Thx as always for sharing your recovery Nan! Step 5 has been so powerful for me too. My ACA 5th step really moved me towards letting go of anger and closer to ongoing forgiveness towards my Dad which I was beyond grateful for! Peace and all good, Pamela
I really appreciate this. Lately I’ve been more aware of how often I say, “I’m sorry.” I’ve even tried to withhold it, and it feels so uncomfortable to do so. Im not even sure why, but I’m on the investigation. I really wanna know what is in me that drives this behavior.
I hear you. It feels like it's a regular practice, right? Assessing ourselves. I love that you say "I'm on the investigation." That's what I've been using as a guide. I put it a little differently. I get curious about my actions instead of deriding myself. That little adjustment in my attitude opens doors. I have to remember that it's okay to walk through them! Thanks for reading and commenting, Lila! xo
“Curiosity” is gold. I’m so curious about myself also. I wanna know and understand my self as much as possible. I wanna know what makes me tick, not in any attempt to fix or deride myself. I’ve enough of that business, but because I finally love me. 💗
My favorite quote, and "tell me everything terrible you did, so I can love yo anyway." There’s a big difference between apologizing and making amends. When I make an amends (grammatically weird, I know, but…Program language) it means I’m making a pledge to change. A simple apology doesn’t cover that. They still have value, and are appropriate in certain situations, but amends are the real deal, if change really happens.
Nan, I particularly enjoyed this post, and could relate in oh so many ways. In our yoga teacher training course, we participated in an exercise where the class would point out whenever anyone apologized. It was amazing how many people were saying "sorry" for absolutely no reason. We became a bit like Pavlov's dogs, wincing as the words I'm sorry came out of our mouths. It was a real eye opener! Also I remember as a girl of about nine, actually saying "maybe" after everything I said, to be sure I wasn't lying. Oh my goodness. Anyway, thanks Nan! Shana Tova!
Wonderful read. Over the years, I'd mention to close friends or family that the word "sorry" lost it's meaning to me if no changes in behavior accompanied it. A chronic over-apologizer, frequent-offender, my cousin was deeply hurt by my brash opinion. Your story gives me so much more grace in this area, and more insight into what judgments I've held here. I'm humbled again! <3
Thanks, Sam! From my own experience being in Program, I think when people in recovery speak of amends, the meaning isn't clear to people who haven't done the work. I still habitually say, "Sorry!" for things that don't warrant any kind of apology. It's knee jerk behavior, that old training. It's hard to lose. But maybe your cousin is aware of her behavior––I'm making the assumption that your cousin is female, please correct me if I'm wrong––and your opinion (not brash in MY opinion) pushed some buttons about a behavior she isn't okay with?
I think you're onto something.. it could be this was something she was already learning around and I stirred up the waters a bit. Reflecting on it now, I've seen us both grow in this area and it could be a cool conversation to revisit with her!
Another powerful piece, Nan. I know a lot of women who’ve struggled with this very issue. It makes me sad that girls are conditioned this way. I hope more people speak up about it, like you have here.
All of this. Yes. Early recovery as a brutal and joyous relief bomb. Yes. But what really grabbed me was this tragicomic bit (that sprints across the cultural-political boulevard onto our own clean and fiercely guarded stoop): “Oh, Eve, I’m sure that apple was delicious. I’m grateful you took that bite, but I guess some of the boys weren’t ready to share.” Yes!
Beautiful piece, Nan. I think it’s best when amends come with change, but there have been some situations in my life when the other person genuinely acknowledging the hurt that had been caused would have been enough or at least a start to full-blown reparations.
I’m looking forward to reading more about your experience with recovery! But also I’m so curious. Do you ever find out if your classmate was really going to Indianapolis?
Nope. I never found out. I still think she wasn't telling the truth...but it was none of my business! And yes, to what you said. Sometimes an apology can be enough.
You make an important distinction, Nan. Apologizing means nothing without a change in behavior. I’ve been married forever to a guy, my best friend, who has apologized to me maybe once or twice in… well, let’s not go there. He has, however, made some welcome changes in his behavior. That’s more important than apologies I thought he owed me.
Absolutely. I finally get this. For the longest time I’d brush over the repeated and offending behavior of my ex partner, when he would say he was sorry. Then I began asking him what he was sorry for and that’s when I began to realize it was a robotic response used to smooth things over without really making changes. No more of this!
Lots that resonates here, Nan. I can I identify with the jumping in to say sorry, even when it’s not my fault. Middle child, and a piggy in the middle of my parents’ marriage, trying to keep the peace. Plus: being British!
I was also rather reluctant to own up when I had done something wrong as a child, feeling ashamed but not wanting to admit it.
Thanks, Wendy. I think there are many of us who can recognize this trait in ourselves. I don't want to be a peacekeeper any more. I want to be a peace maker by finding peace within myself and continuing to grow and be truthful about my misdeeds and doing better! xo
Thx as always for sharing your recovery Nan! Step 5 has been so powerful for me too. My ACA 5th step really moved me towards letting go of anger and closer to ongoing forgiveness towards my Dad which I was beyond grateful for! Peace and all good, Pamela
That’s wonderful, Pamela! I’m so happy to be writing these stories from my life. Doing it really supports my healing and growth. xoxo
I really appreciate this. Lately I’ve been more aware of how often I say, “I’m sorry.” I’ve even tried to withhold it, and it feels so uncomfortable to do so. Im not even sure why, but I’m on the investigation. I really wanna know what is in me that drives this behavior.
