35 Comments
User's avatar
According to Mimi's avatar

My problem is that I say yes when I am feeling a hard no. It's hard for me to disappoint someone. I'm working on it.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

I hear you. I did that, too. As a matter of fact, I'm writing an essay about that, hopefully for this coming Wednesday. xo!

Expand full comment
Marguerite Hinojosa's avatar

Great essay. I love the concept of looking on the flip side of my "no." Replace "why?" with "Why not." I've psyched myself out of doing too many things. So glad we're on the same path!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Why not??? LOVE you! xo

Expand full comment
Leslie Senevey's avatar

Yes to the yeses! And there's nothing better than doggie side eye.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Hazel had her side eye down. She was a pro. I tried to behave for her, really, I did! xo

Expand full comment
Debra Kelly's avatar

Your courage and honest vulnerability is inspirational!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, Debra! xo

Expand full comment
Kara Westerman (she/her)'s avatar

One of the dearest things about my late husband was that he started everything with a "No". But after you knew him for a while it was clear that he only did that to give himself time and the space to consider his options. A totally understandable response to the family he grew up in. In the end, you could convince him into "Yes!" And that was wonderful. To know eacother so well that we could do that dance with humor. Over and over.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Love that. I'm getting to a place now where I allow myself to pause, and even say to the person asking "I need to think about it a bit before I respond." I really like doing it that way. It's so different from my knee jerk no. xo

Expand full comment
Elizabeth Beggins's avatar

I love that you now ask yourself such straightforward questions: Where is my yes. Why is it hiding? Those are going stay with me! Thanks, Nan.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, Elizabeth. I'm learning. And I often have to be reminded. Have a beautiful day. xo

Expand full comment
Marilea C. Rabasa's avatar

Taking risks, allowing myself to fail at some things. I only learn from the mistakes I've made (if I'm lucky), Too much success just makes us arrogant, but I doin't have to worry about that. I'm too human!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Love! Me too. And in honesty, arrogance seem like just a cover for insecurity. What do you think? xo

Expand full comment
Marilea C. Rabasa's avatar

You're probably right about arrogance covering up insecurity. But when I'm around arrogant people, I could care less about their insecurity! It's such a turn off for me that I just run in the opposite direction. But now you've made me think. Maybe I could muster some compassion and empathy. Stick around. When I projected arrogance (in my youth!), I might have wanted others to stick around and look a little deeper. Thanks for helping me think a little more about this, Nan!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

It's true, it's definitely a turn off. It's hard sometimes to generate empathy when people are challenging or show their worst sides. I do battle with that all the time. My sponsor says "If you spot it, you got it." So whenever someone triggers me, my tendency is to take a step back (because of 12 Step work and a great therapist) and look at myself before I judge too harshly or at all. It's hard to mind my side of the street, but I practice. My therapist says there are two aspects to all of our behaviors. They come out of fear (which leads to anger, hatred, jealousy, greed) or love (which just generates more love and fearlessness). I choose love even when it's really hard to get there. xo

Expand full comment
Chris Stanton's avatar

I can so relate to the stubbornness and not wanting to ask for help. Because I CAN DO IT MYSELF. It finally dawned on me that that trait hadn’t been particularly helpful throughout my life. Hindsight, right?

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Exactly. Yes, hindsight. The runner up to foresight. Seems to be a trend for me. xo

Expand full comment
Heather's avatar

Beautiful. Raw and real. The “No” soul who sees another way to balance life with some “YES” I love this! So poignant.

I’ll pass this one on to my favorite sister as you have perfectly nailed the essence of this human condition.

**After I read it again and again. ☺️

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thank you! And thanks for sending it to your sister. You're very kind. xo

Expand full comment
Amrita Skye Blaine's avatar

Just beautiful.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, Amrita! xo

Expand full comment
Paulette Bodeman's avatar

The dance of yes and no-no. I understand the foundation of that, no, the feeling of not being good enough, of failing, and how that somehow made me a badly flawed human. Here's to saying yes and sometimes tripping on our feet but taking those steps anyway.

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

And for not being afraid to say no when that's what we need to do. I love my yeses AND my nos. How are you, lovely Paulette? xo

Expand full comment
Paulette Bodeman's avatar

Most definitely, Nan. It's taken me years to follow the yeses and nos. And still learning.

Expand full comment
Anita Charney's avatar

From NancyNoNo to NancyGoGo❤️ (does anyone call you Nancy?)

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Nope, except from the occasional slip made by mother (she gets a pass, she named me), most people in my current life only know me as Nan. I had it legally changed about 10 years ago! xo

Expand full comment
Cathy Joseph's avatar

I love that curiosity opened a doorway for you to get to yes, Nan! It is an underrated way of being and is so enriching. Well done on bringing such positive change into your life!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thanks, lovey. xo

Expand full comment
Rona Maynard's avatar

You’re right about the power of “yes.” It unlocks joy and possibility. That said, I must speak up for “no.” It’s the great protector, your shield against manipulation. Some of my most transformative moments are about the power of “no.”

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Oh, I never gave up my love affair with "no." I'm still committed, but I apply much greater discernment when I choose its use. No is powerful, for sure, and very important part of my toolbox. And I don't think that Nancy Yes-Yes is nearly as appealing! xo

Expand full comment
Barbara McKenzie's avatar

I applaud your decison to say YES! It certainly requires courage to step out of one's comfort zone. I have trouble coming out of mine, as well. I dig my stubborn heals to keep myself safe. You inspire me to move through difficult emotions and say YES!

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

Thank you, Barbara. xo

Expand full comment
Ann Cooper's avatar

Wow. You’ve come a long way. Isn’t saying ‘yes’ much more fun! Keep going, girl! Xx

Expand full comment
Nan Tepper's avatar

It's been a long life. Happy I caught on, but still very clear about the "nos" as well! xo

Expand full comment