Powerful, tender and moving. Good stuff here Nan. "It’s always been about what’s underneath. The pain, the fear, the self-loathing, the lack of connection to something greater than myself." 🌠
Thank you, Rhaine. The work in program is giving me a chance to look at what's underneath and comprehend it in another way not connected to what I think, but to what's core to my being: my heart and the higher self who resides with in, and can guide me to understand who I really I am.
Thank you, Nan. I feel like I've taken Step One a million times, maybe that weird fragment of reservation/fear of grief keeps me taking back control again and again. It seems to be about my inner 3-year-old who gets to a point where it feels too hard (to feel, to do, to show up, et al) and I use the "easy" fix of food vs moving through.
My favorite Star Trek character is Data, who can navigate the human world untouched most of the time. The ST:TNG episode where he understands that the memorial service of his friend is for the living, not for the dead, really got me. To feel or not to feel, that is the question...
Isn't to feel or not to feel ALWAYS the question? It is for me, or was, before I started this work and work with a therapist who specializes in C-PTSD. I like Data, too. I get it about that inner 3-year-old. She's got her own room in my house, and I'm taking good care of her, and learning to guide her and love her and tell her she's safe, and I've got her back, always. It's hard work some days, but I'll be damned if I give up. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I love getting feedback, and learning whether my writing, my stories are helpful to readers.
This is very moving, Nan. The discussion of grief hit home for me. At a stage in my life when I was depressed but not facing or feeling my grief, a therapist friend recommended Stephen Levine’s Healing Into Life and Death. The meditations there helped release the tears.
I’m so glad you’re on the road to recovery, Nan. I’m also in a 12-step program, so your struggle to admit powerlessness was all too familiar to me. What I didn’t know then that I know now is this: admitting powerlessness is a fucking power move.
I'm so glad to know that about you, Chris. It makes me like you even more than I already do. And yes, I love the way you put that. It IS a power move. My life has changed so much in the last year. All the promises seem to be coming true. Huzzah!
This is beautiful, Nan. I suffered from an eating disorder for many many years and it stole so much life from me. What you said about worrying you'd be buried under an avalanche of shame, guilt, etc. if you started feeling things rang so true for me. Of course we were already buried, otherwise we would've been able to look at the problem head-on long before we did. I'm glad you got the help you needed, even in an unexpected form.
Thanks, Melissa. It took a long time to get to a place where I could let help in. So glad I finally did. And there will always be work to do. I’m happy to know that there’s no “arrival “ just a sense of growing peace.
I appreciate you sharing your story and a closer look at step 1. I'm glad that you found the right group, too, so that when you reached the white flag point, it was met with open arms. This: "I was finally willing to admit that I couldn’t recover on my own. I had to let other people in. I had to learn to trust myself and others. I had to take a leap, be brave, show myself as I really am, and not wear the mask that I’ve used to hide myself from the world…and myself. To scream, to plead, to cry: I’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim!"
Thanks, Amy. I received beautiful, meaningful support in and out of program. Thank goodness I don’t have to do it alone anymore. Makes a huge difference to have a community behind me. xoxo
I love reading about your journey, Nan. Your words are always so tender and powerful. I also confess that when I saw the picture of Seven of Nine, I immediately clicked because I am a HUGE Jerri Ryan fan!
OH! That's so great to know. All of it. I've been second guessing that photo choice, and have been looking for another...because she really is clickbait for some...and may be a turn off for others. But I just couldn't kill that darling! xoxo Thanks for reading and commenting, Robin!
I've been able to fill in the __________________ with many a things.
I believe I found the underlying one, obsessing over perfection, but less and less.
I am so much more relaxed.
I see I needed to have some sense of control, some power, and I did not know how to get there until my heart broke open and I dropped into my body with all of its messiness.
It's a slow process... so tender
I love your writing, honesty - and I dipped a bit into Star Trek.
I loved the opportunity to escape to another out of this world place.
