How you painted this picture with such an economy of words puts your gifts on display - What a journey to take us on, a sensory nightmare (my hand is actually hurting from the IVs) that offers at least more than once connection to each reader. Brilliant.
Thank you for sharing your personal pain and very difficult story with us. I understand more now.
Wow, Nan. I wanted to carve out time to read this properly and I just have. Astonishing. I know you hesitated about whether to talk so personally about such a painful time, but you have done it in such a sure-footed way that I can't imagine you have any regrets now. There's such a singing clarity here. I visited a friend in a psychiatric hospital last year after she had attempted suicide. The atmosphere was very much as you described. Bravissima!!! xx
Thank you, lovely Christina. Your feedback means a lot to me, and you're right, I have no regrets about publishing this essay. Thanks a million, my friend. I'm reading The Art of Not Falling Apart right now. It's excellent, I'm enjoying it immensely. Hope to visit soon! xo
My absolute pleasure, Nan. I'm thrilled that you're reading and enjoying The Art of Not Falling Apart. And if you do visit, it would be wonderful to see you! xx
As a retired registered nurse who spent time working in psychiatry, I applaud you, Nan, for your very brave post. We were all there with you as we read your words. Your essay perfectly captures the fragility and vulnerability you experienced at such a very difficult time in your life. But it is not only the essay. In the comments you explain further, ever conscious of the need for readers to understand the treatment you were receiving and the impact it had on your recovery. Every comment is given your full attention and you are mindful and so supportive of the experiences of others. You are a wonderful advocate, Nan, for the importance of mental health, for the need for its profile to be raised, and for the care of patients to be properly funded.
It’s taken me a few days to pinpoint just what had so moved me in this piece. I’d read it a couple of times, then I saw it: “I never know who or what I’ll get. Some of them scare me. They’re so unhinged.” How thoroughly dehumanizing, to put people who are already so fragile, so vulnerable, into close quarters, in the intimate space of a “bedroom”, with no regard for who is being tossed in with whom. Your essay is daringly personal and also throws wide open a door to so much of what is wrong about the way our society handles mental health and the people who are suffering from and struggling with the many varied mental illnesses that haunt us. Thank you.
Deidre, thank you for taking the time to read it more than once, and to let it simmer before responding. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I need to write about the experiences I've had in the system. It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do believe at least in my case, that the people who run these programs probably have their hands tied to a great extent. Everyone on psych unit is fragile, you have that right. But overall, I'm good with having been there. I think it's what I needed at the time, for various reasons, not the least of which was my lack of agency and my ability to say no to things that were happening in my life at the time of my hospitalization. I didn't think I could do that, so instead of standing up for myself, I gave in to the encroaching depression and ran with it (not deliberately on the surface of things, but I think subconsciously) because it was the only way I knew how to opt out of hard circumstances. I got sick. High price to pay, but it's led to eventual healing, and I know that being in the hospital, receiving ECT was part of my process of recovering. It's complicated! Love to you, my dear. xo
Thank you, Natalie. I want it to be that for others. A safe place where the things that are sometimes shame-filled to be treated frankly, and with compassion. xoN!
As someone whose son spent three months in a psych hospital but has never gone into great detail about things like ECT, I hung on every word here. Thank you for sharing your story, Nan.
Oh, Debby, wow. I'm glad to be able to share it with you. Reach out if you ever want to chat. You can DM me if you like. I was in the hospital for a little more than two months at the time of the story. That was the longest. I hope your son is doing well. xo
Oh Nan, this was a difficult read in that it was reading about your suffering and indifferent care in your mental health treatment (except for that one wonderful nurse) but oh so brave to let us see into this world. I am more compassionate for the time I’ve spent here with you. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Amy. There were several people working on the unit who were caring and present. I can't imagine what it must be like to work in an environment such as a psych unit. It's challenging. Barbara was great, Sal was great, and there were a few others who I remember fondly, though, after 15 years, I have forgotten their names. Talking about the hard stuff. It has to happen, for all of us to gain compassion, I think, and to speak to pre-conceived or possibly inaccurate takes on what ECT is like, what's it's capable of fixing, and what the "cons" are. And just so you know, I was in one of the superior hospitals in NYC. My story was bleak, because I was bleak. xo
Sometimes, I don't have enough emotional chutzpah to read these pieces and I have to come back again on another day when my heart can take it. I don't know this world, but I'm coming to know some of you, and it both horrifies and saddens me that you were ever here. At the same time, I'm so deeply touched by the small kindnesses you encountered - Sal's proficiency, Barbara's routines. I can only imagine how much those mattered. Thank you for the brave it takes to share this.
