My insomnia is off the charts, but I'm scared to take more than the half a dose of Ambien that I take at night. When I was taking the full dose every night, I noticed my memory slipping. I don't have that problem anymore, but now I can't sleep.
What's an old lady to do?
Thanks for sharing this intense personal information. I thought I was going a little crazy.
You're not going crazy. It's a tough medication for a lot of people. There are lots of doctors and NPs who don't even want to prescribe it. I'm amazed at how many years I was able to take it before the wandering at night started happening. Now, for sleep, because I do still need some help, I take Vistaril (an antihistamine that makes me drowsy AND helps me breathe more clearly so that I can successfully use my CPAP) and a physician prescribed pot gummy. Has been doing the trick for me for more than a year. xo
You have been through some really challenging stuff in your life Nan. Sharing this with all of us opens doorways for compassion and love. I really appreciate your what you’ve been through and where you are now. You give me courage to share my own journey as well. Interesting how different and at the same time similar many of our life paths are. Maybe that’s why we’ve come together.
Mary Anne, you don't know the half of it...but soon you probably will (laughing out loud as I type). I want to write about the hard stuff. There's a lot of hard stuff, and I'm not the only one who's experienced the hard stuff. There's so much shame about so many topics. I want people to know they're not alone. I've wanted to do this for so long. xo
Holy moly Nan - I’ve known you a long time and had no idea this is what your life was like. Blessings and love - so glad you are on the path you are on now. Hooray! You are loved. Xoxox
Of course you didn't. No one did, mostly. And yes, I feel loved by many. I grew up in a house of secrets. I got good at holding secrets. Part of it was a survival skill, and part, self-sabotage. I'm so lucky to be seeing it and living my life more honestly. Love you. xo
Wow, Nan. What a ride. Barbiturates for kids? They had you from an early age. I’m so glad you lived through that. And the rest: holy crap. I thought I held the record for the most psych drugs over the course of a lifetime. There were so many times I was nearly comatose. How did I get through the day? I was fortunate enough to find a doctor who would prescribe a new drug. If it didn’t help, or if the side effects were bad, he’d tell me to stop taking it.
You told this story with great honesty and vulnerability. I have tremendous respect and sympathy - and, naturally, love - for you. Thank you, once again, for sharing your lived experience so vividly. xoxo
Yep. Phenobarbital. They said it wouldn't make me sleepy, that it would go straight to the problem. But I sure was tired. And the rest. It was a hard road for me for sure, and it spiraled into situations (that were partly of my own making) and I never stopped trying to get well, but I sometimes made bad choices. The one I know for sure...I persisted. And I'm thriving. And so many things to write about! This is why I waited so many years to start...Lots of material. Love you, sweetie. xo
Nan, I saw in the comments here plenty of resonant words about this essay - "masterful" and "truth telling" being two that stuck out so clearly to me. Your storytelling here *is* masterful and compelling, as well as powerful and brave in its truth-telling for so many people on similar slopes. I bow to your journey, the pain and the healing. Thank you for sharing so generously.
Thank you, Phoenix. I'm tired of secrets, and if I can tell the stories, the hard stuff it frees me and hopefully makes a difference for others. I want to make a contribution. I love that you read it, and appreciate your comment so much! xo
I'm fascinated, Nan, by the text you left yourself.... the note documenting what you took... for you (as in, "if it worked, here's what it was") or "in case" (in case things went wrong, here's what it was). You had the presence of mind to make that list.... but it could be interpreted in various ways. A really interesting and brave piece. I have thought often about the fact that I "could" take all kinds of things because there is a ton of stuff sitting in my house.... The impression others had of you in high school because of the med you were on....
"That depression began a 35-year nightmare cascade of one pill after another. I came to believe I couldn’t manage my life without them." -- I'm so glad that now it's just an assortment of "old lady" drugs.... and that you are managing that, them, and a lot more.
The text was shocking when I saw it in the morning. I'm grateful that I documented it, for sure. If I hadn't I don't know that I would have pieced it together. I somehow doubt it, you know? The high school thing was hilarious to me. I was such a straight arrow back then (pardon the word choice, because not straight at all!). I've been in and out of denial about the self-treating behavior. Writing these stories is helping me so much, by making me accountable, having witnesses to my life instead of what I've always done, which is have way too many secrets. And the funny thing is, I never thought of myself as a person with secrets. I was trained that way. So much didn't get talked about. I'm finally really having the life I deserve. I'm so glad I was able to be here and do that. Thank you for your kind words, and your friendship, Amy. xo
Thanks for sharing your story here, Nan. You’ve been on quite a journey. I’m so happy for you for adopting a new perspective on your health. This shit ain’t easy. And I bet your essay is going to help some people.
