This is so gorgeous. I felt like I was right there with you on this journey - beginning to end. I also DIED at your choice of condoms and considering yourself a good host! 🤣
Wow. I just stumbled upon your Substack and felt called to read this one. I’m only 34 and married to a man. I long to be a mother but it’s not in the cards for me. I struggle with depression and a personality disorder. I love kids and I’m glad they’re part of my work life but I would do anything for one of mine however I know that would be irresponsible. I’m currently grieving the loss of what will never be. Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t.
Oh, Kate. Thank you for sharing that with me and everyone else. I totally get it, and obviously respect your commitment to parenting/not parenting and teasing that out. You never know, though, what might show up in the future for you. Things change. I think that’s the only thing we can count on. Sending warm thoughts your way. All the best.
I loved my mother to the ends of this earth and beyond, but we struggled together until the very end of her life. I think mothering a daughter was just very hard for her, for a multitude of reasons. The mothering I’ve had in my life has come from other women, some of them mothers and some not. Sometimes you don’t realize the gift of the mothering you’re giving is what I’m trying to say. You’re a gem and I’m so glad I found you here. I loved this piece.
Thank you Ally. Yes, the idea of motherhood was so complex for me, and turning away from it was painful, and a responsible choice. I love my mom, and our relationship is challenging for both of us. I have empathy for how she struggled in her own childhood and adulthood. I appreciate so much about her. And it's hard. I've found mother figures in so many places. My teacher and neighbors especially when I was growing up. But ultimately I must learn to parent myself. And I'm so glad I found you. I think we have Shalom Auslander to thank for that, if I'm recalling correctly. Hugs to you!
I also had an aunt who had children but she was my special person who kept me upright. And I have a niece who offers some of that infinite experience. Yet, as I explore it more lately, at least for me, It may be coming to terms with the loss. Yes, there was a loss, and as odd as it may seem, more the loss of the feelng-experience than anything else.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to so many feelings you've described. I never babysat, but I expected to have kids later. But then life and things. I had some challenging teenage years. But thanks to my mom making gynecologist appointments for my sister and me when we were of age and my serious fear of ever being faced with deciding if I wanted to have a child or an abortion, unlike more than a few girls who dropped out of high school to have their babies or had abortions.
I went to college with a vague but definite plan to meet someone special, get married, and then have kids… someday. I did make it through college but no marriage and no kids. Eventually, I was diagnosed with endometriosis (did I need to take birth-control pills all those years?), made it through grad school, bouts of depression, a bad news boyfriend, spinal injury, a suicide attempt, and a complete rebuilding of my life, and all of a sudden, I'm 40! I'm in the best place mentally, partner, and home wise that I've ever been. But I shouldn't lift my cat, who is over 14 pounds now. And taking care of myself better is something I’m still learning.
Every day, I’m grateful for being Aunt Jessie to four kids now, ages 24, 19, 14, and 9. Last year, I got married, so I am now an auntie to three nephews and a niece, all under 6 years old. It’s the best ever! Maybe something will change, but if not, I adore the children I know and love. I can take videos of trains and cats to share with the kids and get dinosaur masks for them and birthday cake for me as they grow up.
Oh, Jessie! Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. How kind of you to extend yourself in this way. I'm so glad to hear that your life is going well, and that you are surrounded by love and the opportunity to be Aunt Jessie to some very lucky kids. It's so good to have those children around. They make such a difference in our lives.
I think a combination of Mary Poppins and Maria von Trap sounds pretty awesome. Such a complicated topic, and I appreciate reading about your perspective through the years. I’m glad you always stayed true to you and didn’t let yourself rush into anything. Families are what we make of them…. The roles you have played for others and other people’s kids all count.
Thanks for reading, Amy. It is a complicated topic, and I definitely had to examine myself and my values carefully. There were a lot of areas of my life that were decidedly chaotic, especially in my 20s and 30s. This area of my life was not, thankfully. I'm clear that there are so many ways to make a contribution to people, without needing to parent. That belief has only strengthened as I've gotten older.
