What was supposed to be a stopgap measure became a 19-year-long dependency that supported my well-being at times, but also affected my confidence and my ability to fend for myself.
Wow, Nan, powerful, beautiful, evocatively spare and simple writing...to offset a deeply emotional vulnerable and touching story. They bravery it takes to talk about this stuff...and it keeps so many people stuck in silence and ashamed.
Hi Sue, thank you for reading my essay and for your very kind comment. I have a lot of stories from my life that I want to share because I need to tell them and want readers to take away that there's really nothing to be ashamed of. It's okay to need and ask for help. I've struggled a lot in my life, but I've never given up the work of healing and growing. We need to tell each other our stories. I believe that's where authentic healing comes from. xoxo
1000% yes! It's a key part of why I wrote the book I did...and you've just inspired me to put up an older piece of writing of mine here on Substack...I'll tag you when it's done. And...no should/obligation...of ANY kind!
Haha. Yes, the book is that story...told in full :) But this post is about you...and your beautiful sharing of such a tender, human story...that is too often hidden. Because we feel too ashamed. And yet telling them is EXACTLY how we help ourselves and others to not be ashamed.
Nan! The pic of Miss Robinson. It's so life-changing when you connect with someone in this way... when you know you've turned a corner and life is about to change. What a moment. Thanks for sharing!!
Wow, Nan. This is terrific. Such a great moment you reached through your own determination and strength! And so well told. I love the photograph you took to commemorate it.
Nan, another fabulous post. Thank you for sharing this. A beautiful picture of the deep and abiding toll depression can take and of courage and persistence and of the gift of a creative life. ♥️🔥
Thank you, Holly. It means a lot to hear you say this. Your support is particularly special to me as I'm a great fan of your writing. Hope we collide in a conversation soon! xo
Isn't it funny that the government gets to assess our level of disability AND our level of ability to determine whether benefits are warranted, even when we are presenting our most honest and, at times, desperate, or healthy selves. I am heartened by your integrity and inspired by your healing. I hope I remember this in February, to congratulate you on 10 years of self sufficiency. It's a tremendous milestone. Also - I will never volunteer to have my picture taken behind a bullet proof piece of plexiglass. Just sayin'.
Thanks, Jess. I hear what you're saying. I agree, and yet, I'm grateful the government has any programs in place at all to help even a little when we're struggling. I just wish we didn't have to jump through the multitude of hoops set up to get that support. It gets harder and harder all the time to gain access. It sucks for people. It's almost 30 years since I first needed that help, and it was so much easier to get aid. So sad for people who really need it. And the powers that be don't even respect the word of our personal practitioners who know us and our situations, deferring instead to their own hired "experts" to assess whether our applications are legit enough. GRRRRRRR. And thank you for the thought of congratulating me on 10 years in advance! When I looked at the calendar before publishing this piece and realized it's been that long, I was thrilled. xoxo All the best to you, Jess!
It does suck that we can't be the experts on ourselves. I can only imagine the humility it takes to ask for that kind of help and to be evaluated not as a person but against a set of criteria is humiliating, which is not the same thing. I'm excited to pre-celebrate your milestone with you!
Yes. I believe that in a way, she was taking care of me. I could never work in an environment like that. The rules and regulations can, and often do strip away the employees' humanity. I think she still had hers, as I watched her soften at my request for a photo, and my declaration that I was happy to be done. I have enormous respect for people who become "lifers" for a pension. Truly. What a stifling existence that could be. And when she retires, she'll have some security. I don't have that, because for that almost 20 year period, I wasn't earning to contribute to my SS future. My nut will be meager.
It was funny, but I didn't laugh. I tucked myself in, contained my mirth, and let her do her job. I believe she was looking out for me. I wish the photo was better, but for the first time in all these years when I looked it, I saw my reflection in the glass. I'd never noticed it before! xo
Yours is a marvellous attitude. Congratulations. For so many, the support becomes the drug they just can't stop, and then it becomes their entitlement, dictating their approach to life. Governments support, but also enable these feelings. We all should be so lucky as to not want to need them!
