Love this so much (and everything you share!) I especially appreciate how you explained what we benefit from memory! That intro was incredibly helpful to me. Thank you so much!
Thank you, so much, Shifra. Memory is fascinating to me. I don't that my memory is completely accurate, so I look for feelings underneath the "story." Memories shift and get filtered through our life experiences, don't you think? xo
What a powerful story. I share the situation of many others in the comments with very few memories at all - from early childhood or really any significant periods in my life. I have small pockets but very little recall.
I do know that I was very hard to soothe and my mother didn’t know what to do with me. I have surmised that I learned to soothe myself with food because she wasn’t able to respond to me in the way that I needed. She wasn’t taught how to deal with emotions so how could she have known how to show me anything different?
Thank you for sharing your experience. There is so much power in making sense of what we do. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience with so much grace 🙏 it feels healing to read your words, like I’m breathing in a calm:
“I learned to soothe myself with food because she wasn’t able to respond to me in the way that I needed. She wasn’t taught how to deal with emotions so how could she have known how to show me anything different?”
It does help to be able to write about these memories. I have a lot of them, but I'm trying to avoid "figuring" them out too much, instead I'm focusing on telling the stories from the visceral feelings attached to the memories, it that makes sense! Heart vs. ego. xo
Yes, some of them are very clear. I'm glad I have some memories of good things that happened, too. I know there's a lot of missing pieces, but I think most of those are from my 30s and 40s.
I appreciate so much about your writing here, and then the dialogue in the comments. Cheering your progress, and thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm now thinking more deeply about my memories of family and food. And about the trauma that connects all the women of my family as much as DNA does.
Thanks, Rita. I love that you read other comments. And your comment that trauma connects us as women (I think inside our families and with other women outside of that unit). Our experiences run deep. xo
Like others in the comments, I'm impressed by the power of this memory, Nan. Regardless of whether all the details would be remembered the same way by others, it's clear that at a young age you found a way to sooth your sadness when your mother wasn't there for you. Maybe habits don't form after a single instance, but chances are treats were offered to you repeatedly as a distraction and a "remedy" for the grown-ups. Thanks for having the courage to share this, and for putting in the work needed to change. Not to lay blame at the feet of the victim, but I do think there are those who, after identifying the probable origin of their behavior, continue to use that as an excuse to stay the way they are. Brava to you!
I don't know that I was repeatedly dosed with these soothing foods by others as much as I found a way to soothe myself with them. And it definitely was not just because I felt my mother wasn't there for me. I used food to gain weight, however subconsciously, as a way to keep myself safe from predators. That's how my teenage brain dealt with the sexual assaults I experienced at 12 and 14. Have you ever recovered from disordered eating? It's a very hard thing to surmount. I think it's crucial to have compassion for others and not judge people because of an inability or a perceived unwillingness to heal. I'm not saying you're judging, but if you've never been troubled with this type of disorder, or alcohol or drug dependency, I want you to know just how difficult recovery can be. For the sake of clarity, I am working hard at recovering from the desire to self-medicate with food/sugar so that I'm becoming more capable of experiencing what I feel, instead of burying it underneath a temporary salve. It's hard to let go of those behaviors. I'm also coming to terms and a place of self-acceptance with regard to my size. It's possible I'll always be a fat woman. That's a hard one, but I think it's very important to love myself as I am. I'm not resigned to that as my outcome, just realistic! Thank you so much for listening and commenting!
