It's very difficult, as a child, to be the new kid. I also know because I went to eight different schools from second to eighth grade. With all the turmoil at such a young age no wonder kids can;t find themselves or feel safe enough to make new friends. Just when you are feeling somewhat secure the rug is pulled from under you with another move.
This impacts our entire lives. Therapy, introspection, writing, etc. are all very helpful tools. Yet, with age, I've come to accept myself, faults and all.
A beautiful thing, to be your own best friend. I share that with you. I've learned to self-sustain from years of time alone. When I was a child it was painful, as an adult I've grown to know that though I enjoy being out in the world, and I need connection, the one I always depend first is me. I'm sorry you moved so much. That's a hard one. xo
We can indeed, though I try very hard to be a good human. People can be very disappointing. We all have damage of varying degrees. It’s what we do with the damage that matters most I think. Thanks for reading and commenting. xo
Humans can be so cruel, can't we?! What a set of experiences you have navigated, Nan. And here you are on the other side of it, standing in your power, helping us to do so, too. Thank you for sharing!
This was great Nan! I'm glad I found your writing. I've been there with finding my people and then being misunderstood. Rumors! Kids can be cruel, but it still stings
Gosh, what a heartbreaking post, but at the same time, holding the light which I love. Sorry you find it necessary to move on from your group, but I trust in your decision to do so. We leave all situations in time, sometimes with tears and a hug farewell and sometimes with a boot in our ass. The boot contains our own foot as we create the realities that bring us to the choice to leave. You will quickly find those you are seeking, I have no doubt. 💚
I'm sorry I have to move on, as well. I just think it's the next right thing for me. And I'll keep in touch with so many of the women I've met there. I'm thinking of it as one season ending and flowing into the next. That brings comfort. xo
Yes, the thing about his name. It's not a pseudonym. What's even stranger/funnier is the other young man who did me wrong at 14 was also named Peter. Oiks. I actually had a FB chat with Peter #1 recently, sort of by accident. He had no recollection of what happened, didn't want to know, acknowledged he was an asshole, and that he's living a life riddled with self-loathing. There's a part of me that really wants to send him a link to this essay. But what it would it achieve? So I'm sitting with it. xo
Thank you for sharing little Nan. I’m so sorry for this crap she had to deal with. And may wise now Nan keep learning and finding community and love that buoys her. ♥️
Thanks, Holly. I've found wonderful community here on Substack, and I will keep plugging away to find the other things I need to enhance my life. Seems that the growing up thing never ends. xo
Hi Nan, Thanks once more for your honest share. I visited the meeting and missed seeing you. I can hear your milestones and brave work in your writing. I've been looking for a smaller meeting where I can fit in. I have my home group and a Thurs. Eve which works for me along with support people and phone calls. Anyway-wishing you all the best and hope to see you in the rooms. So good to hear your recovery during the ups and downs. Peace, Pamela
Hey, Pamela! I was going to reach out to you. Let's talk soon. AND thank you so much for becoming a paid subscriber, that really touched me. So sweet of you. xoxo
Hi Nan, Yes! Let's connect. I'm pretty open tomorrow afternoon/evening. If you want to text a time I can call you-that works too. I'm trying to find some hope and peace after the incomprehensible election results. Trying not to go into behaviors that numb. I'm holding on to my HP as best I can and calling the angel armies. I had some peace/shift towards more forgiveness related to my dad who died 1 year ago after a step 11 time. Grateful! Sleep has been difficult the last few months and still struggling despite all the supplements. Sleep stories help. I'm praying for more love in the atmosphere and more angel armies. It's all I got. And Jonathan Van Ess telling us: WE ARE GOING TO GET THRU THIS!! Wishing you peace and all good, Pamela PS Gratitude is good! My youngest Winnie and I found some support groups that they seem interested in. AND our relationship is becoming sweeter and evolving in a positive way. SO GRATEFUL!
