It takes zero skills to tell a story like the one you were subjected to the other night, sadly some people laugh at that kind of material because they’re insecure or mean spirited, others because they’re uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond. The audience will remember zero percent of that story the next day.
What you’ve written here is sharp and vulnerable and raw and relatable. You clearly care about the reader and have taken the time to craft a compelling point of view. I’m sure you’re a fabulous performer if you’ve been doing it and loving it for 10 years.
I quit doing story shows because so much of it felt like high school, having to kiss up to “cool kids” I didn’t like (who told stuff like the spanking story, material I was fairly sure they wrote on the train on the way to the show) just to get stage time. The only thing that motivated me to keep going was focusing on bringing the story everyone would remember.
I recognize that your piece is about body image and I appreciate your honest account of getting derailed by someone cashing in on a cheap laugh. I also believe your work is strong enough to leave all the cheap shot tales in the dust and have the audience talking about your story to their friends after the show, to their spouse when they get home.
Thank you so much for the time you took to give me your impressions and to share a little about yourself. The cool kid thing for sure. That happens sometimes at these events. I love what I'm doing these days. I'm fully engaged in my life as a writer. It's the most exciting thing I've ever done, and it's a dream finally fulfilled. And I narrate/record my stories, so I get to do some performing too! All the best to you, Eileen! xo
One of the things I want most for my daughter, besides a righteous ability to use "Fuck off" and an education, is that she somehow skirt free of the life-altering and life long damage of being controlled by how her body looks, is perceived, or "should" be. My anorexia at 13 triggered by a well-meaning, but ill informed dance teacher, ballooned in to a chronic challenge to NOT spend 80% of my energy on my body. What I want for you and my daughter and myself is to see in this story the most amazing thing you were doing with your body - SHARING A STORY AT A SLAM!! Like, I'm in serious awe. But we have so much to fight to get to that point, including, most powerfully, ourselves. All the love to the body you have, the body you want, and the body that has and will be. 🧡
Thanks, Jess. I appreciate your comments a bunch. I've been performing in story slams for about 10 years, and I love doing them. And each time, I go through anxiety about my body, I wonder if people are judging me, and I wear clothing that I feel comfortable in. But the doubt and shame are present in a range of a trickle to a flood. But I always push through, because I love being on stage, performing. Hard to do when I get emotionally derailed, and some performances are better than others, but I do it for the joy of telling people stories from my life. Here's to your daughter having a more empowered sense of her self than I was conditioned to feel. xo
And than I was as well. I'm just over here celebrating that you have the courage and motivation to push past the emotional derailment to do what you love. I can't imagine performing on stage as a dancer in my current body, and its both curious and sad to me that I'm more concerned about what people will think of the way my body looks in that regard than the way it moves. The damage we absorb from society and from our own trickles is terribly hard to undo. I hope there are nights when you feel magical performing. You and your body deserve that. Much love!
Love to you, too! I definitely enjoy it. What happened last week was fascinating to me and very helpful in measuring my 12 Step recovery. I'll get to a point where what other people say has no effect on me...at least the negative stuff! xo
Having sat beside you for most of this story slam event, my impression was that you exuded confidence. I was very much in my own headspace (mostly...anxiety), but I recall thinking, "I wish I had just a tiny bit of Nan's tenacity." I also prefer hiding in the back at these things. And that day, I was hating how I looked and wishing I could be like the leanest writers in their wide-legged jeans. I'm sorry the joke in that essay made you feel this way - I don't think I laughed at it because I'm also very conscious of how fat jokes punch down on me, but also on people I love. I'm glad you wrote this and I hope we get to read together again soon.
