Just wow - Nancy Nurse that was me. Nancy with the smiling face aiming to please. I am so happy for your not jumping, your pause and your beautiful raw honesty. Love this 🌹💜🌹
Nan, I so much identify with the first part of what you wrote. I too learned to be a people pleaser who adapted, like a chameleon to those around me. But I guess the many years of therapy and yes growing up in a family that expressed anger (well at least my dad did), allowed me to get fucking upset about it.
Years ago, a friend recommended I read The dance of anger by Harriet Lerner. At the time I thought she was crazy. I wasn’t angry?! 😡 when I read it, finally, it all clicked into place. Your depression is also a sort of anger - except at yourself instead of outwards (because that’s what you learned). Anyhoo- at the expense of feeling like your blond blue-eyed frenemy from school, I decided to take advantage of pride month to buy a subscription for your writing :).
Wow, Audrey. Yes. And I've heard of the book, The Dance of Anger. Might be an interesting read, now that I know more. I think I might have balked before I came to an understanding that my depressions were rooted in codependence, not being able to say "no," and a good dose of C-PTSD. And, thank you for the support of a paid subscription. That's so lovely. We can learn to say "no" together, and we'll grow, together! xo
Nan, what a deeply written, reflective, honest essay in which I saw myself reflected in nearly every line, from the young child learning to please to validate her worth and keep her safe & loved, to the woman who continues to be kind, generous and helpful to everyone, often to the detriment of her own dreams & desires. Resentment & anger built towards my ex husband over decades of me being our sole income earner while he haplessly tried to be an entrepreneur and I was too ‘amyable’ to say Enough and cut the ties of co-dependency—-until thank God, sober at 61, gauze ripped from my eyes, I could initiate a divorce at 62 and set myself free to unlearn my people pleasing ways. I am still a work in progress, but like you, Nan, today I pause before I leap into my natural Enneagram 2 Giver/Helper personality. I’ve learned to ask myself, ‘is this pleasing you, Amy? If not, is it worth what it will cost you (and your spirit)?’ Let’s keep up our self-pleasing ways Nan, because I bet that needs more attention than our sincere desire to be helpful, kind, generous souls. 💗
"Thanks. Yes. Wow." To quote Anne Lamott. I'm so happy for you, that you freed yourself from your patterns. It's a such an automatic response, that learning to pause and check in is essential in the unlearning of the behavior. It's so easy to get seduced back into the dynamic. I could talk about this stuff for hours. It's fascinating. When I put myself first, really check in and operate from that vantage point, I actually become a better friend, and a much more loving presence. xo
As I was reading, I thought, resentment has to be coming any second now. And boom! There it was. VERY relatable and inspiring piece, my sister from another mister.
Most women are raised to be people pleasers, don't you think? We're the fixers, too, and sometimes it's easier to do what others want or what you think they want rather than risk controversy or conflict - no fixing required then, or not as much. No wonder so many of us get lost in the fray of people pleasing. And then, anger and resentment bubble up. How could they not?
Thanks for yet another relatable piece and for reminding us saying no is just fine. Oh, and I'm glad you did that one sensible thing and bought yourself a house!
Yes, absolutely, women are raised to take care of everyone but themselves. Sacrifice and the moments of dishonesty that can build to resentments is very common.
And yes, about the house. I LOVE MY HOUSE. It's my happy place. xo
Oh Nan, this is so familiar. The resentment will eat you up alive. And so that pausing and checking if one's coming from no strings attached is absolutely key. Thank you for being so honest in your writing.
Wow. I recognise this - I had a friend who fell into the same trap - she was overly generous but inwardly resentment was building up. We ended up falling out after what I thought was a good friendship. I shouldn't really have been surprised, as she had told me how much she had done for her sister and then felt very resentful to the point where she wasn't speaking to her any more. It was much the same with me. We had actually done a lot to help each other, but in the end we had a painful parting. I'm so glad you found help and support and the knowledge that you are lovable just for who you are.
Thanks, Ann. It's actually a very common behavior, not unusual at all. And yes, I'm so glad I was able to untangle it and see and take responsibility for my own behaviors. I'm somewhat new to having good boundaries. I like it a lot! Love you, xo
Wow! I can relate to so much. Being a fixer, a people pleaser just doesn’t look so sexy, or seem so appealing when you put it like that! Thank you, Nan. 💜
To have internalized patterns of helping or trying to fix/passify situations and adopted them as your expected role is hard. But recognizing and owning up to the underside of that, the knowledge that there "were" strings, that you had expectations attached to giving, and that you resented not getting the same help from others takes courage. Our inner dissatisfaction with what we get back from others seems like something very tricky to untangle. Glad you have better and healthier boundaries now.
