Listen now | Finding clothing that fit, and looked good on me, was hard enough. Having to do it in front of a room full of partially naked women was more than I could bear.
Thanks, Tess! My dad was in the fashion industry. He worked as a designer. The whole system is a joke. He said sizing wasn't ever accurate to a standard. And they, the designers, would be the ones deciding what we were going to wear a year into the future. So much consumption. Ridiculous.
Nan, such a poignant essay. Societal expectations for thin women are so high. Society has been this way forever, it seems. I'm so saddened by what you went through, and I'm glad you discovered you are enough. Thank you for this brave post.
Thank you, Beth! It's a crazy world, for sure. I'm discovering I'm much more than enough, and yet not too much! It's an absolute pleasure to tell my stories, and I've got a new one that's publishing tomorrow. Hope you'll check it out! xo
Wow, what a relatable story. I was a "chubby" child. That's how my size was categorized. I absolutely hated going shopping for school clothes. I didn't develop an eating disorder like you did, but I have had issues with my weight for most of my life. Society is just plain cruel with its expectations for how women are supposed to look. I feel like things are finally changing for the better, or maybe it's my age, and it's more that I am changing. I'm okay with my weight, for the most part, these days. Great piece. Thank you.
I had heard of Loehmann’s when I was a kid but was never in one, and I'm glad. That wouldve made me really uncomfortable as well. My dear Nan, my goodness! All of it. Healing is messy, painful and beautiful.
"Healing the parts of me that led to the eating disorder has nothing to do with diets. It has to do with gaining access to my heart, my mind, and my feelings. I’m learning to tell the truth, stay open, be unafraid."
And yet... I hear my own voice chime in with everyone else's who is privately, hopefully thinking "If only she could have stayed thin and learned to love herself." WHAT IS THIS ABOUT??? Having your cake and eating it, too? I never knew what that meant. Accepting your body's shape and miraculously being okay with it? Or maybe just eating the damn cake? I fear that our communal consciousness about appearance and acceptability and beauty and attractiveness is sooooo deeply embedded that we will never get clear of it. But if you do, you are the miracle worker on your own behalf. We are cheering for you. XXX
I'm working on it, Ann! And yes, it is deeply embedded. I do this inquiry daily. I'm glad I didn't stay that thin. That's torture, trying to maintain starvation. Balance is what I'm after. It takes practice and patience. The love is definitely there. The last year or so is proof of that. I've transformed my life by stepping up as a writer, something I doubted I would ever do. xo
All of that weighing and checking and lifting and dieting. It just makes me tired for you. And enraged on your behalf. I want you to fill every room you ever walk in to, with your heart, your spirit, and your wisdom. I wish we could gift the idea that every body is a good body to our children. Wouldn't that be something to pass down? As always, making me thing today, friend....
Yup, it would be a wonderful thing to pass down. In my 12 Step program, we focus on finding balance. That's the practice. There are no "good" foods or "bad" foods. We don't weigh or measure anything, not ourselves, not our food. A lot of people just throw away or hide their scales. It's never about the food, it's mostly about using food to medicate against uncomfortable feelings. It's about acceptance and learning to love ourselves no matter our size. Balance. Nutrition, movement, sleep, spiritual fulfillment, love. And knowing that we're not alone in this. That's a wonderful thing. And yes, I do fill a room! With my smile, my courage, and my sense of humor. Oh, and with my heart! Love to you, Jess. Thanks for getting it!
Powerful. I hated those communal fitting rooms. I also remember one private fitting room that had mirrors situated so you could see your behind as well as your front and side. It was the first time I'd had a head on view of my butt, and I was trying on bathing suits. I walked into the room feeling good and walked out feeling awful. And without a bathing suit, now that I knew what everyone else was seeing.
What a wisdom-filled piece of writing this is. And where on earth did this worship of thinness come from? Twiggy? It's so desperately unhealthy, but so much of our culture is a slave to it. I know. I weighed 95 lbs. once upon a time, and far from being happier, I might have died. My feeling is it's all about control, and not letting go of it. A healthy life, and healthy eating, is all about finding our balance. The trick is maintaining it when life throws us the inevitable curve balls.
Balance is definitely my goal, and not eating out of a desire to medicate against my feelings. Learning how to self-soothe other ways is what I'm working on. And coming to acceptance that I may always be a fat woman. I'm doing the work! Thanks for reading, Marilea. xo
With food thoughts overwhelming my brain for the past year, this resonated. I have remained a consistent weight for most of my adult life. I've also been very active. So, when this changed last year and my body changed, it sent me for a downward spiral. It's crazy how going to the store to try on clothes can trigger such waves of emotion--positive, negative and everything in between. My favourite line: "I’m not nothing now, and I never was." I'm adopting is as my mantra for the moment. xo
So well said, Nan. As someone who has gained and lost a lot of weight over the years, often before and after surgery for various conditions, I’ve received my share of weird comments. A few months after back surgery #2, when I was extraordinarily thin from the huge toll of the recovery, a relative told my mother that I looked like an Auschwitz survivor, and my mother, never one to miss a chance to inflict pain, shared the comment with me. In this case, thin wasn’t being perceived as gorgeous, but who says things like that????