Hey, Jackie , thank you for your comment. I am tenacious..and have all the other stuff, too! It's hard to feel the feelings that come up around my body shame. But I need to, and I need to express them. I'm finding that writing is the way this works best for me. Having readers who identify and let me know is also good for me. We need to talk about this stuff, and not bear our shame in silence. And of course, the other piece is healing the shame so that we can live our lives proudly, seeing our value is so much greater than the size of our clothing. Hope to read with you soon, too! I love your writing. xo
This brings up a lot for me too, Nan - having gained about 30 lbs since getting sober, and living in (what feels like) a very fatphobic culture here in Spain. Really glad you shared it - progress not perfection, my dear. 💜
Exactly. And for me, making peace with the possibility that I will never be a thin person for a multitude of reasons. That's the biggest piece for me. Acceptance. xoxo
I looked through he comments. Your essay was a true gift to so many readers. I'm sure many more than those who commented. This was brave and authentic writing. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and commenting, David. I appreciate it. I hope what you say is true. It’s important to me to keep telling these stories. I’m realizing that there’s so many things I want to share. And thanks for becoming a paid pal! Have a great weekend! xo
Whew. I had to read that twice, and I’ll come back and read it again. When this showed up in my Notes feed and I saw “when you’re the fattest person in the room” I recognized that statement and knew I had to read the article. When I tuned into the feeling it triggered I felt that familiar shame.
The story from the other story teller reminded me of when a good friend (who also struggles with weight issues) wanted me to watch the TV show Mike and Molly with her because she loved it. I was stunned at the first episode. It was nothing but fat jokes. And fat jokes are a big part of the show overall. I just sat there thinking how can she think this is funny? I adore Melissa McCarthy, and this show has some good elements, but I coudln’t handle the fat jokes.
I recently started the latest chapter in my almost life-long struggle, and I know I need to really focus on the psychological side. I’m not weighing for the first time - the batteries in the scale are dead, and I decided not replacing them would help me not obsess. It has been very freeing although I wonder from time to time how much I’ve lost so far. I am using medication to help for now, so I’m not overeating or obsessing over food - and I hope that will help me to focus on the other aspects and do some much-needed work on self worth and acceptance.
Oh, MsJamie! This is beautiful. I appreciate that you get what I'm talking about, and yes, can't watch those shows at all. Anything that devalues another human being for whatever "reason" is not okay with me. We've all been trained to despise difference. It's a very sad state of affairs. The best I can do is stay awake to myself, allow my myself to feel my feelings, and grieve what I think I've lost and be grateful for the willingness to heal and to pursue my best routes to that goal. And yay for the new not-weighing thing! There are no hard and fast rules in my 12 Step program about this, but it is strongly suggested that we refrain from that behavior. One day at a time makes a lot of sense to me. We gain inner wisdom and almost an innate awareness about what our body and spirit need. We have to learn to trust ourselves. I don't know if you're familiar with my writing here, but a lot of my essays are about disordered eating and recovery. Have a great weekend, and thank you for taking the time to read it, and comment so generously. xo
Thanks, Jamie! If you scroll back in the archives to January, that's when I started. There was an initial flurry of posts about this topic. Would love to hear your thoughs, if and when. All the best to you!
Hello Nan, I love this (especially as read in your voice)…
I attend one or two 12 step meetings a week, faithfully. Do you suppose that’s why this post resonated so much? Or because I also tried to live without Prozac and found life better back on it?
It could also be because of my wonderful counselor, Ardith, who taught me to hold my “little boy self” and give him/me the love, understanding, comfort, safety, and acceptance he/I/we deserve(s).
Could also be the healing that I’m doing about misogyny, fat shaming, fatphobia, food, etc. (please see Kate Manne’s brilliant substack, More to Hate).
The truth is, I don’t have to know why I love this post, or why it resonates. I do know I will read it or listen to it several more times. I know I will think about what you shared so honestly, and that it will impact my life. This is important! It’s important for those who choose to sit in the back row or those who choose to sit in the front row. I know it’s important, too, for those who continue to believe that it’s okay to harshly (or blithely) judge a person who is fat, or rich, or dark, or beautiful, or gay, or thin, or working class, or female, or trans, or rich, or disabled, or…….
