I hear you, Kim. It's time for other people to have control of their own actions, decisions, and vision. It's a lot of work to feel responsible for the whole world...I'm on permanent sabbatical. Will be studying for continued recovery, humility, and discernment. I like the idea of us being separated at birth (not the separation part, the connection part). xo
Not messy at all, Nan. It is heartbreaking in places, this inside look at the surface that was hiding so much. I think the image of the wrapping of gifts is going to stay with me. So many of us know the perfectionist side of ourselves, even if we arrive at it for different reasons or from different roads that reinforce the streak. It sounds like it was a challenging week, and I hope this one has gotten off to a better start. You are so attentive to that young girl. Sometimes I wish you more grace with your current self, too. I’m not sure there’s ever an end point, just a point of balance.
It's that point of balance that I desire. I'm trying to give myself more grace. It's hard for me, I think of it as a pendulum that swings between "too easy" on myself and "too hard." I'm looking at myself with honesty, and some regret that I didn't come to this healing work earlier in my life, even though I know in my heart that I wasn't ready until I was ready. I'm ready. And a gentle touch is good. I'm integrating Little Nan and Big Nan. It takes time and practice. Thank you, my friend, for your thoughtful response. I truly value our connection. xo
A terrific essay, as always, Nan. And HIGHLY relatable. I wrote a piece on perfectionism a while back and, in thinking about the roots of it, was floored by how far back I could identity that behavior in myself. Letting go is rough business! But contrary to how people like us think, it somehow makes life a lot more comfortable.
That's so interesting...I said this to one of my pals in program this morning. I said that after writing the essay, and realizing how much I learned this week, and acknowledging the change because I recognized my behaviors made me feel soft and held by something greater than myself...could it be that HP is sneaking in while I'm not paying attention? D'oh! xo
Thanks, Wendy! I'm working on putting all that wisdom and self-awareness to good use. It happens often enough that I need to tell on myself! My knee-jerk reactions to things are quieting a little, but it comes and goes. I use those warnings, reactions to my benefit to make changes in myself. I'm very lucky to have discovered 12 Step work. It's really quite brilliant. xo
Veneer and façade. Those are the two words that jumped out at me when reading your description of your childhood home. Both are meant to cover up unsightly things.
But they don't apply to you - at least not anymore. It sounds like you've figured out how to expose some of the good stuff that was hidden for a long time.
I had the good fortune of working with some absolutely brilliant colleagues. I was often not the smartest person in the room, although I may have been one of the saner ones. With two Engineers and an Actuary among my children, it wasn't much different at home either. So, humility was a daily occurrence pour moi, but as you and I both know, it is really hard to keep a certain look from crossing my face when confronted with someone who doesn't seem to have a clue about what they're talking about, but talk about it anyways. 😎
I hear you, my dear! I'm still working on my facial responses. I find putting my hand in front of my mouth very helpful at times when I'm having trouble controlling myself! I'm a work in progress, for sure. xo
While masking during Covid helped, it is all in the eyes. The only thing that works for me is sunglasses and people think I am kinda weird already, so can't get away with that on a Zoom call.
Wow. Fabulous and fascinating! I love how you share your journey with us and help us grow also. I once saw this quote from Michael J Fox (although it may have orignated elsewhere): "I strive for excellence; perfection is god's business." Love you and your beautiful work!
Thank you, Nome. That's a wonderful quote. Gonna write it down, and keep it. I never know when I hit the "publish" button what the reaction will be. I get so much out of writing about my challenges. Love to you! PS. I just looked up the quote. It does seem to be his: "“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.” Wonderful. xo
This is a precise description of how recovery works: Getting aware, getting aware faster and keep on moving forward after detours and setbacks. In reality, they are not steps backwards, they are parts of your own itinerary with no alternative. I have experienced it this way and yet I needed to be reminded by your essay that I may finally stop dreaming of waking up “purified” one fine day. Recovery is a self-paved path through unclear terrain. You have found your way this week and I rejoice with you from the bottom of my heart. All the best and love
Thank you, Ina. Thank you for your beautifully stated validation of my experience. I'm firmly committed to my recovery, and I know that there are bumps in that progress...I believe that's part of the growth process. It's painful when it's happening, but I'm not resisting the painful parts, I'm there for all of it, because I know it leads to a good outcome. I keep seeing the results of my commitment. xo Love to you, as well. xo
Insightful essay. It's easy to spot in others, not so much in myself. But as the old 12 step quip goes, "If you spot it, you got it." Part of a life well lived is paying attention. Best wishes for our journeys in this area!
