind to ghost people; most of us have the tendency to worry and feel bad when that happens.
I'm an introvert who has learned, over the years, to really enjoy company. I surprise myself! But like you I need time to regenerate.
Yes, the etiquette piece is big. I have a client who's gone missing too, and she and I happily worked together for years...and then, she was nowhere to be found. It's hard not to scour my communications looking for a reason, such as: did I offend her? I don't think so, not at all. I'm more worried than hurt at her disappearance, but I am hurt too. It's her birthday today. I called an left a message, and asked her to contact me AGAIN. I guess I should just let it go, but it's hard. She's someone I truly care about. I just don't get it. I do wish people would respond, but I'm often guilty of the same thing. Sometimes I get overloaded and things fly away from me. Trying to be more mindful. Love you, Pamela! xo
Loved this. Yes, there's a big difference between sadness and depression I've learned. I, too, am an introvert with sort-of-extrovert inclinations. For me, I think the place of introvert-ville can get too comfortable. Bye bye Nine West. xo
Bye-bye Nine West is right. The introversion is a happy place for me. And a lot of people I've shared this observation with don't perceive me that way...but it is my truth. I love my own company. Not a bad thing to be able to say after so many years of struggling to "fix" me. Nothing to fix, maybe a little polish for the tarnish that's built up over the years, but I'm shining bright these days with great rest periods in between! Love you, Nancy! xo
Hey Nan, great,thoughtful essay!Realizing that I'm an introvert has been one of the greatest gifts I've gotten from sponsorship. I had to be told. I thought I was defective because I found it painful sometimes to be with other people. I respect my need for solitude today. When I give myself solitude,I soon come back to those I love,more whole. Replenished. On the flip side,I often give myself the assignment to purposefully interact with other people. Otherwise,I hide/fade into the background where it's safe. I call up my "two hug minimum" at in-person meetings.
Your writing about the eventuality that can happen between sadness and depression shows me how far I've come. Sadness comes and goes. It's often rooted in love,like missing someone. But it doesn't kick me to the basement like it used to. I'm so grateful for that. Thanks for waking up these understandings in me! Xxoo Marguerite
"Sadness comes and goes. It's often rooted in love, like missing someone." I adore that. There's a sweetness to sadness for me that I never, ever experience with depression. And learning to recognize our needs and then act on them is one of the greatest gifts I've received from being in program. xoxo
Congratulations for knowing yourself so well, Nan, and becoming such an excellent navigator of your own life! Putting in the hard work has paid off beautifully!! 💕
I love this so much, Nan - your kind heart, your caring for your friends, and your willingness to ask yourself hard questions. Not everyone is that aware or courageous.
What I enjoyed most about this post is how concern about your friend prompted concern for yourself. Not self loathing or self flatulation, but concern. A real and honest check in. During one of the hardest times in my adult life, I always said that my dog, Tulie, saved me. I believe it’s because she made me leave the house, at least three times a day, to take her out. And so, I got a little sunshine, made eye contact with a few humans, and touched tips with something other than wallowing. I’ll always thank her for that.
Thanks, Jess! Yes, the critters have definitely contributed to and enhanced the quality of my life in endless ways. They take my mind off my troubles and the weight of their compact bodies in my lap and the warmth of their hearts, oh boy. I don't know that I could do life as well without them. And no, no self-flagellation, but every once in while there IS some flatulation...or flatulence, but shhhhh, don't tell! Love you, sweetie!
Fellow extroverted introvert here. I totally get your need for solitude balanced with some meaningful social interaction. (Surface level chit chat doesn't count.) My first association when I read Nine West was the mass market shoe brand, which is kind of an appropriate off-kilter metaphor for what you actually meant. And I appreciate the distinction you give to sadness vs depression. Spot on.
