Bigger Than What?

I’ve had an eating disorder since childhood. I’ve binged, over-exercised, starved, and flirted with laxatives. I’ve tried diets and gotten sucked into fads. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Noom, The Whole 30, Atkins, and keto. I’ve lost track at this point. I’ve consumed weight-loss shakes by the pitcher, and eaten apple cider gummies by the jarful. I’ve tried acupuncture and Chinese herbs. In the 80s, I tried a little cocaine. (Fine, fine, maybe a little more than a little, but it was expensive, and I was afraid of dying…and prison.)

I explored bariatric surgery. Not an option for me, but more on that later. All of these attempts at weight loss were driven by the desire to be in a different sized body. I thought my problems would disappear if I was thin. Guess what? They didn’t. I’ve been big, and I’ve been small. I’ve brushed up against anorexia several times. The thing that’s been a constant for me at all sizes is a disconnect from my feelings. I’ve used disordered behaviors with food to avoid myself.

About 30 years ago, I dipped my toe into 12 Step programs, looking for a solution to my problems with food. But I started seriously attending a 12 Step meeting dedicated to recovering from eating disorders in the summer of 2023. I had hit bottom. It was time.

I’m a woman in a bigger body. In my home group, I’m encouraged to use that phrase, “bigger body” instead of describing myself as fat. For me, bigger body is a euphemism. It’s polite, almost an apology. Bigger than what? I prefer the word fat. I'm fat. It feels honest. Clean. Powerful. When I use the word fat as a descriptor, and not as a self-hating judgement, I’m claiming it. Fat is not a personal failing. It’s an adjective that describes a physical attribute. Being fat has its problems for me, and I’ll write about that in another post. The point is that I use food to shut down, or to ignore my feelings. How I distract myself from what’s really happening inside.

Well, I want to feel. Better than that, I want to know what I’m feeling, instead of medicating myself with food. What I’m discovering is that the eating is absolutely not about the eating. It’s about not feeling my feelings. There’s comfort in that realization. It gives me hope that recovery is attainable.

Having an eating disorder has had an impact on every area of my life. It’s helped me hide in plain sight, isolate, protect myself, and live what has sometimes felt like half a life. I didn’t fully see that until I started telling the truth about it. It’s kept me from going to the beach and swimming, because wearing a bathing suit was too humiliating. It’s kept me from dancing. I love to dance but I don’t want to jiggle unless it’s intentional. Having an eating disorder has kept me from socializing and enjoying food at parties like other people do, because I felt so much shame. I assumed people were watching me, judging me for every morsel I’d put into my mouth. It’s affected my confidence in myriad ways, in school, in work, in pursuing things I’ve dreamt of doing. It’s hurt my sex life and my love life.  We don’t live in a world that’s friendly to fat people.

Recovering from an eating disorder is not about will power. It’s about getting to the root causes of the disorder and healing.

The 12 Step part? In the past, I’d go to the meetings and then I’d stop going to the meetings. I never worked the steps. I never had a sponsor. I used to say, “I’ve been in 12 Step, and out of 12 Step. Mostly out.” Now, I’m in. I’m IN! Being in is morphing my partly-lived life into a life that feels beautiful, happy, and peaceful. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t still have tough days. Recovery is work. I now belong to a community of fierce people. Fierce women, mostly, because yes, eating disorders and women. These women show up, share vulnerably, and make a difference in my life every single day. I am filled with gratitude and awe for each of them.

You know what? I’m still fat. For now, my aim is to be patient and kind to myself as I do my recovery work. I may always be fat. Is that okay with me? I'm not sure. I do want to be healthy, and right now I'm not as healthy as I’d like to be. Ideally, I want to love my body whatever size it is. Do I? No, not really. Might I? I hope so. But I’m not even close. I'm not in my 12 Step program to lose weight. I'm there to find peace, to be my best self, and to make a contribution to the people around me. 

I will recover and recovery takes time. No more shortcuts. They don’t work. Instead, I’m doing the next right thing.

The Next Write Thing, is inspired by a slogan used in 12 Step groups. “Do the next right thing.” What does that mean to me? Living in the present and taking care of what's immediately in front of me. Letting life in, one experience at a time. Taking risks. Resting when I'm tired, eating when I'm hungry. Taking care of myself first and others next. Taking responsibility for my actions. Not overreacting. Being kind. Listening. Writing this newsletter is me, doing the next right thing.