Thanks, Jess for reading it, even when challenging. I'm glad you take the space you need to tend to your heart. We all go through different hard experiences. It wasn't a great experience for sure, as experiences go, but it was an important part of my life path. I needed the help, I needed to be there. And I needed the treatment, until I didn't anymore. And thank the goddesses for the treasures I discovered in Sal and Barbara. There were a couple of other folks there who were also wonderful, but 15 years later, their names escape me, but their actions are remembered with gratitude. I'm so very glad you don't know this world. Love to you, my friend. xo
Thank you for this beautiful & almost poetic piece, Nan.
I’ve been an inpatient thrice in my long journey (33, 5, and 1 year ago), but only started ECT this past NYE, as an outpatient. So much of what you write resonates.
The nurses are the ones who calmed me the first couple of treatments, as my anxiety was off the charts between the underlying issues I was dealing with & the fears I had about “barbaric” practices & general anaesthesia.
For me, my constant tether to routine was ECT nurse Carol, whose mantra was “cold & gritty, wet & stinky” as she prepped my head for the ECT & EEG leads. Just simple and kind reminders which became my touchstone, before “this may burn” and being out no more than 3 seconds later.
14 sessions later, I was & am a changed man, at long last. Not without cognitive side effects, but also free from demons that have beset me for over 4 decades.
ECT has given me a new lease of the life I have remaining, and my family one as well.
As for those nurses, I’ve written the hospital twice to give them lengthy and effusive praise. And I’ll never forget the efforts of all the team members, as each had a role in this crucial leap forward in my recovery.
DC, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and all of us in this forum. The nurses. I too, wrote letters after I was released from their care. ECT is intense for sure, but the stigma is more intense, I think. I'm so glad the treatment worked for you. It does save lives. Nothing is perfect, I'd do it again, if need be, but not before looking into other possibilities first. The more we share our stories, the more people will know that what they thought was the truth may not be so. I was in the hospital for a little more than 2 months. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary. The last 15 years, in general were for me to claim my life. But the last 4 or so have been the best years of my life to date. Please stay connected to me, if you like. All the best to you. xo
Another something we have in common. I sat down and tried to recall all the times I've slept on crinkly, vinyl mattresses and I scratched out the dates. I decided I'd rather comment on your amazing post than attempt to get the actual number of inpatient hospitalizations for mental health "correct" for me. I think it's fourteen.
I sweat and I have a hard time breathing naturally as I read your account. I never had ECT. My nemesis was always depression's counterpart, mania. I wrote a book about it, how I kicked its ass. The day I hit send on the manuscript to publish, I cracked again. And twice since.
I finally found somatic therapy, a trauma-based therapist, and an understanding of C-PTSD. I'm working really hard on my regret for what those hospitalizations did to me and the effects on my four kids.
With the bravery and skill you show in writing about your experiences, you offer to hold my hand. The hands of all of us who have been there, and those who empathize with us. It's in sharing these stories and getting people to realize we can transcend the experience to live productive, vibrant lives that gives me hope. Keep telling your story, Nan. You do it well and you help so many other people, like me, feel seen.
Colleen, your words made me cry. Yes, to all of it. "I finally found somatic therapy, a trauma-based therapist, and an understanding of C-PTSD" That's what I'm doing, too. All of my helpers have helped, and as I go forward in my life, I need to advance to different modes of healing and inquiry. I'm curious about my feelings now, and not so afraid of them anymore. And I see possibility where none existed for me for many years. I've worked really hard setting myself free from the hold of being what was beginning to resemble a full time job of being a professional patient. For some reason I clung to the belief that I would never be well. I don't want to regard myself that way anymore. I don't regard myself that way anymore. When I became ready to let that go, it was because I discovered it was a false belief. We're all shining beings, and sometimes we get a little tarnish on us that needs to be polished. We can let our light out and share it with the world. We're lucky we were able to access help. A lot of people aren't so fortunate. Hugs to you, my friend. Thank you for sharing this part of you with me. xo
I have witnessed one of my closest friends going through this for the last few months. Overmedicated, living in psych ward. ECT, used as a last resort, is what finally helped her, and the difference was immediate and profound.