Actually very brilliant program and ahead of its time with the role of women in many episodes.
Love to you too, Prajna! And yes about the role of women in Star Trek. It's a very special group of series. Lots of inquiry and moral questions. And as to healing, and coming into one's own. It is a slow process, and I'm so grateful that I've arrived at this point in my process and can share it freely. xoxo
Step One. A two-parter. Admitted we were powerless over X and that our lives had become unmanageable. I knew I was powerless but it took more than five years to see the unmanageability that was so plainly obvious to complete strangers. I fought against surrender but kept hearing, "surrender is not defeat, it's a laying down of arms and crossing over to the winning side." That took almost seven years to penetrate my thick skull. In the beginning, I knew I was smarter than everyone else in the room, didn't need to work any steps, ask anyone for help. I could figure it out on my own. Except I couldn't and if I had been able to do that, I never would have wound up in "the rooms." I'da just been dead. That's what I could figure out. Figure it out, thank goodness, is not one of the steps.
-- "Maybe I was afraid of letting it go. The behaviors must have served me in some way." Exactly. Coping mechanisms that saved our lives, became ingrained, and almost impossible to shed even though the life we have now no longer requires them.
---The best thing about 12 step recovery is there is no timeline. If there was, I'd've been out on my ass. Love you long time🩵💙
I'm a Star Trek fan by marriage, so I don't call myself a trekkie, but I still love it. My husband is one (kids are now, too) and I don't often think to watch it on my own, but when it's put in front of me, I usually love it. Next Generation is my favorite. I just watched the new Picard series which was totally lame but also, I LOVED it, lol. I got into Enterprise (the series) back in the early 2000s. And I liked Discovery until Michael got whiny. I also love Strange New Worlds. Fav character? Impossible to say, but I really, really liked Seven-of-Nine in Picard. She's a badass. Also the new Pike is a hottie. So is new Nurse Chapel. And I never thought there could be another Spock, but now here he is. Perfection. Okay, I'm stopping now. Maybe I am a bit of a trekkie?
Ted Lasso is GOLD. But if you ever want a modern look at Star Trek, check out Strange New Worlds. It’s pre-original series. Very smartly done. And the Picard series which brings the Next Generation back together in their old age. It’s cute. Just season 3. 1 & 2 not needed. 😊
I think you might be a bit of a Trekkie, yeah. There maybe be an "STA" program (Star Trekkies Anonymous) for that. I've never heard of some of those shows. I did have a little lesbian thing for Jean-Luc, because please, Patrick Stewart. And what was the woman doctor's name, with the son? I liked her. And I did enjoy Deanna Troi. I never adored the original, though. I watched it but I didn't love it. I don't watch TV much anymore. I'm a hardcore Ted Lasso fan these days. I've watched that series at least 4 times so far. Because please, Hannah Waddingham and except for the too-furry chest, Brett Goldberg. And then there's Dr. Fieldstone the fabulous psychiatrist. That's the universe I occupy these days. xoxo
That white flag of surrender. Mine was when I surrendered certainty - or rather, the illusion of it. It’s so hard GET to that white flag, but when we do, that’s when we make the turn towards understanding. And get on the road to healing. Thank you for sharing, Nan. ❤️🩹
Thank you for sharing this incredibly personal journey, Nan! 💙 As you know, I've walked a step or twelve myself. 😉
Love you, Mr. Troy! xoxo
Powerful, tender and moving. Good stuff here Nan. "It’s always been about what’s underneath. The pain, the fear, the self-loathing, the lack of connection to something greater than myself." 🌠
Thank you, Rhaine. The work in program is giving me a chance to look at what's underneath and comprehend it in another way not connected to what I think, but to what's core to my being: my heart and the higher self who resides with in, and can guide me to understand who I really I am.
Thank you, Nan. I feel like I've taken Step One a million times, maybe that weird fragment of reservation/fear of grief keeps me taking back control again and again. It seems to be about my inner 3-year-old who gets to a point where it feels too hard (to feel, to do, to show up, et al) and I use the "easy" fix of food vs moving through.