I really felt this one, Nan. Not only could I feel young Nan going through it, but you also reminded me of similar feelings (though in different situations) that I had growing up. Another powerful piece. And I’m really sorry about your meeting. I know what a blow that is. XO
Thanks, Chris. Yeah, the meeting thing is really sad. I'm very unsure of where to go next. At the moment, I'm shopping around. I made some very powerful connections with great women. The ones that are most important to me will remain my friends. The rest will fall away. Sometimes it's time to go and we don't know it until it's glaringly clear. My therapist and my sponsor have assured me that all will be well. Gotta keep trusting, right? xo
My heart hurts for younger, Nan. And for Nan today and that ongoing feeling of not belonging. It also brought back memories of playing spin the bottle when all I really wanted to be doing was watch TV with my folks, or be home reading snug in my pajamas.
Your essay has ignited a question about writers- in general of course. Are we mostly beings that don't fit in? Reminds me of the title of my memoir, The BreakAway Girl. How many of us here writing on substack are our own version of breakaways?
I definitely think that creative people are often outcasts...is it because we think differently, see the world from more a mindful and sometimes hyper-vigilant place? Because we don't take things at face value? Because we dare to say the Emperor isn't wearing any clothes? Truth-tellers are shunned far too often. It's a great question, Paulette. Love to you. xo
This: "I’m gonna let go of worrying about what others think of me and do a daily check-in on what I think of me. Of what I’ve done well, and what I can do better." Amazing how you have--again-- managed to transmute pain/rejection/exclusion into a deep growth experience and sharing it so openly and vulnerably to allow us all to connect and learn. Once again, so much gratitude and love.
Thanks, Nome. I think that sentence is a hopeful projection of where I'd like to be. Right now, feelings are still raw, and I know time will change that for me. Pain is part of growth, dammit!
Hugs and hearts go out to you Nan. There is so much here; being new, adolescence, feeling alone, bullies, Recovery… I could relate and had all kinds of feelings come up as I read this. I am sorry you went through it. Thank you for this piece and for your voice. Never stop writing! (I know you won’t 😉) xox
Thanks, Rhaine. I don't know about never...but for now, writing has been one of the most positive things I've ever done. I think I owe most of that to my 12 Step experience. My BFF said to me recently, "Nan, you're self-actualizing!" I think she's right. And there are plenty of growing pains. xoxo
This took me right back to the hellhole of 7th grade, and I feel it in my body. I wish I could punch that shit, slimy-lipped boy in the face for younger Nan. For older Nan, too. I know, I know. We're all god's children, etc. But damn. An all-women's meeting saved my life, probably literally. It was my first group, and they were amazing and safe (many having been in recovery for a long time), and I then thought that all meetings were like that. I learned that they are not. I hope you can find one that is a better fit for who you are becoming. Thank you for this honest, vulnerable piece (even if it took me back to 7th grade 🙂).
I actually was in touch with Peter on FB a few years ago through a HS page. He sent me a friend request and I freaked out and sent him a message. He didn't remember. "I do not recall any interactions in JrHS but as I was kind of an asshole back then I am sure I was an asshole to you and while I am not remember it I am truly sorry if I caused you any hardship." So sad. I asked him if he wanted me to fill him in.
His response: "I already have more self loathing than i can handle without being reminded how I hurt you 45+ years ago. Again I am sorry and wish you peace and happiness." There's a part of me that wants to send him a link to this essay, but the overwhelming feeling is to just let it go. I'm going to think about it. The saddest part for me is that I've carried this resentment and hurt with me for such a long time.
I want to find the next right meeting...so far, I've not been very lucky. Moving from eating disorder 12 Step to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. So far, lots of dysfunction with not much recovery is what I'm been seeing. I'm a woman without a country for now, but I'll find I need. In the meantime I have me and the people in my world who I simply adore.