Hey, Leslie! Ah, that's funny about the shoes. The nurses on Nine West would yell (not really yell) at me because I was devoted to wearing Crocs at the time of my medical incarceration. I was told over and over again that they created a fall risk. I have no idea why I just told you that. Oh, and they were lime green. The Crocs, not the nurses. Finding the balance between enough solitude and too much social interaction is challenging for sure. xo
Thank goodness you’re around.
Much love to you, Tess. I feel that way about you, too! xo
I was just about to ask you…
What were you going to ask me, Tess? Where I went? I'm SO busy! Let's talk soon. xo
I was going to share my latest posts and have you read them!
I have two I wanted to share.
Yay! xo
Hey Nan, your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you. Someone who notices when a person has gone off grid and has the heart to check in about it. I love this about you. I can tell how you’ve become very resourced. Not everybody is that fortunate, as you know. I personally love being alone, in fact, I don’t get enough alone time. I think many of us are nourished by alone time and I love how you discern the difference between isolating to appoint of self danger And choosing to be on your own, to have a break, to unplug so to speak. Love to you.
Thanks, Prajna! I'm sure you'd enjoy more time alone. I feel very fortunate to be living the life I've chosen. I wasn't always able to say that. LOVE you! xo
Yes, and honestly I love both: my alone time is my together time as I am refueling my love well.
So much wisdom shared here, Nan. Thank you. I relate to your life experience greatly, and I'm just now learning some of the lessons you've so eloquently pinpointed here. All good reminders. Now, excuse me, while I shoot some texts and set up some social meetings. 💕
Thanks, Katrina! I'm so glad you're reaching out! That's a good idea. I should do that, too!
All the best, xo
Never stop reaching out to friends who fade away, Detective Sherlock Tepper ❤️
Never, ever, ever. I'm glad you got the reference! Love you, Jodi! xo
Oh Nan, there's just too much here that speaks to me. I could paste the comments here but there are too many. Oh well, maybe just this one: " I define myself as an extroverted introvert. I love being in company until I need to step away. As wonderful as being with others can be, it saps me. Being alone is how I come back to myself and rejuvenate, but that can be a slippery slope if too much time goes by without real life interactions. There’s nothing that beats giving and receiving a good solid hug." Yup. Why does it often sap me to be around people? Cuz I'm still too much of a people pleaser and I try too hard not to mess up. When I'm alone I don't have to be so careful! And yes, I also need time alone to recharge.
I always say that 12-stepping is the best therapy in the world. Lots of self-reflection, but not too much, and the self-awareness that keeps us honest and fresh and growing in a healthy direction. It's always refreshing to read you, Nan.
Thank you, lovely Marilea. I don't think it's a codependent piece for me, but I'm going to look at it now that you've brought it up. That never occurred to me. Great insight. 12 Step has transformed my life, led to a much deeper understanding of myself and my actions and has released me from my self-imposted lack of confidence so that I could finally do the thing I've longed to do my whole life. Write. Create. Share. Love to you, xo!
Nan, I saw myself so much in your story. Only this past year did I realize that I tend to panic if someone ghosts me. My mind starts swirling in horrible directions, and I might end up concluding that I did something awful or hurtful.
My sensitivity to rejection has always been high. Sometimes, when I'm in that place you described as "a tug of sadness," I start to feel insecure if I'm not hearing back from the people in my life.
It is a good barometer for me to investigate the status of my mental health, which I usually do until I can get to a more balanced perspective.
Thank you. This was like a window on a spring afternoon - refreshing to know I'm not the only one. And I'm a fellow introvert, too. 🥰
Hey, Jeannie! You are definitely not the only one. Is it ever hard for you to satisfy your introvert needs with a houseful of children? I can't imagine. I know you adore them, but the strikes me a something that could be a hard balance to find. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Lots of love to you and yours. xo
It is TOTALLY hard to find solitude and silence in my house, Nan. Yep. Absolutely. When my husband dropped off the kids this morning at school, I sat in our living room with my journal and thought, “What am I going to do this summer, when there is literally no time during the day for me to sit with my own thoughts?” It’s a dilemma, for sure. Some say evenings, after the kids are in bed, but that’s when I’m just spent and need time to unwind and maybe read a bit before zonking out.
