My Dad died in a hospice facility on the 5th day there, Valentine's Day. 2013. He was watched over by 3 women: his wife and 2 daughters, one of which is me. I am grateful to Spirit that he left this earth on the day of Love, and went home to be with the Greatest Love of all. My Dad showed me unconditional love absolutely. . Thank you for sharing your story, it is painful and glorious, a wonderful testament to the power of Love.
I cried with you, when I read what you wrote. Both my parents are gone, and I very much relate to your love and grief. Thank you! Your Dad must have been a truly wonderful man.
Thank you, William. That's so kind. I miss my father and he was a wonderful man. And a troubled, flawed man as well. I realized after he die just how complicated my relationship with him was. I wore blinders a lot of the time. And I loved so much. And he loved me. xo
I just went through this in 2023. I so identified with your experience. the morphine, the wanting it to be over. I had one more item, though, a meddling tiny frail mother in denial and trying to control everything. I miss him everyday.
Thank you for sharing that. I had one more detail too, about a difficult mother who couldn't understand why no one was paying attention to her during this time of my loss, as they were estranged. But that's a story for another time. All the best. I miss my dad, too, though not everyday. xo
That was hard to read. It was beautiful and I didn't know any of that — your Jewish service life. What you did for him, for yourself, was — I don't even have the word — but a heaviness in the center of my chest. That was hard to read. It was hard to go through with you. Thank you.
The only issue I have with this is that properly administered morphine does not really hasten death and is not considered to be a sanctioned form of euthanasia among hospice workers.
Thank you. I appreciate your input. It's what I was told by more than one hospice nurse and a psychotherapist I was working with at the time. What the therapist told me was that it was a type of "wink, wink" situation in hospice. I'll look at it more closely. But I will say that was the question on my mind as I administered it. xo
Well, it’s of course possible that some hospice workers hold that belief. I certainly can’t speak for the intentions and motives of all death workers. However, there is no evidence that morphine speeds up the dying process. It’s much more likely that there is confusion around what normal symptoms and stages of dying are, and what the side effects of morphine are, because it is often administered part of palliative care at the end of life. I only wanted to point this out as these misconceptions can increase stress and worry unnecessarily at an already challenging time.
I appreciate that and I have to say that I'm not convinced that what you say is entirely accurate because of the depressed breathing that occurs when someone is on opiates. People overdose on them and die. Every day. A person who is dying of a terminal illness is most often frail, old, and quite vulnerable. Never did my father express that he was in pain at any point in his illness. He was automatically given morphine as part of the hospice protocol. I never once said it was a hospice workers intention to hasten death. But I do believe it does hasten death.
While I appreciate your restack, stating your issue with it, and using my story as an example to state your opinion feels a bit cold to me. You seem to have gotten the point of the piece, which is that is a love story of sorts. It describes my experience, my opinions (which are valid), and is a story of my grief.
I was a hospice volunteer for years, did hands-on massage for gay men dying of AIDS in hospice in NYC, and I’ve been around a lot of death. I’ve seen what the morphine does.
Please take the time to write a piece of your own if you want to educate people on this matter from your perspective. Thank you, Kristin.
Thank you for pointing out how my disclaimer impacted you. I had not considered that, and was really more concerned about not endorsing the belief that it’s something administered intentionally to hasten death, as that stood out for me. My experience is limited to my own, and I do not have experience with morphine being given automatically in the manner you describe. I appreciate being made aware that some hospices do approach it that way. It makes me wonder if choosing a not for profit hospice to work with accounts for some of this difference?
Administration of such things is not part of my responsibilities, and so is not something I personally do. I just know what is said within the death care community I have awareness of, and the hospice nurses I personally engage with. Everything I have been exposed to in my education and personal experience informs me that “if administered properly” morphine does not hasten the dying process. However, my experience also involves patient control over and request for it, so sounds quite different from what you describe.
I want to reiterate appreciation of you taking time to explain the impact of my choice to mention the disclaimer in my note, and will change it to reflect taking your feedback into consideration. I am new to using Substack and have much to learn from others.
Thank you, so much for your response. I wondered how it might land. I'm very moved. I did say that essay that the "sanctioned euthanasia" was my opinion. I did have an intense conversation with a woman who was a social worker in hospital, and she supported my observation and agreed with me. She may have been misinformed, but it really aligned with what I'd observed already in my life. I always wondered if there was an element of quiet awareness among hospice workers that this in fact a death, but because of the politics around euthanasia in this country have downplayed the use of morphine as possible helper in easing patients into a quiet and peaceful death.