For whatever it's worth to you, your note here reminds me of an encounter I had with a former student not too long ago. I ran into him out in the world, where I didn't recognize him, though he did me. He had been a bottled up keg of a young man, with severe hair and squeaky-clean shoes and clothes, a sharp tongue, and a sullen attitude. The still-young-but about 15 years older young man I ran into had a mane of wild hair, a tie-dye t-shirt, and a good laugh. I admitted that I couldn't place him, and he said, "That's OK. I was a shit in high school." A few minutes later, it came to me. I pieced together, from our brief conversation, that he was likely gay. He had been a teenager in a conservative, religious family in a conservative community. As we were leaving, I stopped by his table to say good-bye. I told him that I remembered who he was, and said, "You weren't a shit. I think you were just very unhappy." I'll always remember the look that came over his face, and how sincere his simple, "Yeah, I was. Thank you," was. The dynamic was different--he was not my peer, and he did not cause anything like the harm you experienced. I'm not suggesting the experiences are equivalent, but it helped me see him and some others who made my life difficult through a different lens. And I no longer want to punch 7th grade Peter in the face. Thank you for that. Wish older Peter could make some real amends to you, though.
I agree. I definitely want to extend him some compassion. He stayed in the town we grew up in, married his high school girlfriend and put 4 kids through our school system. I thanked him for his honesty. If I could share this post with him from a place of kindness, so that he could know what he did and specifically how it hurt me, I might. But I don't think it's necessary, he's doing the best he can, I guess, but I'll tell you, time does NOT heal all wounds. I'd like to think that active recovery does.
I really do. I'm so grateful for the women I've connected with through our writing on Substack. Especially now. It's had some of the benefits I used to get from meetings. (I'm not attending any now.)
It's very difficult, as a child, to be the new kid. I also know because I went to eight different schools from second to eighth grade. With all the turmoil at such a young age no wonder kids can;t find themselves or feel safe enough to make new friends. Just when you are feeling somewhat secure the rug is pulled from under you with another move.
This impacts our entire lives. Therapy, introspection, writing, etc. are all very helpful tools. Yet, with age, I've come to accept myself, faults and all.
Today I am my own best friend.
A beautiful thing, to be your own best friend. I share that with you. I've learned to self-sustain from years of time alone. When I was a child it was painful, as an adult I've grown to know that though I enjoy being out in the world, and I need connection, the one I always depend first is me. I'm sorry you moved so much. That's a hard one. xo
Yes, it is. It took years to come to this place, but I made it! Thank you.
We can indeed, though I try very hard to be a good human. People can be very disappointing. We all have damage of varying degrees. It’s what we do with the damage that matters most I think. Thanks for reading and commenting. xo
Humans can be so cruel, can't we?! What a set of experiences you have navigated, Nan. And here you are on the other side of it, standing in your power, helping us to do so, too. Thank you for sharing!
The stories of your childhood gut me. I want to protect that little nan.
I hear you. And thank you, I love you a lot Jeanne! It's my job now to take care of her. I've got more tools to that now. xo
What a nightmare. Those years were so so difficult. But here you are!
They were very difficult, and yup, I'm here, and so are you! xoxo
This was great Nan! I'm glad I found your writing. I've been there with finding my people and then being misunderstood. Rumors! Kids can be cruel, but it still stings
Thanks, Jane!
You’re welcome
Gosh, what a heartbreaking post, but at the same time, holding the light which I love. Sorry you find it necessary to move on from your group, but I trust in your decision to do so. We leave all situations in time, sometimes with tears and a hug farewell and sometimes with a boot in our ass. The boot contains our own foot as we create the realities that bring us to the choice to leave. You will quickly find those you are seeking, I have no doubt. 💚
I'm sorry I have to move on, as well. I just think it's the next right thing for me. And I'll keep in touch with so many of the women I've met there. I'm thinking of it as one season ending and flowing into the next. That brings comfort. xo
Exactly, on to season two. Cheers to that.
Hope you find a new meeting, Nan. 💜 As for "Peter" (aptly named) - wow, we can only hope he didn't continue down that dark path.
Yes, the thing about his name. It's not a pseudonym. What's even stranger/funnier is the other young man who did me wrong at 14 was also named Peter. Oiks. I actually had a FB chat with Peter #1 recently, sort of by accident. He had no recollection of what happened, didn't want to know, acknowledged he was an asshole, and that he's living a life riddled with self-loathing. There's a part of me that really wants to send him a link to this essay. But what it would it achieve? So I'm sitting with it. xo
Oh lord! Well… A Peter once fell off the monkey bars on top of me and sprained my ankle quite badly. Conclusion: Beware Peters…
Of all shapes and sizes...
