Congratulations on both completing the steps and reaching the twenty-essay milestone! I loved how this essay came full circle. I understand the complicated relationship to the spiritual realm of life.
Thank you Meryl. It is so complicated. I’ve experienced so many years of denial of anything unexplainable with my intellect. Letting that position shift for me has been freeing in a way. I still have lots of feelings about where I stand.
First, congratulations on everything it took to make it to this point and to complete the steps.
This is such a wonderful story of synchronicity (whether perceived as random or not). I love moments like that.
That you have kept that note and leave it there in place.... it's so charming; it's so profound; it says so much. That you trim an edge so you can re-anchor it for the next time... so real. That it resurfaces in your awareness (or literally falls out) when you need it... perfect.
You say the note reminds you: "It’s a reminder that I can do many things I thought I couldn’t do." Seeing it on this day is so perfect.
I love that it also reminds you that you are grounded (in a good way) and safe.
Especially made note of two lines that I love in affirmation form. One is: I suspend my disbelief to embrace mystery. Love that.
Amy, your feedback never disappoints. Thank you for seeing me, for reading and commenting. I love that sentence too, about suspending disbelief, and embracing mystery. That day that's what happened for me. By some people's standards, I don't have a lot of possessions. I'm not a big acquirer of stuff. I'm quite sentimental, and things like a scrap of paper with a loving message speak to me, and hold me. Those are the treasures I keep. The little things that touch my heart, that make feel connection are what's important to me. You know the question people ask sometimes "If your house was burning down, what would you take?" If my house were burning down, and I could manage to take anything, I'd take my original copy of Harriet the Spy, the Welcome Home note, some family pictures, my dogs and cat, and me. The rest of it doesn't matter. If I couldn't take that much, I'd take my pets. The rest is just stuff. What was the other line that you loved in affirmation form? Have a good evening, my friend!
I love that concise knowing about what you would take - and what matters. I really respect that kind of clarity! (How special, too, that you've written about several of those treasures.) I wish I could clear everything out, really. So, the other line I wrote down (because you know I'm playing with a final week of affirmations) .... "I accept with my heart what my head can't explain." (That's a revision because I was thinking about it in affirmation form. It is, in its own way, or maybe entirely, an affirmation of faith.)
I knew you'd get the Harriet reference. And my dog Maisy. I can't believe you only have a week to go with the affirmations. They've been so wonderful to see and take in, are you going to do ICAD? I'm thinking about it. I do collage, have been for years. That might be a nice way to approach the project! But I may just wing it, and mix it up. Thanks for the inspiration!
Congratulations, Nan. I hope you realize that completing the 12 Steps and completing (and publishing) 20 essays are both testaments to persistence. Welcome home!
Beautiful essay. I especially appreciate your honesty about not wanting to be a "sucker." I'm grateful that 12 step recovery insists we find a Higher Power of our own understanding. That puts the responsibility on me to design a God that I can believe in. Now I have no excuses, and if my HP doesn't suit me, I can find another.
So crazy how much shame, and how many of us feel that, around admitting a belief in a higher power. In God. I had that same struggle. Raised by an agnostic and an atheist, in cerebral household, it was a foriegn concept for *weak* minds. I struggled as you did, but at some point it the connecton happened organically. I still feel awkward saying it outloud, maybe because I can't define my concept with words - that feels to restrictive. The most important part of higher power for me, the easiest for me to accept, was the instruction that it didn't matter what my higher power was, as long as I knew it wasn't me. That I was not in charge (the surrender part). And that alone was a huge relief, not having to be in charge of everything. Not being responsible for everything, but being a part of. Love you, and love watching you blossom and heal. Thanks for sharing this. (Side note: that note would make a great tattoo!)
Hey Jodi! Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Yes, to the God thing, yes, yes, yes. I,––like many others––were raised with the image of "old man with a long white beard who lives in the sky. That just never flew for me, but it became an indelible picture in my head. I'm easing into higher power relationship, and it's becoming more comforting every day. What you said about knowing HP isn't you, is very helpful. I do believe there is something, a force outside of myself that conspire to love me, and keep me safe, and help me grow, if I'm paying attention. Love you. And yes to the tattoo!
Welcome Home, Nan!
Welcome home, Lynn! xoxo
Congratulations on both completing the steps and reaching the twenty-essay milestone! I loved how this essay came full circle. I understand the complicated relationship to the spiritual realm of life.
Thank you Meryl. It is so complicated. I’ve experienced so many years of denial of anything unexplainable with my intellect. Letting that position shift for me has been freeing in a way. I still have lots of feelings about where I stand.
