I have been conditioned to cry when I am angry, because I was taught from a young age that my anger and rage were unacceptable. I was taught that raising my voice and expressing my anger was "crazy". And I turned it on myself, as so many of us have, and that turns into tears. That rage and frustration has to come out somewhere.
I am getting better at it. But I am still very much learning.
I'm glad you're on the learning bus. We have to come into our power and confidence about passionately expressing ourselves without apology. I've been watching you, Kari. I think you're doing a bang-up job on these pages. XO!
Nan, you’ve touched on every woman’s deeply ingrained fear that female rage is unacceptable. I carry both the rage and the fear. The old truism—“Depression is anger turned inward”—springs to life in this piece. By the way, I much prefer “Put Up Your Dukes.” It’s a call to action and piques curiosity.
Hi Rona, And yes, I understand why you like the first title better. i do too for all the same reasons. It's an invitation. I switched it out of a desire to attract more readers, because I think it's an important piece and I'd like a lot of people to read it. It wasn't getting much response yesterday. So I did something I've not done before; I chose the more click-baity title. But there was another aspect. One of confronting my fear about saying something so blatant. I looked inside and knew that I was on the fence about the title before I pushed "publish." So I was challenging my bravery AND doing an experiment. And double yes to the truism about anger and depression. I got more than a helping's worth of that. I want women to get angry. I want women to stop mutilating themselves becasue of the need to attract the male gaze, and the fear of disappearing if they're not viewed as young and pretty and malleable. We need to say no more. And we need to do it unapologetically. xo
When I see the words “orange menace,” I expect the expected—and shut down. The new title packs more heat in the moment, I guess, but the original one has staying power.
No. Readers like a confident writer. The time to change it back is when you revisit the piece and “orange menace” has lost its buzz. In general, I dislike clubbish titles that make assumptions about who the reader is and what she believes.
I just changed it last night. No one will even notice. I'm pretty confident most of the time, don't you think? But at the same time, I still think I'm pretty knew at all of this. xo
Well done, you, for letting Mark lead you toward a solution. That's really amazing!
My rage almost always surfaces as tears. I think it's because what's beneath it is really fear. Fear of losing what's precious to me. Fear of losing control.
I know women who scream rather than hit. They find that to be the kind of catharsis they need. I cry. I write. Sometimes I write so hard I tear the page. I let my tears mix with my anger. I defend myself, audibly. I name all that's wrong in the moment. I take it outside.
I don't know if you've seen this, or if it's too soon to come in with a bit of humor, but this is one reason I worry about screaming. Well, sort of. 😅
I thought he was nekkid. But shouldn't she have screamed after she saw that? Not in preparation? Or maybe we're supposed to intuit that that's why she screamed. You'll have to forgive me. I'm not very bright! xo
Oh, you’re bright. It’s not obvious I guess. She went into the woods to “scream it out” (whatever it was that made her want to shriek) and ended up freaking out a guy she hadn’t seen, who was there already, minding his own…um…business. .
I know I am! I'm sorry about my lack of laughter. See, but this is an example of how much I've grown as a human. Instead of faking it and agreeing, I exposed my confusion and was only a little nervous about appearing completely obtuse. Nan for the win! Love to you, EB! xo
Thanks, Elizabeth. I hear that about the tears. I'm sure fear lies beneath my reactions too.
When it's distilled to it's purest explanation, and using my wise therapist's assessment: there are two things: Love and Fear, and all of our other emotions/reactions are born of one or the other. When I put it through my own testing methods, I think she's right. I get it about defending myself and my position audibly. I do that, too. I'm going to check out your video now. And I'll be back with my response.
I bet you slept great that night! Can we get a punching bag for every woman and honorary man in this country? And while you’re right, it won’t solve the bigger Cheeto faced problem, I want to believe our uprising of energy, free and untamed, is a lasting and revolt that eventually erodes at his tyranny.
Awomen to that. That night, I went to a sporting goods store and bought my own heavy bag and gloves. Hung it in my garage and had at it pretty regularly for a while.