Nan! That picture is absolutely adorable.
Thank you for sharing little Nan. I’m so sorry for this crap she had to deal with. And may wise now Nan keep learning and finding community and love that buoys her. ♥️
Thanks, Holly. I've found wonderful community here on Substack, and I will keep plugging away to find the other things I need to enhance my life. Seems that the growing up thing never ends. xo
Hi Nan, Thanks once more for your honest share. I visited the meeting and missed seeing you. I can hear your milestones and brave work in your writing. I've been looking for a smaller meeting where I can fit in. I have my home group and a Thurs. Eve which works for me along with support people and phone calls. Anyway-wishing you all the best and hope to see you in the rooms. So good to hear your recovery during the ups and downs. Peace, Pamela
Hey, Pamela! I was going to reach out to you. Let's talk soon. AND thank you so much for becoming a paid subscriber, that really touched me. So sweet of you. xoxo
Hi Nan, Yes! Let's connect. I'm pretty open tomorrow afternoon/evening. If you want to text a time I can call you-that works too. I'm trying to find some hope and peace after the incomprehensible election results. Trying not to go into behaviors that numb. I'm holding on to my HP as best I can and calling the angel armies. I had some peace/shift towards more forgiveness related to my dad who died 1 year ago after a step 11 time. Grateful! Sleep has been difficult the last few months and still struggling despite all the supplements. Sleep stories help. I'm praying for more love in the atmosphere and more angel armies. It's all I got. And Jonathan Van Ess telling us: WE ARE GOING TO GET THRU THIS!! Wishing you peace and all good, Pamela PS Gratitude is good! My youngest Winnie and I found some support groups that they seem interested in. AND our relationship is becoming sweeter and evolving in a positive way. SO GRATEFUL!
I really felt this one, Nan. Not only could I feel young Nan going through it, but you also reminded me of similar feelings (though in different situations) that I had growing up. Another powerful piece. And I’m really sorry about your meeting. I know what a blow that is. XO
Thanks, Chris. Yeah, the meeting thing is really sad. I'm very unsure of where to go next. At the moment, I'm shopping around. I made some very powerful connections with great women. The ones that are most important to me will remain my friends. The rest will fall away. Sometimes it's time to go and we don't know it until it's glaringly clear. My therapist and my sponsor have assured me that all will be well. Gotta keep trusting, right? xo
My heart hurts for younger, Nan. And for Nan today and that ongoing feeling of not belonging. It also brought back memories of playing spin the bottle when all I really wanted to be doing was watch TV with my folks, or be home reading snug in my pajamas.
Your essay has ignited a question about writers- in general of course. Are we mostly beings that don't fit in? Reminds me of the title of my memoir, The BreakAway Girl. How many of us here writing on substack are our own version of breakaways?
I definitely think that creative people are often outcasts...is it because we think differently, see the world from more a mindful and sometimes hyper-vigilant place? Because we don't take things at face value? Because we dare to say the Emperor isn't wearing any clothes? Truth-tellers are shunned far too often. It's a great question, Paulette. Love to you. xo
Thanks for your additions to the inquiry. I think you may have ignited a post. Love back to you, xoxo.
Oh! I love that. Can't wait to read it.
This: "I’m gonna let go of worrying about what others think of me and do a daily check-in on what I think of me. Of what I’ve done well, and what I can do better." Amazing how you have--again-- managed to transmute pain/rejection/exclusion into a deep growth experience and sharing it so openly and vulnerably to allow us all to connect and learn. Once again, so much gratitude and love.
