Sure are. Especially the constant acquisition of makes and models (minis especially) over the years. Trying to stay in one car for longer than 4 minutes. But I really like them. I could have been a fabulous car salesperson, except that I hate car dealerships! xo
This was amazing, Nan. Funny, I’ve been thinking about writing about driving too. For years, I’ve said that the most reliable indicator of my overall emotional state is how I behave behind the wheel. When I slip into that impatience and anger, I know I’m not in a good place and need to check myself. It happened last week. I only wish there was a gauge on my dashboard that showed it to make it even more obvious.
Thanks, Chris. Yeah. Us. Bad people who want to do better! Nah, just kidding. Or am I? I think as long as we're paying attention and staying honest, we can use those little messages to get us on the right road (oy) to emotional sobriety. Or not. Double oy.
BTW, I LOVED your post last night. Color names has been a peeve of mine forever. What a bunch of misleading malarkey. Pantone is way to fond of itself, and then there's Behr, Benjamin Moore, and Glidden. Same goes for lipstick, nail color, rouge. I'm at a loss for other paint manufactures. They can all take their chip samples and shove them. I know what white looks like and so do you, my friend.
For any other readers perusing this comment, go read Chris's post. It's hilarious.
That’s exactly it—we have to keep paying attention. Because, in my case anyway, it’s going to keep happening. I just need to recognize it in the moment.
Thanks! I had a strong feeling you’d appreciate that piece! 😊
LOVED that piece. It was absolutely perfect. What a bunch of bozos in those industries. Yikes. Just think of what it might turn into when they replace all those terribly inaccurate namesters with bots. Done in a nanotrillionth of the time it would take a person to do it.
A "one nan band" haha. I would not have imagined this side of you. I am the sort of driver who'd piss you off. I'm slowish and people want me to speed up. It does enrage me when others tailgate and I tend to slow down further, which is a dangerous little game. They could go around, but it seems like a bullying behavior--they want me to move instead of them. Ohmygod so much psychology at work in driving...
Yes, it was hard for me to write this truth out loud, because of that. To admit my human, but lesser self. Yes, you might still piss me off IF you do things like drive 15mph on a 40mph road. And yes, I'd pass you, if possible, but I wouldn't tailgate you, because that snail pace means something isn't right! But there are times when I wish that people who drive well under the limit would just pull over to the shoulder and let other people pass! Gah! The things that go through my head on the road. But I'm much recovered. And I love to drive. And yes, the psychology of driving for me really boils down to fear of not being safe that then gets fueled by the need to always feel in control of all the things. And we can't be in control of all the things. Ever. xo
Driving isn't safe, period. Because you never know what you'll encounter. People who drive too slowly, under the speed limit (significantly) are given tickets for driving too slowly. It creates a hazard. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm hypervigilant on the road and that stems from all kinds of things. So my reactions are usually triggered by fear. Too slow, too fast, chaotic, weavers, all the things. And a lot people have no idea what the rules of the road are, much less a sense of etiquette and awareness of what's happening around them on the road. Driving is scary and serious. Obviously from the mouth of a reformed maniac. xo
Love this. My mother learned all her curse words driving with her Uncle Sammy, notoriously mild mannered everywhere but behind the wheel of a car. There's something about all that steel that makes us feel...invincible. I gave up my car for the same reason you tempered your temper, I didn't want to hurt anyone and while I'm not rageful behind the wheel I really, really resent folks who pull into the exit lane at the last minute, rather than inching along like the rest of us well behaved folks, as of their time is more valuable than mine. Well, buddy, it's not, but your car is. I always drive a piece of shit car, one that showed up with scratches and maybe a dent or two. A car you can clearly see will not mind sustaining more cosmetic damage, so, you with your shiny new whatever car? Just try and squeeze in because my car and I? We wear our scars with pride. Try me. Just try me. 🚘🤕
"She was a very nervous passenger. She was one of those riders who’d sit up front grasping the overhead handle with both hands as I drove, explaining apologetically that it was just the way she was, she did it with everyone."