Thank you for your comment. I have mixed feelings about the machine. There are people who desperately need aid, and more than the government provides. I think there are less people taking advantage of the system than is believed. It's demoralizing, and it's hard to extract oneself, because making the transition can be very rocky. I think we owe one another care and support, and I also think the government could do a lot better supporting folks with extra needs. Life is hard for everyone. When I received benefits they were a blessing, but I certainly wasn't living a life of luxury. Compassion must be the thing we lead with. I think you and I agree on the fundamentals. Getting help can be hard habit to break. But people who need it forever should have it forever. I was lucky. Really lucky.
No worries. It's an important conversation to have and I felt like you and I were having a conversation. Obviously, I was in that system for so long that I've formed a lot of opinions about it. And during one of my trial work periods I was employed by a local non-profit doing street outreach to people who needed a lot of support, because of poverty, substance use disorders, mental illness, and overall disenfranchisement. I was doing HIV/AIDS education work, and spent a lot of time escorting clients to our local social services agencies to serve as a witness, so that the clients wouldn't be too intimidated to get help. The whole system is pretty messed up. The needy need, and the workers who are hired to case manage are overworked and definitely underpaid. It's quite a bad state of affairs, but at least there's something.
No welfare system is perfect, and unfortunately everyone's situation is different enough that the round peg doesn't always fit, even in the round hole. It's terrible that the people who so desperately want to help others get bogged down by bureaucracy and limited resources. There are government departments that are bloated and others that are malnourished, and the people who make the decisions as to where the money goes will probably never know what it's like to really need help.
And I was just reading the quote on your profile: "A pessimist sees difficulty at every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty." Winston Churchill I LOVE THAT. That's what's happened with me in my recovery. Everything I'm faced with in life is an opportunity for growth, especially the harder things. What can I learn here?
Dear Nan, thank you for the beautiful courage you display in sharing your emancipation. What an amazing journey. As someone who also has lived through depression, panic attacks, anxiety, and is also a single adult woman, the ability to realize we are able to take care of ourselves is enormous. It is freeing and magical. Many kudos and loud woo hoo, you go girls are being sent out in your direction.
Know that if ever you need reassurance of your greatness, all you need do is ask any of the rest of us single women, 💕
Thank you for sharing that about yourself. I've wanted to tell the stories of my experience with depression, navigating the mental health care (?) system, and learning how to build a satisfying life. This was a big reveal for me. I've been building up to it gradually, making sure I'm in a good place and clear about my purpose for doing it. I want people to know that we can deal with and recover from all challenges. Life's work! xo
I was a single mom at 19 and needed to be on public assistance, aka Welfare. It was the early 1990's and the welfare program was in the political spotlight. Negative terms, like "Welfare Mother," whispered shame in the back of my mind.
Still, I needed to survive. My son needed to survive. Besides a very small amount of money and food stamps, the program paid for my medical care so I could get counseling for my childhood trauma, and for my childcare so I could go to college. I didn't want to stay on welfare, but without an education, I'd struggle to find a job to provide what I needed AND pay for childcare. Without therapy, I would have failed all of it, trapped in the vicious cycle of generational trauma.
I was able to get childcare and attend community college. I was able to graduate with 3 AAS degrees in Natural Resources and obtain a job with the USDA Forest Service. The day I graduated, I called my case worker and told him I no longer needed benefits. He was confused, then offered to give me a stipend for my logger boots required by the job. I passed on the offer, since I had already used a portion of my student loans to purchase some. He told me he was so proud of me and wished me luck.
Today, I make a good living as an IT Applications Administrator, landing in IT at the right time to grow and learn with it. (I am still working on figuring out how to write full-time.) That little boy is 34 years old and still proud of his mama.
Thank you, Nan, for sharing your Emancipation story so I could share a tiny bit of mine.
Oh, Michele! Thank you for so generously sharing your story here. The sentence "That little boy is 34 years old and still proud of his mama" made me cry. I'm proud of you, too. You made a life for yourself and your boy. xo
It’s so good to write. My life has become so much richer as a result of not resisting it anymore. Thank you for the lovely nod re: my stories. Who else do you like to read?
Thanks for asking, Nan. I didn't answer right away because I wanted to think about it. I read a lot of different things because I believe diversity in voices matters for my personal enrichment. I reviewed my notes and my subs/recommendations and will tell you who, besides you, has touched me in the past few weeks:
@ooakramona Ramona Jan - new to SS but has a powerful piece published by Memoir-land this week titled MRI of a Rose. I instantly subscribed.