Thanks, Nome. I think that sentence is a hopeful projection of where I'd like to be. Right now, feelings are still raw, and I know time will change that for me. Pain is part of growth, dammit!
xo
Hugs and hearts go out to you Nan. There is so much here; being new, adolescence, feeling alone, bullies, Recovery… I could relate and had all kinds of feelings come up as I read this. I am sorry you went through it. Thank you for this piece and for your voice. Never stop writing! (I know you won’t 😉) xox
Thanks, Rhaine. I don't know about never...but for now, writing has been one of the most positive things I've ever done. I think I owe most of that to my 12 Step experience. My BFF said to me recently, "Nan, you're self-actualizing!" I think she's right. And there are plenty of growing pains. xoxo
This took me right back to the hellhole of 7th grade, and I feel it in my body. I wish I could punch that shit, slimy-lipped boy in the face for younger Nan. For older Nan, too. I know, I know. We're all god's children, etc. But damn. An all-women's meeting saved my life, probably literally. It was my first group, and they were amazing and safe (many having been in recovery for a long time), and I then thought that all meetings were like that. I learned that they are not. I hope you can find one that is a better fit for who you are becoming. Thank you for this honest, vulnerable piece (even if it took me back to 7th grade 🙂).
Thanks, Rita. Yeah, 7th grade.
I actually was in touch with Peter on FB a few years ago through a HS page. He sent me a friend request and I freaked out and sent him a message. He didn't remember. "I do not recall any interactions in JrHS but as I was kind of an asshole back then I am sure I was an asshole to you and while I am not remember it I am truly sorry if I caused you any hardship." So sad. I asked him if he wanted me to fill him in.
His response: "I already have more self loathing than i can handle without being reminded how I hurt you 45+ years ago. Again I am sorry and wish you peace and happiness." There's a part of me that wants to send him a link to this essay, but the overwhelming feeling is to just let it go. I'm going to think about it. The saddest part for me is that I've carried this resentment and hurt with me for such a long time.
I want to find the next right meeting...so far, I've not been very lucky. Moving from eating disorder 12 Step to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. So far, lots of dysfunction with not much recovery is what I'm been seeing. I'm a woman without a country for now, but I'll find I need. In the meantime I have me and the people in my world who I simply adore.
For whatever it's worth to you, your note here reminds me of an encounter I had with a former student not too long ago. I ran into him out in the world, where I didn't recognize him, though he did me. He had been a bottled up keg of a young man, with severe hair and squeaky-clean shoes and clothes, a sharp tongue, and a sullen attitude. The still-young-but about 15 years older young man I ran into had a mane of wild hair, a tie-dye t-shirt, and a good laugh. I admitted that I couldn't place him, and he said, "That's OK. I was a shit in high school." A few minutes later, it came to me. I pieced together, from our brief conversation, that he was likely gay. He had been a teenager in a conservative, religious family in a conservative community. As we were leaving, I stopped by his table to say good-bye. I told him that I remembered who he was, and said, "You weren't a shit. I think you were just very unhappy." I'll always remember the look that came over his face, and how sincere his simple, "Yeah, I was. Thank you," was. The dynamic was different--he was not my peer, and he did not cause anything like the harm you experienced. I'm not suggesting the experiences are equivalent, but it helped me see him and some others who made my life difficult through a different lens. And I no longer want to punch 7th grade Peter in the face. Thank you for that. Wish older Peter could make some real amends to you, though.
I agree. I definitely want to extend him some compassion. He stayed in the town we grew up in, married his high school girlfriend and put 4 kids through our school system. I thanked him for his honesty. If I could share this post with him from a place of kindness, so that he could know what he did and specifically how it hurt me, I might. But I don't think it's necessary, he's doing the best he can, I guess, but I'll tell you, time does NOT heal all wounds. I'd like to think that active recovery does.
Sure agree with you about time, healing, and active recovery. Hope you're able to find the right group sooner than later.
ME too! I don't like being a woman without a country and I'm feeling that on way too many levels at the moment. You know what I mean.
I really do. I'm so grateful for the women I've connected with through our writing on Substack. Especially now. It's had some of the benefits I used to get from meetings. (I'm not attending any now.)
Alléluia! For Little Nan and Grace !! (Love that name for higher power) you are a wonder and I’m so grateful to read your stories, every week!
Thank you, lovely! You're the best. xo
No, YOU are! 😁
🤪