“I didn’t know that I could create boundaries, that I could say no when things were challenging without having to add illness on top of it to make my “no” valid.” —- cut to me: 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Holy moly! I think this is your best piece yet. Woweeee. I’m in awe. I can’t remember, do you have a book? Do you have a book in the making?! You need to be published. 💕🌼☀️
Nan, your personal discoveries are profound and universal. I'm sure, like me, you've come across schools of thought that connect all of our physical ailments to areas where we need to do more emotional work. I'm not sure I embrace those philosophies, because - well, duh - pediatric illnesses, cancer in general, etc, etc. Still there is value in exploring where we're holding onto feelings that aren't serving us well. Thanks for putting that kind of work where I and others can see it.
I am similar in my thinking. I don't think all illness has a somatic connection, an emotional switch that activates our bodies to respond with inflammation, though, I do have thoughts about what might have triggered the epilepsy I experienced as a child. I think more illness exists in connection with our personal trauma stories than we realize or accept. I'm a thinking, curious person. I enjoy teasing things apart, inquiring, and having direct experiences (even when painful) to gain deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I always appreciate your feedback and our exchanges. Thank you, Elizabeth. xo
Wow, Nan, what a powerful share ! Thank you for that last line : I don’t need to be sick to be seen. I feel this will validate so many people that are struggling with identity as it relates to chronic illness. 🙏💗
Thank you for your courage and clarity of mind in sharing your life experience.
Thank you, Tamy. It's been quite a special thing to learn, and it took years to see clearly. I want to share my stories. When I write them I always gain deeper understanding in myself, and am always hopefully putting something out into the world that might make a difference in someone else's life. xo
My words absolutely count. I have no plans of not writing. I've waited far too long and just the right amount of time to finally write. No stopping me now! xo
Hi Nan, this is such a fantastic story. It feels vulnerable and also core.
Powerful ending
I wonder whatever brought on the seizures?
Did you ever get to the bottom of that? Did they just go away?
Abby and Libby and I listened to this together while we were preparing dinner. Abby also like this very much and said she hopes to hang out with you again.
Thanks, Prajna. Never got to an answer about the seizures, sometimes they just happen, but I was told I'd grow out of them...I did (came off the medication), and then 20 years later started taking an antidepressant that came with a warning for people with a seizure history to "beware." Running out of psych med options, we decided to take a risk, and of course, I started having seizures again. So, to make a much longer story much shorter, I've been on a low dose of seizure medication since, and may always be on one. I've had a couple of seizures over the years. I'm always at home, and I always find my way to a safe place (without realizing it) to have the seizure. They were both times when I was feeling a great deal of stress. There's the short answer!
I hope I get to hang out with Abby again, too! And you. xo
It hurts to hear how the therapist “diagnosed” you in a way that feels blaming/shaming instead of compassionate curiosity - trying to understand what caused you to get into this pattern. We don’t invent these strategies if not for situations we were in as children that we tried our best to survive and have our basic needs met.
It’s sad that therapy pathologizes, because instead of HELPING to heal, it creates a barrier and prolongs the journey of having your needs met in healthier ways 🙏
Are you referring to the therapist who said that I create the crap in my life...? Because it was painful to hear, but she'd heard so much of my story at that point, and was a very gentle and serious practitioner. It actually served me to have someone be a little tough with me. I do appreciate your reaction and feedback. It took me a while to accept the wisdom of her message. I think sometimes people can benefit from bluntness, thought not my favorite way to be supported!
I have felt for a long time that the basis for 12-step recovery is learning self-love, whether it's through reparenting ourselves or any other means. How else can we benefit from the many 4th step inventories we must take over the years? Self-love is a very tall order for those of us who grew up with virtually no self-esteem. But as they say in the program: "We'll love you until you learn to love yourself." I have to value myself and my well-being iin order to stop the pattern of self-destruction—via overeating, drinking to get drunk or overuse of pills, among other things. Valuing myself, really finding value in myself—boy, that's hard when all the negative memories fill my head. This is why I bombard (yes, bombard) myself with so many meetings, and readings, and writing my truth. It gets easier, but I slip into negative behavior sometimes. What then? I get back on the horse.
Yes! We get back on the horse. My life has been quite a ride, and I wasn't able to heal until I could heal. My life now is so different than it's very been. I'm so grateful for program and therapy and all the angels who've come my way. But mostly, I'm grateful for me. That I never gave up, and that I've found is the "me" that's always been rooting for me under the blanket of shame and self-doubt that used to run my life. I love your comments and so appreciate how much you get it. xo
You have done such a deep dive in your life, cleansing the crannies. What good work! So many people just don't bother, or don't have the courage. You are a courageous woman.
