Wow, what a powerful piece, Nan. this hit me hard: "If intimate partners said they wanted to discuss something with me, my immediate internal reaction was “What did I do this time?” I've been guilty of feeling this way. I always think I will find out I've done something wrong.
Yup. Always. And in the past, I would freeze. And of course, it wasn't always that I'd done something wrong. But that was my automatic response (emotional, physical). I'm much more calm about things like that these days. But it still comes up. xo
Wow! Tell me all the terrible things you’ve done and let me love you anyway. So incredibly powerful. Thanks for this, Nan! I need to let it sink in. Love you. Xx
Hi Nan, I've spent a good amount of time in England. I've made good friends with overly apologetic women. "I'm sorry" is as common as 'F**k' these days. Over there, it goes like this "I'm sorry. You okay?' Excuse me for existing, how are you? sort of vibe.
Goodness! Sometimes I feel like you are talking about me. I want to raise my hand and say “me too” just like a first grader, except that I was too shy to do it back then. I’m still a work in progress. 🤷🏻♀️
Loved rereading this. I so identify with the childhood investment in being good and horror when somehow ... somehow! ... I ended up offending someone. And I adore this phrase to describe how some of us move in this world: "relentless spontaneous quasi-remorse." Oh yes!! Very quasi indeed.
Thanks, Pamela! I had a great surprise today. My first grade teacher, Miss Seidman, emailed me this message:
"Love “our” picture! My husband & I just read this story & he asked me if I remember the incident— of course, I don’t. But I remember YOU— my sweet & precious student."
What an open, honest, vulnerable & powerful essay, Nan. I too am the little girl afraid to show anger, to disagree, to have anyone angry at me, as you write: ‘I was a mostly well-behaved kid because I never wanted anyone to be mad at me.’ Yes! That was me. And apologies followed me too throughout life. In my continuing grief over losing my Mom, when it gets all tangled up with guilt I didn’t do enough, wasn’t there enough once she moved to memory care, my sobs become a litany of ‘I’m so sorry, Mommy. So sorry!’ And there is no way she’d want me to be in this anguish, exactly a year ago today since she died. So trying today to summon self compassion and your essay helps. Thank you 💗
You have nothing to be sorry for, my dear Amy. You did everything you could. I’m sure of it. I’m SORRY I didn’t see this until today, instead of on the anniversary of your mom’s death. My love and condolences to you. xo
Blows it out of the water for me, too. What a beautiful, beautiful statement! But without your words to ground that comment and help so many of us [women] see where we fit into that behavioral tragedy, it wouldn't mean a thing. So thank you for sharing your story, Nan...our story.
I'd love your thoughts on what you are teaching yourself to say instead of "I'm sorry." I've found myself wrestling with that a bit and find I tend toward "I regret that..." which, for me, has a little more room for self-assertion, if that makes any sense.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I still say "I'm sorry" when I apologize. I take full responsibility for my actions when I've been wrong. They're two very good words when appropriate, and they're poison when not. I'd feel that way no matter what words I used to express my remorse! xo
Agree with this 100%, Nan! And I still find myself saying "I'm sorry" when I don't need to. I was curious if you'd found any better alternatives that are better. Or maybe you just say nothing? By way of example, instead of saying, "Sorry, I can't help out this time." we just say, "No, I'm not able to help out this time."
I find I still use I'm sorry for lack of another expression.
Instead of
"'I'm sorry for any confusion...
"I'm sorry you aren't able to make the meeting..."
we say...???
Instead of saying "Sorry!" when someone bumps into me, I say... ??? "Watch where you're going, ding-dong!" 😅
"I'm sorry you aren't able to make the meeting." could be "I'll miss you at the meeting," or "hope you can make the next one." And "I'm sorry for any confusion." maybe "I can see how that could be confusing." or "Can I help you figure it out?" I like your answer where you call people ding-dongs! That's sure to win friends! xo
It took me a long time to understand the true value of amends. In the beginning, I always wanted absolution from the other person. I wanted something back. But as I grew in my own self-worth and became less codependent, I realized that that wasn't at all the point of making amends. The point was to clean up my side of the street. And just feel good about that. Whether the other person admires my nice, clean yard is totally beside the point. I do. And that's the point.
