Committing to the work of a 12 Step program has been the most important resource for healing and understanding myself. And it's giving me the clarity to finally claim the descriptor "writer." I wouldn't be writing if it weren't for program. I know that at my core.
This piece resonates for me so much. Thank you so much for writing it -- and, oh my gosh -- keep doing what you're doing to love and care for yourself!
Great piece, Nan. Thank you. My dear departed friend, Jimmy P, with whom I appeared in 12 Step plays in San Francisco, once sang, 'There's no business like YOUR business, there's no business I know....'
Beautiful and resonant, Nan. The hypervigilance, the father who is a child, the constant monitoring of his moods - I know this all too well. I can’t say, however, that I’ve reached the place you have. I’m still trying to raise my father, and I’m still heartbroken every time I hurt him by trying to change the dynamics. He HAS changed and is trying, but truly does not seem to have emotional capacity beyond a certain point. In some ways, my biggest work now is making peace with how we are - knowing that I only see him once a year, we don’t have many years left together, he loves me unconditionally, and we did the best we could.
Thank you for this thoughtful and personal feedback. I have only made peace with some aspects of our dynamic and I’m working on a memoir now about our relationship. I think one of the reasons that I’m where I am with this understanding is that I don’t have to put it into practice with him. He died 13 years ago. I’ve had a lot of time to grieve and come to terms with the things that didn’t work, and I’m left with the sure knowledge that he loved me fiercely and did the best he could. And his best was very good. He was in a lot of personal pain his whole life. I loved him very much. Still do.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Nan. It really lands with me. Although my dad is still alive, a huge part of my own path of healing is possible because we see each other so rarely. As painful as that is for me to say - and even though I recognize the loss in it - I know it to be true. With distance, I find it easier to touch into how much we love each other, how much he has done what he could, and all the goodness about him and our relationship. ❤️
Thank you, Finley! I'm learning so much about myself, and my takeaway from all the work is that my life is just beginning in so many ways! I'm so lucky. xoxo
Ah, Nan, this piece - this piece! I can't tell you how many times I gasped and groaned aloud with recognition. I wanted to underline every other sentence. Phew. I'm going to have to sit with a lot of these gems for a while. In the meantime, thank you for unabashedly voicing the hard truths here that you've so attentively and lovingly and tenaciously worked to understand on your own journey. I love that you are looking in the mirror and seeing YOU!
Bravo to you for doing the (hard) work of enabling that seenness! We are ALL better off for it. And, for the record, I am only learning now to say no to things that start at 8 pm given my proclivity for early bedtimes. ;)
I never knew until recently. Quiet mornings for writing really work for me! With a cup of coffee. (But so do quiet afternoons, quiet evenings, quiet middle-of-the-nights) I guess I like quiet.
My single mother, your grandmother was a person who sincerely cared about people. She never admitted she was lonely. People of all ages sought her out for her wise words. That was her way to thank them for their trust in her and ease her loneliness, I imagine now. She taught me by example to not expect anything in return for doing good deeds. It’s never too late to grow as an authentic giving adult. ❣️
She was a wise and loving woman, indeed. We were very lucky to have her. Maybe she wasn't lonely? I never got to ask her that. She built a life for herself, raising you and Seymour. She did her job. But was she lonely? Maybe she wasn't. Which doesn't minimize her loss. She was self-sufficient, savored the things that gave her pleasure. She was soft and vulnerable, and strong and powerful. Little Rosie. The best.
beautiful piece. "It’s hard to be seen when you don’t know who you are." That's it in a nutshell innit? I'm not surprised to read about the codependent relationship with your dad, with his child-self. We learn what we see. Mom was a martyr, always putting herself last. It was: strangers, friends, family, herself. In that order. I mean, Get off the cross Lainie, we need the wood! But I picked up on that, in my own way. The way you heard your therapist like a lighting bolt, I heard from a fellow drunk in AA, "I equated being needed with being loved." Bang. That was me, that was her. I needed broken people in my life to feel worthy. Sometimes you don't know what's right in front of your face until you see/hear it from someone else who can see us clearly. You go on with your badass self, nothing in life is a straight line. It's like autopilot, it's not direct, it's constant correction and realignment and as long as we're going in the right direction (generally speaking) it's all good. Love ya long time.
Thank you, Jodi. That IS it in a nutshell. You pulled my favorite sentence in the essay. Yup. I've been looking at so many aspects of my upbringing, the choices I've made. I'm writing a memoir about my dad and our relationship. I worshipped him, much to my detriment, it turns out. Which is not to say that we didn't love each other. There was so much love there, but I was parenting him. Doesn't work, not at all. More to come. Love you so much, my wise and funny friend. So glad I know you. xoxo
Such a profound look inside of yourself. The 12 step program that you speak about, this morning
Committing to the work of a 12 Step program has been the most important resource for healing and understanding myself. And it's giving me the clarity to finally claim the descriptor "writer." I wouldn't be writing if it weren't for program. I know that at my core.
The essay you speak of can be found on the app, or here: https://nantepper.substack.com/p/recovery-the-great-leveler
Yes
This piece resonates for me so much. Thank you so much for writing it -- and, oh my gosh -- keep doing what you're doing to love and care for yourself!
Thank you, Heidi. I will!
Wonderful to watch the transformation and the love you have for yourself, all the yous.
Thanks, Marguerite! xoxo
Oh, Nan!
Yes? xoxo
That's just me swooning! xo
I just wanted to make sure I was understanding you correctly...that was my working theory! xoxo
Thank,you, dear Nan …. As Helen reddy said..> you have come a long way, baby
Chiz! Is that you? So happy you’re here. And you’re right. I have. Sending love to you.
Yes, this is chiz.