It's a fascinating topic to me. My dad was a patient in one of the best hospice programs in NYC. I'm a firm believer in an individual's right to choose when they exit this realm.
Please stay in touch, and if you decide to start your own publication feel free to reach out for support. It's makes me very happy that we could engage in very kind discourse. You have no idea how much I appreciate that, Kristin. Be well. xo
Thank you, Chris. I'm sorry for your loss. I love the simplicity of the Jewish farewell. It's humbling. It doesn't matter how rich or poor you are, we all go out the same way. A simple shroud, a pine box, and everyone participates in shoveling dirt into the grave. It's very moving. I never understood people going broke or launching go fund me campaigns to buy outrageously priced, ostentatious coffins only to then bury them forever. But people need to do what they need to do for their own comfort in grief, and I support that. Sending you love, sweet guy! xo
Yes, it’s such a nice ceremony. And so much faster than a Catholic service, which is interminable. I don’t understand the super expensive casket thing either. Just stuff me in a foot locker from IKEA. Better yet, there are people who get their corpse wrapped in some kind of biodegradable material with no coffin, so their decomposing body can feed the earth. This is a very cheery, uplifting response, isn’t it?
Oh, Nan. Though I've learned that you are only now revisiting whether or how you want to connect with a higher power, this, to me, was a form of divine guidance, or an amazing example of you following your intuition. I tend to think of those two things as connected.
I am also a believer in ritual, and much of what we ever had in this, the New World, has been abandoned. Save for some holiday traditions, matrimonial and religious services, and some aspects of how we honor our deceased, we are no longer keepers of ritual. I'm so glad you held onto this one in the way that was available to you at the time. I'm so glad your father confirmed his approval. What a bond!
Thank you for writing this poignant and powerful piece.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I agree, when I am in what I think of as "flow" I believe that divine guidance and intuition are completely aligned, even more now. What I know is that Grace resides within me and is easily accessible when I'm in a place of trusting myself and am willing to put my ego aside. Inner wisdom is Grace. Grace is inner wisdom. I was going to say that I'm not really drawn to ritual in my daily life, but then I thought about it again, and realized that my life is grounded in ritual and routine, which I think are very related. My rituals aren't necessarily, obviously spiritually based on first glance, making coffee every morning after setting it up the night before, the order in which I structure my morning routine, the fact that I typically only wear striped shirts in my day to day life. But that confers comfort in me, so maybe it is spiritual! Hope this makes sense. I love your comment. xo
It makes sense! I think we don't need to think so hard about what is or isn't spiritual. In some belief systems, there is no distinction. Inner wisdom is grace and grace is inner wisdom. ☺️
Gutted. So beautiful. I relate again and again. I gave my dad his morphine and his departure was so profound and our last moments of connection meaningful in a complicated relationship. Your need for and performance of ritual is gorgeous and I think , in fact I know, we need these death stories in order to chart a path for each other and normalize these departures in a time and place when traditions have been eroded and lost. Your essay contributes in an important way. Thank you.
Eliza, you know. It's so painful and sweet at the same time to say goodbye to those we've spent our lives knowing––from the very outset of our lives––most especially, I think with those people with whom we have complicated relationships. My dad and I had one of those, too. And I loved him so. I'm glad there was something here for you. xo
I love the way you start with some of his frustrating flaws and that sense of the burden of decisions being passed to you and then where you end up with him. So relateable.
My Dad died in a hospice facility on the 5th day there, Valentine's Day. 2013. He was watched over by 3 women: his wife and 2 daughters, one of which is me. I am grateful to Spirit that he left this earth on the day of Love, and went home to be with the Greatest Love of all. My Dad showed me unconditional love absolutely. . Thank you for sharing your story, it is painful and glorious, a wonderful testament to the power of Love.
Thank you, Kat. Sharing your story with me is so generous. What beautiful to leave this realm. A day of love and connection. Be well, xo
I cried with you, when I read what you wrote. Both my parents are gone, and I very much relate to your love and grief. Thank you! Your Dad must have been a truly wonderful man.
We are all troubled and flawed in our own ways.
No truer words than that. Humility is a beautiful thing. He was a good dad.
You were very blessed to have him and his love!