Did you ever realize that the word "lover" can be found in the word "revolution?" I think about that all the time. xo
Frustration is about the only time I cry, and I’ve felt that salt water facial just behind my eyes more days than I can count this year. Hitting things helps. Showing up for my kid helps. And reading your honest words crafted into a bedtime story of belonging helps. Love you friend.
Way to go, Mark! And you! While, true, it won't solve the larger problems, I think we could all do with a pair of gloves and something to hit, truly. I think it probably is a mental catalyst and clearing of the head that can be helpful.
It definitely is. We're moving some chemicals around for sure. Mark's awesome. I may go back and work with him again, because I'm just dying to do burpees and ropes again. xo
I have to say, I do not agree with the ones telling you that tears are not an appropriate response to anger. There's no one way to feel mad. Tears are almost always healing or cathartic or at least cleansing in some way. I say let them spill however/whenever they come.
I hear what you're saying and don't disagree. But what they were trying to say to me, I think, was that I needed to get more honest about the anger I had locked up inside for my whole life. You know what? I wish men had more access to their tears, their vulnerability. They're busy defending, acting tough, and we're smoothing things over, and are acting afraid to assert ourselves for fear we'll be called bitches, cunts and oh no...dykes! Well. I'm already a dyke so if someone calls me that, I say, "why yes, yes, that's right, I am." But I haven't been willing to be bold enough to be proud of being called a bitch or a cunt for just being outspoken and fearless. WHY should we get called names for representing for ourselves? Call me whatever you want, I'm not hiding anymore. I like my tears a lot. But I want to flow when I'm moved, when I'm sad, when I'm grieving. I don't want to cry out of frustration or fear of saying how I really feel. That's what they were trying to get me to see. And I'm grateful for that. xo
Great post, Nan. I think we all should invest in boxing gloves and a bag to punch. I’m glad you found a way to get those feelings out of you because they do us no good at all if we store them inside. Also, I think your plan of doing something good for others in the way you are raising some money is a great plan also. It is a positive response to all the hardship we see around us. I wish I could help but my donations right now are going to my own family members who are struggling. Blessings to you. Hugs too.
Thanks, Sally! It was a great outlet, and I boxed for awhile. After Mark got me started, that was all I wanted to do...I even joined a kick-boxing gym but it was way too hard. And I didn't want to kick things. I just wanted to punch them. And good for you for helping your family. I'm not a woman of means by any stretch, but whatever I can do, I do. Because there are people out there who would think I'm living a very comfortable life compared to their circumstances. And in truth, I don't have a lot, but I have what I need. At least right now! I like helping. Cheers! xo
I saw! Thank you. You're the first one to donate to the cause. I'm so appreciative. I have a whole bunch of meals that I'll be delivering to one of the blue fridges that are scattered in Kingston for people who are new to food insecurity and still feel uncomfortable asking for help. It's a way to feed people without a face to face meeting. I love it. I've been putting food in those fridges for at least a couple of years. Thank you, again. It's a very tender time for many, as you know. xo
Nan, for years I had the opposite problem. I got really really angry, but I could never cry. Now, I've allowed myself to feel all my emotions, not just anger. And I'm in perimenopause, so the tears just seem to flow all the time now, even when I don't want them to. I get swept up in music or something I read or watch. I went to the Planned Parenthood of Greater Texas gala a few weeks ago and was seated next to the main speaker of the event, a woman who had been forced to give birth to a baby girl she knew was not going to survive. The minute she took the stage and started telling her story, I started weeping and didn't stop until after she was sitting beside me again. I'm sure everyone was holding back tears, but I was balling. These are new things for me, but they're also good for me. For too many years, I held it all in.
Crying is an absolutely beautiful thing, and I'm glad you're able to access the feeling and you're able to express it. And your response at the Planned Parenthood event was an appropriate one in my opinion. We have to cry about those things, but I think anger is a completely acceptable and NEEDED response. What's going on is reprehensible. We have to use our writing, our words to wake people up. To mobilize, to fight and right the wrongs. Sending you a big hug, Koeter! xo
So well said, Nan. I've been thinking a lot about female anger vs politeness. But I agree a punchbag only helps so much and in the moment. (I have nephews who'd disagree, mind you; they find it really good for their mental health.) I'd rather use my brain.