I live in San Diego. On the beach… love sent back to you.
I know you’re in San Diego. Enjoy the weather, the beach, and the people. I’m so lucky to know you. xoxo
Great piece, Nan. Thank you. My dear departed friend, Jimmy P, with whom I appeared in 12 Step plays in San Francisco, once sang, 'There's no business like YOUR business, there's no business I know....'
That's fabulous! What are 12 Step plays? I've never heard of that! Love to you, Billie!
You captured the deep work of recovery, and I applaude your courage and honesty.
Thank you so much, Tricia. Doing the work every day. I'm so grateful to have finally let it in.
Your introspection is powerful to read!
Thank you, Amy!
Powerful story, Nan!
Thanks, Mr. Troy!
Beautiful and resonant, Nan. The hypervigilance, the father who is a child, the constant monitoring of his moods - I know this all too well. I can’t say, however, that I’ve reached the place you have. I’m still trying to raise my father, and I’m still heartbroken every time I hurt him by trying to change the dynamics. He HAS changed and is trying, but truly does not seem to have emotional capacity beyond a certain point. In some ways, my biggest work now is making peace with how we are - knowing that I only see him once a year, we don’t have many years left together, he loves me unconditionally, and we did the best we could.
Thank you for this thoughtful and personal feedback. I have only made peace with some aspects of our dynamic and I’m working on a memoir now about our relationship. I think one of the reasons that I’m where I am with this understanding is that I don’t have to put it into practice with him. He died 13 years ago. I’ve had a lot of time to grieve and come to terms with the things that didn’t work, and I’m left with the sure knowledge that he loved me fiercely and did the best he could. And his best was very good. He was in a lot of personal pain his whole life. I loved him very much. Still do.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Nan. It really lands with me. Although my dad is still alive, a huge part of my own path of healing is possible because we see each other so rarely. As painful as that is for me to say - and even though I recognize the loss in it - I know it to be true. With distance, I find it easier to touch into how much we love each other, how much he has done what he could, and all the goodness about him and our relationship. ❤️
Hey Nan
Beautiful honest writing
So relatable
It took me a long time to take my eyes off the father in all forms
Stop shapeshifting
And look in the mirror
It was others holding a mirror for me
That got me to like what I see
I’m proud of your journey
Thank you for being a mirror
💚
Thanks, Prajna. It does take time, for sure. I'm glad there were people in your corner to reflect back to you what needed to shift. xoxo
I get it. Distance can help so much, geographic and/or emotional. Boundaries abound!
Absolutely beautiful, Nan!
Thank you, Finley! I'm learning so much about myself, and my takeaway from all the work is that my life is just beginning in so many ways! I'm so lucky. xoxo
Wow, Nan! Just wow. You are so brave. 🩷
Thanks, Ann! Love to you. xoxo
Ah, Nan, this piece - this piece! I can't tell you how many times I gasped and groaned aloud with recognition. I wanted to underline every other sentence. Phew. I'm going to have to sit with a lot of these gems for a while. In the meantime, thank you for unabashedly voicing the hard truths here that you've so attentively and lovingly and tenaciously worked to understand on your own journey. I love that you are looking in the mirror and seeing YOU!
Thank you, Kate, for your always generous comments. It's good to be seen by myself and others. Feeling extremely grateful today.
Bravo to you for doing the (hard) work of enabling that seenness! We are ALL better off for it. And, for the record, I am only learning now to say no to things that start at 8 pm given my proclivity for early bedtimes. ;)
I hear that! I love my quiet time at night, and I love going to sleep early...and lately I've been getting up before 6...so I can write!
Ooo, early hours writing is the BEST!
I never knew until recently. Quiet mornings for writing really work for me! With a cup of coffee. (But so do quiet afternoons, quiet evenings, quiet middle-of-the-nights) I guess I like quiet.
My single mother, your grandmother was a person who sincerely cared about people. She never admitted she was lonely. People of all ages sought her out for her wise words. That was her way to thank them for their trust in her and ease her loneliness, I imagine now. She taught me by example to not expect anything in return for doing good deeds. It’s never too late to grow as an authentic giving adult. ❣️
She was a wise and loving woman, indeed. We were very lucky to have her. Maybe she wasn't lonely? I never got to ask her that. She built a life for herself, raising you and Seymour. She did her job. But was she lonely? Maybe she wasn't. Which doesn't minimize her loss. She was self-sufficient, savored the things that gave her pleasure. She was soft and vulnerable, and strong and powerful. Little Rosie. The best.
beautiful piece. "It’s hard to be seen when you don’t know who you are." That's it in a nutshell innit? I'm not surprised to read about the codependent relationship with your dad, with his child-self. We learn what we see. Mom was a martyr, always putting herself last. It was: strangers, friends, family, herself. In that order. I mean, Get off the cross Lainie, we need the wood! But I picked up on that, in my own way. The way you heard your therapist like a lighting bolt, I heard from a fellow drunk in AA, "I equated being needed with being loved." Bang. That was me, that was her. I needed broken people in my life to feel worthy. Sometimes you don't know what's right in front of your face until you see/hear it from someone else who can see us clearly. You go on with your badass self, nothing in life is a straight line. It's like autopilot, it's not direct, it's constant correction and realignment and as long as we're going in the right direction (generally speaking) it's all good. Love ya long time.
Thank you, Jodi. That IS it in a nutshell. You pulled my favorite sentence in the essay. Yup. I've been looking at so many aspects of my upbringing, the choices I've made. I'm writing a memoir about my dad and our relationship. I worshipped him, much to my detriment, it turns out. Which is not to say that we didn't love each other. There was so much love there, but I was parenting him. Doesn't work, not at all. More to come. Love you so much, my wise and funny friend. So glad I know you. xoxo