Thanks, Nan, for the thoughtful reply. Who am I to assume I know anything about how you navigated the complex and painful parts of your childhood? Likewise, it seems in my intention to applaud you for the work you've done, and are doing, to heal I inadvertently came off as judgmental toward those who haven't, or can't. I apologize for that. To answer your question directly, no, I've not deal with substance addiction, but I do think of it as an illness, not a personal failing. So I know better than to suggest that it's just a matter of having the chops to "get it managed." Forgive me for how that came off. I'm not sure why some people get to a place of being ready to address the addiction while others don't, or can't. I know a lot of folks can't afford it or don't know where to get help. I saw a political cartoon today that seems to fit here. I can't find my way back to the original link, but here's the same one: https://x.com/SportmphMark/status/1510588232051965954
Thank you so much for your response. I think it's so important for all of us to dialogue about these things. Mine is a quest for inner peace. That's the work I'm doing. And I'm doing it in a culture that has tremendous disdain and fear of difference, of mental illness, of drug and alcohol addiction, of women, of fat people, of people of color, all of it. So many barriers to peace and kindness. I honor everyone who wants to talk about these things. My response to you was not intended to leave you feeling badly about what you said. It was just to open eyes a bit more, start a deeper conversation. None of us really know one another's stories, what we've experienced, how we've struggled. What I do know is that we all struggle with something. This place, my stack, is a place of peace, of honesty, and of kindness....and hopefully some laughter, too! Which doesn't mean I don't feel anger sometimes at the system, at the state of our world. And I write about it. But I need to cultivate an inner wisdom that's rooted in love. Sometimes, I listen to myself or read what I've written and I'm shocked that it's me. I sound so emotionally healthy! And if that's true I owe so much of it to 12-Step, therapy, and loving friends and family. I'm a truly fortunate person. Fortunate that I haven't given up on myself, that I've overcome so many things, that I have willingness to grow that's never dimmed. I'm happier than I've ever been. I relish my days. It all feels so dear to me.
I appreciate you, too, Elizabeth! So much. I just looked at that cartoon. It's perfect. The question might be, how can something so complex also be so simple? Or the opposite? Or both? Big hugs to you, and thank you again. xo
Way to go NAN!!!!! When you show up for yourself and you share that with me/us here, it has an empowering effect. My recovery advances and is strengthened.
Thanks, Deborah. I think we all have the ability to do that for one another. I love everything I'm doing these days, it's feeding me in a way that food never could. xo
Such a powerful memory beautifully distilled. It shows great self awareness and how far you have come in recognizing how to truly nourish yourself in the ways that matter. I think so many of us were bribed with sweets to tamp down our emotions; I know I was, and am well aware I did it at times with my own daughters. Now that I know better, I do better.
Nourishing myself (with food and other not-so-tangible things) is a daily, and even moment-by-moment practice. And a lot of it just requires a check-in and grounding exercise. Using food to temper or squash feelings is still something I do at times, but there's more of an awareness now about those behaviors and that feels like progres! xo
I'm definitely not nuts. AND peanut M&Ms are for when I need some protein??? And yes, you're right, they are not sustainable, but they are still a somewhat important reminder of my early choices and a soother at time as well. Perspective and balance are everything! Love you right back! xo
I agree, you can eat whatever you want. I hope you did not misunderstand, perhaps I was using humor without enough sensitivity. I'm in the full permission, no apology, no regrets, life comes to balance with kindness, not our judgments or others' creepy crap.
I didn't misunderstand at all. I love what you wrote. Balance is everything. Getting to full self-acceptance and practicing good self-care are where my work lies. Love you, missy! xo
I too have very early memories, which now are memories of memories. This scene feels achingly real to me. Your voice powerfully complements your words.
Very powerful observation and memory Nan. I wish I could remember things so clearly from when I was younger. When my kids were little, they would often ask me why I never told them stories from when I was a little kid (like their dad did.) I didn't quite know myself until a few years ago. Knowing the root cause for your eating disorder must help so much. That truly is progress. Congrats. xo
It's fascinating to me. I made the connection many years ago, and it explained so much to me. BUT, I'm still very much a work in progress. There are so many layers. We'll have to talk about the childhood memories thing. I have so many, and then there are other periods of my life where there's a lot of pieces missing...and I'm pretty sure I know why...and there are many layers there too. xo
Food was how my family showed love, which set up quite a food addiction for me. Fortunately, now that I understand what caused it, I can better release it - though it is still a work in progress. Thank you for sharing your experience, Nan!