Thanks, Chris. It sure isn't easy, but I'm doing the work. And hope it helps someone, or more someones. Part of the reason I'm telling all is because I want to destigmatize the stuff we don't say, the things are held in shame and secret. Love you, man. You're the best. xo
I'm glad you stuck around long enough for the old-lady meds. I'd hate to think I'd have missed getting to know you. I'm also in that camp of I want all the drugs to make me feel better AND I want no drugs because I'm miss natural healing girl. Moderation. That's a tough one. Thank goodness for the recovery community in all of its iterations where you can walk into a room and say these deep dark secrets and people nod and go, yeah, I get it.
Right? The recovery rooms. I'm treating Substack like a bit of a recovery room in what I'm becoming willing to share, because I've got a feeling that a lot of the people outside of the rooms also nod and go, yeah, I get it, too. I want the people who read my essays to know or start feeling more normalized regarding their dark secrets. Lifting the shame that accompanies so many of our stories is something that I feel very committed to. I would have missed out, too, Jodi, on getting to know you do. I'm grateful that you didn't leave as well. Love you. xo
Boy, how times have changed! I'm lucky to get any pill from a doctor nowadays. I used to take trazadone for sleep, but my present doctor weaned me off of it. Opiates? Only if I have surgery. But I've been on Zoloft for 17 years, and she lets me take that. Levothyroxine for my thyroid and that's it. And a multivitamin. I guess the less we take the better, but in the 1960s it was pills for everything. Now they know better and advise accordingly. I believe in body wisdom, and I figure it will tell me what it needs. Like when I abused diuretics many years ago, I was putting mustard on everything to replace the sodium I was losing, or potassium, I forget which. But my body was screaming for something! Anyway, less is more as they say in home decorating. :)
I believe that less is more for sure. It's still not that hard to get medications, in my experience, especially among psychopharmacologists. They're always tweaking something. I'm very happy to be on the other side of all of that, for real. xo
Thank you, Amrita. It's really important to me to get more and more honest about my life, my history. I love that I've found a place and my voice to do that. With love, xo.
I’ve needed medication a couple of times in my life and it worked wonders. But it was one pill for a few years. I do remember being prescribed sleeping pills when I was in my late 20’s. Because I had trouble waking up, I was prescribed waking up pills for morning. I knew intuitively this was a “no go” zone so I didn’t even bother filling the prescription and stopped the sleeping pills. They were seductive. Knowing my dad was an alcoholic and died a drug addict, I had a built in warning system that I too could end up there, so I just didn’t go.
Such a great essay Nan. As always, illuminating and entertaining, despite the heavy topic! That’s a gift, my friend.
Thanks for getting it, Kim. Yeah, it snowballs and before you know it, you're a whole regimen that's not necessarily good for you (me). It took me a long time to understand it, what I was doing to myself, and that I don't need to. I'm so happy to be on the othe side of it, and I know I have to stay mindful if I start "forgetting." Love you, kiddo. xo
This essay is a masterpiece, I really think so. I love listening to your audio, which always adds an extra layer of meaning for me. This is the type of truth telling that will help countless others struggling with a psychological and/or physical dependence on medication(s). When SSRIs like Prozac hit the market in the 1990s, they were so widely prescribed that most people got them from their primary care physicians rather than trained psychopharmacologists. I've tried them all, and then some, and they have been very helpful. I'm not against meds at all, but they just one tool in the mental healthcare toolbox. Unfortunately in the US, they are the cheapest and most readily available tool while talk therapy and somatic practices are expensive and not easy to find in more rural areas.
100% agree with all that you've said. I'm grateful there are meds for things that need to be treated. I've needed that throughout my life, and most likely will continue to. And just like my food choices, I need discernment about what's really necessary and what I might be using in place of other tools that, thankfully, I'm fortunate enough to access. Thank you for your kindness, Amy. I'm so very happy to know you. xo
“I realized that I had to choose to participate in my own recovery.” I’m always grateful and challenged by the vulnerability you offer to us in your writing. Thank you.
My insomnia is off the charts, but I'm scared to take more than the half a dose of Ambien that I take at night. When I was taking the full dose every night, I noticed my memory slipping. I don't have that problem anymore, but now I can't sleep.
What's an old lady to do?
Thanks for sharing this intense personal information. I thought I was going a little crazy.