I'd like to do both, actually. Boxing is awesome for me, as long as it's with a heavy bag or a speed bag. Or a sparring partner who's wearing pads, so I can hit them. But I'll never step into a ring and engage in a match. Nope. I love using my brain. I haven't boxed in about 7 or 8 years. I'm considering revisiting it. xo
My long dead therapist once told me to go straight to the beach and scream out into the ocean. I too was masking my anger and rage that came from a place I didn't fully understand at the time. I thought he was kidding, but nope. He said, "this is your homework. Go out and do this and report back to me next week."
I drove to the waterfront, trying to find a spot that was deserted with not very many houses nearby. I didn't want anyone calling the cops on the crazy woman screaming out into the sea. That's all I needed!
I was tentative at first, embarrassed. "This is so stupid" script running through my head. But, I kept going. I don't know that I ever fully let 'r rip, but I gave it my best shot. And no one called the police. So, that's a win. Funny thing about being by the water--screaming... the ocean and wind tend to carry the sound away. I just realized it might be time to go find another empty beach and scream into the wind. With a bit more gusto this time!
Thanks for having breakfast with me this morning. :) xo
Love you sweetie! I'm ready to add screaming to my list on a more regular basis. I don't do it at home because I'd terrify my dog Maisy. But I do it in my car sometimes when I'm alone. It's truly awesome. Let's Zoom soon? Oh, and what did we have for breakfast? xoxo
Indeed. The car really rocks for crying, screaming and singing at the top of my lungs.
It's obvious by your menu that you are indeed a shikse. And that's fine. But you will never, ever see this Jew put blackberry jam or any other kind of sweet jelly or jam on a bagel and cream cheese. Please don't tell me the bagels were cinnamon raisin or or feh, blueberry swirl. Bagels are the perfect go-with for fishy toppings, onions, cream cheese (sans sweet mix-ins) and slices of summer-ripe tomatoes. OH and chopped liver! That was my favorite before I stopped eating meat. I'm what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew." Yup, yup, yup, yup. I think I'm tired and need to get some sleep! I'm on a ramble...xo
😂 Ok ok!! To be specific...one side of the bagel just had cream cheese. The other one had butter and jam because I was needing something sweet this morning. So, maybe just half shikse? My go to has been bagel, cream cheese with my fresh garden tomatoes w/salt and pepper. Yum. I only have a few of my tomatoes left though. Then it's back to tasteless store bought. Hope that makes you somewhat less grossed out! lol. xo
Separate is much better. And butter and jam are perfect together. So yes, Bagel, cream cheese, tomato and salt and pepper. Absolutely. You have scored some Jewish points. Have you ever had a REAL bagel from NYC? xo
OMG, Nan. I loved this. So insightful. Did you say you weren't good at pretending? Sheesh. Imagination isn't pretending. It's a force. Everything is created first in imagination. Cue Sponge Bob making the overhead rainbow: Imagination... Besides, as I've said before. You'd make a great actress/performer/singer.
The fucking Ms. Manners and Emily of that day are the trad-wife influencers of today. That shit didn't go anywhere but viral. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, the enforcers of a mythology that does not serve us at all. It's an unconscious strategy. We all want to be loved. We all want to belong. Many of us have been taught to direct the bad feelings inward and destroy ourselves rather than fight back. As a die-in-the-wool tomboy with three brothers and no sisters, I've always hated the word: Ladylike. And the lady chores I got to do, which dwarfed mowing the lawn (fun) or taking out the trash (five minutes, tops).
Also, we are born with a structure to our ego, one that embraces or rejects anger. We didn't create that. That's innate. Anger is a main feature of my ego. It's a surface-level emotion I'm quite happy expressing. It keeps me out of the fearsome emotions like helplessness. So, I have to be still to dive under my first response, just as you must to reach your anger. That's an unconscious strategy, too. It's also the work. So, I celebrate your anger even as I learn to be still with mine so I can become acquainted with helplessness and learn it won't kill me to feel that. I'll trade you. Or I'll give you some of mine if you give me some of yours...