I understand the family and food thing. The worst part of that for me is they gave/fed me with one hand and then they'd turn around and tell me I should lose weight. It's the weight thing. It's SO weighted! xo
Oh, Nan. Those early memories, and the way they shape us. We are now told by experts that memory is fluid and unreliable, subject to alteration through many factors. My mother frequently denied the possibility of my being able to recall events from early childhood, because “You were too young to remember that!” But the importance is the emotional truth of it, and how it altered your life. I had an experience at the age of eighteen months. My brothers were “”teasing” me at the dinner table about how the milk was actually whipping cream, which I hated. I stood on my chair to pour it back into the carton, and my mother slapped my hand. She’s always denied that. But she told me later that - no connection, how would this connect with an event that didn’t happen? And even if it did, I was too young to remember it - I stopped drinking milk, then water and juice, and got so dehydrated that I had to be hospitalized. She told me how “terrible” she felt to leave me alone, standing in a crib, watching Mommy and Daddy walk away down a long hall, leaving me alone. I don’t remember that part at all. But she told it to me repeatedly, always with the focus on how bad SHE felt. In adulthood, when I’ve been abandoned or betrayed, my response is to stop eating, to lose extreme amounts of weight. Memories are powerful. I am sorry for your suffering. So glad you’re finding the courage to heal.
Thanks, Mary. My life is so different than it was. I'm not interested in the narcissistic reactions of our parents when they failed at parenting. Their job was to take care of us. They didn't always do a good job of it, did they? Yes, they surely came from their own dysfunctional families and did the best they could, (ugh, of course, but frankly I'm tired of that out, as well). My suffering helped shape me, the person I am, the values I possess. Would I be the way I am today had I not had the experiences I had? I think not. So even though a lot of my life has been painful, I'm okay today. I think more of us than not have suffered in one way or another. It's what we do with it that matters. Love you! xo
True. I shouldn’t generalize. But I’m still trying to understand the lack of boundaries my mother had. Some serious mental illness, I think. Don’t blame her. Just trying to figure things out. xoxo
I think candies and cookies were my reward for every emotion as a little girl with weak vision and poor balance. I lived with scraped knees but rewarded with smarties for my bravery. I spent those years in England where “sweeties” came in every conceivable form. Have been fighting my weight all my life.
I hear you. Finding comfort in sugar has been a lifelong thing for me. I'm finding balance in my 12 Step program, but it's truly a long game and takes patience and a lot of self-love. I also feel like I have to let go of any attachment to being a certain weight and focus more on my health as the motivating factor. Oh, and loving myself exactly as I am is the major goal. Stuffing my feelings with food, which I've done for so long is something that is falling away. It's slow, but it's happening. Thank you for listening and commenting, Veronica.
Oof. What a powerful early memory of emotional blackmail, Nan. And it's one parents (and grandparents) so often unthinkingly resort to as an "easy win": sweets as bribes.
Glad you can see it in context. Glad you remember it, so you can unpick it.
I always associated that grandmother with food. When I'd visit her as an older child, there was a cabinet in her apartment that was loaded with candy and nuts. Going to her house meant stuffing myself with what she referred to as chazerai (yiddish word for junk, trash, used for junk food). There were no brakes on my behavior, and honestly, that was the lure for me to spend time with her. There were many aspects to her personality that I didn't trust or care for. Once, as a young teen, when I was returning to New York from a visit with my grandparents in Florida, my grandfather took me to the side and discreetly said to me, "Honey, you're getting fat." It was gentle, concerned, and loving. It was hard to hear but also a relief to have someone reflect back to me what I knew to be true...but no one else would talk to me about it. xo
That’s so tough, Nan. I wonder whether your grandfather and grandmother ever had words about it?
I’m reminded of the mixed messages so many of us get from our families growing up: “You must eat more!” on the one hand and “Why are you letting yourself go?!” on the other.
Love this so much (and everything you share!) I especially appreciate how you explained what we benefit from memory! That intro was incredibly helpful to me. Thank you so much!
Thank you, so much, Shifra. Memory is fascinating to me. I don't that my memory is completely accurate, so I look for feelings underneath the "story." Memories shift and get filtered through our life experiences, don't you think? xo
Yes indeed. That’s one of the reasons why writing my memoir can feel overwhelming sometimes :)
Yes, indeed.