YES! Exactly. And keeping my rake and my broom handy, so the crap doesn't pile up is a daily practice. The cleaner we keep it, the less amends are needed. xo
This resonates with me so much. So much apologizing and then so much guilt around it too, like I had committed an unforgivable offense. That pit in my stomach feeling that I had done something wrong. Took me a very long time to get perspective on it. Really appreciate you sharing your experiences ❤️
Yes exactly. I have woken up mornings with that pit in the stomach feeling without anything definite even triggering it. Usually that will happen after a really stressful situation in which i had to quickly make hard decisions. Grateful that these days I am usually able to navigate through those feelings rather than being consumed by them. ❤️🌸
SPOT ON Nan! I had a Women's Studies teacher in college (circa 1970s) who spent an entire class sharing/explaining the "I'm sorry" syndrome. The highlight was her example of a woman rolling over in bed to see that it was raining and telling her husband she was sorry it was raining and that he'd have to go out in it to get to work.
Rhetorical question: what happens when one does something wrong (or something received as wrong) but doesn't know it? One of my mantras is: I don't get up in the morning with the goal of pissing people off (I have made this statement repeatedly throughout my career) . . . and yet, throughout at minimum, 40 years of my life, I know that I did something to set them off (albeit many years later). The thing that really pisses ME off is there was never the willingness on their part to help me understand.
I wish we could be more empathetic (or empathic???) with our fellow humans, especially women.
Love you tons - thank you for sharing your lived wisdom.
Thanks, Deborah! So here's the thing about pissing other people off. I do it all the time! But remember the difference between really being a perpetrator vs. other people's triggers. Hopefully more of us, than less of us are open to opening our hearts more. I think it always comes down to fear. Fear that we'll be hurt, shamed, not seen. Fear's a killer. LOVE you, too! xo
Wow, what a powerful piece, Nan. this hit me hard: "If intimate partners said they wanted to discuss something with me, my immediate internal reaction was “What did I do this time?” I've been guilty of feeling this way. I always think I will find out I've done something wrong.
Yup. Always. And in the past, I would freeze. And of course, it wasn't always that I'd done something wrong. But that was my automatic response (emotional, physical). I'm much more calm about things like that these days. But it still comes up. xo
Wow! Tell me all the terrible things you’ve done and let me love you anyway. So incredibly powerful. Thanks for this, Nan! I need to let it sink in. Love you. Xx
It's a great one, isn't it? Forgiveness and the offering of grace. Love you, Ann! xo
Hi Nan, I've spent a good amount of time in England. I've made good friends with overly apologetic women. "I'm sorry" is as common as 'F**k' these days. Over there, it goes like this "I'm sorry. You okay?' Excuse me for existing, how are you? sort of vibe.
Great piece. Thank you
Thank you, Prajna! xo
Goodness! Sometimes I feel like you are talking about me. I want to raise my hand and say “me too” just like a first grader, except that I was too shy to do it back then. I’m still a work in progress. 🤷🏻♀️
Annie, my dear! We are all works in progress. Those of us who know it, and don't think we're done are way ahead of the game! xo
Oops. I lost the comments I wanted to post. Their brilliance will never be realized. Ha Ha.
" Or just "Oops." Most things in my life are the latter.
Maybe it’ll come back to you!!! xo
Loved rereading this. I so identify with the childhood investment in being good and horror when somehow ... somehow! ... I ended up offending someone. And I adore this phrase to describe how some of us move in this world: "relentless spontaneous quasi-remorse." Oh yes!! Very quasi indeed.
Thanks, Pamela! I had a great surprise today. My first grade teacher, Miss Seidman, emailed me this message:
"Love “our” picture! My husband & I just read this story & he asked me if I remember the incident— of course, I don’t. But I remember YOU— my sweet & precious student."
How cool is that???? xo
That is so wonderful!
What an open, honest, vulnerable & powerful essay, Nan. I too am the little girl afraid to show anger, to disagree, to have anyone angry at me, as you write: ‘I was a mostly well-behaved kid because I never wanted anyone to be mad at me.’ Yes! That was me. And apologies followed me too throughout life. In my continuing grief over losing my Mom, when it gets all tangled up with guilt I didn’t do enough, wasn’t there enough once she moved to memory care, my sobs become a litany of ‘I’m so sorry, Mommy. So sorry!’ And there is no way she’d want me to be in this anguish, exactly a year ago today since she died. So trying today to summon self compassion and your essay helps. Thank you 💗
You have nothing to be sorry for, my dear Amy. You did everything you could. I’m sure of it. I’m SORRY I didn’t see this until today, instead of on the anniversary of your mom’s death. My love and condolences to you. xo
Thank you Nan 💗
Blows it out of the water for me, too. What a beautiful, beautiful statement! But without your words to ground that comment and help so many of us [women] see where we fit into that behavioral tragedy, it wouldn't mean a thing. So thank you for sharing your story, Nan...our story.