I'm up for trading, AND giving each other some wise lessons in accessing the feelings that are uncomfortable for each of us. I love this, "You'd make a great actress/performer/singer." THANK YOU, lovey. I'm enjoying playing with those parts of me so much. I didn't know the piece about being born with ego that we don't learn. That's fascinating and I'd love to discuss it the next time we speak. Learning that it's okay to express my anger in an appropriate direction and with purpose is enormous for me. I've been angry for a very long time. But I really just harmed myself and my relationships because I didn't know or understand how to channel it properly. There's a lot of freedom in doing so. Love you, pal. Let's be un-ladylike together! xo
I had a real AHA moment when I heard the words "Depression is anger turned inwards." So true. I'm glad you listened to your trio of rowdy angels that helped you to be less polite. You are now a rowdy angel for others. ❤️
ps I would rather be waterboarded than do burpees. For serious.
I love the role of rowdy angel...I wish I knew someone who could make a t-shirt for me that says that. Oh, wait. Yes, I do know someone. I wonder if she's busy??? xo
Miss Manners and Emily Post spoke to those from far different time. Thankfully, Gloria Steinem, Angela Davis, and Bella Abzug were among those ushering in very different and welcome way of being. And no matter what, it's always OK to cry when needed. 💕
Except they're speaking to those "ladies" who are now freely giving up their bodily autonomy and other freedoms, don't have a true read on the horrors that men want for women (not all men, of course) and there are far too many men who would like to put us right back to that far different time. Cathy, there are men spinning this yarn, that the vote should be taken away from women. This isn't a reference to something that's fallen out of fashion...those gentleladies are spearheading a whole different mentality. They are not gone and sadly not forgotten. I'm not going back. No way, no how, EVER. EVER. EVER.
I am very aware of this horrible view and am totally shocked that there are women buying into it. I did not equate that with how I remembered Miss Manners and Emily Post, but I don't stand by my memory. I fully agree with you - I will never go back, as well.
YAY! I used Miss Manners and Emily Post because I couldn't bear to use Phyllis Schlafly...also because Schlafly was a poseur as far as I'm concerned. xo
YES, but she was a manipulative horrible woman. I didn't want to bring that to the space. I had her in there at first, but I didn't want her smarmy brand of cruelty in the vibe of this post. Orange Monster was enough. xo
I feel what you’re saying about anger in my body, because - like you - I have those voices chastising me for even thinking about showing anger. And while I am mostly a peacemaker who is committed to justice, balance, and compromise (I am a Libra, after all), there are moments when I would like to embody the rage of the Valkyrie or a wronged goddess or a mama bear. I am not really a turn-the-other-cheek kind of girl in circumstances when the opponent has no morals or ethics to speak of.
I may have to go watch Wonder Woman again. It’s been a while. 😆
I hear you, Jamie. And yes. But their weapons aren't ours, necessarily. Wonder Woman sounds like a great idea. Am I a turn-the-other-cheek kind of girl? Not sure. I do get angry at all the injustice and cruelty. I say no to all of that...but right now, the only thing I've got are my morals/ethics. And I think there are other ways to fight, including not letting them steal our joy, our resolve, and to not give in to the fear they want to instill. Fuck that. Bullies want us to be terrified. It feeds them in a perverse way. Well, they can starve...I'm not feeding that monster. xo
This was such a good piece. ❤️
I have been conditioned to cry when I am angry, because I was taught from a young age that my anger and rage were unacceptable. I was taught that raising my voice and expressing my anger was "crazy". And I turned it on myself, as so many of us have, and that turns into tears. That rage and frustration has to come out somewhere.
I am getting better at it. But I am still very much learning.
I'm glad you're on the learning bus. We have to come into our power and confidence about passionately expressing ourselves without apology. I've been watching you, Kari. I think you're doing a bang-up job on these pages. XO!