Thank you, Marguerite! I love "if you spot it, you got it." So much more fun than "we are mirrors of one another." There are so many 12 step truisms, and I love them. I've been thinking of compiling a book of them...that would be a fun gift! Succinct self-help. xo
Nan, this is fascinating to me - these parts of us that take over to protect us somehow, that we have to then learn to outgrow. I’m really interested in this five year old and her learning to « not know » and get dirty ❤️
I love my 5-year-old gremlin. She's very much a part of me. It's my job to take care of her, and let her know she's safe. The gremlin arises out of my old fears. She thinks she's protecting me, but what may have been true in the past doesn't hold much truth anymore. xo
Thank you for reading and commenting, Christiana. Codependence indeed. And a few other toxic ingredients mixed in, I think. Working on it every day. xo
Yup. And "oof" is right! I learned so much about myself and my behavior this past week IRL in my meeting, and more on writing about it. Thank you for reading and commenting, Cassidy!
Know that one well, Nan! Perfectionism. Highly recommend the book “The Spirituality of Imperfection” which you might already be familiar with.
Thanks, Kelly! I’ll check out the book. How are you doing?
❤️!
💕
I think we may have been separated at birth. 😂😘
I cringe when I think of all the well meaning people I crushed with my “rightness.”
Oy vay, thank goodness for recovery and self-reflection. 🩷🤍🩷
I hear you, Kim. It's time for other people to have control of their own actions, decisions, and vision. It's a lot of work to feel responsible for the whole world...I'm on permanent sabbatical. Will be studying for continued recovery, humility, and discernment. I like the idea of us being separated at birth (not the separation part, the connection part). xo
🩷🤍🩷
Not messy at all, Nan. It is heartbreaking in places, this inside look at the surface that was hiding so much. I think the image of the wrapping of gifts is going to stay with me. So many of us know the perfectionist side of ourselves, even if we arrive at it for different reasons or from different roads that reinforce the streak. It sounds like it was a challenging week, and I hope this one has gotten off to a better start. You are so attentive to that young girl. Sometimes I wish you more grace with your current self, too. I’m not sure there’s ever an end point, just a point of balance.
It's that point of balance that I desire. I'm trying to give myself more grace. It's hard for me, I think of it as a pendulum that swings between "too easy" on myself and "too hard." I'm looking at myself with honesty, and some regret that I didn't come to this healing work earlier in my life, even though I know in my heart that I wasn't ready until I was ready. I'm ready. And a gentle touch is good. I'm integrating Little Nan and Big Nan. It takes time and practice. Thank you, my friend, for your thoughtful response. I truly value our connection. xo
A terrific essay, as always, Nan. And HIGHLY relatable. I wrote a piece on perfectionism a while back and, in thinking about the roots of it, was floored by how far back I could identity that behavior in myself. Letting go is rough business! But contrary to how people like us think, it somehow makes life a lot more comfortable.
That's so interesting...I said this to one of my pals in program this morning. I said that after writing the essay, and realizing how much I learned this week, and acknowledging the change because I recognized my behaviors made me feel soft and held by something greater than myself...could it be that HP is sneaking in while I'm not paying attention? D'oh! xo
Could be! Love that thought!
Nan, I’ve found your advice really welcome!
I guess there are times when we’ll find we’ve overstepped, but you seem so wise and self-aware I don’t imagine that happens too often.
That childhood home where everything hinged on outward appearances must have been very restricting. Love your descriptions of it.
A very good read, thank you.
Thanks, Wendy! I'm working on putting all that wisdom and self-awareness to good use. It happens often enough that I need to tell on myself! My knee-jerk reactions to things are quieting a little, but it comes and goes. I use those warnings, reactions to my benefit to make changes in myself. I'm very lucky to have discovered 12 Step work. It's really quite brilliant. xo
I enjoyed this Nan.
Veneer and façade. Those are the two words that jumped out at me when reading your description of your childhood home. Both are meant to cover up unsightly things.