YUP. It absolutely works. But it's challenging and most patients do have to contend with short term memory loss at the very least. That's hard for anyone, but as a writer, I'm so grateful for the memory I do have. And as I age, it's hard to tease memory stuff that can be a natural part of aging vs. side effects of the treatments. I have actually recommended to people I knew/know who were struggling. And yes, immediate and profound change. The problem with being depressed and feeling hopeless is that we often (we as in me, and what I've observed in others) don't always have the ability to make the best choice while in inactive illness. Sometimes you have to cound on a good care team, friends and family to help you do the next right thing. I'm glad your friend found relief. That's a blessing. xo
the advocacy you're doing, and that she now wants to use her work to do too, is so important. The word "depression" can describe so many different things and I think it can be hard to understand just how devastating it can be, on a not only psychological but physical level.
I really understand that. I never thought anybody could get how hard it was. Give her as much time as she needs. I’m here if she wants to read. And if she wants to reach out always available for an exchange of experiences and I’m a listener. xo
Exactly. It takes a tremendous toll on our bodies. Would it be appropriate for you to share my essay with your friend? Or is too close to her situation right now? I would to share it because it might be relatable, but it took me years to be ready to tell it. I've always wanted to share this. xo
I do want to share it with her. Just giving her a little time, it's all very fresh. I did tell her about you and some of the other things you've written on the subject though, but at that point she was unable to comprehend that anyone could understand.
Agreed. I have PTSD from breast cancer aftermath and am on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. I've also had EMDR. I'm very lucky that I can carve out a quality life.
Right? We are lucky. I never forget that. I'm in therapy for C-PTSD, and am using a modality that helps release stored trauma/energy in the body. It's been immeasurable helpful combined with 12 Step for trauma. We are indeed fortunate. And, experiencing mental illness has made me a more compassionate human being. xo
How you painted this picture with such an economy of words puts your gifts on display - What a journey to take us on, a sensory nightmare (my hand is actually hurting from the IVs) that offers at least more than once connection to each reader. Brilliant.
Thank you for sharing your personal pain and very difficult story with us. I understand more now.
Thank you, Mimi. I've been wanting to tell this story for quite a while. I wasn't ready until it was just the right time. xo
Wow, Nan. I wanted to carve out time to read this properly and I just have. Astonishing. I know you hesitated about whether to talk so personally about such a painful time, but you have done it in such a sure-footed way that I can't imagine you have any regrets now. There's such a singing clarity here. I visited a friend in a psychiatric hospital last year after she had attempted suicide. The atmosphere was very much as you described. Bravissima!!! xx
Thank you, lovely Christina. Your feedback means a lot to me, and you're right, I have no regrets about publishing this essay. Thanks a million, my friend. I'm reading The Art of Not Falling Apart right now. It's excellent, I'm enjoying it immensely. Hope to visit soon! xo
My absolute pleasure, Nan. I'm thrilled that you're reading and enjoying The Art of Not Falling Apart. And if you do visit, it would be wonderful to see you! xx
Oh, a trip to the UK! I just meant on Zoom, but the UK would be fabulous. xo
Ah!! I was a bit surprised. A translation issue! But I’ll always be very happy to see you on Zoom or IRL. Xx
Excellent! xo
Your memory and the way you share it with us is astounding! I want to fond Barbara and give her a big hug!
Thanks, Marguerite! I wish I could give her a hug, too. And let her know how much well I'm doing these days. xo
Amazing!
As a retired registered nurse who spent time working in psychiatry, I applaud you, Nan, for your very brave post. We were all there with you as we read your words. Your essay perfectly captures the fragility and vulnerability you experienced at such a very difficult time in your life. But it is not only the essay. In the comments you explain further, ever conscious of the need for readers to understand the treatment you were receiving and the impact it had on your recovery. Every comment is given your full attention and you are mindful and so supportive of the experiences of others. You are a wonderful advocate, Nan, for the importance of mental health, for the need for its profile to be raised, and for the care of patients to be properly funded.
It’s taken me a few days to pinpoint just what had so moved me in this piece. I’d read it a couple of times, then I saw it: “I never know who or what I’ll get. Some of them scare me. They’re so unhinged.” How thoroughly dehumanizing, to put people who are already so fragile, so vulnerable, into close quarters, in the intimate space of a “bedroom”, with no regard for who is being tossed in with whom. Your essay is daringly personal and also throws wide open a door to so much of what is wrong about the way our society handles mental health and the people who are suffering from and struggling with the many varied mental illnesses that haunt us. Thank you.