Hi, and thank you for your great comment! That little boy self is so important. Good to keep letting him know you're there for him, that he's safe and seen. I love Kate Manne's writing. It's so important for us to be here, as witnesses for each other and our respective recovery stories. Please keep reading, and commenting, and maybe a Substack of your own? xo
Thank you for sharing this Nan. I have really struggled throughout my life to let myself be seen, so much so that I tried to shrink myself down to nothing in my 20s and early 30s. It's a beautiful thing to allow ourselves to stand firmly in the space that is rightfully ours, even if our legs are shaking while we do.
You're so welcome, Melissa. I'm glad it made an impact. It is a beautiful thing to be secure in ourselves, and grow that sense of self to the point where our legs are no longer shaking, because you know what? We all belong, and we all deserve to be seen for who we truly are, no matter what our outsides look like! xo
I relate to so much of what you’ve shared. Not trusting myself, not seeing myself as I really am, and even when I was much, much slimmer still hating the way I looked. Thank you for your honest and vulnerable writings.
Thank you for your beautiful comment. I need to be all those ways in order to do my recovery work. If it lands well for others, that makes me feel so happy. Sending you love, xo!
Lovely. You take the time you take. I go to small online recovery meeting where a man I've known for years also attends. He's had many relapses. In the last year of attending this meeting we seen him go from only a blank screen (no video), to turning on the video when he speaks, to taking his cap off on camera so we can see his whole face, to leaving the camera on sometimes even when he's not talking. We take the time we need, in places that feel safe. As someone once reminded me, we didn't get this screwed up overnight, we don't heal overnight either.🩵
Absolutely. That’s all I can do. And yes to those people who start turning their cameras on. We get to witness people going from their cocoon state to unfurling their wings to flying into life as gorgeous butterflies!
Nan, Thank you for this wonderfully honest essay! If only we could wear a sign that tells people who we really are and the work we've been doing to find ourselves. Please don't abandon the work! It's working!
Hey, Marguerite! No way I'm walking away from 12 Step. The work is healing me and the world that surrounds me. I don't want to a wear a sign that makes it easier for other people. I want them to do the work, too. But since I have no control over that, I have to look to myself. I want to share myself, my experience, and then I have to be okay with leaving it for people to discover and do what they need to. I can't be attached to a specific outcome.
Hi Nan, a powerful, painful, honest, and raw read. I recognize many aspects of this experience. I honor your courage and patience. I’m not sure how I would behaved. It’s amazing that you were able to get up and do your story without slamming the other person. I’m glad we get to be so very human then remember progress. There is no such thing as perfection.
Body image for women in our culture is so hard to be with at times.
I found my way to you via SarahFay (I agree with you that saying it all together like that suits her).
I am currently 30-40 lbs over what I have weighed the majority of my life. The only other time I weighed this much was when I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy. (40 years ago).
I am embarrassed by my breasts, my abdomen and my butt more than I should be. I’m coping with a medical condition that necessitates me laying flat 99% of the day. And I’ve gained this much over the last 8 years, it feels terrible.
Chest up photography is surely a thing
Thank you for putting into words all that I’ve been unable to express thus far.
I’m sending you hugs of great compassion and appreciation.
Ooh. This was brave and painful. I winced at times. Because even though I'm a thin person in a thin body, as you know. I've had my struggles with body dysmorphia and displeasure. I think this is so important for people to read because snap judgments about fat people, as you know, abound. Another example of seeing and not seeing. Thank you, Nan.
Your raw honesty and willingness to be vulnerable continue to impress the shit out of me, Nan. As you well know, talking about this stuff is one of the best ways to lessen its power. I'm so glad you're embracing your program; it's quite obvious that you're working hard. Just in case you haven't heard this lately (though I bet you have), it's about progress, not perfection. XO
It takes zero skills to tell a story like the one you were subjected to the other night, sadly some people laugh at that kind of material because they’re insecure or mean spirited, others because they’re uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond. The audience will remember zero percent of that story the next day.
What you’ve written here is sharp and vulnerable and raw and relatable. You clearly care about the reader and have taken the time to craft a compelling point of view. I’m sure you’re a fabulous performer if you’ve been doing it and loving it for 10 years.