What a powerful story. I share the situation of many others in the comments with very few memories at all - from early childhood or really any significant periods in my life. I have small pockets but very little recall.
I do know that I was very hard to soothe and my mother didn’t know what to do with me. I have surmised that I learned to soothe myself with food because she wasn’t able to respond to me in the way that I needed. She wasn’t taught how to deal with emotions so how could she have known how to show me anything different?
Thank you for sharing your experience. There is so much power in making sense of what we do. ❤️
Wow. Heartbreaking
Thank you for sharing your experience with so much grace 🙏 it feels healing to read your words, like I’m breathing in a calm:
“I learned to soothe myself with food because she wasn’t able to respond to me in the way that I needed. She wasn’t taught how to deal with emotions so how could she have known how to show me anything different?”
So deeply relatable.
It does help to be able to write about these memories. I have a lot of them, but I'm trying to avoid "figuring" them out too much, instead I'm focusing on telling the stories from the visceral feelings attached to the memories, it that makes sense! Heart vs. ego. xo
Your childhood memories are so clear, so distinct. I'm envious of that ability.
Yes, some of them are very clear. I'm glad I have some memories of good things that happened, too. I know there's a lot of missing pieces, but I think most of those are from my 30s and 40s.
I appreciate so much about your writing here, and then the dialogue in the comments. Cheering your progress, and thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm now thinking more deeply about my memories of family and food. And about the trauma that connects all the women of my family as much as DNA does.
Thanks, Rita. I love that you read other comments. And your comment that trauma connects us as women (I think inside our families and with other women outside of that unit). Our experiences run deep. xo
Like others in the comments, I'm impressed by the power of this memory, Nan. Regardless of whether all the details would be remembered the same way by others, it's clear that at a young age you found a way to sooth your sadness when your mother wasn't there for you. Maybe habits don't form after a single instance, but chances are treats were offered to you repeatedly as a distraction and a "remedy" for the grown-ups. Thanks for having the courage to share this, and for putting in the work needed to change. Not to lay blame at the feet of the victim, but I do think there are those who, after identifying the probable origin of their behavior, continue to use that as an excuse to stay the way they are. Brava to you!
I don't know that I was repeatedly dosed with these soothing foods by others as much as I found a way to soothe myself with them. And it definitely was not just because I felt my mother wasn't there for me. I used food to gain weight, however subconsciously, as a way to keep myself safe from predators. That's how my teenage brain dealt with the sexual assaults I experienced at 12 and 14. Have you ever recovered from disordered eating? It's a very hard thing to surmount. I think it's crucial to have compassion for others and not judge people because of an inability or a perceived unwillingness to heal. I'm not saying you're judging, but if you've never been troubled with this type of disorder, or alcohol or drug dependency, I want you to know just how difficult recovery can be. For the sake of clarity, I am working hard at recovering from the desire to self-medicate with food/sugar so that I'm becoming more capable of experiencing what I feel, instead of burying it underneath a temporary salve. It's hard to let go of those behaviors. I'm also coming to terms and a place of self-acceptance with regard to my size. It's possible I'll always be a fat woman. That's a hard one, but I think it's very important to love myself as I am. I'm not resigned to that as my outcome, just realistic! Thank you so much for listening and commenting!
Thanks, Nan, for the thoughtful reply. Who am I to assume I know anything about how you navigated the complex and painful parts of your childhood? Likewise, it seems in my intention to applaud you for the work you've done, and are doing, to heal I inadvertently came off as judgmental toward those who haven't, or can't. I apologize for that. To answer your question directly, no, I've not deal with substance addiction, but I do think of it as an illness, not a personal failing. So I know better than to suggest that it's just a matter of having the chops to "get it managed." Forgive me for how that came off. I'm not sure why some people get to a place of being ready to address the addiction while others don't, or can't. I know a lot of folks can't afford it or don't know where to get help. I saw a political cartoon today that seems to fit here. I can't find my way back to the original link, but here's the same one: https://x.com/SportmphMark/status/1510588232051965954
Appreciate you!