Nan, I felt this right one right away. I was thinking of my own childhood and putting the thermometer in the guts of the alarm clock (carefully shaking it down to 101 or so) so I could go stay with the neighbor lady sometimes. She would fuss over me and I got to lay on the couch and watch tv with a fuzzy blanket. It felt like a day in heaven.
I still really struggle with how much care I accept and give myself as far as being chronically ill. I try not to use it dodge hard things but I have trouble knowing what I can and cannot do of late. I so related to your fear after the seizures...the feeling something MIGHT happen is the worst sort of confidence destroyer. I deal with that all the time and it brings me down.
I loved this piece from beginning to end and I love you. I'm glad you recorded it so it has another life. xoxoxo
Thank you, Eileen. I wonder often how you feel deep inside about your health challenge. It's a huge one, and you've had time to process it as you progress. So much of what you're dealing with is so unpredictable that I can imagine you being in a state of perpetual hypervigilance. I hope that's not the case, but I know it can be so hard waiting for the shoe to drop. Walking through life in a state of worry about the future never helps me, but it's so hard not to go there. Let your people be there for you and support you. The love we didn't receive in our childhoods from our parents or other caregivers is available in abundance to us now, because we are the masters of our lives. And we deserve to be seen and loved and cared for because we're human. I adore you, my friend. xo Come lie on the couch and watch tv under a fuzzy blanket and let us fuss over you!
This really resonates with me Nan- I get migraines and while there are some non psychosomatic reasons for them, I also know my parents really only took me seriously/allowed me to just be, and took care of me, when I was sick. So I feel like now, when my body needs ME to listen, to rest, to be kind to myself, it sends me a message through a migraine. I wish I didn’t need the message to be hammered down this way.
I hear you. It's good that you listen though, even if you don't always see it yourself. In my last relationship, I didn't listen, even as my body screamed at me. Screamed. Screamed at me that the relationship wasn't right for me, that I should honor myself and stop putting myself down for not being able to give what was wanted. I didn't equate the pain with a message. And we both suffered for it. I'm paying much better attention now. xo
“I didn’t know that I could create boundaries, that I could say no when things were challenging without having to add illness on top of it to make my “no” valid.” —- cut to me: 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Sending love to you, Lyns! See you soon, yes? xo
Holy moly! I think this is your best piece yet. Woweeee. I’m in awe. I can’t remember, do you have a book? Do you have a book in the making?! You need to be published. 💕🌼☀️
Nan, your personal discoveries are profound and universal. I'm sure, like me, you've come across schools of thought that connect all of our physical ailments to areas where we need to do more emotional work. I'm not sure I embrace those philosophies, because - well, duh - pediatric illnesses, cancer in general, etc, etc. Still there is value in exploring where we're holding onto feelings that aren't serving us well. Thanks for putting that kind of work where I and others can see it.
I am similar in my thinking. I don't think all illness has a somatic connection, an emotional switch that activates our bodies to respond with inflammation, though, I do have thoughts about what might have triggered the epilepsy I experienced as a child. I think more illness exists in connection with our personal trauma stories than we realize or accept. I'm a thinking, curious person. I enjoy teasing things apart, inquiring, and having direct experiences (even when painful) to gain deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I always appreciate your feedback and our exchanges. Thank you, Elizabeth. xo
I feel the same, Nan. Thanks!
Wow, Nan, what a powerful share ! Thank you for that last line : I don’t need to be sick to be seen. I feel this will validate so many people that are struggling with identity as it relates to chronic illness. 🙏💗
Thank you for your courage and clarity of mind in sharing your life experience.
Thank you, Tamy. It's been quite a special thing to learn, and it took years to see clearly. I want to share my stories. When I write them I always gain deeper understanding in myself, and am always hopefully putting something out into the world that might make a difference in someone else's life. xo
Your words count. Your story makes a difference. Keep writing, Nan. I'm reading. 🥰💫🌻
My words absolutely count. I have no plans of not writing. I've waited far too long and just the right amount of time to finally write. No stopping me now! xo
Awesome ! Welcome home, Nan 💫
Very beautifully spoken and written!
Thank you, Barbara! xo
Ps you aren’t sick and you are seen and loved as you are
I do know that! And I feel the love and send it back. xo
Hi Nan, this is such a fantastic story. It feels vulnerable and also core.
Powerful ending
I wonder whatever brought on the seizures?
Did you ever get to the bottom of that? Did they just go away?
Abby and Libby and I listened to this together while we were preparing dinner. Abby also like this very much and said she hopes to hang out with you again.
🌹🌹🌹
Thanks, Prajna. Never got to an answer about the seizures, sometimes they just happen, but I was told I'd grow out of them...I did (came off the medication), and then 20 years later started taking an antidepressant that came with a warning for people with a seizure history to "beware." Running out of psych med options, we decided to take a risk, and of course, I started having seizures again. So, to make a much longer story much shorter, I've been on a low dose of seizure medication since, and may always be on one. I've had a couple of seizures over the years. I'm always at home, and I always find my way to a safe place (without realizing it) to have the seizure. They were both times when I was feeling a great deal of stress. There's the short answer!