That's me, Nan. I'm her. Drives my husband crazy ;-). This was great--a life lesson wrapped in the everyday, my favorite kinds of essays!
Thank you! That makes me so happy. Not that you're like my former girlfriend, but that you liked the essay. YAY! xo And she did eventually relax a bit as she learned she could trust my mindful driving. But there were still sudden gasps every now and then, and by "gasps" I mean crazy intakes of air mixed with screams that would startle the shit out of me. xo
Every word of this resonated. I, too, have a rage monologue (idiots! cretins! nice turn signal, asshole!) happening whenever I'm alone in the car, and although I'm not nearly as far along as you in letting go of my rage, I'd like to think I'm coming along in the compassion department. It started a few years back, when one of my kids was struggling, and I was completely beside myself. One day, I inadvertently cut someone off in traffic and they honked and I burst into tears and now whenever someone on the road does something stupid I ask myself whether they, too, might be going through something, and try to give them a little grace.
Yeah, I tried that "putting myself in another person's place" thing...I do with the 5000-year-old drivers sometimes. I told my therapist that I was doing that, and she basically said that wasn't the point because then I'm projecting something on to them that might not be true (like maybe they're not really 5000 years old?). Basically it's the let's look at ourselves, what's the anger about? The things that trigger me are basically HUGE opportunities for self-examination, and really, in most cases have nothing to do with what's actually happening in real time for me. And, I'm glad that you were able to personalize your own experience and extend grace to others. I've been driving very calmly since I wrote this piece. That's a big win. LOVE to you, Irena! xo BTW, I love "nice turn signal, asshole!" That's me, in a nutshell. xo
Totally agree about the importance of self-examination (although it is SO much easier to focus on someone else’s failure to use their turn signal than on our own need for control, predictability, acknowledgment, etc….)
I love this -- the evolution of a driver. If only more drivers would learn to let go of road rage. Especially in Texas where it's extra terrifying because they're mostly in huge honking trucks. My philosophy is, "If you're in that much of a hurry, you go first. Because we're all going to get where we're going anyway and I don't need to be in a highway throwdown with you. "
Smart woman. And yes. All that rage, and what? You get to be first at the next red light? And then, we all get stuck behind a school bus making multiple stops. 😜xo
Too funny, Nan! The 'oh, shit!' handle is a godsend. I could relate to so much of this piece.
I like to think of myself as a good driver, but I've never driven in Manhattan. The Belt Parkway on the way to my in-laws' was enough to do me in.
Very early in our marriage, the spouse and I had reason to caravan to his parents' on Long Island. No GPS, and I didn't have the faintest idea where I was going, only that I was to stick close to the car ahead, driven by my beloved. Wouldn't you know that at a merge, when I refused to let a car zipper in front of me, the driver came in from behind, sped up to my left, and tried to run me off the road! Then hubby got into a road rage game of trying to even the score. Needless to say, I've made him to do the driving in New York ever since.
I'm a Southern girl at heart. I don't have what it takes to take on that kind of crazy. 🤪
I hear you, Elizabeth. Long Island is terrible. That's where I lived when I was a teenager. It wasn't bad when I was young, but now, ugh. People are aggressive, rude, self-important. And, gah! The Belt Parkway. Awful. You broke the merge rule. I wonder if anyone bothers to think that following someone is a thing. I hate that anxiety, thinking I'll lose my "escort" if I lose sight of them. But I also think it's the escort's responsibility to not lose the person who's following them. I spend WAY TOO much time thinking about things like this. XO.
In fairness to us, we let two cars go ahead of my husband to make up for not letting someone come between us. But I guess that driver didn’t notice or care.
Stories to tell. If Autumn is around, she insists on driving. She and Abby find me unsafe. I'm cautiously fast. Highway 17 here is steep and curvy. I used to travel back and forth three times a week and pride myself on breaking my own record. I drive off-peak hours, honestly, I think that practice made me a better driver, so much precision to take those curves with little room on either side.