Another great column. When, as a teenager, my compulsive undereating was at its worst--I knew I had a problem--my grandmother came from out of town to visit and told me enthusiastically (she was not generally a warm, enthusiastic person) how fantastic I looked. I had the sense, partially inculcated by the book Fat Is a Feminist Issue--sounds like I'm not the only one here with great gratitude for that book--to be furious.
I spent most of my childhood feeling objectified...but didn't have the words to fully understand it. Image was a priority, how we looked to the world was most important, but the truth was deeply buried. Fat was definitely NOT okay. That message came through loud and clear in so many ways.
Spot on again, Nan. The kind of comments and praise you received for weight loss (but your dismay at hearing it) are why I never comment on someone's size, no matter how well, or how long, I've known them. I remember it myself, from my yo-yo years. My brother telling me I looked "ugly" when I gained weight. Friends complimenting me when I lost it. (And yet again, I have the book Fat Is A Feminist Issue to thank for making me realise, at 19, that I was judging my own value by my size.)
Thanks, Wendy. This essay is one of the first ones I wrote when I started on Substack last year. I'm now recording older stories for the podcast version...a lot of people (because my readership has grown) haven't read/heard the earlier writing. I think it's great that you have this awareness about people and their body shapes/sizes. It's hard to resist that temptation to comment on people's appearance. I was well-trained, so many of us were, to equate size with worth. I'm definitely re-reading FIAFI. Thanks for the reminder! xo
Thanks, Liza! I'm enjoying recording my stories. I have a micro-mini-teeny-weeny recording studio I set up in a nook in my bedroom. It's all very tech-cute. xoxo
“Today, I’m fat. Nowhere near a zero. I am in fact, much more than a zero.” This sentence made me shout out yes! 🙌
You are wonderful! Your existence and saying it is vital. Why? Because you make it okay to be.
What you’re also doing is creating a demand for clothes starting at 1. We need to re-work the sizes anyhow in fashion.
“I’m a double 0, I’m surprised you carry this!” I wouldn’t know how to take it if I didn’t know of this sorta celebrity—she’s a nice person.
I overheard this in the funky, cute vintage shop where I work out of on Thursdays to do community tarot and astrology.
It’s time to tip the scales so to speak. Weight is so heavy. ♥️
Thanks, Tess! My dad was in the fashion industry. He worked as a designer. The whole system is a joke. He said sizing wasn't ever accurate to a standard. And they, the designers, would be the ones deciding what we were going to wear a year into the future. So much consumption. Ridiculous.
It’s a shame many are beholden to mass manufacturing.
Nan, such a poignant essay. Societal expectations for thin women are so high. Society has been this way forever, it seems. I'm so saddened by what you went through, and I'm glad you discovered you are enough. Thank you for this brave post.
Thank you, Beth! It's a crazy world, for sure. I'm discovering I'm much more than enough, and yet not too much! It's an absolute pleasure to tell my stories, and I've got a new one that's publishing tomorrow. Hope you'll check it out! xo
Hi Nan,
Wow, what a relatable story. I was a "chubby" child. That's how my size was categorized. I absolutely hated going shopping for school clothes. I didn't develop an eating disorder like you did, but I have had issues with my weight for most of my life. Society is just plain cruel with its expectations for how women are supposed to look. I feel like things are finally changing for the better, or maybe it's my age, and it's more that I am changing. I'm okay with my weight, for the most part, these days. Great piece. Thank you.
My guess is that it's you that's changing. Society hasn't changed much at all. Thanks for commenting and sharing a bit of your story! xo
Your guess is probably right.
I had heard of Loehmann’s when I was a kid but was never in one, and I'm glad. That wouldve made me really uncomfortable as well. My dear Nan, my goodness! All of it. Healing is messy, painful and beautiful.
"Healing the parts of me that led to the eating disorder has nothing to do with diets. It has to do with gaining access to my heart, my mind, and my feelings. I’m learning to tell the truth, stay open, be unafraid."
Thank you for sharing this. xx 💜
Thanks for reading, and commenting, Rhaine! Yes. Loehmann's. Glad you were spared!
xo
And yet... I hear my own voice chime in with everyone else's who is privately, hopefully thinking "If only she could have stayed thin and learned to love herself." WHAT IS THIS ABOUT??? Having your cake and eating it, too? I never knew what that meant. Accepting your body's shape and miraculously being okay with it? Or maybe just eating the damn cake? I fear that our communal consciousness about appearance and acceptability and beauty and attractiveness is sooooo deeply embedded that we will never get clear of it. But if you do, you are the miracle worker on your own behalf. We are cheering for you. XXX
I'm working on it, Ann! And yes, it is deeply embedded. I do this inquiry daily. I'm glad I didn't stay that thin. That's torture, trying to maintain starvation. Balance is what I'm after. It takes practice and patience. The love is definitely there. The last year or so is proof of that. I've transformed my life by stepping up as a writer, something I doubted I would ever do. xo
All of that weighing and checking and lifting and dieting. It just makes me tired for you. And enraged on your behalf. I want you to fill every room you ever walk in to, with your heart, your spirit, and your wisdom. I wish we could gift the idea that every body is a good body to our children. Wouldn't that be something to pass down? As always, making me thing today, friend....