I hope I get to hang out with Abby again, too! And you. xo
It hurts to hear how the therapist “diagnosed” you in a way that feels blaming/shaming instead of compassionate curiosity - trying to understand what caused you to get into this pattern. We don’t invent these strategies if not for situations we were in as children that we tried our best to survive and have our basic needs met.
It’s sad that therapy pathologizes, because instead of HELPING to heal, it creates a barrier and prolongs the journey of having your needs met in healthier ways 🙏
Are you referring to the therapist who said that I create the crap in my life...? Because it was painful to hear, but she'd heard so much of my story at that point, and was a very gentle and serious practitioner. It actually served me to have someone be a little tough with me. I do appreciate your reaction and feedback. It took me a while to accept the wisdom of her message. I think sometimes people can benefit from bluntness, thought not my favorite way to be supported!
I hear you 💗
💕
I have felt for a long time that the basis for 12-step recovery is learning self-love, whether it's through reparenting ourselves or any other means. How else can we benefit from the many 4th step inventories we must take over the years? Self-love is a very tall order for those of us who grew up with virtually no self-esteem. But as they say in the program: "We'll love you until you learn to love yourself." I have to value myself and my well-being iin order to stop the pattern of self-destruction—via overeating, drinking to get drunk or overuse of pills, among other things. Valuing myself, really finding value in myself—boy, that's hard when all the negative memories fill my head. This is why I bombard (yes, bombard) myself with so many meetings, and readings, and writing my truth. It gets easier, but I slip into negative behavior sometimes. What then? I get back on the horse.
Thanks for another great story, Nan.
Yes! We get back on the horse. My life has been quite a ride, and I wasn't able to heal until I could heal. My life now is so different than it's very been. I'm so grateful for program and therapy and all the angels who've come my way. But mostly, I'm grateful for me. That I never gave up, and that I've found is the "me" that's always been rooting for me under the blanket of shame and self-doubt that used to run my life. I love your comments and so appreciate how much you get it. xo
You have done such a deep dive in your life, cleansing the crannies. What good work! So many people just don't bother, or don't have the courage. You are a courageous woman.
Thank you, Amrita. XO
Nan, I felt this right one right away. I was thinking of my own childhood and putting the thermometer in the guts of the alarm clock (carefully shaking it down to 101 or so) so I could go stay with the neighbor lady sometimes. She would fuss over me and I got to lay on the couch and watch tv with a fuzzy blanket. It felt like a day in heaven.
I still really struggle with how much care I accept and give myself as far as being chronically ill. I try not to use it dodge hard things but I have trouble knowing what I can and cannot do of late. I so related to your fear after the seizures...the feeling something MIGHT happen is the worst sort of confidence destroyer. I deal with that all the time and it brings me down.
I loved this piece from beginning to end and I love you. I'm glad you recorded it so it has another life. xoxoxo
Thank you, Eileen. I wonder often how you feel deep inside about your health challenge. It's a huge one, and you've had time to process it as you progress. So much of what you're dealing with is so unpredictable that I can imagine you being in a state of perpetual hypervigilance. I hope that's not the case, but I know it can be so hard waiting for the shoe to drop. Walking through life in a state of worry about the future never helps me, but it's so hard not to go there. Let your people be there for you and support you. The love we didn't receive in our childhoods from our parents or other caregivers is available in abundance to us now, because we are the masters of our lives. And we deserve to be seen and loved and cared for because we're human. I adore you, my friend. xo Come lie on the couch and watch tv under a fuzzy blanket and let us fuss over you!
We are human and we deserve all the love and care. Must tattoo on forehead, backwards so I can read it in the mirror.
Thanks for being there for all of us ♥️
Love you, pal! xo
"I’m learning I can ask for help without needing to create a crisis." Oof... I'll be processing THAT little gem for the rest of day!
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope, Nan.
Thank you, Che. The therapist who called me out did me an enormous service. And you are most welcome. I love sharing my stories. xo
This really resonates with me Nan- I get migraines and while there are some non psychosomatic reasons for them, I also know my parents really only took me seriously/allowed me to just be, and took care of me, when I was sick. So I feel like now, when my body needs ME to listen, to rest, to be kind to myself, it sends me a message through a migraine. I wish I didn’t need the message to be hammered down this way.
I hear you. It's good that you listen though, even if you don't always see it yourself. In my last relationship, I didn't listen, even as my body screamed at me. Screamed. Screamed at me that the relationship wasn't right for me, that I should honor myself and stop putting myself down for not being able to give what was wanted. I didn't equate the pain with a message. And we both suffered for it. I'm paying much better attention now. xo