First, congratulations on everything it took to make it to this point and to complete the steps.
This is such a wonderful story of synchronicity (whether perceived as random or not). I love moments like that.
That you have kept that note and leave it there in place.... it's so charming; it's so profound; it says so much. That you trim an edge so you can re-anchor it for the next time... so real. That it resurfaces in your awareness (or literally falls out) when you need it... perfect.
You say the note reminds you: "It’s a reminder that I can do many things I thought I couldn’t do." Seeing it on this day is so perfect.
I love that it also reminds you that you are grounded (in a good way) and safe.
Especially made note of two lines that I love in affirmation form. One is: I suspend my disbelief to embrace mystery. Love that.
Amy, your feedback never disappoints. Thank you for seeing me, for reading and commenting. I love that sentence too, about suspending disbelief, and embracing mystery. That day that's what happened for me. By some people's standards, I don't have a lot of possessions. I'm not a big acquirer of stuff. I'm quite sentimental, and things like a scrap of paper with a loving message speak to me, and hold me. Those are the treasures I keep. The little things that touch my heart, that make feel connection are what's important to me. You know the question people ask sometimes "If your house was burning down, what would you take?" If my house were burning down, and I could manage to take anything, I'd take my original copy of Harriet the Spy, the Welcome Home note, some family pictures, my dogs and cat, and me. The rest of it doesn't matter. If I couldn't take that much, I'd take my pets. The rest is just stuff. What was the other line that you loved in affirmation form? Have a good evening, my friend!
I love that concise knowing about what you would take - and what matters. I really respect that kind of clarity! (How special, too, that you've written about several of those treasures.) I wish I could clear everything out, really. So, the other line I wrote down (because you know I'm playing with a final week of affirmations) .... "I accept with my heart what my head can't explain." (That's a revision because I was thinking about it in affirmation form. It is, in its own way, or maybe entirely, an affirmation of faith.)
I knew you'd get the Harriet reference. And my dog Maisy. I can't believe you only have a week to go with the affirmations. They've been so wonderful to see and take in, are you going to do ICAD? I'm thinking about it. I do collage, have been for years. That might be a nice way to approach the project! But I may just wing it, and mix it up. Thanks for the inspiration!
The response of your therapist at the end. Didn't see that coming. Perfect.
Isn't that amazing? It was so shocking. I loved it!
So gorgeous. So unexpected. So lovely.
Why unexpected? xoxo And thanks, Nome!
Congratulations, Nan. I hope you realize that completing the 12 Steps and completing (and publishing) 20 essays are both testaments to persistence. Welcome home!
Yes! Thanks, Nina. I do persist in many things. I often quit things too, but not this, not writing, now that I'm finally doing it.
Beautiful essay. I especially appreciate your honesty about not wanting to be a "sucker." I'm grateful that 12 step recovery insists we find a Higher Power of our own understanding. That puts the responsibility on me to design a God that I can believe in. Now I have no excuses, and if my HP doesn't suit me, I can find another.
Thanks, Marguerite. I swing back and forth sometimes between HP and higher purpose. Finding the balance so I can have both. xoxo
This: "to suspend my disbelief, to embrace mystery" is what I call surrender. Doesn't have to be named for anyone else. I applaud you, Nan!
Thank you, Ann.
So crazy how much shame, and how many of us feel that, around admitting a belief in a higher power. In God. I had that same struggle. Raised by an agnostic and an atheist, in cerebral household, it was a foriegn concept for *weak* minds. I struggled as you did, but at some point it the connecton happened organically. I still feel awkward saying it outloud, maybe because I can't define my concept with words - that feels to restrictive. The most important part of higher power for me, the easiest for me to accept, was the instruction that it didn't matter what my higher power was, as long as I knew it wasn't me. That I was not in charge (the surrender part). And that alone was a huge relief, not having to be in charge of everything. Not being responsible for everything, but being a part of. Love you, and love watching you blossom and heal. Thanks for sharing this. (Side note: that note would make a great tattoo!)
Hey Jodi! Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Yes, to the God thing, yes, yes, yes. I,––like many others––were raised with the image of "old man with a long white beard who lives in the sky. That just never flew for me, but it became an indelible picture in my head. I'm easing into higher power relationship, and it's becoming more comforting every day. What you said about knowing HP isn't you, is very helpful. I do believe there is something, a force outside of myself that conspire to love me, and keep me safe, and help me grow, if I'm paying attention. Love you. And yes to the tattoo!
Perhaps the "force outside myself" is not outside. Seems like you are coming to realize this when you say "home resides within me." XXX
Love this comment, Ann. Yes.