I quit doing story shows because so much of it felt like high school, having to kiss up to “cool kids” I didn’t like (who told stuff like the spanking story, material I was fairly sure they wrote on the train on the way to the show) just to get stage time. The only thing that motivated me to keep going was focusing on bringing the story everyone would remember.
I recognize that your piece is about body image and I appreciate your honest account of getting derailed by someone cashing in on a cheap laugh. I also believe your work is strong enough to leave all the cheap shot tales in the dust and have the audience talking about your story to their friends after the show, to their spouse when they get home.
I’m so happy you’re deep in your writing dream. It’s the best feeling ❤️ ps I’ve shared your Julia Child story far and wide, I just loved it.
OH, wow. You've shared it? That's so wonderful. Thank you!
Thank you so much for the time you took to give me your impressions and to share a little about yourself. The cool kid thing for sure. That happens sometimes at these events. I love what I'm doing these days. I'm fully engaged in my life as a writer. It's the most exciting thing I've ever done, and it's a dream finally fulfilled. And I narrate/record my stories, so I get to do some performing too! All the best to you, Eileen! xo
One of the things I want most for my daughter, besides a righteous ability to use "Fuck off" and an education, is that she somehow skirt free of the life-altering and life long damage of being controlled by how her body looks, is perceived, or "should" be. My anorexia at 13 triggered by a well-meaning, but ill informed dance teacher, ballooned in to a chronic challenge to NOT spend 80% of my energy on my body. What I want for you and my daughter and myself is to see in this story the most amazing thing you were doing with your body - SHARING A STORY AT A SLAM!! Like, I'm in serious awe. But we have so much to fight to get to that point, including, most powerfully, ourselves. All the love to the body you have, the body you want, and the body that has and will be. 🧡
Thanks, Jess. I appreciate your comments a bunch. I've been performing in story slams for about 10 years, and I love doing them. And each time, I go through anxiety about my body, I wonder if people are judging me, and I wear clothing that I feel comfortable in. But the doubt and shame are present in a range of a trickle to a flood. But I always push through, because I love being on stage, performing. Hard to do when I get emotionally derailed, and some performances are better than others, but I do it for the joy of telling people stories from my life. Here's to your daughter having a more empowered sense of her self than I was conditioned to feel. xo
And than I was as well. I'm just over here celebrating that you have the courage and motivation to push past the emotional derailment to do what you love. I can't imagine performing on stage as a dancer in my current body, and its both curious and sad to me that I'm more concerned about what people will think of the way my body looks in that regard than the way it moves. The damage we absorb from society and from our own trickles is terribly hard to undo. I hope there are nights when you feel magical performing. You and your body deserve that. Much love!
Love to you, too! I definitely enjoy it. What happened last week was fascinating to me and very helpful in measuring my 12 Step recovery. I'll get to a point where what other people say has no effect on me...at least the negative stuff! xo
Having sat beside you for most of this story slam event, my impression was that you exuded confidence. I was very much in my own headspace (mostly...anxiety), but I recall thinking, "I wish I had just a tiny bit of Nan's tenacity." I also prefer hiding in the back at these things. And that day, I was hating how I looked and wishing I could be like the leanest writers in their wide-legged jeans. I'm sorry the joke in that essay made you feel this way - I don't think I laughed at it because I'm also very conscious of how fat jokes punch down on me, but also on people I love. I'm glad you wrote this and I hope we get to read together again soon.
