94 Comments
User's avatar
According to Mimi's avatar

I feel so connected to this story. My husband's maternal grandmother wore an Estee Lauder scent (cannot remember which one), and she always smelled so nice. We bought her a set with powder and lotion for her ninetieth birthday. When she passed a few months later, her daughters gave it back to us. We still have it stored away in my husband's closet. If I try hard enough, I can smell it when I go in to hang up his laundry.

For years, my personal scent was Elizabeth Taylor's passion. At some point, I developed a sensitivity to strong smells, so I stopped wearing it. It was a sad day when I threw away my final bottle.

Love this work. Thank you!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

You’re a completely lovely person. It’s not all about her but there’s a bit of wordplay and I think you might enjoy that. See you soon!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, Mimi. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Scents are such a strong link to connection with loved ones. When my dad died, I brought his half-full bottle of Lagerfeld home with me, so when I was missing him or was in a place of deep grief, especially in the beginning, I could uncap the bottle, and let his scent waft up, or even dab a tiny bit on my pulse points. That scent was him. I found great comfort in it. Thanks for sharing that with me. Next week's post is about the significance of the name Meme (the way I spelled my grandmother's love name). I think you'll enjoy it. It's playful AND serious, and speaks to many issues of today. Sending a hug of gratitude. xo

Expand full comment
According to Mimi's avatar

What a lovely idea. I never thought of that. It's a sweet memory. I am looking forward to hearing about Meme! I'm trying so hard to catch up on my reading, but I will put it all aside to read this next post.

Expand full comment
Nancy Jainchill's avatar

i think i did temp work in the office for a stint. face code more relaxed, do you have any pics from era?

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I may....I have one I'm thinking of, but I probably have some other glam shots from the anorexic era...xo

Expand full comment
Alisa Kennedy Jones's avatar

This is chef’s kiss "m'wah" 💋 ... equal parts Calyx and catharsis. I could practically smell the ’80s wafting off the page. Also, “Atrocious Red” absolutely needs to be either a Dolly Parton anthem or the title of a bestselling collection of comedic essays. Just saying. 😂

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I'm thrilled you enjoyed! The only left out? Shoulder pads. I was an early adopter. xo

...And peplums but I'd really rather not discuss that, ever.

Expand full comment
Michele Peters's avatar

Ah, I love this, Nan.

And, you have named much of what I have done in my life:

"Throughout my life, I’ve been a bit of a shapeshifter. My recovery friends would call it codependence. My exes would label me a chameleon, and not in a lovey-dovey pet name kind of way. What I’m trying to say is that when I sign on to something, I immerse myself completely. I was an actress who could play any role."

Mine? For survival, I think. Better to fit in than to be noticed or stand out. It has taken me until my 50's to feel safe enough to fully be me.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Always for survival. To stay safe, to find love, to feel desirable. We had no idea that we didn’t need to give ourselves away to find relationships that most likely would never work. xo

Expand full comment
Lucy Conway's avatar

Great read Nan, of course. My mum wore a bit of lipstick, maybe some powder, I’m not sure because she never taught me to. I remember going to a party when I was a teenager and suddenly all my classmates were wearing makeup. I had somehow missed the memo. I wore eyeliner at my wedding, that’s about it. The last time I applied makeup it was to my mum in her coffin because the yellow pallor was too similar to everything, so we put a bit of lippy on and some Thin Lizzy powder and she looked much more natural for lying in state.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thank you for reading and commenting, Lucy. A little lipstick can really brighten up a face. I'm glad to know you sent your mum off in style. xo

Expand full comment
Lucy Conway's avatar

Yes it looked good, her lips looked weird when they were the same colour as her skin. I’ve never worn it myself, except when I was in a play as a kid. It looked hideous. Do you remember the Waltons episode when Mary-Ellen tried? I looked like that. Never wore it again.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I DO remember that episode! I loved that show. They were a very natural and healthy looking family. Good for you! I don't miss it at all. If I go to a big event like a wedding or something very fancy, I will wear some makeup, but it makes me feel self-conscious, not about the way I look, per se, but I touch my face a lot, and I'm of the age where my lipstick bleeds a bit and then I'm always checking to see if it looks perfect. That's way too much self-involvement and craziness! xo

Expand full comment
Rona Maynard's avatar

Nan, there are many sides to you and to this piece. You had me primed for a romp but a thread of melancholy runs through your words and tightens at the unexpectedly poignant conclusion. At this terrifying moment in history, your Lady Liberty costume made me catch my breath. I don’t know if you were aware of the resonance as you wrote, but it hums between the lines. Can you tell I loved this?