My favorite Star Trek character is Data, who can navigate the human world untouched most of the time. The ST:TNG episode where he understands that the memorial service of his friend is for the living, not for the dead, really got me. To feel or not to feel, that is the question...
Isn't to feel or not to feel ALWAYS the question? It is for me, or was, before I started this work and work with a therapist who specializes in C-PTSD. I like Data, too. I get it about that inner 3-year-old. She's got her own room in my house, and I'm taking good care of her, and learning to guide her and love her and tell her she's safe, and I've got her back, always. It's hard work some days, but I'll be damned if I give up. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I love getting feedback, and learning whether my writing, my stories are helpful to readers.
Thanks, Nan. I appreciate reading about the recovery process of others.
This is very moving, Nan. The discussion of grief hit home for me. At a stage in my life when I was depressed but not facing or feeling my grief, a therapist friend recommended Stephen Levine’s Healing Into Life and Death. The meditations there helped release the tears.
Thanks Meryl. The book you mentioned is a great one. I have read it! xoxo
The feeling is mutual, Nan. And I’m really happy that the promises are coming true for you—that’s awesome!
I’m so glad you’re on the road to recovery, Nan. I’m also in a 12-step program, so your struggle to admit powerlessness was all too familiar to me. What I didn’t know then that I know now is this: admitting powerlessness is a fucking power move.
I'm so glad to know that about you, Chris. It makes me like you even more than I already do. And yes, I love the way you put that. It IS a power move. My life has changed so much in the last year. All the promises seem to be coming true. Huzzah!
This is beautiful, Nan. I suffered from an eating disorder for many many years and it stole so much life from me. What you said about worrying you'd be buried under an avalanche of shame, guilt, etc. if you started feeling things rang so true for me. Of course we were already buried, otherwise we would've been able to look at the problem head-on long before we did. I'm glad you got the help you needed, even in an unexpected form.
Thanks, Melissa. It took a long time to get to a place where I could let help in. So glad I finally did. And there will always be work to do. I’m happy to know that there’s no “arrival “ just a sense of growing peace.
So true. And I think the journey can actually be quite enjoyable as we learn to surrender more and more.
I agree. This has been the best year of my 63 years on this planet, I owe so much of my joy to program and the people I now call friends/family.
I appreciate you sharing your story and a closer look at step 1. I'm glad that you found the right group, too, so that when you reached the white flag point, it was met with open arms. This: "I was finally willing to admit that I couldn’t recover on my own. I had to let other people in. I had to learn to trust myself and others. I had to take a leap, be brave, show myself as I really am, and not wear the mask that I’ve used to hide myself from the world…and myself. To scream, to plead, to cry: I’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim!"
Thanks, Amy. I received beautiful, meaningful support in and out of program. Thank goodness I don’t have to do it alone anymore. Makes a huge difference to have a community behind me. xoxo
This was really powerful! Surrendering and giving up the illusion of control is so hard.
Thank you, Sandra! It is hard, but once you get there the rest starts to fall into place, at least for me.
Another home run, Nan. ‘Powerless over my addiction…’ Headed to the world conference of NA in Washington DC right now! 🩷🩷
Thanks, Billie! I'm planning on writing at least one essay on each step. I hope the conference is wonderful. Sending love and travel safely! xoxo
I love reading about your journey, Nan. Your words are always so tender and powerful. I also confess that when I saw the picture of Seven of Nine, I immediately clicked because I am a HUGE Jerri Ryan fan!
OH! That's so great to know. All of it. I've been second guessing that photo choice, and have been looking for another...because she really is clickbait for some...and may be a turn off for others. But I just couldn't kill that darling! xoxo Thanks for reading and commenting, Robin!
Hey Nan, I love this.
I've been able to fill in the __________________ with many a things.