Deidre, thank you for taking the time to read it more than once, and to let it simmer before responding. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. I need to write about the experiences I've had in the system. It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do believe at least in my case, that the people who run these programs probably have their hands tied to a great extent. Everyone on psych unit is fragile, you have that right. But overall, I'm good with having been there. I think it's what I needed at the time, for various reasons, not the least of which was my lack of agency and my ability to say no to things that were happening in my life at the time of my hospitalization. I didn't think I could do that, so instead of standing up for myself, I gave in to the encroaching depression and ran with it (not deliberately on the surface of things, but I think subconsciously) because it was the only way I knew how to opt out of hard circumstances. I got sick. High price to pay, but it's led to eventual healing, and I know that being in the hospital, receiving ECT was part of my process of recovering. It's complicated! Love to you, my dear. xo
I admire your generosity. You have built a shelter for others with your honesty and that is no small thing! xoN
Thank you, Natalie. I want it to be that for others. A safe place where the things that are sometimes shame-filled to be treated frankly, and with compassion. xoN!
And, thanks for restacking!
I don’t know what to say. I don’t even remember how I got here but I know I got lost in your writing.
Thanks. I think I will.
Super! xo
Hi Judi, I'm glad you got here, however you found me, and this essay. Please stick around! xo
As someone whose son spent three months in a psych hospital but has never gone into great detail about things like ECT, I hung on every word here. Thank you for sharing your story, Nan.
Oh, Debby, wow. I'm glad to be able to share it with you. Reach out if you ever want to chat. You can DM me if you like. I was in the hospital for a little more than two months at the time of the story. That was the longest. I hope your son is doing well. xo
Oh Nan, this was a difficult read in that it was reading about your suffering and indifferent care in your mental health treatment (except for that one wonderful nurse) but oh so brave to let us see into this world. I am more compassionate for the time I’ve spent here with you. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Amy. There were several people working on the unit who were caring and present. I can't imagine what it must be like to work in an environment such as a psych unit. It's challenging. Barbara was great, Sal was great, and there were a few others who I remember fondly, though, after 15 years, I have forgotten their names. Talking about the hard stuff. It has to happen, for all of us to gain compassion, I think, and to speak to pre-conceived or possibly inaccurate takes on what ECT is like, what's it's capable of fixing, and what the "cons" are. And just so you know, I was in one of the superior hospitals in NYC. My story was bleak, because I was bleak. xo
And I have the fullest compassion for why you felt bleak, my friend.💗
Sometimes, I don't have enough emotional chutzpah to read these pieces and I have to come back again on another day when my heart can take it. I don't know this world, but I'm coming to know some of you, and it both horrifies and saddens me that you were ever here. At the same time, I'm so deeply touched by the small kindnesses you encountered - Sal's proficiency, Barbara's routines. I can only imagine how much those mattered. Thank you for the brave it takes to share this.
Thanks, Jess for reading it, even when challenging. I'm glad you take the space you need to tend to your heart. We all go through different hard experiences. It wasn't a great experience for sure, as experiences go, but it was an important part of my life path. I needed the help, I needed to be there. And I needed the treatment, until I didn't anymore. And thank the goddesses for the treasures I discovered in Sal and Barbara. There were a couple of other folks there who were also wonderful, but 15 years later, their names escape me, but their actions are remembered with gratitude. I'm so very glad you don't know this world. Love to you, my friend. xo
Thank you for this beautiful & almost poetic piece, Nan.
I’ve been an inpatient thrice in my long journey (33, 5, and 1 year ago), but only started ECT this past NYE, as an outpatient. So much of what you write resonates.
The nurses are the ones who calmed me the first couple of treatments, as my anxiety was off the charts between the underlying issues I was dealing with & the fears I had about “barbaric” practices & general anaesthesia.
For me, my constant tether to routine was ECT nurse Carol, whose mantra was “cold & gritty, wet & stinky” as she prepped my head for the ECT & EEG leads. Just simple and kind reminders which became my touchstone, before “this may burn” and being out no more than 3 seconds later.
14 sessions later, I was & am a changed man, at long last. Not without cognitive side effects, but also free from demons that have beset me for over 4 decades.
ECT has given me a new lease of the life I have remaining, and my family one as well.
As for those nurses, I’ve written the hospital twice to give them lengthy and effusive praise. And I’ll never forget the efforts of all the team members, as each had a role in this crucial leap forward in my recovery.
Be well,
DC
DC, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and all of us in this forum. The nurses. I too, wrote letters after I was released from their care. ECT is intense for sure, but the stigma is more intense, I think. I'm so glad the treatment worked for you. It does save lives. Nothing is perfect, I'd do it again, if need be, but not before looking into other possibilities first. The more we share our stories, the more people will know that what they thought was the truth may not be so. I was in the hospital for a little more than 2 months. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary. The last 15 years, in general were for me to claim my life. But the last 4 or so have been the best years of my life to date. Please stay connected to me, if you like. All the best to you. xo
I love you, sweet girl.