Hey, Jackie , thank you for your comment. I am tenacious..and have all the other stuff, too! It's hard to feel the feelings that come up around my body shame. But I need to, and I need to express them. I'm finding that writing is the way this works best for me. Having readers who identify and let me know is also good for me. We need to talk about this stuff, and not bear our shame in silence. And of course, the other piece is healing the shame so that we can live our lives proudly, seeing our value is so much greater than the size of our clothing. Hope to read with you soon, too! I love your writing. xo
This brings up a lot for me too, Nan - having gained about 30 lbs since getting sober, and living in (what feels like) a very fatphobic culture here in Spain. Really glad you shared it - progress not perfection, my dear. 💜
Exactly. And for me, making peace with the possibility that I will never be a thin person for a multitude of reasons. That's the biggest piece for me. Acceptance. xoxo
I looked through he comments. Your essay was a true gift to so many readers. I'm sure many more than those who commented. This was brave and authentic writing. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and commenting, David. I appreciate it. I hope what you say is true. It’s important to me to keep telling these stories. I’m realizing that there’s so many things I want to share. And thanks for becoming a paid pal! Have a great weekend! xo
Whew. I had to read that twice, and I’ll come back and read it again. When this showed up in my Notes feed and I saw “when you’re the fattest person in the room” I recognized that statement and knew I had to read the article. When I tuned into the feeling it triggered I felt that familiar shame.
The story from the other story teller reminded me of when a good friend (who also struggles with weight issues) wanted me to watch the TV show Mike and Molly with her because she loved it. I was stunned at the first episode. It was nothing but fat jokes. And fat jokes are a big part of the show overall. I just sat there thinking how can she think this is funny? I adore Melissa McCarthy, and this show has some good elements, but I coudln’t handle the fat jokes.
I recently started the latest chapter in my almost life-long struggle, and I know I need to really focus on the psychological side. I’m not weighing for the first time - the batteries in the scale are dead, and I decided not replacing them would help me not obsess. It has been very freeing although I wonder from time to time how much I’ve lost so far. I am using medication to help for now, so I’m not overeating or obsessing over food - and I hope that will help me to focus on the other aspects and do some much-needed work on self worth and acceptance.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Oh, MsJamie! This is beautiful. I appreciate that you get what I'm talking about, and yes, can't watch those shows at all. Anything that devalues another human being for whatever "reason" is not okay with me. We've all been trained to despise difference. It's a very sad state of affairs. The best I can do is stay awake to myself, allow my myself to feel my feelings, and grieve what I think I've lost and be grateful for the willingness to heal and to pursue my best routes to that goal. And yay for the new not-weighing thing! There are no hard and fast rules in my 12 Step program about this, but it is strongly suggested that we refrain from that behavior. One day at a time makes a lot of sense to me. We gain inner wisdom and almost an innate awareness about what our body and spirit need. We have to learn to trust ourselves. I don't know if you're familiar with my writing here, but a lot of my essays are about disordered eating and recovery. Have a great weekend, and thank you for taking the time to read it, and comment so generously. xo
This is the only article I’ve read so far but I will definitely be going back and reading your others!
Thanks, Jamie! If you scroll back in the archives to January, that's when I started. There was an initial flurry of posts about this topic. Would love to hear your thoughs, if and when. All the best to you!
Hello Nan, I love this (especially as read in your voice)…
I attend one or two 12 step meetings a week, faithfully. Do you suppose that’s why this post resonated so much? Or because I also tried to live without Prozac and found life better back on it?
It could also be because of my wonderful counselor, Ardith, who taught me to hold my “little boy self” and give him/me the love, understanding, comfort, safety, and acceptance he/I/we deserve(s).
Could also be the healing that I’m doing about misogyny, fat shaming, fatphobia, food, etc. (please see Kate Manne’s brilliant substack, More to Hate).
The truth is, I don’t have to know why I love this post, or why it resonates. I do know I will read it or listen to it several more times. I know I will think about what you shared so honestly, and that it will impact my life. This is important! It’s important for those who choose to sit in the back row or those who choose to sit in the front row. I know it’s important, too, for those who continue to believe that it’s okay to harshly (or blithely) judge a person who is fat, or rich, or dark, or beautiful, or gay, or thin, or working class, or female, or trans, or rich, or disabled, or…….