But they don't apply to you - at least not anymore. It sounds like you've figured out how to expose some of the good stuff that was hidden for a long time.
Thanks, AB. For seeing past the ways we hide. I'm working on balance. It's so important to me now. And that old humility thing! xo
I had the good fortune of working with some absolutely brilliant colleagues. I was often not the smartest person in the room, although I may have been one of the saner ones. With two Engineers and an Actuary among my children, it wasn't much different at home either. So, humility was a daily occurrence pour moi, but as you and I both know, it is really hard to keep a certain look from crossing my face when confronted with someone who doesn't seem to have a clue about what they're talking about, but talk about it anyways. 😎
I hear you, my dear! I'm still working on my facial responses. I find putting my hand in front of my mouth very helpful at times when I'm having trouble controlling myself! I'm a work in progress, for sure. xo
While masking during Covid helped, it is all in the eyes. The only thing that works for me is sunglasses and people think I am kinda weird already, so can't get away with that on a Zoom call.
I hear you! Yes, eyes AND my eyebrows, too! Maybe a paper bag on my head with earholes and eye/nose holes for breathing...That might do it.
Ah, yes...the curse of perfectionism. If we can control the chaos around us then we can control the chaos within, right?
Exactly. Precisely. Perfectly. Nope! xo Hope you have a great day, Lyn!
Needed this today!
Thanks for your comment, and for the restack! All the best to you, xo.
I’m sorry you had a rough week but appreciate that you shared the learning it precipitated.
Thanks, Meryl. I just hope I don't have to learn this again, but there's a likely chance that this stuff will pop up again! Ah, humanity! xo
Wow. Fabulous and fascinating! I love how you share your journey with us and help us grow also. I once saw this quote from Michael J Fox (although it may have orignated elsewhere): "I strive for excellence; perfection is god's business." Love you and your beautiful work!
Thank you, Nome. That's a wonderful quote. Gonna write it down, and keep it. I never know when I hit the "publish" button what the reaction will be. I get so much out of writing about my challenges. Love to you! PS. I just looked up the quote. It does seem to be his: "“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.” Wonderful. xo
P.S. Congratulations on 1000!!! Woohoo!!!
Hilarious! I just responded to your other comment and put it in as a "PS." Love you, Nome. xo
This is a precise description of how recovery works: Getting aware, getting aware faster and keep on moving forward after detours and setbacks. In reality, they are not steps backwards, they are parts of your own itinerary with no alternative. I have experienced it this way and yet I needed to be reminded by your essay that I may finally stop dreaming of waking up “purified” one fine day. Recovery is a self-paved path through unclear terrain. You have found your way this week and I rejoice with you from the bottom of my heart. All the best and love
Thank you, Ina. Thank you for your beautifully stated validation of my experience. I'm firmly committed to my recovery, and I know that there are bumps in that progress...I believe that's part of the growth process. It's painful when it's happening, but I'm not resisting the painful parts, I'm there for all of it, because I know it leads to a good outcome. I keep seeing the results of my commitment. xo Love to you, as well. xo
Insightful essay. It's easy to spot in others, not so much in myself. But as the old 12 step quip goes, "If you spot it, you got it." Part of a life well lived is paying attention. Best wishes for our journeys in this area!
Thank you, Marguerite! I love "if you spot it, you got it." So much more fun than "we are mirrors of one another." There are so many 12 step truisms, and I love them. I've been thinking of compiling a book of them...that would be a fun gift! Succinct self-help. xo
Nan, this is fascinating to me - these parts of us that take over to protect us somehow, that we have to then learn to outgrow. I’m really interested in this five year old and her learning to « not know » and get dirty ❤️
I love my 5-year-old gremlin. She's very much a part of me. It's my job to take care of her, and let her know she's safe. The gremlin arises out of my old fears. She thinks she's protecting me, but what may have been true in the past doesn't hold much truth anymore. xo
Ah yes! Bloody codependence! Resonantes. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Christiana. Codependence indeed. And a few other toxic ingredients mixed in, I think. Working on it every day. xo
Oof, so many familiar truths in here Nan!
Yup. And "oof" is right! I learned so much about myself and my behavior this past week IRL in my meeting, and more on writing about it. Thank you for reading and commenting, Cassidy!