@fidgetsandfries Tiffany "Tiffy" Hammond - a powerful autistic black voice. She also published a powerful piece for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (which I am trying to highlight in my notes and in my DVAM month published essay.)
@bardette Kate McGunagle - her visuals are so powerful. Also loved her DVAM post yesterday.
@lauralentz Laura Lenz - she has the most delicious memoir voice, seriously
@eveywinters Evey Winters - a powerful voice on both the trans experience and disassociative identity disorder due to trauma
@thig Thig - a fabulous animator and hilarious writer who brings a dose of joy to my reading stack
Please note: I am only a few months in on SS and am looking for new voices to read every day. This is in no way my exclusive list of favorites. This is just a sampling of others you may/may not have come across.
Thank you for sharing this tender and brave essay Nan 💜 And Miss Robinson - I can hear the clicity-clack of the scary green nails. So cool you have the pic.
I think I reminded myself of my mother. She takes photos of everything and everyone. It's good for my memory files! Sending you love and congrats on the new stack name! xo
Thank you, Marguerite. It was almost a third of my life. I have nothing but gratitude (and maybe some sadness, still) about the trajectory of my life. I think that's a big deal and an indication of growth. I was one of the lucky ones. I had resources, the support of a family who loved me, and friends all around. Depression, anxiety, C-PTSD are tough, and not impossible to heal from, understand, and transcend. Program is a big part of that transformation, but I was already doing the work before I came in to the rooms.
This is great, Nan - what an amazing story of healing!
Thanks, Troy! xoNan
Wow, Nan, powerful, beautiful, evocatively spare and simple writing...to offset a deeply emotional vulnerable and touching story. They bravery it takes to talk about this stuff...and it keeps so many people stuck in silence and ashamed.
Hi Sue, thank you for reading my essay and for your very kind comment. I have a lot of stories from my life that I want to share because I need to tell them and want readers to take away that there's really nothing to be ashamed of. It's okay to need and ask for help. I've struggled a lot in my life, but I've never given up the work of healing and growing. We need to tell each other our stories. I believe that's where authentic healing comes from. xoxo
1000% yes! It's a key part of why I wrote the book I did...and you've just inspired me to put up an older piece of writing of mine here on Substack...I'll tag you when it's done. And...no should/obligation...of ANY kind!
I definitely want to read it the older piece, and now I'm thinking I should read your book, too! xo
Haha. Yes, the book is that story...told in full :) But this post is about you...and your beautiful sharing of such a tender, human story...that is too often hidden. Because we feel too ashamed. And yet telling them is EXACTLY how we help ourselves and others to not be ashamed.
YUP! xo
Nan! The pic of Miss Robinson. It's so life-changing when you connect with someone in this way... when you know you've turned a corner and life is about to change. What a moment. Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you! Yes. Life had to change. It was time. I’m so happy I have that photo. I’m very sentimental. And I kind of love that about me. xoxo
Wow, Nan. This is terrific. Such a great moment you reached through your own determination and strength! And so well told. I love the photograph you took to commemorate it.
Hooray for you!
Thanks, Abby! xo
Nan, another fabulous post. Thank you for sharing this. A beautiful picture of the deep and abiding toll depression can take and of courage and persistence and of the gift of a creative life. ♥️🔥
Thank you, Holly. It means a lot to hear you say this. Your support is particularly special to me as I'm a great fan of your writing. Hope we collide in a conversation soon! xo
Yes! I plan to reach out shortly!!
Yay! Can't wait. Looking forward to it.
Wow. Powerful! A TNWWYATNW moment!
Thanks, Kelly. I guess it is. xo
Isn't it funny that the government gets to assess our level of disability AND our level of ability to determine whether benefits are warranted, even when we are presenting our most honest and, at times, desperate, or healthy selves. I am heartened by your integrity and inspired by your healing. I hope I remember this in February, to congratulate you on 10 years of self sufficiency. It's a tremendous milestone. Also - I will never volunteer to have my picture taken behind a bullet proof piece of plexiglass. Just sayin'.