And I love you. Thanks for reading, Joy. xo
Dear Nan,
Another something we have in common. I sat down and tried to recall all the times I've slept on crinkly, vinyl mattresses and I scratched out the dates. I decided I'd rather comment on your amazing post than attempt to get the actual number of inpatient hospitalizations for mental health "correct" for me. I think it's fourteen.
I sweat and I have a hard time breathing naturally as I read your account. I never had ECT. My nemesis was always depression's counterpart, mania. I wrote a book about it, how I kicked its ass. The day I hit send on the manuscript to publish, I cracked again. And twice since.
I finally found somatic therapy, a trauma-based therapist, and an understanding of C-PTSD. I'm working really hard on my regret for what those hospitalizations did to me and the effects on my four kids.
With the bravery and skill you show in writing about your experiences, you offer to hold my hand. The hands of all of us who have been there, and those who empathize with us. It's in sharing these stories and getting people to realize we can transcend the experience to live productive, vibrant lives that gives me hope. Keep telling your story, Nan. You do it well and you help so many other people, like me, feel seen.
Colleen, your words made me cry. Yes, to all of it. "I finally found somatic therapy, a trauma-based therapist, and an understanding of C-PTSD" That's what I'm doing, too. All of my helpers have helped, and as I go forward in my life, I need to advance to different modes of healing and inquiry. I'm curious about my feelings now, and not so afraid of them anymore. And I see possibility where none existed for me for many years. I've worked really hard setting myself free from the hold of being what was beginning to resemble a full time job of being a professional patient. For some reason I clung to the belief that I would never be well. I don't want to regard myself that way anymore. I don't regard myself that way anymore. When I became ready to let that go, it was because I discovered it was a false belief. We're all shining beings, and sometimes we get a little tarnish on us that needs to be polished. We can let our light out and share it with the world. We're lucky we were able to access help. A lot of people aren't so fortunate. Hugs to you, my friend. Thank you for sharing this part of you with me. xo
I’m crying too. You’re freaking awesome, you know that, right? I’m so glad you chose to post this piece. Hugs back at ya. CBD
I just ordered your book! You're pretty awesome, too, you know. We have to have a Zoom one of these days, if you're into it?
I would love that. I will connect via dm.
Great! I'm going to bed now, it's been a long day. Let's touch base soon, though. xo
I have witnessed one of my closest friends going through this for the last few months. Overmedicated, living in psych ward. ECT, used as a last resort, is what finally helped her, and the difference was immediate and profound.
YUP. It absolutely works. But it's challenging and most patients do have to contend with short term memory loss at the very least. That's hard for anyone, but as a writer, I'm so grateful for the memory I do have. And as I age, it's hard to tease memory stuff that can be a natural part of aging vs. side effects of the treatments. I have actually recommended to people I knew/know who were struggling. And yes, immediate and profound change. The problem with being depressed and feeling hopeless is that we often (we as in me, and what I've observed in others) don't always have the ability to make the best choice while in inactive illness. Sometimes you have to cound on a good care team, friends and family to help you do the next right thing. I'm glad your friend found relief. That's a blessing. xo
the advocacy you're doing, and that she now wants to use her work to do too, is so important. The word "depression" can describe so many different things and I think it can be hard to understand just how devastating it can be, on a not only psychological but physical level.
I really understand that. I never thought anybody could get how hard it was. Give her as much time as she needs. I’m here if she wants to read. And if she wants to reach out always available for an exchange of experiences and I’m a listener. xo
Exactly. It takes a tremendous toll on our bodies. Would it be appropriate for you to share my essay with your friend? Or is too close to her situation right now? I would to share it because it might be relatable, but it took me years to be ready to tell it. I've always wanted to share this. xo
I do want to share it with her. Just giving her a little time, it's all very fresh. I did tell her about you and some of the other things you've written on the subject though, but at that point she was unable to comprehend that anyone could understand.
I get that. It's so easy to feel alone when depression happens. I didn't think people could understand it either. xo
Nan, wow! What a beautiful, achingly poignant piece of writing. Thank you for your candor and for discussing mental illness so openly.
Thanks, Beth. We all need to talk about it. It's the only way to help people see that's not so uncommon and there's no need for shame. xo
Agreed. I have PTSD from breast cancer aftermath and am on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. I've also had EMDR. I'm very lucky that I can carve out a quality life.
Right? We are lucky. I never forget that. I'm in therapy for C-PTSD, and am using a modality that helps release stored trauma/energy in the body. It's been immeasurable helpful combined with 12 Step for trauma. We are indeed fortunate. And, experiencing mental illness has made me a more compassionate human being. xo