Thank you so much for your response. I think it's so important for all of us to dialogue about these things. Mine is a quest for inner peace. That's the work I'm doing. And I'm doing it in a culture that has tremendous disdain and fear of difference, of mental illness, of drug and alcohol addiction, of women, of fat people, of people of color, all of it. So many barriers to peace and kindness. I honor everyone who wants to talk about these things. My response to you was not intended to leave you feeling badly about what you said. It was just to open eyes a bit more, start a deeper conversation. None of us really know one another's stories, what we've experienced, how we've struggled. What I do know is that we all struggle with something. This place, my stack, is a place of peace, of honesty, and of kindness....and hopefully some laughter, too! Which doesn't mean I don't feel anger sometimes at the system, at the state of our world. And I write about it. But I need to cultivate an inner wisdom that's rooted in love. Sometimes, I listen to myself or read what I've written and I'm shocked that it's me. I sound so emotionally healthy! And if that's true I owe so much of it to 12-Step, therapy, and loving friends and family. I'm a truly fortunate person. Fortunate that I haven't given up on myself, that I've overcome so many things, that I have willingness to grow that's never dimmed. I'm happier than I've ever been. I relish my days. It all feels so dear to me.
I appreciate you, too, Elizabeth! So much. I just looked at that cartoon. It's perfect. The question might be, how can something so complex also be so simple? Or the opposite? Or both? Big hugs to you, and thank you again. xo
Likewise!
Way to go NAN!!!!! When you show up for yourself and you share that with me/us here, it has an empowering effect. My recovery advances and is strengthened.
Thanks, Deborah. I think we all have the ability to do that for one another. I love everything I'm doing these days, it's feeding me in a way that food never could. xo
Such a powerful memory beautifully distilled. It shows great self awareness and how far you have come in recognizing how to truly nourish yourself in the ways that matter. I think so many of us were bribed with sweets to tamp down our emotions; I know I was, and am well aware I did it at times with my own daughters. Now that I know better, I do better.
Nourishing myself (with food and other not-so-tangible things) is a daily, and even moment-by-moment practice. And a lot of it just requires a check-in and grounding exercise. Using food to temper or squash feelings is still something I do at times, but there's more of an awareness now about those behaviors and that feels like progres! xo
Absolutely, it’s progress. I agree moment to moment awareness is the practice—and yet so rare.
Memory heals us forward reminding us we’re not nuts and m and m’s aren’t sustainable
Love you Nan
I'm definitely not nuts. AND peanut M&Ms are for when I need some protein??? And yes, you're right, they are not sustainable, but they are still a somewhat important reminder of my early choices and a soother at time as well. Perspective and balance are everything! Love you right back! xo
I agree, you can eat whatever you want. I hope you did not misunderstand, perhaps I was using humor without enough sensitivity. I'm in the full permission, no apology, no regrets, life comes to balance with kindness, not our judgments or others' creepy crap.
I didn't misunderstand at all. I love what you wrote. Balance is everything. Getting to full self-acceptance and practicing good self-care are where my work lies. Love you, missy! xo
I too have very early memories, which now are memories of memories. This scene feels achingly real to me. Your voice powerfully complements your words.
Thank you, Rona. I feel it in my bones. xo
That’s an extraordinarily powerful memory.
Yes, indeed. It really lives in my body, too. I have a bunch of those.
Very powerful observation and memory Nan. I wish I could remember things so clearly from when I was younger. When my kids were little, they would often ask me why I never told them stories from when I was a little kid (like their dad did.) I didn't quite know myself until a few years ago. Knowing the root cause for your eating disorder must help so much. That truly is progress. Congrats. xo
It's fascinating to me. I made the connection many years ago, and it explained so much to me. BUT, I'm still very much a work in progress. There are so many layers. We'll have to talk about the childhood memories thing. I have so many, and then there are other periods of my life where there's a lot of pieces missing...and I'm pretty sure I know why...and there are many layers there too. xo
Food was how my family showed love, which set up quite a food addiction for me. Fortunately, now that I understand what caused it, I can better release it - though it is still a work in progress. Thank you for sharing your experience, Nan!