I could never do what you do. Ever. You could just go on a vacation...solo! xo
I wish, Nan! :)
I read this essay first thing this morning, and again, just now. I think I'll read it a 3rd time. It's sparked so many thoughts of my own (about me) and they want *out*. I have let people go, but never without telling them. Not never. Depends on the closeness of the relationship. Never with anyone I was close to. I, too, think ghosting is unkind. (I read all of the comments here, too, and they were also a treasure trove of wisdom and kindness.) Being ghosted is confusing. Is it me? Is it something else? When people disappear, I want to check on them--my first thought is never that they're casting me off--but when they don't respond, or respond to a heartfelt note with an emoji, I let go. For me, it's complicated with my history of one-sided relationships, where I was concerned for someone, but they were not concerned for (or really very interested in) me. So, reaching out to someone who isn't worried about how *I* am is dicey territory. Because I'm not great. None of us are. Anyway, friend, thank you for this. Your self awareness and joy in solitude (me, too) is beautiful and admirable. x
Thanks, lovely you. I never felt ghosted by this friend. I was just worried...and I actually have a great deal of compassion because of how I've been in my own life. Sometimes folks need to go underground for a time, and it has nothing to do with us. But, yes. the thing about one-sided relationships? I've experienced that, too. Self-care and self-examination are the tools I'm tending to use more often these days. The truth for me is I have no control over anyone except me. Once I let go of the illusion and tended to myself (not in selfish way, but in a "self" way) things got easier to navigate in my life. xo
That is the BIG truth--that we have no control over anyone but ourselves. But we do have to decide how to respond to what they do. Even if it's just in our heads and how we choose to deal with the thoughts/emotions around that. It is a lifelong lesson for me...
Exactly. It's all about our responses, isn't it? And responding is so much healthier for me than reacting. I feel as if I went into "reaction" mode when trying to reach my pal on my renewed attempt. Maybe a little over the top, but it truly was out of love and concern. xo
I'm glad I'm not the only one that sometimes verges on stalkerish when I notice someone has disappeared. This year I have found, more and more, that I try to be the way I might hope other people would be if the tables were flipped (regardless of whether things played out that way for me). So.... if I notice an absence, I try to check in, just in case. I want the people I am aware of in that way to know that someone notices/sees -- just in case it makes a difference. That wasn't really the point of your post, but your opening hits a lot of things for me (in a year that hasn't done much for my belief in humanity).
The rest of the post hits a lot of things for me, too. No big surprise. I am happily a stay-at-home-do-all-my-own-things person and have no desire to be real-world social (and no knowledge of how), but I do need at least _some_ virtual contact (although on my terms, lol). Unfortunately, I don't much trust the depth of that these days. I still need it but view it for what it is. I admire that you have tools and are aware of your warning signs. My mechanisms are all home-grown, but I try to pay attention. Unfortunately, I think some of us cover too well.
Thanks for opening conversations with your stories.
There are so many different things you've said in your comment that ring true for me, too. And, my dear friend, checking in makes a big difference. I tend to notice when people go missing, probably because I relate to it so well. We all want to be longed for, even in more superficial ways, I think. I'm very good at covering, and I adore Zoom. It's how I can be with folks, while ensconced in my familiar, safe feeling surroundings. And I can end the calls, and already be where I am! No commuting is so awesome. And those pj bottoms! Can't beat it. Let's Zoom one of these days? It's okay if you don't care to. I'm connected to you through our writing. You even tracked me down almost a year ago. You were checking in. And boy, did I appreciate it. xo
I too am learning to do a little self-inquiry when someone is unresponsive to my outreach--not to assume/obsess. Thanks for describing your own process. (And the distinction between sadness and depression. So important.) That said, I am generally kinda pissed off about the current (lack of) etiquette around communication. If someone reaches out to you (I don't mean "you," I mean "one"), it's common courtesy to respond. If someone's stalking you, yes, don't respond! But otherwise, do, even if it's only to say, "Forgive me, I don't feel up to responding these days." It's just so unkind to ghost people; most of us have the tendency to worry and feel bad when that happens.