I wish we didn’t have a society which made this an expectation, a foregone conclusion, a to-do, and left any of us in positions where we have to justify or feel judged based on whether we did or didn’t. I guess I somehow don’t think it is the most important thing. I can respect others who hold that view, of course, but I think we inherited so many narratives about how things are supposed to work and what counts and what the dominos look like. Luckily, many of us change those narratives in little ways every day and keep doing so. No need to reply — just thinking out loud.
This is hands down my favorite post of yours so far. The phrasing is memorable, and as usual, there are pieces of your experience and thought process that resonate with my own. Our differences intrigue me as much as our similarities. I despised babysitting! Absolutely hated it! The exception, though, was babysitting that involved getting to hold and smell infants. As for contraception, I didn’t “suit up” to the degree you did in the years before I was done with men, but that’s because I knew I could and would get an abortion. Single parenting was never an option for me, either, and by the time I was 30 pregnancy wasn’t an option for health reasons. I did ultimately become a mother at 39, thanks to my wife, reproductive technology, and enough maturity and therapy to feel able to avoid reproducing the parenting I had experienced.
I love that! We all make choices. I'm glad you were able to be a parent, and you both raised a wonderful human. And oh, that baby smell! Woweee. My gf had a similar experience of babysitting and kids in general. She's says, "I don't like kids, except for MY kids." She made some great kids. And thanks for feeding the birds, Meryl! xoxo
Beautiful writing Nan. You express what I can only imagine many women also feel. I never wanted kids in my 20’s living in NYC, as I wanted to be a “career woman”! But when I met Richard in my 30’s and fell in love, I began to feel that time clock ticking and realized I wanted nothing more than to have at least one child. Fast forward 7 years of miscarriages and a near-death experience of an ectopic pregnancy, after years of fertility treatments and taking my temperature every day (ugh). Felt myself to be a total failure as a woman. Gave up everything including my career in NYC and moved upstate, lost. I floundered that year, and connected with Jenna Houston (midwife) who put me on some Chinese herbs to heal my insides. Six months later, I was pregnant. Our son, Chris, was born when I was 41. He is the greatest gift of my life. And - it would have been so hard to raise him by myself.
I honor women, period. Our biology presents us with all of the challenges you have described and more. Having to make all of these difficult decisions about bringing a new life into this world and then being a wise, caring guide through that person’s lifetime is truly what every woman on the planet faces. Thank you for sharing your journey about this.
Mary Anne, We share some history. Five years, all the treatment in the world including Chinese herbs, one early stage miscarriage I call my "Flicker Baby," and it wasn't meant to be. When I hear you write "the greatest gift of my life" as so many others have, it makes me wonder about that. About what I never got to experience. My life would've been so different, that's for sure.
I don't walk around with a lot of "alas" in my heart, but there are times when it comes back to me, what was not to be. Nancy
I feel that Nancy. And just like so many paths not taken, one can never really know. What I do know is that “mothering” is not limited to our own children (or humans!) There are so many ways we can give and share our love and wisdom with others. One of the most important people in my life was my Aunt Marge (who never had children). In many ways, she and I shared a very special bond that I didn’t have with my own mother - I learned so much from her about life that my mother could never have taught me. And I know that in many ways, she felt I was the daughter she had never had. Sending you a hug.
Oh, Mary Anne. Thank you for sharing your story. I'd never heard it before. You had quite the journey as well. Sending you so much love and appreciation for the difference you make in so many lives. Big hugs to you.
Your thoughtful, honest writing, your clarity and compassion for yourself, children and mothers is the best Mother’s Day gift. My love for you, my daughter, is non negotiable.
This is so gorgeous. I felt like I was right there with you on this journey - beginning to end. I also DIED at your choice of condoms and considering yourself a good host! 🤣
Thanks! I enjoy providing some laughs once in a while!