Nan, you’ve touched on every woman’s deeply ingrained fear that female rage is unacceptable. I carry both the rage and the fear. The old truism—“Depression is anger turned inward”—springs to life in this piece. By the way, I much prefer “Put Up Your Dukes.” It’s a call to action and piques curiosity.
Hi Rona, And yes, I understand why you like the first title better. i do too for all the same reasons. It's an invitation. I switched it out of a desire to attract more readers, because I think it's an important piece and I'd like a lot of people to read it. It wasn't getting much response yesterday. So I did something I've not done before; I chose the more click-baity title. But there was another aspect. One of confronting my fear about saying something so blatant. I looked inside and knew that I was on the fence about the title before I pushed "publish." So I was challenging my bravery AND doing an experiment. And double yes to the truism about anger and depression. I got more than a helping's worth of that. I want women to get angry. I want women to stop mutilating themselves becasue of the need to attract the male gaze, and the fear of disappearing if they're not viewed as young and pretty and malleable. We need to say no more. And we need to do it unapologetically. xo
When I see the words “orange menace,” I expect the expected—and shut down. The new title packs more heat in the moment, I guess, but the original one has staying power.
No. Readers like a confident writer. The time to change it back is when you revisit the piece and “orange menace” has lost its buzz. In general, I dislike clubbish titles that make assumptions about who the reader is and what she believes.
I just changed it last night. No one will even notice. I'm pretty confident most of the time, don't you think? But at the same time, I still think I'm pretty knew at all of this. xo
SO! My magazine editor-in-chief-friend? Should I change it back? I can, because it's my stack and I can do whatever I want. xo Love you, Rona.
Well done, you, for letting Mark lead you toward a solution. That's really amazing!
My rage almost always surfaces as tears. I think it's because what's beneath it is really fear. Fear of losing what's precious to me. Fear of losing control.
I know women who scream rather than hit. They find that to be the kind of catharsis they need. I cry. I write. Sometimes I write so hard I tear the page. I let my tears mix with my anger. I defend myself, audibly. I name all that's wrong in the moment. I take it outside.
I don't know if you've seen this, or if it's too soon to come in with a bit of humor, but this is one reason I worry about screaming. Well, sort of. 😅
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ykITPhNEdyI
Okay, I watched it several times. I didn't really get it...can you explain? Some guy, was he nekkid? I couldn't tell! xo
Oh, oops. Didn’t mean to share something perplexing. He was 💩-ing!
I thought he was nekkid. But shouldn't she have screamed after she saw that? Not in preparation? Or maybe we're supposed to intuit that that's why she screamed. You'll have to forgive me. I'm not very bright! xo
Oh, you’re bright. It’s not obvious I guess. She went into the woods to “scream it out” (whatever it was that made her want to shriek) and ended up freaking out a guy she hadn’t seen, who was there already, minding his own…um…business. .
I know I am! I'm sorry about my lack of laughter. See, but this is an example of how much I've grown as a human. Instead of faking it and agreeing, I exposed my confusion and was only a little nervous about appearing completely obtuse. Nan for the win! Love to you, EB! xo
Thanks, Elizabeth. I hear that about the tears. I'm sure fear lies beneath my reactions too.
When it's distilled to it's purest explanation, and using my wise therapist's assessment: there are two things: Love and Fear, and all of our other emotions/reactions are born of one or the other. When I put it through my own testing methods, I think she's right. I get it about defending myself and my position audibly. I do that, too. I'm going to check out your video now. And I'll be back with my response.
I bet you slept great that night! Can we get a punching bag for every woman and honorary man in this country? And while you’re right, it won’t solve the bigger Cheeto faced problem, I want to believe our uprising of energy, free and untamed, is a lasting and revolt that eventually erodes at his tyranny.
Awomen to that. That night, I went to a sporting goods store and bought my own heavy bag and gloves. Hung it in my garage and had at it pretty regularly for a while.
Did you ever realize that the word "lover" can be found in the word "revolution?" I think about that all the time. xo
Frustration is about the only time I cry, and I’ve felt that salt water facial just behind my eyes more days than I can count this year. Hitting things helps. Showing up for my kid helps. And reading your honest words crafted into a bedtime story of belonging helps. Love you friend.