You're not going crazy. It's a tough medication for a lot of people. There are lots of doctors and NPs who don't even want to prescribe it. I'm amazed at how many years I was able to take it before the wandering at night started happening. Now, for sleep, because I do still need some help, I take Vistaril (an antihistamine that makes me drowsy AND helps me breathe more clearly so that I can successfully use my CPAP) and a physician prescribed pot gummy. Has been doing the trick for me for more than a year. xo
You have been through some really challenging stuff in your life Nan. Sharing this with all of us opens doorways for compassion and love. I really appreciate your what you’ve been through and where you are now. You give me courage to share my own journey as well. Interesting how different and at the same time similar many of our life paths are. Maybe that’s why we’ve come together.
Mary Anne, you don't know the half of it...but soon you probably will (laughing out loud as I type). I want to write about the hard stuff. There's a lot of hard stuff, and I'm not the only one who's experienced the hard stuff. There's so much shame about so many topics. I want people to know they're not alone. I've wanted to do this for so long. xo
Holy moly Nan - I’ve known you a long time and had no idea this is what your life was like. Blessings and love - so glad you are on the path you are on now. Hooray! You are loved. Xoxox
Of course you didn't. No one did, mostly. And yes, I feel loved by many. I grew up in a house of secrets. I got good at holding secrets. Part of it was a survival skill, and part, self-sabotage. I'm so lucky to be seeing it and living my life more honestly. Love you. xo
Wow, Nan. What a ride. Barbiturates for kids? They had you from an early age. I’m so glad you lived through that. And the rest: holy crap. I thought I held the record for the most psych drugs over the course of a lifetime. There were so many times I was nearly comatose. How did I get through the day? I was fortunate enough to find a doctor who would prescribe a new drug. If it didn’t help, or if the side effects were bad, he’d tell me to stop taking it.
You told this story with great honesty and vulnerability. I have tremendous respect and sympathy - and, naturally, love - for you. Thank you, once again, for sharing your lived experience so vividly. xoxo
Yep. Phenobarbital. They said it wouldn't make me sleepy, that it would go straight to the problem. But I sure was tired. And the rest. It was a hard road for me for sure, and it spiraled into situations (that were partly of my own making) and I never stopped trying to get well, but I sometimes made bad choices. The one I know for sure...I persisted. And I'm thriving. And so many things to write about! This is why I waited so many years to start...Lots of material. Love you, sweetie. xo
Nan, I saw in the comments here plenty of resonant words about this essay - "masterful" and "truth telling" being two that stuck out so clearly to me. Your storytelling here *is* masterful and compelling, as well as powerful and brave in its truth-telling for so many people on similar slopes. I bow to your journey, the pain and the healing. Thank you for sharing so generously.
Thank you, Phoenix. I'm tired of secrets, and if I can tell the stories, the hard stuff it frees me and hopefully makes a difference for others. I want to make a contribution. I love that you read it, and appreciate your comment so much! xo
Glad you’ve taken the reigns. Going to forward this to a friend of mine who might just benefit 🙏. I enjoyed listening to you reading it. Thank you
Thank you, Simone. I'm glad you're going to share it. That means a lot to me. xo
I'm fascinated, Nan, by the text you left yourself.... the note documenting what you took... for you (as in, "if it worked, here's what it was") or "in case" (in case things went wrong, here's what it was). You had the presence of mind to make that list.... but it could be interpreted in various ways. A really interesting and brave piece. I have thought often about the fact that I "could" take all kinds of things because there is a ton of stuff sitting in my house.... The impression others had of you in high school because of the med you were on....
"That depression began a 35-year nightmare cascade of one pill after another. I came to believe I couldn’t manage my life without them." -- I'm so glad that now it's just an assortment of "old lady" drugs.... and that you are managing that, them, and a lot more.
The text was shocking when I saw it in the morning. I'm grateful that I documented it, for sure. If I hadn't I don't know that I would have pieced it together. I somehow doubt it, you know? The high school thing was hilarious to me. I was such a straight arrow back then (pardon the word choice, because not straight at all!). I've been in and out of denial about the self-treating behavior. Writing these stories is helping me so much, by making me accountable, having witnesses to my life instead of what I've always done, which is have way too many secrets. And the funny thing is, I never thought of myself as a person with secrets. I was trained that way. So much didn't get talked about. I'm finally really having the life I deserve. I'm so glad I was able to be here and do that. Thank you for your kind words, and your friendship, Amy. xo
Thanks for sharing your story here, Nan. You’ve been on quite a journey. I’m so happy for you for adopting a new perspective on your health. This shit ain’t easy. And I bet your essay is going to help some people.