Indeed I was! He was a beauty.
Thank you, William. That's so kind. I miss my father and he was a wonderful man. And a troubled, flawed man as well. I realized after he die just how complicated my relationship with him was. I wore blinders a lot of the time. And I loved so much. And he loved me. xo
Beautiful story. My condolences!
Thank you, Beth. He's been gone awhile, still miss him a lot. xo
While reading, my heart felt the cracks, pangs of grief and deep well of love, as I had lost my father to cancer in 2010.
Thank you, Namaste’
Thank you for reading and sharing this with me. Namasté. xo
I just went through this in 2023. I so identified with your experience. the morphine, the wanting it to be over. I had one more item, though, a meddling tiny frail mother in denial and trying to control everything. I miss him everyday.
Thank you for sharing that. I had one more detail too, about a difficult mother who couldn't understand why no one was paying attention to her during this time of my loss, as they were estranged. But that's a story for another time. All the best. I miss my dad, too, though not everyday. xo
Beautiful (((♥️)))
Thank you, Rachel. xo
This made me think of the last moments with my Dad. Such precious memories. Thank you, Nan.
Thank you for reading it Joy, and for everything you contribute to my life. Love you so much. xo
What a lovely way to bring us through the heartbreak into peace.
Thank you! xo
This is beautiful, Nan. Thank you.
Thank you, Ann. xo
That was hard to read. It was beautiful and I didn't know any of that — your Jewish service life. What you did for him, for yourself, was — I don't even have the word — but a heaviness in the center of my chest. That was hard to read. It was hard to go through with you. Thank you.
Would you talk to me about it, one on one? Love you. xo
The only issue I have with this is that properly administered morphine does not really hasten death and is not considered to be a sanctioned form of euthanasia among hospice workers.
Thank you. I appreciate your input. It's what I was told by more than one hospice nurse and a psychotherapist I was working with at the time. What the therapist told me was that it was a type of "wink, wink" situation in hospice. I'll look at it more closely. But I will say that was the question on my mind as I administered it. xo
Well, it’s of course possible that some hospice workers hold that belief. I certainly can’t speak for the intentions and motives of all death workers. However, there is no evidence that morphine speeds up the dying process. It’s much more likely that there is confusion around what normal symptoms and stages of dying are, and what the side effects of morphine are, because it is often administered part of palliative care at the end of life. I only wanted to point this out as these misconceptions can increase stress and worry unnecessarily at an already challenging time.
I appreciate that and I have to say that I'm not convinced that what you say is entirely accurate because of the depressed breathing that occurs when someone is on opiates. People overdose on them and die. Every day. A person who is dying of a terminal illness is most often frail, old, and quite vulnerable. Never did my father express that he was in pain at any point in his illness. He was automatically given morphine as part of the hospice protocol. I never once said it was a hospice workers intention to hasten death. But I do believe it does hasten death.
While I appreciate your restack, stating your issue with it, and using my story as an example to state your opinion feels a bit cold to me. You seem to have gotten the point of the piece, which is that is a love story of sorts. It describes my experience, my opinions (which are valid), and is a story of my grief.
I was a hospice volunteer for years, did hands-on massage for gay men dying of AIDS in hospice in NYC, and I’ve been around a lot of death. I’ve seen what the morphine does.
Please take the time to write a piece of your own if you want to educate people on this matter from your perspective. Thank you, Kristin.
Thank you for pointing out how my disclaimer impacted you. I had not considered that, and was really more concerned about not endorsing the belief that it’s something administered intentionally to hasten death, as that stood out for me. My experience is limited to my own, and I do not have experience with morphine being given automatically in the manner you describe. I appreciate being made aware that some hospices do approach it that way. It makes me wonder if choosing a not for profit hospice to work with accounts for some of this difference?
Administration of such things is not part of my responsibilities, and so is not something I personally do. I just know what is said within the death care community I have awareness of, and the hospice nurses I personally engage with. Everything I have been exposed to in my education and personal experience informs me that “if administered properly” morphine does not hasten the dying process. However, my experience also involves patient control over and request for it, so sounds quite different from what you describe.
I want to reiterate appreciation of you taking time to explain the impact of my choice to mention the disclaimer in my note, and will change it to reflect taking your feedback into consideration. I am new to using Substack and have much to learn from others.
