What Are You NOT Eating These Days?

That question is a nod to my history of eating behaviors, my “dieting” behaviors, my “I’m going to find the cure to my food issues” behaviors.

That’s the question I’m asked every time I’m invited to dinner at a friend’s house, or make plans to go out. My wonderful accommodating friends. But oh, that question. That question is a nod to my history of eating behaviors, my “dieting” behaviors, my “I’m going to find the cure to my food issues” behaviors. What are you not eating these days?

I always have an answer. I’m not eating meat, chicken, pork or fish. I’m not eating fat or carbs. I’m not eating sugar, or flour, or grains (whole or refined). No dairy, except cheese. No dairy, including cheese. No soy or wheat or alcohol. No lecithin. No eggs. Definitely no MSG. Of course, no MSG.  Never MSG. No fermented foods. Only fermented foods! Gluten free would be better for me, and no I don’t have Celiac, and yes, I’ve been tested. But I’m not eating gluten.

No nightshades. No nuts. No cookies. No candy. No ice cream (even the kind that’s dairy-free). I’m eating keto, paleo, Mediterranean, pescatarian, vegan. Sometimes I’m eating “everything,” but I have to weigh and measure “everything.” And I have to drink apple cider vinegar with every meal, because someone once told me that they read somewhere that it might help people lose weight.

What do these methods have in common? No joy, no peace, no sanity.

Joy is an important element of eating. Food isn’t just for survival, it’s also for pleasure. For nurture. For building fond memories of shared meals with loved ones. Cooking can be a form of self-expression, a love language. I don’t cook much but eating someone’s cooking for me is a way I can receive love. That’s a language I speak. Food is for health and celebration. Food is life.

With almost all of the strategies I’ve employed, I’ve lost weight. Most of the time, I gain it back, and then some. While I’m eating the chosen menu of the moment, I drive myself nuts. Food is always on my mind. It’s an obsession. The scale hovers in my line of sight, and the measuring tape is always within reach. My brain won’t shut up. There’s a monologue going on, humming in the background, shouting in the foreground. “You won’t be lovable, attractive, good enough until you weigh [fill in the blank]. For now, “less” will suffice.

Structured eating doesn’t work for my eating disordered brain. I don’t have direct answers yet about why the short circuits happen. I may never have those answers. I do know that I can’t fill whatever void exists in me with food. That had been a coping mechanism that helped at times, but no longer works. When I reach for food to try to self-soothe, it’s mostly out of habit now.  Because what would my life be like if I let it go?

This past summer I found myself seeking a solution again. Carrying around an eating disorder is a heavy load. It’s always there, and I found myself alternating between intense self-loathing and extreme body dysmorphia. Denial is a devil.

I returned to a 12 Step fellowship I’d tried in the past. It was all about restricting foods, weighing and measuring ourselves and what we put in our mouths. I went to one meeting and knew it wasn’t right. So I went online and searched “12 Step” and “eating disorders” and found a different kind of group. I went to a meeting and something clicked.

The structure of this recovery program isn’t based on abstinence. It’s based on balance. No weighing and measuring. Not me and not my food. No counting calories. Balance. Eating healthfully when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m moderately full. No good foods and bad foods. All foods are good foods. All foods? It felt like the promise of freedom.

Now I attend a meeting every day. I have a sponsor. I’ve worked the 12 Steps. The thing that I needed to do that I’d never done before was to find a power greater than myself. It could be God, as I understand God (extremely uncomfortable). Or a higher power (a little Iess uncomfortable). Or a higher purpose (that one fits me best right now).

At first, I was resistant to the idea of surrendering to something that felt amorphous. I’m a very literal person. Putting my faith in a mystery like “a higher power” is challenging. I’m willing to be open to it. I know now that faith is a thing I’ll never comprehend with my ego. It’s understood with my heart. I’ve had glimmers. A spiritual connection. A higher purpose is tangible for me at present: Program is my higher purpose.

Every day I’m learning something new about myself and the changes have been monumental. I’m finding forgiveness for myself and others, letting go of resentments I’ve held on to for years. My anger has diminished and my road rage seems to have disappeared entirely. I feel grounded and connected. A power greater than myself. I’ve become coachable. Me? Coachable? Who am I?  I’m comprehending humility, and even experiencing it. I’m more patient. I feel happy! I’m less judgmental.

And my weight? I haven’t lost a single pound. As a matter of fact, I’ve gained some. I’m learning how to do this, one day at a time. I’m not in a hurry. Recovery isn’t linear. It’s a process. I still don’t love my body, but I love me, truly and really. I no longer have an investment in “thinner is better.”

I’ve gained gifts from doing this work. A sense of freedom, of emotional clarity and well-being.  This program wants me to succeed. I want to succeed and I’m learning to trust myself. Attaining balance in all areas of my life is teaching me that I can have balance with food. Without a connection to something greater than myself, I don’t think that would be possible. The gift is life.

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The Next Write Thing, is inspired by a slogan used in 12 Step groups. “Do the next right thing.” What does that mean to me? Living in the present and taking care of what's immediately in front of me. Letting life in, one experience at a time. Taking risks. Resting when I'm tired, eating when I'm hungry. Taking care of myself first and others next. Taking responsibility for my actions. Not overreacting. Being kind. Listening. Writing this newsletter is me, doing the next right thing.