Great story. I've slowed down immensely. Glad you did too.
I got my driver’s license when I was 30. I had to, because I had my daughter - not yet two - and lousy public transportation. A lot of reasons I didn’t get it when I was younger. But I was able to get around by bus and walking, for the most part. I’m a good, careful, safe driver who’s still terrified of parallel parking. Thank goddess for my backup camera and Subaru safety features. You would HATE to be in the passenger seat with me at the wheel. I drive like an old lady. But have never had a moving violation or even a parking ticket. Anyway. Love you! xo
You sure kept me chuckling with this one. I haven't driven in decades, mainly because I was the kind of hesitant, waffly driver who caused my husband to explode. He's given to shouting and what Dave Barry calls "helpful corrective gestures." We like to joke that after more than half a century of driving, he's still surprised to find assholes on the road. They come in many guises, and one of them is me.
"We like to joke that after more than half a century of driving, he's still surprised to find assholes on the road." Filing this one away for future reference. 😅
Loved the "land yacht" reference to the car you aced your driver's test. I too had such a car that I tested with: a 59 DeSoto - big fins in the back and push button transmission controls.
When someone is too close to my car's rear (I cannot see their head lamps), I put on my flashers. Usually makes them back off.
It's pretty funny to read this, really, but wow... it happens especially when you learn to drive somewhere like NYC. My partner learned that way, too. Maybe not always, but I ended up being the "hold the bar thing" person when someone else drives -- I much prefer to do the driving. I'm glad that you were able to get beyond your road rage, though the parallel parking skill is always good. It's ironic that here there are a bunch of new cameras that are doling out tickets all around the city for people doing 36 in a 25. Lol. A LOT of people are being forced to slow down, if nothing else.
I know, right? I was saying to Eileen today that a big part of how I got that way was because I learned to drive in NYC and was taught by a guy who had some crazy ideas. It made more aggressive than I think I might have been had I somewhere quieter. I think I would have made a great cabbie like my Uncle Walter. Yup, it runs in my family. But other side of all of this was my control stuff. And I really always preferred to be the one doing the driving. And yes! The cameras. Very helpful tool and very annoying at the same time! I'm a much better driver than I used to be. And I'm aging, so even though I know I have skills they're not as sharp as they used to be, so it's very important that I chill out a lot when I'm driving. And I'm really not in much of a hurry anymore. Thanks for reading, Amy. xo
Only you would have a driving teacher like Mr. Jeffrey - hysterical! My Arizona driving teacher was quiet spoken and respectful, but certainly not fun..!
Mr. Jeffrey wasn't really fun. He was so damn serious about that horn. But I convinced him to give me lessons off the books from US Auto School. He did better, and so did I. He was so tall, that he had to push his seat back. I practically had to look over my shoulder to see his face when I talked to him (at the lights!).
I learned in my thirties. My instructor was from The Model Driving School on 14th St. He called me with the results so I wouldn't have to wait.
Your driving and your cars are a thing! xoxo
Sure are. Especially the constant acquisition of makes and models (minis especially) over the years. Trying to stay in one car for longer than 4 minutes. But I really like them. I could have been a fabulous car salesperson, except that I hate car dealerships! xo
HaHa. Love that. You as car salesperson.
Hilarious, right? I'd be out of a job really fast, because I'm not a liar...xo
xoxo
So fun, and funny, to read your driving history, Nan. Learning to first drive in NYC: chutzpah indeed!
I'll say! Thanks for reading, Amy! xo
This was amazing, Nan. Funny, I’ve been thinking about writing about driving too. For years, I’ve said that the most reliable indicator of my overall emotional state is how I behave behind the wheel. When I slip into that impatience and anger, I know I’m not in a good place and need to check myself. It happened last week. I only wish there was a gauge on my dashboard that showed it to make it even more obvious.