Ah, Melody. The queen of codependency will be missed. Yup, I've let go of my attachments and expectations. I help others sometimes, but not feverishly, cuz the "helping" is just for me. There will be no lasting return on my investment. It's like amends. There need not be any absolution. They're for me. Anyway, I help where and when I can, but not if it will hurt me. The self-worth I am seeking is an inside job.
And Happy Pride, Nan. My 15-year old grandson began life as a girl and came out as a trans boy four years ago. God Bless him and you and anyone who has the courage to face the discrimination out there. Muah!
Wow- this was like looking in the mirror! I love the way you connect past and present. And it was delightful to see the cover of a Little Golden Book! Loved those!
We all share so much in common, being humans, don't you think? My parents were really good at a lot of things. I know they loved me, but oy vey, they didn't have great skills. And I love them, too. I know the harm (or trauma) I experienced as their kid was not intentional, just the by-product of the parenting they received. Life is so complicated. Love, Nancy Nurse xo
So many important truths in this. The pleaser in me sees the pleaser in you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Recovering from this is a life-long endeavor.
It sure is a life-long endeavor. It's so ingrained that I really do have to pause when I see something I want to "fix" or help with. People are capable of asking for help when they want and need it. I don't have to take care of anyone but myself. When I help sometimes I can really hurt people, because I'm enabling them instead of empowering them. I'm so glad to be learning this lesson. To me, it means I'm valuing myself more. xo
The hardest for me has been learning/unlearning with my (now adult) kids. This really rings true there: " When I help sometimes I can really hurt people, because I'm enabling them instead of empowering them." I often feel so lucky to be living in a time when we know so much more about these things. Better late than never, you know?
Yes! For all things, I think. I just started writing in a committed way 2 years ago. Never too late to start and keep growing. I can finally say that I'm not only happy in my life, I'm satisfied and peaceful too. I love doing the work of growing up (at 64!)
Just wow - Nancy Nurse that was me. Nancy with the smiling face aiming to please. I am so happy for your not jumping, your pause and your beautiful raw honesty. Love this 🌹💜🌹
Yup! xo
Nan, I so much identify with the first part of what you wrote. I too learned to be a people pleaser who adapted, like a chameleon to those around me. But I guess the many years of therapy and yes growing up in a family that expressed anger (well at least my dad did), allowed me to get fucking upset about it.
Years ago, a friend recommended I read The dance of anger by Harriet Lerner. At the time I thought she was crazy. I wasn’t angry?! 😡 when I read it, finally, it all clicked into place. Your depression is also a sort of anger - except at yourself instead of outwards (because that’s what you learned). Anyhoo- at the expense of feeling like your blond blue-eyed frenemy from school, I decided to take advantage of pride month to buy a subscription for your writing :).
Keep on keeping on.
We can learn together to say “no”!
Wow, Audrey. Yes. And I've heard of the book, The Dance of Anger. Might be an interesting read, now that I know more. I think I might have balked before I came to an understanding that my depressions were rooted in codependence, not being able to say "no," and a good dose of C-PTSD. And, thank you for the support of a paid subscription. That's so lovely. We can learn to say "no" together, and we'll grow, together! xo
Let’s! And encourage others to say No!
Yes! I mean NO! Uh, Yes? Yes!
Nan, what a deeply written, reflective, honest essay in which I saw myself reflected in nearly every line, from the young child learning to please to validate her worth and keep her safe & loved, to the woman who continues to be kind, generous and helpful to everyone, often to the detriment of her own dreams & desires. Resentment & anger built towards my ex husband over decades of me being our sole income earner while he haplessly tried to be an entrepreneur and I was too ‘amyable’ to say Enough and cut the ties of co-dependency—-until thank God, sober at 61, gauze ripped from my eyes, I could initiate a divorce at 62 and set myself free to unlearn my people pleasing ways. I am still a work in progress, but like you, Nan, today I pause before I leap into my natural Enneagram 2 Giver/Helper personality. I’ve learned to ask myself, ‘is this pleasing you, Amy? If not, is it worth what it will cost you (and your spirit)?’ Let’s keep up our self-pleasing ways Nan, because I bet that needs more attention than our sincere desire to be helpful, kind, generous souls. 💗
"Thanks. Yes. Wow." To quote Anne Lamott. I'm so happy for you, that you freed yourself from your patterns. It's a such an automatic response, that learning to pause and check in is essential in the unlearning of the behavior. It's so easy to get seduced back into the dynamic. I could talk about this stuff for hours. It's fascinating. When I put myself first, really check in and operate from that vantage point, I actually become a better friend, and a much more loving presence. xo
Yes, that’s it exactly! It isn’t selfish at all to honor ourselves first.
As I was reading, I thought, resentment has to be coming any second now. And boom! There it was. VERY relatable and inspiring piece, my sister from another mister.
I thought about you when I was writing it, Chris. I knew you’d get it. I really do feel like we’re sibs! How lucky am I? So lucky. xo
I'm the lucky one!