I adore you Jess. You're just amazing in every way. Oh god, I so want to hang out with you in person. I really do. xo
Way to go, Mark! And you! While, true, it won't solve the larger problems, I think we could all do with a pair of gloves and something to hit, truly. I think it probably is a mental catalyst and clearing of the head that can be helpful.
It definitely is. We're moving some chemicals around for sure. Mark's awesome. I may go back and work with him again, because I'm just dying to do burpees and ropes again. xo
I have to say, I do not agree with the ones telling you that tears are not an appropriate response to anger. There's no one way to feel mad. Tears are almost always healing or cathartic or at least cleansing in some way. I say let them spill however/whenever they come.
I hear what you're saying and don't disagree. But what they were trying to say to me, I think, was that I needed to get more honest about the anger I had locked up inside for my whole life. You know what? I wish men had more access to their tears, their vulnerability. They're busy defending, acting tough, and we're smoothing things over, and are acting afraid to assert ourselves for fear we'll be called bitches, cunts and oh no...dykes! Well. I'm already a dyke so if someone calls me that, I say, "why yes, yes, that's right, I am." But I haven't been willing to be bold enough to be proud of being called a bitch or a cunt for just being outspoken and fearless. WHY should we get called names for representing for ourselves? Call me whatever you want, I'm not hiding anymore. I like my tears a lot. But I want to flow when I'm moved, when I'm sad, when I'm grieving. I don't want to cry out of frustration or fear of saying how I really feel. That's what they were trying to get me to see. And I'm grateful for that. xo
Totally get that. And I agree. Authenticity is the key to everything.
Yup. It is. xo
Great post, Nan. I think we all should invest in boxing gloves and a bag to punch. I’m glad you found a way to get those feelings out of you because they do us no good at all if we store them inside. Also, I think your plan of doing something good for others in the way you are raising some money is a great plan also. It is a positive response to all the hardship we see around us. I wish I could help but my donations right now are going to my own family members who are struggling. Blessings to you. Hugs too.
Thanks, Sally! It was a great outlet, and I boxed for awhile. After Mark got me started, that was all I wanted to do...I even joined a kick-boxing gym but it was way too hard. And I didn't want to kick things. I just wanted to punch them. And good for you for helping your family. I'm not a woman of means by any stretch, but whatever I can do, I do. Because there are people out there who would think I'm living a very comfortable life compared to their circumstances. And in truth, I don't have a lot, but I have what I need. At least right now! I like helping. Cheers! xo
So much fun, I hit the bag and popped him one.
I saw! Thank you. You're the first one to donate to the cause. I'm so appreciative. I have a whole bunch of meals that I'll be delivering to one of the blue fridges that are scattered in Kingston for people who are new to food insecurity and still feel uncomfortable asking for help. It's a way to feed people without a face to face meeting. I love it. I've been putting food in those fridges for at least a couple of years. Thank you, again. It's a very tender time for many, as you know. xo
Nan, for years I had the opposite problem. I got really really angry, but I could never cry. Now, I've allowed myself to feel all my emotions, not just anger. And I'm in perimenopause, so the tears just seem to flow all the time now, even when I don't want them to. I get swept up in music or something I read or watch. I went to the Planned Parenthood of Greater Texas gala a few weeks ago and was seated next to the main speaker of the event, a woman who had been forced to give birth to a baby girl she knew was not going to survive. The minute she took the stage and started telling her story, I started weeping and didn't stop until after she was sitting beside me again. I'm sure everyone was holding back tears, but I was balling. These are new things for me, but they're also good for me. For too many years, I held it all in.
Crying is an absolutely beautiful thing, and I'm glad you're able to access the feeling and you're able to express it. And your response at the Planned Parenthood event was an appropriate one in my opinion. We have to cry about those things, but I think anger is a completely acceptable and NEEDED response. What's going on is reprehensible. We have to use our writing, our words to wake people up. To mobilize, to fight and right the wrongs. Sending you a big hug, Koeter! xo
So well said, Nan. I've been thinking a lot about female anger vs politeness. But I agree a punchbag only helps so much and in the moment. (I have nephews who'd disagree, mind you; they find it really good for their mental health.) I'd rather use my brain.