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I'm so glad to hear your response to this piece. I was hoping someone would pick it up. I even found an image that I forgot to put into the essay. An illustration of the Lady applying lipstick. I'm am absolutely thrilled that you loved it. I was worried that you would think it was a mess because I wandered so much. But I had a blast writing it. I hope you're continuing to enjoy your trip.

And yes, I do worry about what you think! xo

Expand full comment
Liza Debevec's avatar

I am only 1/3 into the audio/video and you said something that makes me think we cannot be friends any more. When I was 15 years old (in late 1980s) I thought Calyx by Prescriptives (which I would prounounce with a French accent- Cah-lyx by Preh scrip - tiv...) was the epitemy of sophistication.

Just kidding, I am still a fan and a friend, but it is hilarious that you thought was obnoxious, while I really loved that scent. And searched for it for years after that first time.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Isn't that the way? We're all so different. I also can't tolerate lavender...does that dig the hole deeper for you and me going forward? I'm sorry you haven't been able to find it. Or am I?

Part 2: I just did a search online, and apparently, when Prescriptives died, the fragrance was "purchased" (in quotes because it's all Lauder) by Clinique. So, if you have access to that brand, you may be able to start wearing it again. But then you'd forfeit the possibility of ever hugging me should we meet in person. So, maybe if that fabulous day comes to pass, you'd abstain temporarily? xoxo

Expand full comment
Liza Debevec's avatar

I guess we did a little search at the same time :-) These days I wear eau de pamplemousse by Hermes… still agrapefruit scent… but I can easily forgo perfume on that spectacular day when I meet you in person- cause I do love a good hug.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Yay! Like-minded women, except on certain things. I'm glad about your appreciation of hugs. I'm really good at it.

Expand full comment
Liza Debevec's avatar

😱 No lavender? By the way, I just found out Calyx is back, and it is now called Clinique Calyx. I know what I won't buy you for Hanukkah.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thank you for not getting it for me for Hanukkah. You are a truly thoughtful friend, my dear. xo

Expand full comment
Elizabeth Beggins's avatar

Nan, this took me on a whole journey—from the mezzanine of Macy’s to the parade route to a late-in-life full circle with the Lauder family legacy. I was laughing at “Atrocious Red” and cringing at the perfume spritz assignments, but then the ending caught me off guard—in the best way. You write memory like a seasoned performer who knows exactly when to turn up the lights and when to go quiet.

Also: the mime years?? The French-tipped camouflage?? The Lady Liberty float with the tragic pantsuit?? This is the good kind of shapeshifting where the story slips genres but still sticks the landing. Thank you for letting us tag along with your younger self, mascara wand in hand.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Oh. My. Thank. You. I enjoyed writing this essay in a way that I haven't experienced before. Going in with an intention and surrendering to something completely different happening to the piece was exciting. Trusting the muse? I think I really did let go as I wrote. I worried about wandering around so much in this story, but sometimes...life looks just like that. I did wander. And I did wonder. And here I am doing the thing that I was meant to do...when I got to this place in time. I am a pretty grateful person, every day, lately. You made me laugh out loud at "tragic pantsuit!" You have no idea. xo

Expand full comment
Elizabeth Beggins's avatar

It's nice to be able to laugh at "tragic" for a change, given how much of our human experience right now is the other kind. Here's to finding light on whatever circuitous path we take.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Awomen to that! I've got my shades on ready for that light.