Thanks, Jess. I hear what you're saying. I agree, and yet, I'm grateful the government has any programs in place at all to help even a little when we're struggling. I just wish we didn't have to jump through the multitude of hoops set up to get that support. It gets harder and harder all the time to gain access. It sucks for people. It's almost 30 years since I first needed that help, and it was so much easier to get aid. So sad for people who really need it. And the powers that be don't even respect the word of our personal practitioners who know us and our situations, deferring instead to their own hired "experts" to assess whether our applications are legit enough. GRRRRRRR. And thank you for the thought of congratulating me on 10 years in advance! When I looked at the calendar before publishing this piece and realized it's been that long, I was thrilled. xoxo All the best to you, Jess!
It does suck that we can't be the experts on ourselves. I can only imagine the humility it takes to ask for that kind of help and to be evaluated not as a person but against a set of criteria is humiliating, which is not the same thing. I'm excited to pre-celebrate your milestone with you!
Thank you, Jess!
And I LOVED that you took her picture. And what that meant.
I love that I have her photo. Whenever I see it, it makes me smile!
I cracked up when she told you - who were you to determine whether or not you still needed benefits. Systems! What/who they create.❤️
Yes. I believe that in a way, she was taking care of me. I could never work in an environment like that. The rules and regulations can, and often do strip away the employees' humanity. I think she still had hers, as I watched her soften at my request for a photo, and my declaration that I was happy to be done. I have enormous respect for people who become "lifers" for a pension. Truly. What a stifling existence that could be. And when she retires, she'll have some security. I don't have that, because for that almost 20 year period, I wasn't earning to contribute to my SS future. My nut will be meager.
This is SO good. What a perfect snapshot, and perfectly told. Thank you for sharing yourself.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Seth! I love sharing myself, it seems. xo
“You don’t tell us when you’re finished. WE tell YOU when you’re finished.” That is hilarious. And the photograph is brilliant.
It was funny, but I didn't laugh. I tucked myself in, contained my mirth, and let her do her job. I believe she was looking out for me. I wish the photo was better, but for the first time in all these years when I looked it, I saw my reflection in the glass. I'd never noticed it before! xo
Yours is a marvellous attitude. Congratulations. For so many, the support becomes the drug they just can't stop, and then it becomes their entitlement, dictating their approach to life. Governments support, but also enable these feelings. We all should be so lucky as to not want to need them!
Thank you for your comment. I have mixed feelings about the machine. There are people who desperately need aid, and more than the government provides. I think there are less people taking advantage of the system than is believed. It's demoralizing, and it's hard to extract oneself, because making the transition can be very rocky. I think we owe one another care and support, and I also think the government could do a lot better supporting folks with extra needs. Life is hard for everyone. When I received benefits they were a blessing, but I certainly wasn't living a life of luxury. Compassion must be the thing we lead with. I think you and I agree on the fundamentals. Getting help can be hard habit to break. But people who need it forever should have it forever. I was lucky. Really lucky.
Absolutely agree that there are exceptions to my blanket statement and it was remiss of me not to say so the first time.
No worries. It's an important conversation to have and I felt like you and I were having a conversation. Obviously, I was in that system for so long that I've formed a lot of opinions about it. And during one of my trial work periods I was employed by a local non-profit doing street outreach to people who needed a lot of support, because of poverty, substance use disorders, mental illness, and overall disenfranchisement. I was doing HIV/AIDS education work, and spent a lot of time escorting clients to our local social services agencies to serve as a witness, so that the clients wouldn't be too intimidated to get help. The whole system is pretty messed up. The needy need, and the workers who are hired to case manage are overworked and definitely underpaid. It's quite a bad state of affairs, but at least there's something.
No welfare system is perfect, and unfortunately everyone's situation is different enough that the round peg doesn't always fit, even in the round hole. It's terrible that the people who so desperately want to help others get bogged down by bureaucracy and limited resources. There are government departments that are bloated and others that are malnourished, and the people who make the decisions as to where the money goes will probably never know what it's like to really need help.
I agree! It's very challenging. And unfortunately, I think there's less of a moral compass guiding decisions than there used to be...but not sure.
And I was just reading the quote on your profile: "A pessimist sees difficulty at every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty." Winston Churchill I LOVE THAT. That's what's happened with me in my recovery. Everything I'm faced with in life is an opportunity for growth, especially the harder things. What can I learn here?
Dear Nan, thank you for the beautiful courage you display in sharing your emancipation. What an amazing journey. As someone who also has lived through depression, panic attacks, anxiety, and is also a single adult woman, the ability to realize we are able to take care of ourselves is enormous. It is freeing and magical. Many kudos and loud woo hoo, you go girls are being sent out in your direction.