Nooooo. ME! xo
Hi Nan,
Most women are raised to be people pleasers, don't you think? We're the fixers, too, and sometimes it's easier to do what others want or what you think they want rather than risk controversy or conflict - no fixing required then, or not as much. No wonder so many of us get lost in the fray of people pleasing. And then, anger and resentment bubble up. How could they not?
Thanks for yet another relatable piece and for reminding us saying no is just fine. Oh, and I'm glad you did that one sensible thing and bought yourself a house!
Yes, absolutely, women are raised to take care of everyone but themselves. Sacrifice and the moments of dishonesty that can build to resentments is very common.
And yes, about the house. I LOVE MY HOUSE. It's my happy place. xo
Oh Nan, this is so familiar. The resentment will eat you up alive. And so that pausing and checking if one's coming from no strings attached is absolutely key. Thank you for being so honest in your writing.
Yup. Thanks, Liza. Love to you. xo
Wow. I recognise this - I had a friend who fell into the same trap - she was overly generous but inwardly resentment was building up. We ended up falling out after what I thought was a good friendship. I shouldn't really have been surprised, as she had told me how much she had done for her sister and then felt very resentful to the point where she wasn't speaking to her any more. It was much the same with me. We had actually done a lot to help each other, but in the end we had a painful parting. I'm so glad you found help and support and the knowledge that you are lovable just for who you are.
Thanks, Ann. It's actually a very common behavior, not unusual at all. And yes, I'm so glad I was able to untangle it and see and take responsibility for my own behaviors. I'm somewhat new to having good boundaries. I like it a lot! Love you, xo
Wow! I can relate to so much. Being a fixer, a people pleaser just doesn’t look so sexy, or seem so appealing when you put it like that! Thank you, Nan. 💜
So not sexy. I'm so happy to have finally learned that, Joy. xo
To have internalized patterns of helping or trying to fix/passify situations and adopted them as your expected role is hard. But recognizing and owning up to the underside of that, the knowledge that there "were" strings, that you had expectations attached to giving, and that you resented not getting the same help from others takes courage. Our inner dissatisfaction with what we get back from others seems like something very tricky to untangle. Glad you have better and healthier boundaries now.
Thank goddess for way better boundaries. I'm learning. xo
Ah, Melody. The queen of codependency will be missed. Yup, I've let go of my attachments and expectations. I help others sometimes, but not feverishly, cuz the "helping" is just for me. There will be no lasting return on my investment. It's like amends. There need not be any absolution. They're for me. Anyway, I help where and when I can, but not if it will hurt me. The self-worth I am seeking is an inside job.
And Happy Pride, Nan. My 15-year old grandson began life as a girl and came out as a trans boy four years ago. God Bless him and you and anyone who has the courage to face the discrimination out there. Muah!
LOVE this! You understand. Who's Melody? I don't understand! MWAH, right back at you. xo
Melody Beattie, the writer of books on codependency. She died recently.
She died? I didn't know. Oh. Sad. Boo. GRRRRR. xo
Happy Pride!! (And fuck the homophobes & bigots!)
I always say that "No" is the one complete sentence all women need to know.
RIGHT??? Yes. I mean, NO! xo
Wow- this was like looking in the mirror! I love the way you connect past and present. And it was delightful to see the cover of a Little Golden Book! Loved those!
We all share so much in common, being humans, don't you think? My parents were really good at a lot of things. I know they loved me, but oy vey, they didn't have great skills. And I love them, too. I know the harm (or trauma) I experienced as their kid was not intentional, just the by-product of the parenting they received. Life is so complicated. Love, Nancy Nurse xo
So many important truths in this. The pleaser in me sees the pleaser in you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Recovering from this is a life-long endeavor.
With you, Rita!
It sure is a life-long endeavor. It's so ingrained that I really do have to pause when I see something I want to "fix" or help with. People are capable of asking for help when they want and need it. I don't have to take care of anyone but myself. When I help sometimes I can really hurt people, because I'm enabling them instead of empowering them. I'm so glad to be learning this lesson. To me, it means I'm valuing myself more. xo
The hardest for me has been learning/unlearning with my (now adult) kids. This really rings true there: " When I help sometimes I can really hurt people, because I'm enabling them instead of empowering them." I often feel so lucky to be living in a time when we know so much more about these things. Better late than never, you know?
Yes! For all things, I think. I just started writing in a committed way 2 years ago. Never too late to start and keep growing. I can finally say that I'm not only happy in my life, I'm satisfied and peaceful too. I love doing the work of growing up (at 64!)
60 here 🙂 It's pretty great, finally.
Yup. xo
Beautiful.
Thanks, Amrita! xo
Wow! So much clarity in your stories Nan. I appreciate you and your essays so much! Thanks for sharing your journey!🌈
Thank you, Pamela. Sending hugs! xo
Love this.
Thanks, Kara! xo