Yup, it would be a wonderful thing to pass down. In my 12 Step program, we focus on finding balance. That's the practice. There are no "good" foods or "bad" foods. We don't weigh or measure anything, not ourselves, not our food. A lot of people just throw away or hide their scales. It's never about the food, it's mostly about using food to medicate against uncomfortable feelings. It's about acceptance and learning to love ourselves no matter our size. Balance. Nutrition, movement, sleep, spiritual fulfillment, love. And knowing that we're not alone in this. That's a wonderful thing. And yes, I do fill a room! With my smile, my courage, and my sense of humor. Oh, and with my heart! Love to you, Jess. Thanks for getting it!
Powerful. I hated those communal fitting rooms. I also remember one private fitting room that had mirrors situated so you could see your behind as well as your front and side. It was the first time I'd had a head on view of my butt, and I was trying on bathing suits. I walked into the room feeling good and walked out feeling awful. And without a bathing suit, now that I knew what everyone else was seeing.
The self-hate we learn. Runs deep.
Sure does. Too deep. xo
What a wisdom-filled piece of writing this is. And where on earth did this worship of thinness come from? Twiggy? It's so desperately unhealthy, but so much of our culture is a slave to it. I know. I weighed 95 lbs. once upon a time, and far from being happier, I might have died. My feeling is it's all about control, and not letting go of it. A healthy life, and healthy eating, is all about finding our balance. The trick is maintaining it when life throws us the inevitable curve balls.
Balance is definitely my goal, and not eating out of a desire to medicate against my feelings. Learning how to self-soothe other ways is what I'm working on. And coming to acceptance that I may always be a fat woman. I'm doing the work! Thanks for reading, Marilea. xo
With food thoughts overwhelming my brain for the past year, this resonated. I have remained a consistent weight for most of my adult life. I've also been very active. So, when this changed last year and my body changed, it sent me for a downward spiral. It's crazy how going to the store to try on clothes can trigger such waves of emotion--positive, negative and everything in between. My favourite line: "I’m not nothing now, and I never was." I'm adopting is as my mantra for the moment. xo
xoxoxo!
So well said, Nan. As someone who has gained and lost a lot of weight over the years, often before and after surgery for various conditions, I’ve received my share of weird comments. A few months after back surgery #2, when I was extraordinarily thin from the huge toll of the recovery, a relative told my mother that I looked like an Auschwitz survivor, and my mother, never one to miss a chance to inflict pain, shared the comment with me. In this case, thin wasn’t being perceived as gorgeous, but who says things like that????
I'm back to amend my comment. I hadn't seen the rest of yours. OMG. Bizarre what people think and then share when no one has asked their opinion. GAH!
Another great column. When, as a teenager, my compulsive undereating was at its worst--I knew I had a problem--my grandmother came from out of town to visit and told me enthusiastically (she was not generally a warm, enthusiastic person) how fantastic I looked. I had the sense, partially inculcated by the book Fat Is a Feminist Issue--sounds like I'm not the only one here with great gratitude for that book--to be furious.
I spent most of my childhood feeling objectified...but didn't have the words to fully understand it. Image was a priority, how we looked to the world was most important, but the truth was deeply buried. Fat was definitely NOT okay. That message came through loud and clear in so many ways.
Spot on again, Nan. The kind of comments and praise you received for weight loss (but your dismay at hearing it) are why I never comment on someone's size, no matter how well, or how long, I've known them. I remember it myself, from my yo-yo years. My brother telling me I looked "ugly" when I gained weight. Friends complimenting me when I lost it. (And yet again, I have the book Fat Is A Feminist Issue to thank for making me realise, at 19, that I was judging my own value by my size.)
Such a wise decision, Wendy!
Thanks, Wendy. This essay is one of the first ones I wrote when I started on Substack last year. I'm now recording older stories for the podcast version...a lot of people (because my readership has grown) haven't read/heard the earlier writing. I think it's great that you have this awareness about people and their body shapes/sizes. It's hard to resist that temptation to comment on people's appearance. I was well-trained, so many of us were, to equate size with worth. I'm definitely re-reading FIAFI. Thanks for the reminder! xo
"I’m not nothing now, and I never was." And that is the whole story! (But the rest was a fabulous read, Nan. Brava!)
Thanks, Kim. You get it, every time! xo
Oh, this is was so compelling and also sad. And I loved listening to you read it!
Thanks, Liza! I'm enjoying recording my stories. I have a micro-mini-teeny-weeny recording studio I set up in a nook in my bedroom. It's all very tech-cute. xoxo