Thanks, Chris. Yeah. Us. Bad people who want to do better! Nah, just kidding. Or am I? I think as long as we're paying attention and staying honest, we can use those little messages to get us on the right road (oy) to emotional sobriety. Or not. Double oy.
BTW, I LOVED your post last night. Color names has been a peeve of mine forever. What a bunch of misleading malarkey. Pantone is way to fond of itself, and then there's Behr, Benjamin Moore, and Glidden. Same goes for lipstick, nail color, rouge. I'm at a loss for other paint manufactures. They can all take their chip samples and shove them. I know what white looks like and so do you, my friend.
For any other readers perusing this comment, go read Chris's post. It's hilarious.
https://chrisstanton.substack.com/p/color-names-are-ridiculous
That’s exactly it—we have to keep paying attention. Because, in my case anyway, it’s going to keep happening. I just need to recognize it in the moment.
Thanks! I had a strong feeling you’d appreciate that piece! 😊
LOVED that piece. It was absolutely perfect. What a bunch of bozos in those industries. Yikes. Just think of what it might turn into when they replace all those terribly inaccurate namesters with bots. Done in a nanotrillionth of the time it would take a person to do it.
A "one nan band" haha. I would not have imagined this side of you. I am the sort of driver who'd piss you off. I'm slowish and people want me to speed up. It does enrage me when others tailgate and I tend to slow down further, which is a dangerous little game. They could go around, but it seems like a bullying behavior--they want me to move instead of them. Ohmygod so much psychology at work in driving...
Yes, it was hard for me to write this truth out loud, because of that. To admit my human, but lesser self. Yes, you might still piss me off IF you do things like drive 15mph on a 40mph road. And yes, I'd pass you, if possible, but I wouldn't tailgate you, because that snail pace means something isn't right! But there are times when I wish that people who drive well under the limit would just pull over to the shoulder and let other people pass! Gah! The things that go through my head on the road. But I'm much recovered. And I love to drive. And yes, the psychology of driving for me really boils down to fear of not being safe that then gets fueled by the need to always feel in control of all the things. And we can't be in control of all the things. Ever. xo
How do people driving slowly make you feel unsafe?
Driving isn't safe, period. Because you never know what you'll encounter. People who drive too slowly, under the speed limit (significantly) are given tickets for driving too slowly. It creates a hazard. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm hypervigilant on the road and that stems from all kinds of things. So my reactions are usually triggered by fear. Too slow, too fast, chaotic, weavers, all the things. And a lot people have no idea what the rules of the road are, much less a sense of etiquette and awareness of what's happening around them on the road. Driving is scary and serious. Obviously from the mouth of a reformed maniac. xo
You’re totally right on all of that. Cars are serious machines. And a lot of them are driven by very unserious people. And that’s putting it kindly.
We 5000 year old drivers just want you to be safe, darlin'.
I'm grateful for your concern, thank you, lovely. xo
Love this. My mother learned all her curse words driving with her Uncle Sammy, notoriously mild mannered everywhere but behind the wheel of a car. There's something about all that steel that makes us feel...invincible. I gave up my car for the same reason you tempered your temper, I didn't want to hurt anyone and while I'm not rageful behind the wheel I really, really resent folks who pull into the exit lane at the last minute, rather than inching along like the rest of us well behaved folks, as of their time is more valuable than mine. Well, buddy, it's not, but your car is. I always drive a piece of shit car, one that showed up with scratches and maybe a dent or two. A car you can clearly see will not mind sustaining more cosmetic damage, so, you with your shiny new whatever car? Just try and squeeze in because my car and I? We wear our scars with pride. Try me. Just try me. 🚘🤕
Yeah, try me, too! Right there with you. Towanda!
https://youtu.be/lx0z9FjxP-Y?si=Yo_VhguVCrNnGV7F
Love it now I have to see that movie, finally!