Expand full comment
Sallyfish's avatar

Oh Nan I have missed hearing your stories. This Substack subscription has brought me closer to sweet memories of them. 💛

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Oh! SF. I love you so much. Always. xo

Expand full comment
Eileen Vorbach Collins's avatar

I was listening as I waited to get my infusion. When the nurse interupted, I wanted to say, "Not now, Hon, I'm listening to Nan tell a story."

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I'm going to name my first child after you. Girl or boy. Doesn't matter. I'm yours forever. xo

Expand full comment
Kim Van Bruggen's avatar

I love listening to you while I’m making my lunch. I set you up on my counter and pretend we’re having a great chat together and you are regaling me with your stories. (Which you do so well.) Xo

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

OMG. I love that. Nan and food! Perfect combination. (Guffaw). Love you, cookie. Talk soon? I have to read your new post, haven't gotten there yet. 10 days of Jewish holidays has set me back and I'm catching up! xo

Expand full comment
Kim Van Bruggen's avatar

I'm about 6 months behind, so no worries. Happy Jewish holiday!! Shanah Tovah. (I googled that, so hopefully I got the right one.) I'll ping you by text and we can connect soon.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

You did good, kid. You got the right one. Rosh Hashanah starts it off, and we finish with a bang today, Yom Kippur. xo And soon, I'll get to eat. xo

Expand full comment
Kim Van Bruggen's avatar

Well technically you just had lunch with me. You just didn’t know it! 😂

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I know! xo

Expand full comment
Wendy Wolf's avatar

I used to go way out of my way to avoid the perfume spritzers in stores. I used to wear Clinique, too! But then I became vegan and it wasn't cruelty free and (boo) I had to give it up. Nothing I ever tried was quite as good. I don't wear any now, and it's a relief. Would love to see some pix from your glam days...

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I only use cruelty-free products now for self-care. The only line of skincare prods I'm aware of that's high quality and vegan is Aveda. But I don't think they do cosmetics. When I get a minute, I'll see if there's any evidence remaining of my feminista past! xo

Expand full comment
Rhaine Della Bosca's avatar

I love this Nan!! So very cool! xx

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, Rhaine! xo

Expand full comment
Amy Cowen's avatar

What a story! So hard to fathom that Audacious Red would be better than platinum blonde! You have quite the history of celebrity run-ins.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

It's just a name, that I thought was fabulous. It was actually a pretty natural looking red on the darker side, not carroty at all...and my mother and her husband thought they were SOOOOOOOOO funny. Anything for a laugh in that house. Ick. I wasn't a redhead for very long. A chameleon is always changing colors, right? xo

Expand full comment
Amy Cowen's avatar

I was a redhead for many, many years!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Really? Natural or Lady Clairol?

Expand full comment
Paulette Bodeman's avatar

I love these peeks into your life, Nan! The clip of Passion with Elizabeth Taylor is a look back at the roles we women were supposed to take on. Exhausting.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Frightening, isn't it? Gah. I can't believe there are women who still take on those roles, as if it was a good thing. Different strokes, I suppose! xo

Expand full comment
Paulette Bodeman's avatar

Yes, it is. Especially because I too bought into taking on those roles for a while.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

It's hard not to, when they are modeled for us as desirable, and expected of us by the culture. Thank goodness it changed, and yet, here we are again, needing to fight for what rights we did gain. WTF???

Expand full comment
Paulette Bodeman's avatar

It's crazy making!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

It certainly is. xo

Expand full comment
Eileen Dougharty's avatar

I now refer to doing my hair and makeup as being in drag. Only on occasion and mostly when required (aka work). I would love to see a pic of Atrocious Red, I'm sure you looked like a bad ass. Those were the days. ❤️

ps there's a special place in hell for the fragrance spritzers. Thank gawd you escaped!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

It really wasn't atrocious at all. It was actually a very natural deep red. I think I have one or two photos somewhere. If I find them, I'll send one your way. And yes. Fuck the spritzers. Disgusting job. I think of hair and makeup as drag too, but it's not even good drag! xo

Expand full comment