I'd love your thoughts on what you are teaching yourself to say instead of "I'm sorry." I've found myself wrestling with that a bit and find I tend toward "I regret that..." which, for me, has a little more room for self-assertion, if that makes any sense.
I'm not at all sorry to have read this one, Nan!
Thanks, Elizabeth. I still say "I'm sorry" when I apologize. I take full responsibility for my actions when I've been wrong. They're two very good words when appropriate, and they're poison when not. I'd feel that way no matter what words I used to express my remorse! xo
Agree with this 100%, Nan! And I still find myself saying "I'm sorry" when I don't need to. I was curious if you'd found any better alternatives that are better. Or maybe you just say nothing? By way of example, instead of saying, "Sorry, I can't help out this time." we just say, "No, I'm not able to help out this time."
I find I still use I'm sorry for lack of another expression.
Instead of
"'I'm sorry for any confusion...
"I'm sorry you aren't able to make the meeting..."
we say...???
Instead of saying "Sorry!" when someone bumps into me, I say... ??? "Watch where you're going, ding-dong!" 😅
"I'm sorry you aren't able to make the meeting." could be "I'll miss you at the meeting," or "hope you can make the next one." And "I'm sorry for any confusion." maybe "I can see how that could be confusing." or "Can I help you figure it out?" I like your answer where you call people ding-dongs! That's sure to win friends! xo
😂
So relatable.
Thanks, Jazmine! xo
It took me a long time to understand the true value of amends. In the beginning, I always wanted absolution from the other person. I wanted something back. But as I grew in my own self-worth and became less codependent, I realized that that wasn't at all the point of making amends. The point was to clean up my side of the street. And just feel good about that. Whether the other person admires my nice, clean yard is totally beside the point. I do. And that's the point.
YES! Exactly. And keeping my rake and my broom handy, so the crap doesn't pile up is a daily practice. The cleaner we keep it, the less amends are needed. xo
I love how much detail you showed, Nan. Wonderful piece. Thank you.
Thank you, Amrita! xo
This resonates with me so much. So much apologizing and then so much guilt around it too, like I had committed an unforgivable offense. That pit in my stomach feeling that I had done something wrong. Took me a very long time to get perspective on it. Really appreciate you sharing your experiences ❤️
Thank you, Sarah. Yes. And even when we've done NOTHING wrong. That's the craziest part for me. xo
Yes exactly. I have woken up mornings with that pit in the stomach feeling without anything definite even triggering it. Usually that will happen after a really stressful situation in which i had to quickly make hard decisions. Grateful that these days I am usually able to navigate through those feelings rather than being consumed by them. ❤️🌸
That's great! Getting curious about feelings is a true sign of emotional balance. xo
Beautiful, Nan. Being able to love ourselves through it all is the key.
It certainly helps! xo
I apologize to our dog. What a pernicious, joy-sapping habit.
"A pernicious, joy-sapping habit." No one but you, Rona. I apologize to my animals all the time. But they usually deserve my supplication. xo
SPOT ON Nan! I had a Women's Studies teacher in college (circa 1970s) who spent an entire class sharing/explaining the "I'm sorry" syndrome. The highlight was her example of a woman rolling over in bed to see that it was raining and telling her husband she was sorry it was raining and that he'd have to go out in it to get to work.
Rhetorical question: what happens when one does something wrong (or something received as wrong) but doesn't know it? One of my mantras is: I don't get up in the morning with the goal of pissing people off (I have made this statement repeatedly throughout my career) . . . and yet, throughout at minimum, 40 years of my life, I know that I did something to set them off (albeit many years later). The thing that really pisses ME off is there was never the willingness on their part to help me understand.
I wish we could be more empathetic (or empathic???) with our fellow humans, especially women.
Love you tons - thank you for sharing your lived wisdom.
Thanks, Deborah! So here's the thing about pissing other people off. I do it all the time! But remember the difference between really being a perpetrator vs. other people's triggers. Hopefully more of us, than less of us are open to opening our hearts more. I think it always comes down to fear. Fear that we'll be hurt, shamed, not seen. Fear's a killer. LOVE you, too! xo