Know that if ever you need reassurance of your greatness, all you need do is ask any of the rest of us single women, 💕
Thank you for sharing that about yourself. I've wanted to tell the stories of my experience with depression, navigating the mental health care (?) system, and learning how to build a satisfying life. This was a big reveal for me. I've been building up to it gradually, making sure I'm in a good place and clear about my purpose for doing it. I want people to know that we can deal with and recover from all challenges. Life's work! xo
I was a single mom at 19 and needed to be on public assistance, aka Welfare. It was the early 1990's and the welfare program was in the political spotlight. Negative terms, like "Welfare Mother," whispered shame in the back of my mind.
Still, I needed to survive. My son needed to survive. Besides a very small amount of money and food stamps, the program paid for my medical care so I could get counseling for my childhood trauma, and for my childcare so I could go to college. I didn't want to stay on welfare, but without an education, I'd struggle to find a job to provide what I needed AND pay for childcare. Without therapy, I would have failed all of it, trapped in the vicious cycle of generational trauma.
I was able to get childcare and attend community college. I was able to graduate with 3 AAS degrees in Natural Resources and obtain a job with the USDA Forest Service. The day I graduated, I called my case worker and told him I no longer needed benefits. He was confused, then offered to give me a stipend for my logger boots required by the job. I passed on the offer, since I had already used a portion of my student loans to purchase some. He told me he was so proud of me and wished me luck.
Today, I make a good living as an IT Applications Administrator, landing in IT at the right time to grow and learn with it. (I am still working on figuring out how to write full-time.) That little boy is 34 years old and still proud of his mama.
Thank you, Nan, for sharing your Emancipation story so I could share a tiny bit of mine.
Oh, Michele! Thank you for so generously sharing your story here. The sentence "That little boy is 34 years old and still proud of his mama" made me cry. I'm proud of you, too. You made a life for yourself and your boy. xo
I am proud of you, too, Nan. ♥
I've been thinking about your comment for hours. I'm so moved by your story.
Oh, thank you, friend. Your stories move me every time I read them. Yours, and so many others, inspire me to pen my own on a regular basis.
It’s so good to write. My life has become so much richer as a result of not resisting it anymore. Thank you for the lovely nod re: my stories. Who else do you like to read?
Thanks for asking, Nan. I didn't answer right away because I wanted to think about it. I read a lot of different things because I believe diversity in voices matters for my personal enrichment. I reviewed my notes and my subs/recommendations and will tell you who, besides you, has touched me in the past few weeks:
@ooakramona Ramona Jan - new to SS but has a powerful piece published by Memoir-land this week titled MRI of a Rose. I instantly subscribed.
@fidgetsandfries Tiffany "Tiffy" Hammond - a powerful autistic black voice. She also published a powerful piece for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (which I am trying to highlight in my notes and in my DVAM month published essay.)
@bardette Kate McGunagle - her visuals are so powerful. Also loved her DVAM post yesterday.
@lauralentz Laura Lenz - she has the most delicious memoir voice, seriously
@eveywinters Evey Winters - a powerful voice on both the trans experience and disassociative identity disorder due to trauma
@thig Thig - a fabulous animator and hilarious writer who brings a dose of joy to my reading stack
Please note: I am only a few months in on SS and am looking for new voices to read every day. This is in no way my exclusive list of favorites. This is just a sampling of others you may/may not have come across.
Thank you for sharing this tender and brave essay Nan 💜 And Miss Robinson - I can hear the clicity-clack of the scary green nails. So cool you have the pic.
I think I reminded myself of my mother. She takes photos of everything and everyone. It's good for my memory files! Sending you love and congrats on the new stack name! xo
Wow. Remarkable story! I so respect your journey! Your point of view on what it means to be on Disability is unique and wonderful!
Thank you, Marguerite. It was almost a third of my life. I have nothing but gratitude (and maybe some sadness, still) about the trajectory of my life. I think that's a big deal and an indication of growth. I was one of the lucky ones. I had resources, the support of a family who loved me, and friends all around. Depression, anxiety, C-PTSD are tough, and not impossible to heal from, understand, and transcend. Program is a big part of that transformation, but I was already doing the work before I came in to the rooms.