Thanks, Chris! xo
Thanks, Chris. It sure isn't easy, but I'm doing the work. And hope it helps someone, or more someones. Part of the reason I'm telling all is because I want to destigmatize the stuff we don't say, the things are held in shame and secret. Love you, man. You're the best. xo
That’s a truly noble goal, my friend. I love it. And love you too.
I'm so thankful you're here, Nan!
Oh, me too! Me, too. Love you, my dear. xo
I'm glad you stuck around long enough for the old-lady meds. I'd hate to think I'd have missed getting to know you. I'm also in that camp of I want all the drugs to make me feel better AND I want no drugs because I'm miss natural healing girl. Moderation. That's a tough one. Thank goodness for the recovery community in all of its iterations where you can walk into a room and say these deep dark secrets and people nod and go, yeah, I get it.
Right? The recovery rooms. I'm treating Substack like a bit of a recovery room in what I'm becoming willing to share, because I've got a feeling that a lot of the people outside of the rooms also nod and go, yeah, I get it, too. I want the people who read my essays to know or start feeling more normalized regarding their dark secrets. Lifting the shame that accompanies so many of our stories is something that I feel very committed to. I would have missed out, too, Jodi, on getting to know you do. I'm grateful that you didn't leave as well. Love you. xo
Agreed. Substack feels like a safe space to be truthful, to ask questions, to connect. I hope that doesn't change. Thanks for your voice.
I'm acting as if it won't change. Thanks, lovey. xo
Boy, how times have changed! I'm lucky to get any pill from a doctor nowadays. I used to take trazadone for sleep, but my present doctor weaned me off of it. Opiates? Only if I have surgery. But I've been on Zoloft for 17 years, and she lets me take that. Levothyroxine for my thyroid and that's it. And a multivitamin. I guess the less we take the better, but in the 1960s it was pills for everything. Now they know better and advise accordingly. I believe in body wisdom, and I figure it will tell me what it needs. Like when I abused diuretics many years ago, I was putting mustard on everything to replace the sodium I was losing, or potassium, I forget which. But my body was screaming for something! Anyway, less is more as they say in home decorating. :)
I believe that less is more for sure. It's still not that hard to get medications, in my experience, especially among psychopharmacologists. They're always tweaking something. I'm very happy to be on the other side of all of that, for real. xo
So honest and revealing. Oh, the work we all face! And you keep doing the work. Good on you, Nan.
Thank you, Amrita. It's really important to me to get more and more honest about my life, my history. I love that I've found a place and my voice to do that. With love, xo.
Yep. Yeppity yep!
Exactly! xo
What Amy said! 👆
I’ve needed medication a couple of times in my life and it worked wonders. But it was one pill for a few years. I do remember being prescribed sleeping pills when I was in my late 20’s. Because I had trouble waking up, I was prescribed waking up pills for morning. I knew intuitively this was a “no go” zone so I didn’t even bother filling the prescription and stopped the sleeping pills. They were seductive. Knowing my dad was an alcoholic and died a drug addict, I had a built in warning system that I too could end up there, so I just didn’t go.
Such a great essay Nan. As always, illuminating and entertaining, despite the heavy topic! That’s a gift, my friend.
Thanks for getting it, Kim. Yeah, it snowballs and before you know it, you're a whole regimen that's not necessarily good for you (me). It took me a long time to understand it, what I was doing to myself, and that I don't need to. I'm so happy to be on the othe side of it, and I know I have to stay mindful if I start "forgetting." Love you, kiddo. xo
This essay is a masterpiece, I really think so. I love listening to your audio, which always adds an extra layer of meaning for me. This is the type of truth telling that will help countless others struggling with a psychological and/or physical dependence on medication(s). When SSRIs like Prozac hit the market in the 1990s, they were so widely prescribed that most people got them from their primary care physicians rather than trained psychopharmacologists. I've tried them all, and then some, and they have been very helpful. I'm not against meds at all, but they just one tool in the mental healthcare toolbox. Unfortunately in the US, they are the cheapest and most readily available tool while talk therapy and somatic practices are expensive and not easy to find in more rural areas.
100% agree with all that you've said. I'm grateful there are meds for things that need to be treated. I've needed that throughout my life, and most likely will continue to. And just like my food choices, I need discernment about what's really necessary and what I might be using in place of other tools that, thankfully, I'm fortunate enough to access. Thank you for your kindness, Amy. I'm so very happy to know you. xo
“I realized that I had to choose to participate in my own recovery.” I’m always grateful and challenged by the vulnerability you offer to us in your writing. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Erin. That makes me happy to hear!