I'd like to do both, actually. Boxing is awesome for me, as long as it's with a heavy bag or a speed bag. Or a sparring partner who's wearing pads, so I can hit them. But I'll never step into a ring and engage in a match. Nope. I love using my brain. I haven't boxed in about 7 or 8 years. I'm considering revisiting it. xo
My long dead therapist once told me to go straight to the beach and scream out into the ocean. I too was masking my anger and rage that came from a place I didn't fully understand at the time. I thought he was kidding, but nope. He said, "this is your homework. Go out and do this and report back to me next week."
I drove to the waterfront, trying to find a spot that was deserted with not very many houses nearby. I didn't want anyone calling the cops on the crazy woman screaming out into the sea. That's all I needed!
I was tentative at first, embarrassed. "This is so stupid" script running through my head. But, I kept going. I don't know that I ever fully let 'r rip, but I gave it my best shot. And no one called the police. So, that's a win. Funny thing about being by the water--screaming... the ocean and wind tend to carry the sound away. I just realized it might be time to go find another empty beach and scream into the wind. With a bit more gusto this time!
Thanks for having breakfast with me this morning. :) xo
Love you sweetie! I'm ready to add screaming to my list on a more regular basis. I don't do it at home because I'd terrify my dog Maisy. But I do it in my car sometimes when I'm alone. It's truly awesome. Let's Zoom soon? Oh, and what did we have for breakfast? xoxo
Yes, best not to scare the animals. The car is a brilliant place to scream. I'll try that next time. I usually cry in my car. lol.
We had bagels with cream cheese (and blackberry jam). And yes, let's zoom soon. I'll send you an email. xo
Indeed. The car really rocks for crying, screaming and singing at the top of my lungs.
It's obvious by your menu that you are indeed a shikse. And that's fine. But you will never, ever see this Jew put blackberry jam or any other kind of sweet jelly or jam on a bagel and cream cheese. Please don't tell me the bagels were cinnamon raisin or or feh, blueberry swirl. Bagels are the perfect go-with for fishy toppings, onions, cream cheese (sans sweet mix-ins) and slices of summer-ripe tomatoes. OH and chopped liver! That was my favorite before I stopped eating meat. I'm what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew." Yup, yup, yup, yup. I think I'm tired and need to get some sleep! I'm on a ramble...xo
😂 Ok ok!! To be specific...one side of the bagel just had cream cheese. The other one had butter and jam because I was needing something sweet this morning. So, maybe just half shikse? My go to has been bagel, cream cheese with my fresh garden tomatoes w/salt and pepper. Yum. I only have a few of my tomatoes left though. Then it's back to tasteless store bought. Hope that makes you somewhat less grossed out! lol. xo
Separate is much better. And butter and jam are perfect together. So yes, Bagel, cream cheese, tomato and salt and pepper. Absolutely. You have scored some Jewish points. Have you ever had a REAL bagel from NYC? xo
OMG, Nan. I loved this. So insightful. Did you say you weren't good at pretending? Sheesh. Imagination isn't pretending. It's a force. Everything is created first in imagination. Cue Sponge Bob making the overhead rainbow: Imagination... Besides, as I've said before. You'd make a great actress/performer/singer.
The fucking Ms. Manners and Emily of that day are the trad-wife influencers of today. That shit didn't go anywhere but viral. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, the enforcers of a mythology that does not serve us at all. It's an unconscious strategy. We all want to be loved. We all want to belong. Many of us have been taught to direct the bad feelings inward and destroy ourselves rather than fight back. As a die-in-the-wool tomboy with three brothers and no sisters, I've always hated the word: Ladylike. And the lady chores I got to do, which dwarfed mowing the lawn (fun) or taking out the trash (five minutes, tops).