Wow. I just stumbled upon your Substack and felt called to read this one. I’m only 34 and married to a man. I long to be a mother but it’s not in the cards for me. I struggle with depression and a personality disorder. I love kids and I’m glad they’re part of my work life but I would do anything for one of mine however I know that would be irresponsible. I’m currently grieving the loss of what will never be. Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t.
Oh, Kate. Thank you for sharing that with me and everyone else. I totally get it, and obviously respect your commitment to parenting/not parenting and teasing that out. You never know, though, what might show up in the future for you. Things change. I think that’s the only thing we can count on. Sending warm thoughts your way. All the best.
I loved my mother to the ends of this earth and beyond, but we struggled together until the very end of her life. I think mothering a daughter was just very hard for her, for a multitude of reasons. The mothering I’ve had in my life has come from other women, some of them mothers and some not. Sometimes you don’t realize the gift of the mothering you’re giving is what I’m trying to say. You’re a gem and I’m so glad I found you here. I loved this piece.
Thank you Ally. Yes, the idea of motherhood was so complex for me, and turning away from it was painful, and a responsible choice. I love my mom, and our relationship is challenging for both of us. I have empathy for how she struggled in her own childhood and adulthood. I appreciate so much about her. And it's hard. I've found mother figures in so many places. My teacher and neighbors especially when I was growing up. But ultimately I must learn to parent myself. And I'm so glad I found you. I think we have Shalom Auslander to thank for that, if I'm recalling correctly. Hugs to you!
It’s such a layered topic for so many of us. And yes, I think it was Shalom! Hugs.
I also had an aunt who had children but she was my special person who kept me upright. And I have a niece who offers some of that infinite experience. Yet, as I explore it more lately, at least for me, It may be coming to terms with the loss. Yes, there was a loss, and as odd as it may seem, more the loss of the feelng-experience than anything else.
I understand that so well. Thank you for sharing so generously about your experience.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to so many feelings you've described. I never babysat, but I expected to have kids later. But then life and things. I had some challenging teenage years. But thanks to my mom making gynecologist appointments for my sister and me when we were of age and my serious fear of ever being faced with deciding if I wanted to have a child or an abortion, unlike more than a few girls who dropped out of high school to have their babies or had abortions.
I went to college with a vague but definite plan to meet someone special, get married, and then have kids… someday. I did make it through college but no marriage and no kids. Eventually, I was diagnosed with endometriosis (did I need to take birth-control pills all those years?), made it through grad school, bouts of depression, a bad news boyfriend, spinal injury, a suicide attempt, and a complete rebuilding of my life, and all of a sudden, I'm 40! I'm in the best place mentally, partner, and home wise that I've ever been. But I shouldn't lift my cat, who is over 14 pounds now. And taking care of myself better is something I’m still learning.
Every day, I’m grateful for being Aunt Jessie to four kids now, ages 24, 19, 14, and 9. Last year, I got married, so I am now an auntie to three nephews and a niece, all under 6 years old. It’s the best ever! Maybe something will change, but if not, I adore the children I know and love. I can take videos of trains and cats to share with the kids and get dinosaur masks for them and birthday cake for me as they grow up.
Oh, Jessie! Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. How kind of you to extend yourself in this way. I'm so glad to hear that your life is going well, and that you are surrounded by love and the opportunity to be Aunt Jessie to some very lucky kids. It's so good to have those children around. They make such a difference in our lives.
I think a combination of Mary Poppins and Maria von Trap sounds pretty awesome. Such a complicated topic, and I appreciate reading about your perspective through the years. I’m glad you always stayed true to you and didn’t let yourself rush into anything. Families are what we make of them…. The roles you have played for others and other people’s kids all count.