Thank you, so much for your response. I wondered how it might land. I'm very moved. I did say that essay that the "sanctioned euthanasia" was my opinion. I did have an intense conversation with a woman who was a social worker in hospital, and she supported my observation and agreed with me. She may have been misinformed, but it really aligned with what I'd observed already in my life. I always wondered if there was an element of quiet awareness among hospice workers that this in fact a death, but because of the politics around euthanasia in this country have downplayed the use of morphine as possible helper in easing patients into a quiet and peaceful death.
It's a fascinating topic to me. My dad was a patient in one of the best hospice programs in NYC. I'm a firm believer in an individual's right to choose when they exit this realm.
Please stay in touch, and if you decide to start your own publication feel free to reach out for support. It's makes me very happy that we could engage in very kind discourse. You have no idea how much I appreciate that, Kristin. Be well. xo
Hauntingly beautiful.
Thank you, Jay. Did you ever meet my dad? I can't remember. Maybe at a Center event?
Having literally just returned from a funeral—a Jewish funeral, no less—this was an especially poignant read for me, Nan. A truly beautiful piece.
Thank you, Chris. I'm sorry for your loss. I love the simplicity of the Jewish farewell. It's humbling. It doesn't matter how rich or poor you are, we all go out the same way. A simple shroud, a pine box, and everyone participates in shoveling dirt into the grave. It's very moving. I never understood people going broke or launching go fund me campaigns to buy outrageously priced, ostentatious coffins only to then bury them forever. But people need to do what they need to do for their own comfort in grief, and I support that. Sending you love, sweet guy! xo
Yes, it’s such a nice ceremony. And so much faster than a Catholic service, which is interminable. I don’t understand the super expensive casket thing either. Just stuff me in a foot locker from IKEA. Better yet, there are people who get their corpse wrapped in some kind of biodegradable material with no coffin, so their decomposing body can feed the earth. This is a very cheery, uplifting response, isn’t it?
YES!!! The mushroom suit! That's what I want. A green burial. I think it's a great response, Chris. We're on the same page about this. Very cheery. xo
❤️
Oh, Nan. Though I've learned that you are only now revisiting whether or how you want to connect with a higher power, this, to me, was a form of divine guidance, or an amazing example of you following your intuition. I tend to think of those two things as connected.
I am also a believer in ritual, and much of what we ever had in this, the New World, has been abandoned. Save for some holiday traditions, matrimonial and religious services, and some aspects of how we honor our deceased, we are no longer keepers of ritual. I'm so glad you held onto this one in the way that was available to you at the time. I'm so glad your father confirmed his approval. What a bond!
Thank you for writing this poignant and powerful piece.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I agree, when I am in what I think of as "flow" I believe that divine guidance and intuition are completely aligned, even more now. What I know is that Grace resides within me and is easily accessible when I'm in a place of trusting myself and am willing to put my ego aside. Inner wisdom is Grace. Grace is inner wisdom. I was going to say that I'm not really drawn to ritual in my daily life, but then I thought about it again, and realized that my life is grounded in ritual and routine, which I think are very related. My rituals aren't necessarily, obviously spiritually based on first glance, making coffee every morning after setting it up the night before, the order in which I structure my morning routine, the fact that I typically only wear striped shirts in my day to day life. But that confers comfort in me, so maybe it is spiritual! Hope this makes sense. I love your comment. xo
It makes sense! I think we don't need to think so hard about what is or isn't spiritual. In some belief systems, there is no distinction. Inner wisdom is grace and grace is inner wisdom. ☺️
Gutted. So beautiful. I relate again and again. I gave my dad his morphine and his departure was so profound and our last moments of connection meaningful in a complicated relationship. Your need for and performance of ritual is gorgeous and I think , in fact I know, we need these death stories in order to chart a path for each other and normalize these departures in a time and place when traditions have been eroded and lost. Your essay contributes in an important way. Thank you.
Eliza, you know. It's so painful and sweet at the same time to say goodbye to those we've spent our lives knowing––from the very outset of our lives––most especially, I think with those people with whom we have complicated relationships. My dad and I had one of those, too. And I loved him so. I'm glad there was something here for you. xo
I love the way you start with some of his frustrating flaws and that sense of the burden of decisions being passed to you and then where you end up with him. So relateable.
He had SO MANY frustrating flaws...but just as many gifts, if not more! I loved him very much. We were kind of a team in my family. xo
Thank you for this beautiful memory, Nan.
You are welcome, Lyns. xo