This is so beautiful, Nan, and congratulations on seeing the steps through! I I find the most contentment in the open-handed "I don't know" that you describe here. Long live the mystery, and all the connections it inspires.
Absolutely. The mystery gets more appealing as each day passes. It's exciting, actually. And the more I come from "not knowing" the more magic shows up. xo
In AA we pray "to be relieved of the bondage of self." Before I took the first 3 (the God) steps, I was God in my life. I was responsible for everything, thought I knew a hell of a lot, and was incapable of surrender. Then I had a breakdown and retired from the job I adored. That was my bottom. That's when I surrendered my power over many things. I saw, and still see, the damage an overactive ego does to me. I learned humility. I stopped needing absolute control all the time. I found my humanity and became one with my fellows. Giving myself over to God has gotten me off the hook cuz I was really fucking up in my life. And I've never known "happy, joyous and free" like I do now. Thank God for 12 step recovery. It has taught me how to be happy.
You said it all. That's what's been happening for me, too. "Don't Tell Me What To Do," my recently republished story is about that topic. I've found so much peace in knowing that I'm not in control in any way that matters about most things. This makes so much room for me to pay attention to the things I can accomplish, and by no coincidence, the things that bring me the most joy. Without the 12-step program, I wouldn't be writing. Program set that part of me free. What a boon! xo
I love synchronous happenings too. I gave up thinking of them as mere coincidences years ago but always appreciate the reminder of examples. Realizing we are the same age is one of those fun moments.
Thank you for writing this essay and sharing how you cope. I’m heartened by your work and the way you see the world. I see my therapist every Monday morning too. So chalk up another one. Have a great weekend.
I noticed that note in the bathroom and thought there must be an interesting story behind it. Then I forgot to ask. This podcast filled me in, much appreciated!
I love how cozy and welcoming your home is, Nan! I also really appreciate what you shared about synchronicities—how our perspective can evolve. At first, synchronicities might seem like simple coincidences, but as we grow more familiar with our inner landscape (and feel more at home in it), they begin to become evidence of the deeper connection between our inner experiences and the outer world. Co-creation in action!
Thanks, Cathy. For accuracy's sake, I finished the steps over a year ago. It was an accomplishment, and from what I've learned, it probably won't be the only time I do them! xo
This is so beautiful, Nan, and congratulations on seeing the steps through! I I find the most contentment in the open-handed "I don't know" that you describe here. Long live the mystery, and all the connections it inspires.
Absolutely. The mystery gets more appealing as each day passes. It's exciting, actually. And the more I come from "not knowing" the more magic shows up. xo
As my granddaughters say, "Yesssss, gurrrlll."
They really do text that to me.
Your honestly means so much to those of us trying to figure out many of the same things!
Yaaassss, gurllll!!! xo
Welcome home, indeed! Beautiful. I love synchronicities like these.
Thanks, and yes! Me too. I seem to have become quite a believer in that kind of magic! xo
Congratulations Nan! This is such a cool story! I love that this is a synchronicity story! A little wink from the universe 😍
Thanks, Lyns! Love getting winked out by the universe. A powerful place, indeed! xo
In AA we pray "to be relieved of the bondage of self." Before I took the first 3 (the God) steps, I was God in my life. I was responsible for everything, thought I knew a hell of a lot, and was incapable of surrender. Then I had a breakdown and retired from the job I adored. That was my bottom. That's when I surrendered my power over many things. I saw, and still see, the damage an overactive ego does to me. I learned humility. I stopped needing absolute control all the time. I found my humanity and became one with my fellows. Giving myself over to God has gotten me off the hook cuz I was really fucking up in my life. And I've never known "happy, joyous and free" like I do now. Thank God for 12 step recovery. It has taught me how to be happy.
You said it all. That's what's been happening for me, too. "Don't Tell Me What To Do," my recently republished story is about that topic. I've found so much peace in knowing that I'm not in control in any way that matters about most things. This makes so much room for me to pay attention to the things I can accomplish, and by no coincidence, the things that bring me the most joy. Without the 12-step program, I wouldn't be writing. Program set that part of me free. What a boon! xo
Hi Nan,
I love synchronous happenings too. I gave up thinking of them as mere coincidences years ago but always appreciate the reminder of examples. Realizing we are the same age is one of those fun moments.
Thank you for writing this essay and sharing how you cope. I’m heartened by your work and the way you see the world. I see my therapist every Monday morning too. So chalk up another one. Have a great weekend.
I love that about our ages and therapy! My therapist’s first name is Chris. What’s yours? Wouldn’t that be funny? A trifecta! xo
Mine’s Rachel. I’m sure with a little digging we’ll find other aspects of our lives that intersect. Keep writing and I’ll let you know!
Sounds like a plan! xo
I noticed that note in the bathroom and thought there must be an interesting story behind it. Then I forgot to ask. This podcast filled me in, much appreciated!
That's the story! It's when I came home from my trip to Thailand. xo
I love how cozy and welcoming your home is, Nan! I also really appreciate what you shared about synchronicities—how our perspective can evolve. At first, synchronicities might seem like simple coincidences, but as we grow more familiar with our inner landscape (and feel more at home in it), they begin to become evidence of the deeper connection between our inner experiences and the outer world. Co-creation in action!
Yes! That's it. xo
What a lovely story! Congratulations. That's huge!
Congratulations, Nan! Finishing all twelve steps is a great accomplishment - learning from them at such a deep level, as you have, is wondrous!! 💕
Thanks, Cathy. For accuracy's sake, I finished the steps over a year ago. It was an accomplishment, and from what I've learned, it probably won't be the only time I do them! xo
One of my favorite lines that I’ve used for 35 years is “coincidences are Gd‘s way of staying anonymous.”
That’s a good one, Jane! xo
Oh wow! 🤩 I loved this! More and more and more layers of vulnerability… and overcoming doubt. Welcome home :)
Thank you, Audrey. Yes. Stick around....I seem to be baring it all! It's so good to be home. xo