Also, we are born with a structure to our ego, one that embraces or rejects anger. We didn't create that. That's innate. Anger is a main feature of my ego. It's a surface-level emotion I'm quite happy expressing. It keeps me out of the fearsome emotions like helplessness. So, I have to be still to dive under my first response, just as you must to reach your anger. That's an unconscious strategy, too. It's also the work. So, I celebrate your anger even as I learn to be still with mine so I can become acquainted with helplessness and learn it won't kill me to feel that. I'll trade you. Or I'll give you some of mine if you give me some of yours...
I’m down for all of this.
Me too! xo
I'm up for trading, AND giving each other some wise lessons in accessing the feelings that are uncomfortable for each of us. I love this, "You'd make a great actress/performer/singer." THANK YOU, lovey. I'm enjoying playing with those parts of me so much. I didn't know the piece about being born with ego that we don't learn. That's fascinating and I'd love to discuss it the next time we speak. Learning that it's okay to express my anger in an appropriate direction and with purpose is enormous for me. I've been angry for a very long time. But I really just harmed myself and my relationships because I didn't know or understand how to channel it properly. There's a lot of freedom in doing so. Love you, pal. Let's be un-ladylike together! xo
I had a real AHA moment when I heard the words "Depression is anger turned inwards." So true. I'm glad you listened to your trio of rowdy angels that helped you to be less polite. You are now a rowdy angel for others. ❤️
ps I would rather be waterboarded than do burpees. For serious.
Same 🙋🏼♀️ Down with the patriarchy and fuck burpees!
Oh boy! I mean, Oh girl! Double-fuck burpees. GAH! xo
I love the role of rowdy angel...I wish I knew someone who could make a t-shirt for me that says that. Oh, wait. Yes, I do know someone. I wonder if she's busy??? xo
She’s never too busy for friends. ❤️
Miss Manners and Emily Post spoke to those from far different time. Thankfully, Gloria Steinem, Angela Davis, and Bella Abzug were among those ushering in very different and welcome way of being. And no matter what, it's always OK to cry when needed. 💕
Except they're speaking to those "ladies" who are now freely giving up their bodily autonomy and other freedoms, don't have a true read on the horrors that men want for women (not all men, of course) and there are far too many men who would like to put us right back to that far different time. Cathy, there are men spinning this yarn, that the vote should be taken away from women. This isn't a reference to something that's fallen out of fashion...those gentleladies are spearheading a whole different mentality. They are not gone and sadly not forgotten. I'm not going back. No way, no how, EVER. EVER. EVER.
I am very aware of this horrible view and am totally shocked that there are women buying into it. I did not equate that with how I remembered Miss Manners and Emily Post, but I don't stand by my memory. I fully agree with you - I will never go back, as well.
YAY! I used Miss Manners and Emily Post because I couldn't bear to use Phyllis Schlafly...also because Schlafly was a poseur as far as I'm concerned. xo
The Schlafly reference I would have fully understood. She did so much damage.
YES, but she was a manipulative horrible woman. I didn't want to bring that to the space. I had her in there at first, but I didn't want her smarmy brand of cruelty in the vibe of this post. Orange Monster was enough. xo
Maybe I should take up boxing.
I feel what you’re saying about anger in my body, because - like you - I have those voices chastising me for even thinking about showing anger. And while I am mostly a peacemaker who is committed to justice, balance, and compromise (I am a Libra, after all), there are moments when I would like to embody the rage of the Valkyrie or a wronged goddess or a mama bear. I am not really a turn-the-other-cheek kind of girl in circumstances when the opponent has no morals or ethics to speak of.
I may have to go watch Wonder Woman again. It’s been a while. 😆
I hear you, Jamie. And yes. But their weapons aren't ours, necessarily. Wonder Woman sounds like a great idea. Am I a turn-the-other-cheek kind of girl? Not sure. I do get angry at all the injustice and cruelty. I say no to all of that...but right now, the only thing I've got are my morals/ethics. And I think there are other ways to fight, including not letting them steal our joy, our resolve, and to not give in to the fear they want to instill. Fuck that. Bullies want us to be terrified. It feeds them in a perverse way. Well, they can starve...I'm not feeding that monster. xo