Hi, and thank you for your great comment! That little boy self is so important. Good to keep letting him know you're there for him, that he's safe and seen. I love Kate Manne's writing. It's so important for us to be here, as witnesses for each other and our respective recovery stories. Please keep reading, and commenting, and maybe a Substack of your own? xo
Thank you for sharing this Nan. I have really struggled throughout my life to let myself be seen, so much so that I tried to shrink myself down to nothing in my 20s and early 30s. It's a beautiful thing to allow ourselves to stand firmly in the space that is rightfully ours, even if our legs are shaking while we do.
You're so welcome, Melissa. I'm glad it made an impact. It is a beautiful thing to be secure in ourselves, and grow that sense of self to the point where our legs are no longer shaking, because you know what? We all belong, and we all deserve to be seen for who we truly are, no matter what our outsides look like! xo
I relate to so much of what you’ve shared. Not trusting myself, not seeing myself as I really am, and even when I was much, much slimmer still hating the way I looked. Thank you for your honest and vulnerable writings.
Thank you, Joy. xoxo
Nan, your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable is a gift to our hurting world right now. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you for your beautiful comment. I need to be all those ways in order to do my recovery work. If it lands well for others, that makes me feel so happy. Sending you love, xo!
It absolutely lands well. Big hugs.
Lovely. You take the time you take. I go to small online recovery meeting where a man I've known for years also attends. He's had many relapses. In the last year of attending this meeting we seen him go from only a blank screen (no video), to turning on the video when he speaks, to taking his cap off on camera so we can see his whole face, to leaving the camera on sometimes even when he's not talking. We take the time we need, in places that feel safe. As someone once reminded me, we didn't get this screwed up overnight, we don't heal overnight either.🩵
Absolutely. That’s all I can do. And yes to those people who start turning their cameras on. We get to witness people going from their cocoon state to unfurling their wings to flying into life as gorgeous butterflies!
Nan, Thank you for this wonderfully honest essay! If only we could wear a sign that tells people who we really are and the work we've been doing to find ourselves. Please don't abandon the work! It's working!
Marguerite
Hey, Marguerite! No way I'm walking away from 12 Step. The work is healing me and the world that surrounds me. I don't want to a wear a sign that makes it easier for other people. I want them to do the work, too. But since I have no control over that, I have to look to myself. I want to share myself, my experience, and then I have to be okay with leaving it for people to discover and do what they need to. I can't be attached to a specific outcome.
Hi Nan, a powerful, painful, honest, and raw read. I recognize many aspects of this experience. I honor your courage and patience. I’m not sure how I would behaved. It’s amazing that you were able to get up and do your story without slamming the other person. I’m glad we get to be so very human then remember progress. There is no such thing as perfection.
Body image for women in our culture is so hard to be with at times.
Sending you a big hug
Oh my. Tears literally streaming down my cheeks.
I found my way to you via SarahFay (I agree with you that saying it all together like that suits her).
I am currently 30-40 lbs over what I have weighed the majority of my life. The only other time I weighed this much was when I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy. (40 years ago).
I am embarrassed by my breasts, my abdomen and my butt more than I should be. I’m coping with a medical condition that necessitates me laying flat 99% of the day. And I’ve gained this much over the last 8 years, it feels terrible.
Chest up photography is surely a thing
Thank you for putting into words all that I’ve been unable to express thus far.
I’m sending you hugs of great compassion and appreciation.
Thank you, Teyani for sharing your story in such a generous way. I appreciate it so much. I hope your health concerns abate. All the best to you. xo
Ooh. This was brave and painful. I winced at times. Because even though I'm a thin person in a thin body, as you know. I've had my struggles with body dysmorphia and displeasure. I think this is so important for people to read because snap judgments about fat people, as you know, abound. Another example of seeing and not seeing. Thank you, Nan.
Thank you, Nancy. Much love to you. xoxo
Your raw honesty and willingness to be vulnerable continue to impress the shit out of me, Nan. As you well know, talking about this stuff is one of the best ways to lessen its power. I'm so glad you're embracing your program; it's quite obvious that you're working hard. Just in case you haven't heard this lately (though I bet you have), it's about progress, not perfection. XO
Thank you, my lovely friend. Your comments mean so much to me. xoxo