Maybe you should. Or, I can tell you that that clip is my favorite part of the movie. No, it's a sweet film, but that clip IS still my favorite. xo
I’m catching up. Finally read Stuart Little and LOVED it. It was just what I needed, a balm for today’s world.
Oh. That book. I'm so happy you read it. I just re-read it this summer. It's brilliant. Mr. Little is on my tattoo wishlist. xo
"She was a very nervous passenger. She was one of those riders who’d sit up front grasping the overhead handle with both hands as I drove, explaining apologetically that it was just the way she was, she did it with everyone."
That's me, Nan. I'm her. Drives my husband crazy ;-). This was great--a life lesson wrapped in the everyday, my favorite kinds of essays!
Thank you! That makes me so happy. Not that you're like my former girlfriend, but that you liked the essay. YAY! xo And she did eventually relax a bit as she learned she could trust my mindful driving. But there were still sudden gasps every now and then, and by "gasps" I mean crazy intakes of air mixed with screams that would startle the shit out of me. xo
Every word of this resonated. I, too, have a rage monologue (idiots! cretins! nice turn signal, asshole!) happening whenever I'm alone in the car, and although I'm not nearly as far along as you in letting go of my rage, I'd like to think I'm coming along in the compassion department. It started a few years back, when one of my kids was struggling, and I was completely beside myself. One day, I inadvertently cut someone off in traffic and they honked and I burst into tears and now whenever someone on the road does something stupid I ask myself whether they, too, might be going through something, and try to give them a little grace.
Yeah, I tried that "putting myself in another person's place" thing...I do with the 5000-year-old drivers sometimes. I told my therapist that I was doing that, and she basically said that wasn't the point because then I'm projecting something on to them that might not be true (like maybe they're not really 5000 years old?). Basically it's the let's look at ourselves, what's the anger about? The things that trigger me are basically HUGE opportunities for self-examination, and really, in most cases have nothing to do with what's actually happening in real time for me. And, I'm glad that you were able to personalize your own experience and extend grace to others. I've been driving very calmly since I wrote this piece. That's a big win. LOVE to you, Irena! xo BTW, I love "nice turn signal, asshole!" That's me, in a nutshell. xo
Totally agree about the importance of self-examination (although it is SO much easier to focus on someone else’s failure to use their turn signal than on our own need for control, predictability, acknowledgment, etc….)
Yeah. It's a pain in the ass, that self-examination thing...
The worst.
I love this -- the evolution of a driver. If only more drivers would learn to let go of road rage. Especially in Texas where it's extra terrifying because they're mostly in huge honking trucks. My philosophy is, "If you're in that much of a hurry, you go first. Because we're all going to get where we're going anyway and I don't need to be in a highway throwdown with you. "
Smart woman. And yes. All that rage, and what? You get to be first at the next red light? And then, we all get stuck behind a school bus making multiple stops. 😜xo
Too funny, Nan! The 'oh, shit!' handle is a godsend. I could relate to so much of this piece.
I like to think of myself as a good driver, but I've never driven in Manhattan. The Belt Parkway on the way to my in-laws' was enough to do me in.
Very early in our marriage, the spouse and I had reason to caravan to his parents' on Long Island. No GPS, and I didn't have the faintest idea where I was going, only that I was to stick close to the car ahead, driven by my beloved. Wouldn't you know that at a merge, when I refused to let a car zipper in front of me, the driver came in from behind, sped up to my left, and tried to run me off the road! Then hubby got into a road rage game of trying to even the score. Needless to say, I've made him to do the driving in New York ever since.
I'm a Southern girl at heart. I don't have what it takes to take on that kind of crazy. 🤪
I hear you, Elizabeth. Long Island is terrible. That's where I lived when I was a teenager. It wasn't bad when I was young, but now, ugh. People are aggressive, rude, self-important. And, gah! The Belt Parkway. Awful. You broke the merge rule. I wonder if anyone bothers to think that following someone is a thing. I hate that anxiety, thinking I'll lose my "escort" if I lose sight of them. But I also think it's the escort's responsibility to not lose the person who's following them. I spend WAY TOO much time thinking about things like this. XO.