I believe I found the underlying one, obsessing over perfection, but less and less.
I am so much more relaxed.
I see I needed to have some sense of control, some power, and I did not know how to get there until my heart broke open and I dropped into my body with all of its messiness.
It's a slow process... so tender
I love your writing, honesty - and I dipped a bit into Star Trek.
I loved the opportunity to escape to another out of this world place.
Actually very brilliant program and ahead of its time with the role of women in many episodes.
Love to you
Love to you too, Prajna! And yes about the role of women in Star Trek. It's a very special group of series. Lots of inquiry and moral questions. And as to healing, and coming into one's own. It is a slow process, and I'm so grateful that I've arrived at this point in my process and can share it freely. xoxo
Step One. A two-parter. Admitted we were powerless over X and that our lives had become unmanageable. I knew I was powerless but it took more than five years to see the unmanageability that was so plainly obvious to complete strangers. I fought against surrender but kept hearing, "surrender is not defeat, it's a laying down of arms and crossing over to the winning side." That took almost seven years to penetrate my thick skull. In the beginning, I knew I was smarter than everyone else in the room, didn't need to work any steps, ask anyone for help. I could figure it out on my own. Except I couldn't and if I had been able to do that, I never would have wound up in "the rooms." I'da just been dead. That's what I could figure out. Figure it out, thank goodness, is not one of the steps.
-- "Maybe I was afraid of letting it go. The behaviors must have served me in some way." Exactly. Coping mechanisms that saved our lives, became ingrained, and almost impossible to shed even though the life we have now no longer requires them.
---The best thing about 12 step recovery is there is no timeline. If there was, I'd've been out on my ass. Love you long time🩵💙
PS. But I never gave up Star Trek!! 😂
Ha! Do you have a favorite show or character?
I'm a Star Trek fan by marriage, so I don't call myself a trekkie, but I still love it. My husband is one (kids are now, too) and I don't often think to watch it on my own, but when it's put in front of me, I usually love it. Next Generation is my favorite. I just watched the new Picard series which was totally lame but also, I LOVED it, lol. I got into Enterprise (the series) back in the early 2000s. And I liked Discovery until Michael got whiny. I also love Strange New Worlds. Fav character? Impossible to say, but I really, really liked Seven-of-Nine in Picard. She's a badass. Also the new Pike is a hottie. So is new Nurse Chapel. And I never thought there could be another Spock, but now here he is. Perfection. Okay, I'm stopping now. Maybe I am a bit of a trekkie?
Can’t go wrong with more Ted!!
Ever!
Ted Lasso is GOLD. But if you ever want a modern look at Star Trek, check out Strange New Worlds. It’s pre-original series. Very smartly done. And the Picard series which brings the Next Generation back together in their old age. It’s cute. Just season 3. 1 & 2 not needed. 😊
Thanks for the pointers. My girlfriend loved Picard. I’m rewatching Ted again. Can’t get enough. xoxo
I think you might be a bit of a Trekkie, yeah. There maybe be an "STA" program (Star Trekkies Anonymous) for that. I've never heard of some of those shows. I did have a little lesbian thing for Jean-Luc, because please, Patrick Stewart. And what was the woman doctor's name, with the son? I liked her. And I did enjoy Deanna Troi. I never adored the original, though. I watched it but I didn't love it. I don't watch TV much anymore. I'm a hardcore Ted Lasso fan these days. I've watched that series at least 4 times so far. Because please, Hannah Waddingham and except for the too-furry chest, Brett Goldberg. And then there's Dr. Fieldstone the fabulous psychiatrist. That's the universe I occupy these days. xoxo
That white flag of surrender. Mine was when I surrendered certainty - or rather, the illusion of it. It’s so hard GET to that white flag, but when we do, that’s when we make the turn towards understanding. And get on the road to healing. Thank you for sharing, Nan. ❤️🩹
Lovely comment, Paulla. Thank you. I’m glad you understand. xoxo