I understand the family and food thing. The worst part of that for me is they gave/fed me with one hand and then they'd turn around and tell me I should lose weight. It's the weight thing. It's SO weighted! xo
Yep - I so relate!!
Oh, Nan. Those early memories, and the way they shape us. We are now told by experts that memory is fluid and unreliable, subject to alteration through many factors. My mother frequently denied the possibility of my being able to recall events from early childhood, because “You were too young to remember that!” But the importance is the emotional truth of it, and how it altered your life. I had an experience at the age of eighteen months. My brothers were “”teasing” me at the dinner table about how the milk was actually whipping cream, which I hated. I stood on my chair to pour it back into the carton, and my mother slapped my hand. She’s always denied that. But she told me later that - no connection, how would this connect with an event that didn’t happen? And even if it did, I was too young to remember it - I stopped drinking milk, then water and juice, and got so dehydrated that I had to be hospitalized. She told me how “terrible” she felt to leave me alone, standing in a crib, watching Mommy and Daddy walk away down a long hall, leaving me alone. I don’t remember that part at all. But she told it to me repeatedly, always with the focus on how bad SHE felt. In adulthood, when I’ve been abandoned or betrayed, my response is to stop eating, to lose extreme amounts of weight. Memories are powerful. I am sorry for your suffering. So glad you’re finding the courage to heal.
Thanks, Mary. My life is so different than it was. I'm not interested in the narcissistic reactions of our parents when they failed at parenting. Their job was to take care of us. They didn't always do a good job of it, did they? Yes, they surely came from their own dysfunctional families and did the best they could, (ugh, of course, but frankly I'm tired of that out, as well). My suffering helped shape me, the person I am, the values I possess. Would I be the way I am today had I not had the experiences I had? I think not. So even though a lot of my life has been painful, I'm okay today. I think more of us than not have suffered in one way or another. It's what we do with it that matters. Love you! xo
True. I shouldn’t generalize. But I’m still trying to understand the lack of boundaries my mother had. Some serious mental illness, I think. Don’t blame her. Just trying to figure things out. xoxo
Yes. I understand. I think serious mental illness is a big part of parental failures. I'm not unfamiliar. xo
I think candies and cookies were my reward for every emotion as a little girl with weak vision and poor balance. I lived with scraped knees but rewarded with smarties for my bravery. I spent those years in England where “sweeties” came in every conceivable form. Have been fighting my weight all my life.
I hear you. Finding comfort in sugar has been a lifelong thing for me. I'm finding balance in my 12 Step program, but it's truly a long game and takes patience and a lot of self-love. I also feel like I have to let go of any attachment to being a certain weight and focus more on my health as the motivating factor. Oh, and loving myself exactly as I am is the major goal. Stuffing my feelings with food, which I've done for so long is something that is falling away. It's slow, but it's happening. Thank you for listening and commenting, Veronica.
Oof. What a powerful early memory of emotional blackmail, Nan. And it's one parents (and grandparents) so often unthinkingly resort to as an "easy win": sweets as bribes.
Glad you can see it in context. Glad you remember it, so you can unpick it.
I always associated that grandmother with food. When I'd visit her as an older child, there was a cabinet in her apartment that was loaded with candy and nuts. Going to her house meant stuffing myself with what she referred to as chazerai (yiddish word for junk, trash, used for junk food). There were no brakes on my behavior, and honestly, that was the lure for me to spend time with her. There were many aspects to her personality that I didn't trust or care for. Once, as a young teen, when I was returning to New York from a visit with my grandparents in Florida, my grandfather took me to the side and discreetly said to me, "Honey, you're getting fat." It was gentle, concerned, and loving. It was hard to hear but also a relief to have someone reflect back to me what I knew to be true...but no one else would talk to me about it. xo
That’s so tough, Nan. I wonder whether your grandfather and grandmother ever had words about it?
I’m reminded of the mixed messages so many of us get from our families growing up: “You must eat more!” on the one hand and “Why are you letting yourself go?!” on the other.
A brave piece.
Thank you, Judith. xo