In fairness to us, we let two cars go ahead of my husband to make up for not letting someone come between us. But I guess that driver didn’t notice or care.
I'll do the same thing if someone's following me, I'll pull over and wait for them. That other driver sucks. Glad I wasn't there.
Stories to tell. If Autumn is around, she insists on driving. She and Abby find me unsafe. I'm cautiously fast. Highway 17 here is steep and curvy. I used to travel back and forth three times a week and pride myself on breaking my own record. I drive off-peak hours, honestly, I think that practice made me a better driver, so much precision to take those curves with little room on either side.
Great story. I've slowed down immensely. Glad you did too.
I'm glad you slowed down too. It's easy to get into the pride part about precision and speed...until something terrible happens. xo
I got my driver’s license when I was 30. I had to, because I had my daughter - not yet two - and lousy public transportation. A lot of reasons I didn’t get it when I was younger. But I was able to get around by bus and walking, for the most part. I’m a good, careful, safe driver who’s still terrified of parallel parking. Thank goddess for my backup camera and Subaru safety features. You would HATE to be in the passenger seat with me at the wheel. I drive like an old lady. But have never had a moving violation or even a parking ticket. Anyway. Love you! xo
You sure kept me chuckling with this one. I haven't driven in decades, mainly because I was the kind of hesitant, waffly driver who caused my husband to explode. He's given to shouting and what Dave Barry calls "helpful corrective gestures." We like to joke that after more than half a century of driving, he's still surprised to find assholes on the road. They come in many guises, and one of them is me.
"We like to joke that after more than half a century of driving, he's still surprised to find assholes on the road." Filing this one away for future reference. 😅
Isn't it the best?
Oh! I'd like to meet Paul. He sounds like my kind of guy. Poky drivers. The worst. But I don't get angry anymore. I just take a deep breath, and...xo
Loved the "land yacht" reference to the car you aced your driver's test. I too had such a car that I tested with: a 59 DeSoto - big fins in the back and push button transmission controls.
When someone is too close to my car's rear (I cannot see their head lamps), I put on my flashers. Usually makes them back off.
And probably pisses them off! You go, girl! xo
It's pretty funny to read this, really, but wow... it happens especially when you learn to drive somewhere like NYC. My partner learned that way, too. Maybe not always, but I ended up being the "hold the bar thing" person when someone else drives -- I much prefer to do the driving. I'm glad that you were able to get beyond your road rage, though the parallel parking skill is always good. It's ironic that here there are a bunch of new cameras that are doling out tickets all around the city for people doing 36 in a 25. Lol. A LOT of people are being forced to slow down, if nothing else.
I know, right? I was saying to Eileen today that a big part of how I got that way was because I learned to drive in NYC and was taught by a guy who had some crazy ideas. It made more aggressive than I think I might have been had I somewhere quieter. I think I would have made a great cabbie like my Uncle Walter. Yup, it runs in my family. But other side of all of this was my control stuff. And I really always preferred to be the one doing the driving. And yes! The cameras. Very helpful tool and very annoying at the same time! I'm a much better driver than I used to be. And I'm aging, so even though I know I have skills they're not as sharp as they used to be, so it's very important that I chill out a lot when I'm driving. And I'm really not in much of a hurry anymore. Thanks for reading, Amy. xo
Only you would have a driving teacher like Mr. Jeffrey - hysterical! My Arizona driving teacher was quiet spoken and respectful, but certainly not fun..!
Mr. Jeffrey wasn't really fun. He was so damn serious about that horn. But I convinced him to give me lessons off the books from US Auto School. He did better, and so did I. He was so tall, that he had to push his seat back. I practically had to look over my shoulder to see his face when I talked to him (at the lights!).