Thanks for reading, Amy. It is a complicated topic, and I definitely had to examine myself and my values carefully. There were a lot of areas of my life that were decidedly chaotic, especially in my 20s and 30s. This area of my life was not, thankfully. I'm clear that there are so many ways to make a contribution to people, without needing to parent. That belief has only strengthened as I've gotten older.
I wish we didn’t have a society which made this an expectation, a foregone conclusion, a to-do, and left any of us in positions where we have to justify or feel judged based on whether we did or didn’t. I guess I somehow don’t think it is the most important thing. I can respect others who hold that view, of course, but I think we inherited so many narratives about how things are supposed to work and what counts and what the dominos look like. Luckily, many of us change those narratives in little ways every day and keep doing so. No need to reply — just thinking out loud.
I love it when you think out loud. So many good thoughts in that head of yours.
This is hands down my favorite post of yours so far. The phrasing is memorable, and as usual, there are pieces of your experience and thought process that resonate with my own. Our differences intrigue me as much as our similarities. I despised babysitting! Absolutely hated it! The exception, though, was babysitting that involved getting to hold and smell infants. As for contraception, I didn’t “suit up” to the degree you did in the years before I was done with men, but that’s because I knew I could and would get an abortion. Single parenting was never an option for me, either, and by the time I was 30 pregnancy wasn’t an option for health reasons. I did ultimately become a mother at 39, thanks to my wife, reproductive technology, and enough maturity and therapy to feel able to avoid reproducing the parenting I had experienced.
I love that! We all make choices. I'm glad you were able to be a parent, and you both raised a wonderful human. And oh, that baby smell! Woweee. My gf had a similar experience of babysitting and kids in general. She's says, "I don't like kids, except for MY kids." She made some great kids. And thanks for feeding the birds, Meryl! xoxo
Beautiful writing Nan. You express what I can only imagine many women also feel. I never wanted kids in my 20’s living in NYC, as I wanted to be a “career woman”! But when I met Richard in my 30’s and fell in love, I began to feel that time clock ticking and realized I wanted nothing more than to have at least one child. Fast forward 7 years of miscarriages and a near-death experience of an ectopic pregnancy, after years of fertility treatments and taking my temperature every day (ugh). Felt myself to be a total failure as a woman. Gave up everything including my career in NYC and moved upstate, lost. I floundered that year, and connected with Jenna Houston (midwife) who put me on some Chinese herbs to heal my insides. Six months later, I was pregnant. Our son, Chris, was born when I was 41. He is the greatest gift of my life. And - it would have been so hard to raise him by myself.
I honor women, period. Our biology presents us with all of the challenges you have described and more. Having to make all of these difficult decisions about bringing a new life into this world and then being a wise, caring guide through that person’s lifetime is truly what every woman on the planet faces. Thank you for sharing your journey about this.
Mary Anne, We share some history. Five years, all the treatment in the world including Chinese herbs, one early stage miscarriage I call my "Flicker Baby," and it wasn't meant to be. When I hear you write "the greatest gift of my life" as so many others have, it makes me wonder about that. About what I never got to experience. My life would've been so different, that's for sure.
I don't walk around with a lot of "alas" in my heart, but there are times when it comes back to me, what was not to be. Nancy
I feel that Nancy. And just like so many paths not taken, one can never really know. What I do know is that “mothering” is not limited to our own children (or humans!) There are so many ways we can give and share our love and wisdom with others. One of the most important people in my life was my Aunt Marge (who never had children). In many ways, she and I shared a very special bond that I didn’t have with my own mother - I learned so much from her about life that my mother could never have taught me. And I know that in many ways, she felt I was the daughter she had never had. Sending you a hug.
Oh, Mary Anne. Thank you for sharing your story. I'd never heard it before. You had quite the journey as well. Sending you so much love and appreciation for the difference you make in so many lives. Big hugs to you.
Back acha girl!!! :)
Your thoughtful, honest writing, your clarity and compassion for yourself, children and mothers is the best Mother’s Day gift. My love for you, my daughter, is non negotiable.