I'm an introvert who has learned, over the years, to really enjoy company. I surprise myself! But like you I need time to regenerate.
Yes, the etiquette piece is big. I have a client who's gone missing too, and she and I happily worked together for years...and then, she was nowhere to be found. It's hard not to scour my communications looking for a reason, such as: did I offend her? I don't think so, not at all. I'm more worried than hurt at her disappearance, but I am hurt too. It's her birthday today. I called an left a message, and asked her to contact me AGAIN. I guess I should just let it go, but it's hard. She's someone I truly care about. I just don't get it. I do wish people would respond, but I'm often guilty of the same thing. Sometimes I get overloaded and things fly away from me. Trying to be more mindful. Love you, Pamela! xo
Loved this. Yes, there's a big difference between sadness and depression I've learned. I, too, am an introvert with sort-of-extrovert inclinations. For me, I think the place of introvert-ville can get too comfortable. Bye bye Nine West. xo
Bye-bye Nine West is right. The introversion is a happy place for me. And a lot of people I've shared this observation with don't perceive me that way...but it is my truth. I love my own company. Not a bad thing to be able to say after so many years of struggling to "fix" me. Nothing to fix, maybe a little polish for the tarnish that's built up over the years, but I'm shining bright these days with great rest periods in between! Love you, Nancy! xo
Hey Nan, great,thoughtful essay!Realizing that I'm an introvert has been one of the greatest gifts I've gotten from sponsorship. I had to be told. I thought I was defective because I found it painful sometimes to be with other people. I respect my need for solitude today. When I give myself solitude,I soon come back to those I love,more whole. Replenished. On the flip side,I often give myself the assignment to purposefully interact with other people. Otherwise,I hide/fade into the background where it's safe. I call up my "two hug minimum" at in-person meetings.
Your writing about the eventuality that can happen between sadness and depression shows me how far I've come. Sadness comes and goes. It's often rooted in love,like missing someone. But it doesn't kick me to the basement like it used to. I'm so grateful for that. Thanks for waking up these understandings in me! Xxoo Marguerite
"Sadness comes and goes. It's often rooted in love, like missing someone." I adore that. There's a sweetness to sadness for me that I never, ever experience with depression. And learning to recognize our needs and then act on them is one of the greatest gifts I've received from being in program. xoxo
Congratulations for knowing yourself so well, Nan, and becoming such an excellent navigator of your own life! Putting in the hard work has paid off beautifully!! 💕
I love this so much, Nan - your kind heart, your caring for your friends, and your willingness to ask yourself hard questions. Not everyone is that aware or courageous.
And I love YOU, Paulette! Thank you for this generous, generous comment! xo
What I enjoyed most about this post is how concern about your friend prompted concern for yourself. Not self loathing or self flatulation, but concern. A real and honest check in. During one of the hardest times in my adult life, I always said that my dog, Tulie, saved me. I believe it’s because she made me leave the house, at least three times a day, to take her out. And so, I got a little sunshine, made eye contact with a few humans, and touched tips with something other than wallowing. I’ll always thank her for that.
Thanks, Jess! Yes, the critters have definitely contributed to and enhanced the quality of my life in endless ways. They take my mind off my troubles and the weight of their compact bodies in my lap and the warmth of their hearts, oh boy. I don't know that I could do life as well without them. And no, no self-flagellation, but every once in while there IS some flatulation...or flatulence, but shhhhh, don't tell! Love you, sweetie!
Stupid autocorrect! How in the world was THAT considered the better alternative?!? 🤦🏼♀️
It was worth it, because it made me laugh! Thank you for that, and thank you for autocorrect, who is so rarely correct! xo