Thank you so much. ❤️
I hear you. It feels like it's a regular practice, right? Assessing ourselves. I love that you say "I'm on the investigation." That's what I've been using as a guide. I put it a little differently. I get curious about my actions instead of deriding myself. That little adjustment in my attitude opens doors. I have to remember that it's okay to walk through them! Thanks for reading and commenting, Lila! xo
“Curiosity” is gold. I’m so curious about myself also. I wanna know and understand my self as much as possible. I wanna know what makes me tick, not in any attempt to fix or deride myself. I’ve enough of that business, but because I finally love me. 💗
YAY!!! xo
My favorite quote, and "tell me everything terrible you did, so I can love yo anyway." There’s a big difference between apologizing and making amends. When I make an amends (grammatically weird, I know, but…Program language) it means I’m making a pledge to change. A simple apology doesn’t cover that. They still have value, and are appropriate in certain situations, but amends are the real deal, if change really happens.
Thank you
Always a pleasure to hear from you, and I appreciate that you absolutely get what I'm talking about. xo
Yes, I know this one and still learning, healing, growing and hopefully glowing!
Yup! Me too! xo
Nan, I particularly enjoyed this post, and could relate in oh so many ways. In our yoga teacher training course, we participated in an exercise where the class would point out whenever anyone apologized. It was amazing how many people were saying "sorry" for absolutely no reason. We became a bit like Pavlov's dogs, wincing as the words I'm sorry came out of our mouths. It was a real eye opener! Also I remember as a girl of about nine, actually saying "maybe" after everything I said, to be sure I wasn't lying. Oh my goodness. Anyway, thanks Nan! Shana Tova!
Amazing isn't it how much we tend to ask forgiveness for just existing??? No more of that, okay?
xoxo
I'm with you! I've been trodding down this path probably since my teacher training, so glad to have you along! xo
Thanks, Sue! Good to be in this with you!
Shana Tova.
Thanks, Bar! xo
Wonderful read. Over the years, I'd mention to close friends or family that the word "sorry" lost it's meaning to me if no changes in behavior accompanied it. A chronic over-apologizer, frequent-offender, my cousin was deeply hurt by my brash opinion. Your story gives me so much more grace in this area, and more insight into what judgments I've held here. I'm humbled again! <3
Thanks, Sam! From my own experience being in Program, I think when people in recovery speak of amends, the meaning isn't clear to people who haven't done the work. I still habitually say, "Sorry!" for things that don't warrant any kind of apology. It's knee jerk behavior, that old training. It's hard to lose. But maybe your cousin is aware of her behavior––I'm making the assumption that your cousin is female, please correct me if I'm wrong––and your opinion (not brash in MY opinion) pushed some buttons about a behavior she isn't okay with?
I think you're onto something.. it could be this was something she was already learning around and I stirred up the waters a bit. Reflecting on it now, I've seen us both grow in this area and it could be a cool conversation to revisit with her!
That's so wonderful!
Another powerful piece, Nan. I know a lot of women who’ve struggled with this very issue. It makes me sad that girls are conditioned this way. I hope more people speak up about it, like you have here.
Thanks, Chris, and thank you, as always for reading and commenting, it means a lot. xo
Similar evolution with apology here--from burning shame to all the friggin time to hopefully more balance now. Thank you for sharing, my friend.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Holly! We need to evolve, right? xo
All of this. Yes. Early recovery as a brutal and joyous relief bomb. Yes. But what really grabbed me was this tragicomic bit (that sprints across the cultural-political boulevard onto our own clean and fiercely guarded stoop): “Oh, Eve, I’m sure that apple was delicious. I’m grateful you took that bite, but I guess some of the boys weren’t ready to share.” Yes!
Thanks for noticing that! Yes. I really love that line. I was so surprised when it popped out of me. So many surprises when I'm writing. xo
I loved that line too!
Beautiful piece, Nan. I think it’s best when amends come with change, but there have been some situations in my life when the other person genuinely acknowledging the hurt that had been caused would have been enough or at least a start to full-blown reparations.
I’m looking forward to reading more about your experience with recovery! But also I’m so curious. Do you ever find out if your classmate was really going to Indianapolis?
Nope. I never found out. I still think she wasn't telling the truth...but it was none of my business! And yes, to what you said. Sometimes an apology can be enough.
You make an important distinction, Nan. Apologizing means nothing without a change in behavior. I’ve been married forever to a guy, my best friend, who has apologized to me maybe once or twice in… well, let’s not go there. He has, however, made some welcome changes in his behavior. That’s more important than apologies I thought he owed me.
Exactly. Change matters. Apologies are empty without it. xoN
Absolutely. I finally get this. For the longest time I’d brush over the repeated and offending behavior of my ex partner, when he would say he was sorry. Then I began asking him what he was sorry for and that’s when I began to realize it was a robotic response used to smooth things over without really making changes. No more of this!
Lots that resonates here, Nan. I can I identify with the jumping in to say sorry, even when it’s not my fault. Middle child, and a piggy in the middle of my parents’ marriage, trying to keep the peace. Plus: being British!
I was also rather reluctant to own up when I had done something wrong as a child, feeling ashamed but not wanting to admit it.
Thanks, Wendy. I think there are many of us who can recognize this trait in ourselves. I don't want to be a peacekeeper any more. I want to be a peace maker by finding peace within myself and continuing to grow and be truthful about my misdeeds and doing better! xo
That’s a really good distinction to make, Nan. x